Fire

Regret. It always comes too late, right? In my case, my regret was something I felt immensely guilty about, but I also felt shame. I’ve made so many mistakes over the years. The road I’ve walked hasn’t been an easy one. Some days I wondered if this was it. Was this how I would finally come to meet the gods?

Choices. What would you choose if you were me? How do you choose between two children? The first, Kai, he’s taken over my whole world. I love him more than I love myself. The second, a daughter, one I knew nothing about. I love her though, because she’s a part of me, my child as well. How do you ultimately choose between life and death?

Obligation. It’s the one thing that’s been instilled in me from birth. We all have our obligations to fulfill and as a wolf, you never shirk from your responsibilities. No matter what. As an Alpha, that responsibility was even worse for me. I had to be the example, the leader, the protector, the shoulder everyone leaned on. I had to be everything.

Family. It’s everything to me. I love them completely and I would die for each one of them, even my daughter. My family is what kept me sane and on the righteous path, most of the time. I was at a crossroads between the path I had to follow and the one I wanted to follow.

So, I ask you again. What would you choose if you were me? Not choosing is also a choice and I couldn’t just sit back and wait for whatever to happen. I had to be proactive like I had been with Alexander. Technically, I murdered my brother, but I still believed that if I hadn’t done that, he would have come back with a vengeance.

I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of arguing, I’m just tired. Physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion filled me to my very core. Death knew that, he used it against me, he used love against me and I let him.

This new path I had to walk now was a path I didn’t choose for myself. Where would I end up? Will I be me in the end? I couldn’t help but think that after everything, I might lose Adara for good. I would be forced to make decisions that would hurt those I loved the most, even when I thought I was protecting them, I was hurting them.

It had nothing to do with being a good Alpha or even being a good husband. Choices and circumstances changed me and I watched myself retreat, make choices and make mistakes. I watched it happen and I let it. If I hadn’t seen what the future held, we all would have died and I couldn’t let that happen.

I hated Death for tricking me. I hated him with everything in me, but in the end my choices were mine. I knew not to trust him and I was plunged into a world filled with blood and vengeance, all by choice.

Who else would die on this new journey we were forced to take now? Death had been silent for weeks now. Death isn’t patient and he takes what he wants. I wondered silently if even Death had forsaken me? I didn’t have to wait long as he visited me sooner than I wanted him to.

Very soon I would have to face my own demons, I’d have to accept everything that I had done but I wasn’t sure if I could leave the past in the past. Would you? If you knew the whole story, would you keep on hating me? I have to accept what I’ll become, what I have to become in order to survive. I sit and listen and I think, but I don’t think I truly listened or thought about the consequences of my decisions.

I felt helpless, weak, incapable of doing what had to be done. It was a difficult choice to make, but one I made nonetheless, regardless of the consequences. I pray to my gods and hope you will forgive me. I pray that I survive, although I had a feeling that someone else would finish writing my story. I pray mostly that I’m wrong and that when I finally open my eyes, you’ll still be there waiting for me.

As hard as it is, I don’t have many regrets. Loving you and having you in my life will always be one of the best things I ever did. I won’t ever regret opening that front door and imprinting. I won’t ever regret having my children. I won’t ever regret doing what I did because despite what Death thinks, love does conquer all. Love will always be more important. It has to be.

I’m sorry for hurting you, for lying to you, for not being enough. I’m sorry for the pain you had to endure because of me. I’m sorry for letting him die and his death will haunt me for the rest of my life. His death is what ultimately broke something inside of me that could never heal.

I’ve always strived to be better, to do better, but in doing that I also became something else. It was a choice I’d make again, in a heartbeat. I have no regrets about that, I can’t regret it because the choice was easy, me or them. I chose them. I will always choose them.

As I sit here writing this, I say thank you. Thank you for loving me, for enduring me and lastly for surviving me. The realization that I was my own worst enemy would only dawn on me when it was almost too late. I’m sorry will never be enough but know that I am so terribly sorry.

I love you. I haven’t said it enough but I pray that you feel it, that you know it, that you believe in it. I hope it’s enough to carry you through the dark times. It’s the only thing I cling to, your love.