5 (Modok)

I grin as my eyes take in my family's home. I have missed them. Fighting has kept me from visiting for far too long. I straighten my new civilian clothes and switch my bag to my other hand. I take a deep breath and head for the door. 

I know my family is expecting me since it has already been announced I am a Gold Ranked Harvest Champion, but I didn't call. I needed time to process the last battle and come to terms with all the friends we lost. I stayed in my military-provided living quarters for a few days before transporting home to Gaimo. I refused calls from everyone and sat in silence like I always do after a difficult battle and funeral services. I needed it, but my mother and sister won't see it that way. 

As I near the door I begin to hesitate. Do I ring the bell or do I use my code and walk in? I haven't lived here in years...  But before I can decide, the front door slides open, and I am met with my sister's angry face. 

"What the Kilkballs, Mo? Mom and I have been calling. You have been awarded the status of Gold Rank and have been retired for two days. Where have you been," she whines loudly and I smile at the irritation in her green eyes. 

  Father is probably chuckling at my expense right now. He was a warrior. He knows how hard battle is, but explaining that to my sister is impossible. She is a spoiled Gaimo daughter. While Father never went beyond Staff Sergeant he was still given a generous retirement package that provided for us all and then some. Eida has been sheltered and protected from hardships just like every other female who grew up in a privileged house. She probably thinks of my years in the service as some kind of trip. 

"Eida, I apologize. I had to get some things in order before I could travel home. Forgive me," I say in a sheepish voice that normally appeases her. 

She folds her slender arms and pouts for a few seconds before a smile breaks across her face. Her thin pupils widen a little and I know I am forgiven completely. 

"Okay, Mo. Okay... I can't believe it! Gold status," she squeals before running back inside. 

I laugh a little and follow her inside. Mother meets me just inside the main room with open arms and I drop my bag so I can hug her. Mother crushes my larger frame to her small body and her embrace instantly warms my soul. I feel as if a little piece of myself has returned with a simple hug and I smile. After a long moment, I pull back, and Mother releases me with a sniffle. When I look over her head my eyes lock onto my Father standing just behind her. He looks so proud with his scarred face and broad shoulders. Just like how I remember him. 

His white eye used to frighten me as a child, but now I see it for what it is... a badge of honor that he refused to have healed. A piece of his battle that he chose to keep with him. He came back home to search for a mate the old-fashioned way with his face scarred. He didn't push away his past or hide from the pain. He stares at it in the mirror every day. I never asked him how he received his scar, but now I plan to. I plan to ask him as I show him what I brought home to remind myself of my time at war. 

"Son," he says as he holds out his hand for me to grasp. 

"Father," I respond as I grab it and he gives me a knowing look. 

It's as if he is looking past my carefully placed mask to the beaten-down warrior just underneath. 

"You worried your Mother," he says, and I look down into her yellowish-green eyes as I release his hand. 

"I am sorry, Ibu," I say and she smiles as she hears the name I used to call her as a boy. 

"It is okay my sweet boy. I have made your favorites. Let us eat and talk. You have much to tell us," Mother says and I nod before picking my bag back up from the floor. 

Father's eye lands on the dirty bag, but he doesn't say anything. He probably knows the bag means the world to me. 

"I have cooked every day. I knew you would come home soon," Mother says, and I genuinely feel guilty as I picture her hand-making my favorite dishes every day since my retirement. 

"I am truly sorry, Ibu. I should have returned home," I say and she shakes her head before giving Father a loving smile. 

"Your Father reminded me not to rush you. The great war isn't easy on anyone, but it is hardest on the males who fight in it," she says and I glance at Father to find him analyzing me. 

  I adjust my shoulders and my spine straightens as I imagine what he must be seeing as he looks me over. A sad male. Pitiful and hunched. The weight of my kills and the deaths of my comrades can easily be seen by a veteran like him. 

"No one but your sister expected you home immediately, son. We just wished you had answered our calls," Father says as he places a warm hand on my shoulder. 

I look into his seeing eye and support mixed with understanding beams back at me. There is no pity in his gaze. He isn't appalled by my weakness. He understands I needed time to process the news of going home... of being a champion. Because no matter how great the news is it was still an unexpected and abrupt adjustment. I went from seeing death and blood every other day to being free from it completely. 

I look down at my bare wrist and he copies me. I know he must have felt naked without it, just like I am feeling now. 

"Tonight. We will talk tonight," he whispers and I realize Mother is focused on putting her hot dishes on plates. 

I nod. I need his understanding and guidance in this new chapter of my life. 

*******

"I always expected you to ask, but you never did. Your sister asked the second she could talk, but not you. It's as if you knew the truth would one day be revealed to you" Father says as he leans forward. 

  He brings his hand to the deep gash that runs from his hairline to the middle of his cheek. The white unseeing eye doesn't move. 

