Forbbiden Pleasure

I always believed that the butterflies everyone talks about were pure sentimentality, that there was no such thing as someone capable of making your heart beat so loudly that you feared half the world would hear it.

I mean, I had a boyfriend; it was clear to me that those sayings about love were an exaggeration brought on by the nerves of starting a new relationship.

I thought I knew everything.

There was no way I could believe that with a simple touch, the skin would bristle, come alive and become so sensitive. I never believed that a person could make you feel so weak, strong and stupid all at the same time. That was meant for people who are driven by stupidity and immaturity.

I never thought I would be one of those people.

In high school I was at the top of my class, even if it took me much longer to learn than the others, it was the truth, I spent day and night studying. I had a few friends, it wasn't something that bothered me, I didn't have time for them anyway, I already had all I needed with my friend Millie and Marcos, my boyfriend.

But when I turned eighteen, someone appeared in my life, changing it radically.

I was never very close to my stepfather. He cheated on my mother with the neighbor when I was very little. He moved across the country with his son Nick. 

Secret mails and phone calls later, I learn that my mother and stepfather have reconciled and plan to get back together. It has been ten years since they separated, but according to her, they want to try again.

When I arrived in England, I was still that little girl who only cared about her education and meeting her mother's expectations, but the days went by and everything seemed different to me. I was different. Everything I thought was the most important thing, no longer mattered to me.

I started doing what I had always wanted to do. Without guilt. No fear.

My old life was normal. Back then I thought I didn't need anyone or anything, that I had absolutely everything figured out, a life so harmoniously planned that it was worthy of envy... but today I know I was completely wrong.

I needed him.

I needed this guy who drives me crazy in every possible way. I needed to feel the danger, the bad and the forbidden. I needed to live.

If I had known that living was going to be the most painful thing in my body, probably, I wouldn't have risked it.

It stole my every thought, every look, every feeling. But I could have lived with that, if he hadn't... hadn't stolen my heart too.

He stole everything.

Like I said, my life was perfect, until Nick came along. He changed every aspect of my life and me with it.

I still don't know if that change was good or not, but I couldn't think about undoing everything that happened between us, I couldn't change for the world everything that happened with him.

The pain was only a part of it. The madness, the love and passion, took over my life for brief moments and those memories would never be replaceable.