chapter twelve

Chapter Twelve : Maya pov

I stared at my phone for twenty minutes before I typed the message.

My thumb hovered over the keyboard. My heart was pounding. My hands were shaking. I hadn't spoken to Jay in weeks. Not really. A few texts. Short ones. Careful ones. Nothing that meant anything.

But I couldn't avoid him forever.

Can we talk? I typed.

Then I deleted it.

I'm not ready to see you. But I want to hear your voice.

Too much. Too vulnerable.

Hey.

Too little.

I put the phone down. Picked it up again.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sad. Can we talk about that?

I stared at the words. Then I pressed send before I could change my mind.

His reply came in seconds.

Yes. Please. Whenever you're ready.

Now, I typed. But not in person. Call me.

Okay.

My phone rang thirty seconds later.

I answered. Didn't say anything. Just listened to him breathe.

"Maya." His voice was thick. Like he'd been crying. Or holding back tears. "Thank you for calling."

"I'm not doing this for you."

"I know."

"I'm doing this for me. Because I can't keep carrying this around."

"Okay."

I took a breath. "I'm not going to yell. I'm not going to curse you out. I just need to understand."

"Understand what?"

"How this happened. How you went from loving me to loving him."

Jay was quiet for a long time. I could hear him breathing. Could hear the background noise of wherever he was. Cars. Wind.

"I never stopped loving you," he said finally.

"Then how?"

"I don't have a good answer. I wish I did. But I don't."

"Try."

He sighed. "It wasn't one thing. It was a lot of little things. The way he looked at me. The way he didn't back down when I pushed. The way he saw me. Really saw me. Not the guy who works two jobs. Not the guy who doesn't have money. Just me."

"That's not an answer."

"It's the only one I have."

I closed my eyes. Leaned my head against the wall. "Did you ever love me?"

"Of course I did. I still do."

"Then how do you love both of us?"

"I don't know." His voice cracked. "I wish I could explain it. I wish I could make it make sense. But I can't."

"Try harder."

"Maya —"

"No. You owe me this. You owe me an explanation."

Jay was quiet again. When he spoke, his voice was smaller. "I think I was falling for him before I even admitted it to myself. I thought it was jealousy. I thought it was because he was rude to me. But it wasn't. It was because I couldn't stop thinking about him."

"And what about me?"

"I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I thought if I just loved you harder, I wouldn't want him. But it didn't work."

"So you just gave up?"

"No. I didn't give up. I just... stopped pretending."

I wiped my eyes. I hadn't realized I was crying. "That's not better."

"I know."

"You broke my heart."

"I know."

"And you broke my trust."

"I know."

"And you expect me to just forgive you?"

"No." His voice was firm now. "I don't expect anything. I don't deserve anything. That's why I didn't call. That's why I didn't show up at your door. Because you asked me not to. And I've already taken enough from you."

I didn't know what to say to that.

So I said nothing.

"Maya?" he said.

"I'm still here."

"Do you want me to hang up?"

"No."

"Okay."

We sat in silence. The clock on my wall ticked. The refrigerator hummed. Somewhere outside, a car drove past.

"Do you regret it?" I asked.

"Which part?"

"Any of it. All of it."

Jay took a breath. "I regret hurting you. I regret lying to you. I regret that you found out the way you did."

"But you don't regret him."

It wasn't a question.

"No," he said quietly. "I don't regret him."

The words landed like stones in my chest.

"I should hate you," I said.

"You should."

"But I don't."

"Maya —"

"I don't hate you. I wish I did. It would be easier. But I don't."

Jay didn't say anything. I heard him sniff. He was crying too.

"I'm not saying I forgive you," I said. "I'm not there yet. But I don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate Cole. I'm tired of being angry."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up and not feel like someone died. I want to go to class and not pretend I'm okay when I'm not."

"Then let me help."

"How?"

"I don't know. Just... tell me what you need."

I thought about it. "I need you to be honest with me. From now on. No more lies. No more hiding."

"I can do that."

"I need you to give me space when I ask for it."

"I can do that too."

"And I need you to stop apologizing for things you're not sorry for."

Jay almost laughed. "That one's harder."

"I know."

I looked out the window. The sun was setting. The sky was orange and pink. Beautiful. The kind of evening that should have been romantic.

Instead, it was just another night.

"Tell me something true," I said.

"What?"

"Something you've never told me before."

Jay was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "The first time I met Cole, I thought he was an arrogant jerk. But I also thought he was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. And I hated myself for thinking that."

"That's not about me."

"No. But it's true."

I nodded. Even though he couldn't see me.

"Thank you," I said.

"For what?"

"For not lying anymore."

We stayed on the phone for another hour. Talking about nothing. Talking about everything. We didn't fix anything. But we stopped breaking.

When I hung up, I felt lighter.

Not okay. But lighter.

The next day, Sarah came over.

She didn't knock. Just walked in. She had a key. I'd given it to her months ago, back when things were normal.

"Talk," she said, sitting on my couch.

"I talked to Jay yesterday."

Sarah's eyebrows went up. "And?"

"And I didn't yell. I didn't cry. Well, I cried a little. But I didn't yell."

"That's progress."

"Maybe."

"Did he say anything useful?"

