Chapter 10

Lanvin POV 

Instead of moving towards zulekai and demanding what she was saying with Dorian, and demanding she stay faraway from the Blackstone guys most especially – I skated fast. I didn’t stop for one bit to check if they were still there talking whatever it's thru were discussing. I didn’t slow down one bit lest I felt tempted to act according to my desire. I kept going. The cold air hit my face, but I didn’t feel it. I pushed harder. I wanted to fall. I wanted to crash into the wall if it meant I’d stop thinking.

I turned again. My skates cut across the ice. I chased the puck even when no one else did. I slammed it hard into the net, even when there was no goalie. The other guys had stopped playing and were talking to themselves. And I didn't bother to use my captain's authority to call them back to the ice. I loved the fact that I was alone and none of them were watching me. It makes me act the way I want, play like I was tackled by someone.

“Hey!” Zade’s voice echoed across the ice. “What’s up with you today? Who motivated you to play this hard today?”

I didn’t answer. I bent down and picked up the puck again. I placed it in front of me and slammed it even harder. The sound bounced off the walls.

Zade skated toward me. He was no hockey player but he has been around the college for so long, watching how we do it. “Lanvin, I’m talking to you. You’re playing like someone stole your heart or something.”

I looked at him and wiped sweat from my face. “Don’t bother me today, man. I’ve got some things I’m trying to figure out. Aren't you supposed to be doing something else or you don't have any work to do?”

Zade raised a brow. “Some things you're trying to figure out? What kind of things are you trying to figure out without me doing it with you?”

The last question was a joke to him and I knew because of the way his eyes twitched but it infuriated me. Not because we were best buddies means he should pry into my life.

“Just things,” I grounded out. “Don’t ask too many questions, Zade. Let me breathe.”

He laughed although I could feel the bite of hurt in his voice but he just waved it off like a normal occurrence between us. “Breathe? You’re out here acting like the ice insulted you. What happened? Girl problems? Or — wait —did someone from the pack say something?”

I turned and skated to the other side of the rink. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to explain. I didn’t even want to be asked anything. I just wanted to play.

Zade followed me, still talking. “Alright, alright. Since you don’t want to talk to me, I have something else. There’s a frat party tonight. It is going to be a big one. Everyone’s going. So you should come and clear your mind off whatever it's bothering you.”

I looked at him and shook my head. “I’m not coming.”

He blinked. “What? Why not?”

“I said I’m not coming. And Zade that's enough for you. Don't worry anymore on the subject.”

“Come on, man. You never miss parties. You’re always the first one there. And you love partying, so what happened? Seriously, what's bothering you? Talk to me, man.”

“That was before. I don’t care anymore. Right now, it's the last thing in my mind.”

Zade skated closer, spreading his arms out to balance himself so he doesn't slip.“You don’t care? About parties? About fun?”

I pulled off my helmet and ran my hand through my hair. “No, I don’t. Not anymore. Don’t ask me to go. I already said no. If I want to go, you won't have to force me before I'll.”

Zade looked at me like he didn’t know who I was. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting weird for days. You don’t talk much. You don’t joke. You don’t even howl with the pack during runs.”

I looked at the ice. It felt better to look at the ground. It didn’t ask me questions.

Zade moved even closer and grabbed my shoulder. He pulled me toward him. “Lanvin. Talk to me. You’re becoming a shadow. This is not you. Is it the pack pressure? Is the alpha making you feel small again?”

I smacked his hand off my shoulder and stepped back. “Don’t touch me, Zade. And don’t act like you know what I’m going through.”

Zade blinked and raised his hands. “I’m just trying to help. No offense ma.” he missed his hands up and skated a little distance away to make his point known.

But something else flashed in his eyes, hurt and pain. He was my best buddy and I have never behaved this way to him before.

“I didn’t ask for help,” I continued. “So mind your business.”

He looked at me for a long time. Then he said, “You know you’re my brother, right? We live in the same hostel and we have been friends for long?  You can’t shut me out forever.”

I laughed, but it was dry. It didn’t feel funny. “Yeah? Brothers don’t keep pushing when the other one says stop.”

Zade sighed dramatically. “I just miss the old you. The one who always smiled. The one who dragged me to parties even when I didn’t want to go. The one who believed he could rule the whole pack one day.”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.

Zade added, “You keep shutting down. You keep running away from everyone. If you’re not playing hockey, you’re locked in your room. You think I haven’t noticed?”

I looked at him. “I’m trying to survive, okay?”

He frowned. “Survive what?”

“Everything,” I said. “The pressure. The voices. The whispers behind my back. The looks. The way they talk about me when they think I’m not listening. You know what it feels like to be the one everyone expects to be perfect?”

Zade stayed quiet.

I continued, “I’m tired. Every day I wake up with this weight on my chest. I try to act normal. I try to smile. I try to play like everything’s fine. But it’s not. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

Zade spoke gently now. “Then talk to someone. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Why not?”

“Because talking won’t fix anything,” I snapped. “It won’t make the alpha proud of me. It won’t make the elders stop watching my every move. It won’t bring peace to my head.”

Zade stared at me for a long time. “You’ve changed.”

“I had to,” I said. “This place… it changes people. You either become strong or you get crushed.”

“I don’t want to see you get crushed,” he whispered.

“I won’t,” I said, and then forced a laugh. “I’ll keep skating. I’ll keep playing. Maybe one day I’ll skate so fast that I will disappear.”

Zade shook his head. “You’re not okay.”

“I never said I was.”

“Come to the party, man. Just once. You don’t even have to drink or dance. Just show up. Be around people who care about you. And see if you this issues won't get to dissolve itself.”

I shook my head again. “I can’t. I’ll lose it if I have to pretend for even one more night. I’ll break.”

Zade rubbed his face. “Okay. I hear you. I don’t agree, but I hear you.”

I watched him stand there staring at me. The ice felt colder and even colder with him standing close to me.

I bent down, picked up the puck again, and skated to the other side. I slammed the puck against the board. Again and again. I let the noise fill the silence. I let my body move so my mind didn’t have to.

I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to remember the things I heard last night.

The whispers. The pack meeting with my father and the threats which I have been unable to resolve. My father thinks I'm a spoiled child. But I didn't want to do all he asked of me. And that alone annoys the hell out of him.

I clenched my jaw and hit the puck harder. They didn’t know me. They didn’t know how many nights I stayed awake just to think. Just to breathe. Just to hold myself together. They didn’t know what it felt like to smile and still feel empty inside.

“Thanks,” I said when I looked up to find him still watching me intently. He was waiting for my response. “Now leave me alone for a bit. Let me play.”

He gave me one last look and then nodded. “Alright. But if you ever want to talk, I’m here. Always and forever.” he smiled and turned around and slid out of the ice carefully. He gave me one last glance before jogging off into the right building.

I turned, sighed and kept skating. I kept hitting the puck.

I didn’t want to stop.

Because when I stop… the thoughts come back.

And I’m not ready to face them yet.