"My Commander was a Glortinon. He was tall and agile. When he was angry he glowed brighter than any sun I have ever seen. I respected him... During my sixth year in the service we were sent to a Muysock controlled moon. They had controlled the base there for two years. It had been an Allied base at one time, of course, and in a prime location for trade. The council knew we needed to retake control... Our group was seasoned. We were classified as elites just like you and your team. We were the right choice to go," Father says before he sighs and stands up. 

He begins to pace the room, but I stay silent. I know when he told Eida about his scar, he didn't answer honestly, and he might not have told his mate the entire truth either. I might be the first person to hear my Father's story... My Father's inner turmoil that lives within him every day.  

"From the second we arrived it was clear we would lose. That moon was overrun. They weren't using it as a trading hub as the allied army had. They had several battalions hidden there. They were preparing an attack. A big one... and we had interrupted those plans. Commander Jakat was pissed that our intel was wrong. He immediately began calling out. He connected with everyone to report what we were dealing with. The council was scrambling to free up warriors to send as backup, but we didn't have any time to spare waiting. They were on us. We had taken 47 battle-hardened warriors to fight over 500 Muysocks. We were doomed... I will never forget what Jakat said to us when he realized he couldn't save us. He was glowing so bright we couldn't make out his face, but his words were clear. He said, Kill as many of these rabid beasts as you can. Soak the ground with their blood for as long as you can. Leave as many scars as you can... It was an honor to fight with you all," Father says before he sits back down. 

He looks me in the eyes, and for the first time ever, I see his real pain. I see his grief. I see all the same emotions I keep buried inside myself. 

"They attacked us like savages and we fought back the same way.  There was so much blood it felt like I was under rain on Peulo. Slice after slice. We were killing dozens for every one of us that went down... I don't know how much time passed. I don't know if it was an hour or a single minute, but when I noticed it was just me, Gahan, and Jakat left alive time seemed to just stop... Gahan was my best friend. He and I were fighting side by side. Jakat had made his way close to us during the fight... anyway when I saw that it was just us I got distracted. I let my guard down. I took a blade to the face and Gahan reacted. He left his back open and took out the male trying to kill me. Jakat jumped to protect Gahan's back and got his head sliced clean off. As Jakat fell reinforcements arrived. They flooded the Muysocks, but it was too late. Our Commander and our team were gone. I was half blind and bleeding. Gahan was fighting to keep me safe. In my eyes, we had lost. I had lost everyone who was ever truly important to me besides Gahan. When we were teleported to medical, the doctor said, "Don't worry, I will heal it all. I will make it like it never happened," and I snapped. I tried to kill him. I told him that the scars showed that it happened. My battle wounds showed that my teammates existed. I refused to let them heal me. I refused to erase our battle as if it never happened. That's why I walk around like I do. No matter how much anyone stares. I don't care. It is showing all the ones who have never seen battle what happens to us out there," Father says and a tear slides down my face as I recall the family of the fallen Vaal. 

I had attended his service and talked about what had happened with his female relatives, but they couldn't really understand. They never would because warriors come back home looking whole. They don't realize that pieces of us are changed or gone forever. 

"I am scared, Father. I am scarred on the inside, from the top of my head all the way down to my toes, and I am terrified. How can I live normally? How can I love and care for a fragile mate? How can I be anything but a warrior," I ask and he smiles at me. 

"When you meet the right female your mind will shift from warrior to mate. Everything will fall away but her. You will still be protective and you will still see danger around every corner, but her love will soothe the pain inside of you. You will feel whole again even if you aren't," he says before his eyes drop to my bag. 

"What scar did you bring home," he asks and I pick it up. 

I slowly unzip the dirty bag and pull out the last item I added. 

"Every battle buddy I have ever fought with... Who died beside me... I have something from every one of them. In the last battle, we lost four of our teammates, and it hurt. But it didn't hurt as bad as losing the kid I fought beside. He was in training, Father. His whole squad was. We might have killed Pilso and we might have been given Gold status..., but I didn't save him. He saved me in the end. I was wounded by a blaster and bleeding more than I realized. I went to aid him, but he ended up having to save me... His mom let me keep one of his blades. I will use it in the tournament. Because without him, I wouldn't even be in it," I manage to say before I completely break down. 

I sob as my hand wraps tightly around the hilt. Father only places his hand on my shoulder. He doesn't try to soothe me or tell me things will get better. He lets me expel my pain. When my tears finally cease and I look up into his patient gaze. He smiles. 

"Surviving the war is a blessing. Having the opportunity to mate and bring life into the universe is also a blessing... even when it feels like we should have been the ones to have died. Go to the Harvest and fight for every male who can't anymore. Fight for every friend you lost and then love your female as if she is the last one in existence. This war will eventually end. Our fallen brothers will be at peace so live for them. Don't hate yourself for surviving, my son," he says, and I nod.