4 - Isn’t That What Girlfriends Are For

Jace and I had now been in our 'relationship' for a couple of months, and things were actually going pretty well. I was learning a lot more about how to be more girly ... from my boyfriend. It actually wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. 

However, I was met with the serious third degree from dad and Erik, and dad decided to leave Erik “in charge of it,” as he put it.  

Dad was shocked when I asked for money to go shopping. 

“Yeah, I know I rarely go shopping," I had said. 

Dad laughed and raised his eyebrow, “rarely, huh? How about I am usually begging you to go shopping and telling you that you need to be a little more ...  feminine?” 

Yeah, about that. 

Dad was always yelling at me when I’d stuff a fist full of food in my mouth at a time. We were bowling one time and dad lectured me on how girls are supposed to eat … as I stuffed a burger in my face. 

Erik was a total pig and most of the time if I didn’t hurry up and eat, he’d end up taking it from me. There was no saving food for later in my house. If Erik saw it, he took it … or one of his friends did.

Dad really shouldn’t have to be the one to tell me these things, teach me these things. I hated it for him, but he never complained. 

He once sent me into Target with $100 to buy bras; I bought two sports bras and spent the rest on graph paper, a protractor, various rulers, sticky notes, mechanical pencils and other geek supplies. The office supply section was my idea of awesome shopping.

Erik knew Jace from baseball and thought highly of him. Of course, that didn’t stop Erik from doing the macho “hurt my sister and I break your face” nonsense. 

I still saw Jace as my crush and being around him, in close proximity, was really tough. I'm pretty sure he often noticed me staring at him, but thankfully he never said anything, it definitely would have embarrassed me. How can I still be in love with someone I know I can never have? Someone who will never actually have real feelings for me?

Being in public was the worst because people thought he was only being my boyfriend out of pity. It's ironic that being his girlfriend was supposed to help him, but all it did was hurt us both, reputation wise. 

It was now summer but I was still going to school a couple times a week and having my long distance learning classes. I wouldn’t miss the chance to see the other math nerds. Mr. Drew started accusing me of slacking on my work, because I was spending more time with Jace. 

I got a letter in the mail from my mom, saying that she was staying with a cousin somewhere in North Carolina. We ended up talking on the phone a couple of times and it was really nice. 

I never came right out and asked her when she was coming home or why she was even gone in the first place. It was definitely the elephant in the room. 

She was very happy that I had a boyfriend, and I promised her I would send her a picture of us together. She said something that struck me as odd, a comment about Jace, like she already knew what he looked like. I just kind of glossed over it, thinking maybe she’d met him through Erik at some point. 

The months seemed to fly by, and soon school was out. I began to notice something very weird about Jace and it was bothering me. Jace had tried so hard to get me out of hoodies and baggy clothes, but now it seemed like that's all he was wearing. 

I also noticed he would only let me come over to his house if his dad wasn't home. I thought the whole purpose was to flaunt our relationship in front of his dad? 

I also started to wonder, if maybe people could accept Jace as gay, then maybe he could start with that instead of just coming out as full transgender. It was something I had been wanting to ask but hadn't had the right opportunity. I didn’t understand so much about the world and I certainly didn’t understand what was appropriate to ask and what wasn’t. 

I started to get some answers, one day when we ran home from our favorite diner to my house in the rain. Once we got inside, I told Jace to take off his shirt so I could put it in the dryer. He didn't want to but gave in eventually. There were bruises all over his back and they looked fresh. 

I couldn't believe my eyes and I demanded that he tell me how that happened. 

“I don't want to bother you with my problems, he said. 

“Isn't that what girlfriends are for,” I protested. 

Even if I was his fake girlfriend, I was going to play that card here.

“I guess, but it's not like it's going to change anything. My dad is a bastard, I mean a real drunk. He used to beat my mom, they had huge arguments all the time and my dad would just fly into a rage. 

Once I got old enough I started stepping in the way and I took the beatings so she wouldn't have to. Then he kept accusing me of being a fag and said I needed to toughen up…. He thinks baseball and soccer are for sissies and I should be playing football.” 

He stood in the mirror and yelled, “Wheaton men are tough, strong!” 

He hit his chest. 

He collapsed and fell to his knees. 

He was now holding back tears. 

“He's been with my mom since they were my age, and he doesn’t want me to be like them. He is pushing me to sleep around before I graduate, it will apparently make me a man. 

I found out he's been cheating on my mom for a long time and has several different women that he's seeing. He’s even slept with one of my friend’s moms. Mom knows about it and just acts like helpless to do anything about it. 

Last night, I got sick of his shit and threw all his liquor bottles outside. I knew I would pay for it, but I just didn't care anymore. I keep trying to convince my mom to get away from him, but she has never worked. 

She's always been a stay-at-home mom, she doesn't have her own money. She doesn't think she could do it on her own and she's trapped.” 

By this point Jace's face was soaked in tears and I was just in shock. I squatted down next to him and took his hands. I pulled him up and we just held each other. No words, just the feeling of our bodies against each other. 

He was the first to pull away, and led me to the bed. We laid down, just holding each other. 

He stroked my hair and I felt so at ease in that moment. I wrapped my leg around one of his and put my hand over his heart. I was grateful that he trusted me enough with this secret, but like he said... 

What could he do? 

What could his mom do? 

I can't imagine my dad hitting me, my dad was my best friend and had to take on the role of mom and dad both, he would never do anything to hurt me or Erik. We may have our share of problems but I feel safe in my own home, even if I don't always at school. 

My house is my safe haven. Even though my mom isn't here, her things still are and all of our family pictures bring me so much comfort and warmth.

I instantly wondered if dad had dated anyone since mom was always coming and going. If he was, I had no clue. I made a mental note to ask Erik.