I sat next to her. Pulled my knees up to my chest. "He said he doesn't regret Cole. He said he wishes he hadn't hurt me, but he doesn't wish away what they have."

Sarah let out a breath. "That's honest."

"I know. That's why I didn't get mad."

"Do you believe him?"

"About which part?"

"About not regretting Cole."

I thought about it. "Yeah. I believe him. I don't like it. But I believe him."

Sarah put her hand on my knee. "You're handling this better than I would."

"I'm not handling it. I'm just surviving."

"That's the same thing."

"No. It's not." I looked at her. "Handling it means I'm okay. Surviving means I'm still breathing. There's a difference."

"Okay. Then you're surviving. And that's enough for now."

I leaned my head on her shoulder. "When did you get so wise?"

"I've always been wise. You just never listened."

I laughed. First real laugh in weeks.

That afternoon, I went for a walk.

I didn't have a destination. I just needed to move. To feel the sun on my face. To remember that the world was bigger than my apartment.

I walked past the coffee shop where Jay worked. Didn't go in. Just walked past.

I walked past the gym where Cole used to train. Didn't stop. Just walked past.

I walked to the park. Sat on a bench. Watched kids play. Watched dogs run. Watched couples hold hands.

Normal life. Happening right in front of me.

I wasn't part of it. Not yet. But I was watching.

My phone buzzed. Cole.

I heard you talked to Jay.

Who told you?

He did. He said it went okay.

It didn't go okay. But it didn't go badly either.

That's something.

Yeah.

Can we talk? he asked.

Not yet.

Okay.

But soon, I added.

I'll wait.

I put my phone away. Watched a little girl chase a butterfly. Her mom was laughing. The sun was in her hair.

I missed being that carefree.

A week passed.

I went to class. I did my assignments. I ate regular meals. I slept through the night. Most nights, anyway.

Sarah checked on me every day. Liam texted to say hi. Even Tessa from my study group asked if I wanted to grab coffee.

I said yes. To all of it.

Because I couldn't hide forever.

One evening, I was sitting in my apartment, reading, when there was a knock on the door.

I wasn't expecting anyone.

I looked through the peephole.

Cole.

My heart stopped.

He wasn't smiling. He wasn't crying. He was just standing there. Hands in his pockets. Looking at the door like he was waiting for something.

I opened it.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey."

"Can I come in?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to slam the door. I wanted to scream at him.

Instead, I stepped aside.

He walked in. Looked around. My apartment was clean. I'd been keeping it clean. It was the only thing I could control.

"You look good," he said.

"I look tired."

"You look better than the last time I saw you."

"The last time you saw me, I was crying."

"Yeah." He looked at the floor. "I'm sorry about that."

"Which part? The crying or the reason I was crying?"

"Both."

I crossed my arms. "You said you'd wait until I was ready."

"I know."

"You're not waiting."

"I know." He looked at me. "I'm sorry. I just... I needed to see you. In person. Not through a screen."

"You could have called."

"I wanted to see your face."

I didn't know what to say to that.

Cole sat on my couch. Not because I invited him. Because he needed to sit. His legs were shaking.

"I'm not going to stay long," he said. "I just wanted to tell you something."

"What?"

"I'm not going to stop loving him."

The words hit me like a slap.

"That's what you came to tell me?"

"Yes."

"You came all the way here to tell me you're choosing him?"

"No." He looked at me. His eyes were wet. "I came to tell you that I'm not choosing him over you. I'm choosing both. And I know that's selfish. I know it hurts you. But it's the truth."

"I never asked you to choose."

"I know."

"So why are you telling me this?"

"Because I promised myself I wouldn't lie to you anymore."

I sat down on the other end of the couch. Not close to him. But not far.

"You're an idiot," I said.

"I know."

"You're my brother. You're supposed to protect me. Not break my heart."

"I know."

"And you're supposed to be honest with me. Even when it's hard."

"I know."

"So why wasn't you?"

Cole wiped his eyes. "Because I was scared. Because I didn't know how to tell you that I'd fallen in love with your boyfriend. Because I knew it would destroy you."

"Did you think hiding it would be better?"

"No. But I wasn't thinking. I was just... feeling. And I didn't know how to stop."

I looked at my brother. The boy who taught me how to ride a bike. Who held my hand at Mom's funeral. Who promised to always protect me.

"You hurt me," I said.

"I know."

"You lied to me."

"I know."

"And you're going to have to earn back my trust. It's not going to happen overnight."

"I know."

"But I'm not going to cut you out of my life. You're still my brother. I still love you. Even when I'm angry."

Cole's face crumbled. Tears fell down his cheeks.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Don't thank me yet. I'm still mad."

"I know."

"Good."

We sat there. Not touching. Not talking. Just being.

After a while, Cole stood up.

"I should go," he said.

"Yeah."

"Can I come back? Tomorrow?"

I thought about it. "Not tomorrow. But soon."

He nodded. Walked to the door. Paused with his hand on the handle.

"Maya."

"Yeah."

"I love you. I know that doesn't fix anything. But I want you to know."

"I know."

He left.

I sat on the couch for a long time. Staring at the door.

Then I started to cry.

Not because I was sad. Not because I was angry.

Because I was healing.

And healing hurt.