chapter nineteen

Chapter Nineteen :Jay pov

I woke up to sunlight on my face.

Cole was still asleep next to me. His arm was around my waist. His breath was warm on my neck. His chest moved up and down. Slow. Steady. Peaceful.

I didn't move. Didn't want to wake him.

I just lay there. Feeling his heartbeat against my back.

Last night felt like a dream.

Dinner with his father. Maya showing up. The conversation that didn't fix everything but didn't break anything either.

His father shaking my hand. Take care of my son.

Maya hugging Cole. Take care of him.

I wasn't used to people trusting me.

Cole stirred. His arm tightened around my waist.

"Morning," he said. His voice was rough. Sleepy.

"Morning."

"What time is it?"

"I don't know. Late."

He pulled me closer. Buried his face in my hair.

"I could stay here forever," he said.

"Then stay."

"I have practice at 10."

"Then leave at 9:30."

He laughed. Soft. Warm. "You're pushy."

"You like it."

"I love it."

We lay there for another hour. Talking about nothing. Talking about everything.

When Cole finally got up, the bed felt cold without him.

"I'll see you later?" I asked.

"The rink. Same time."

"Okay."

He kissed my forehead. Soft. Quick.

Then he left.

I lay in bed for a long time. Staring at the ceiling. Smiling.

I got to work at 10am.

Sarah was already behind the counter. Steaming milk. Pouring drinks. She looked up when I walked in.

"You're late," she said.

"I'm on time."

"You're never on time. You're always early."

"I was... busy."

Sarah raised an eyebrow. "Busy doing what?"

"Nothing."

"That's not nothing. That's the face of someone who got some."

I felt my face go red. "We didn't... we just slept."

"Slept slept or slept?"

"Slept slept. Just slept."

Sarah stared at me for a long moment. Then she smiled. "Good. You needed it."

I tied my apron. Grabbed a rag. Started wiping down the counter.

"He stayed the whole night," I said.

"Cole?"

"Yeah."

"That's big."

"I know."

"Are you guys... official now?"

"I don't know. We haven't talked about it."

"Then talk about it."

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?"

I looked at Sarah. "Because of Maya. Because of everything. We can't just be normal. Not yet."

Sarah put her hand on my arm. "Then be abnormal. But be something. Don't let fear keep you from being happy."

I nodded.

The morning rush came and went. I made lattes and cappuccinos and americanos. I smiled at customers. I didn't have to pretend.

Because for the first time in weeks, I was happy.

Around noon, the door opened.

I looked up.

Maya.

My heart stopped.

She walked in. Alone. No Sarah. No Cole. Just her.

She looked better than the last time I saw her. Not good. But better. Her eyes weren't as tired. Her face wasn't as pale.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

I looked at Sarah. Sarah nodded. "I've got the counter. Take your time."

I untied my apron. Walked around the counter. Maya was standing by the door.

"Outside," she said. "Not here."

We walked to the park across the street. The same park. The same bench. The same view.

Maya sat down. I sat next to her.

"I'm not going to yell," she said.

"I know."

"I'm not going to cry."

"Okay."

She looked at the sky. The clouds were breaking. Patches of blue.

"I've been thinking," she said.

"About what?"

"About you. About Cole. About dinner."

"And?"

Maya turned to look at me. Her eyes were steady. "I don't forgive you. Not yet. But I'm not angry anymore."

"That's more than I deserve."

"Maybe. But it's what I've got."

I didn't know what to say.

Maya looked at her hands. She was twisting her fingers. Nervous.

"Can I ask you something?" she said.

"Anything."

"Do you love him?"

"Cole?"

"Yeah."

I didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"More than you loved me?"

I thought about it. Really thought about it.

"It's different," I said. "Not more. Not less. Just different."

"How?"

"With you, it was safe. Comfortable. Easy. With him... it's hard. It's scary. But it's real."

Maya nodded. Like she understood.

"That's what I thought," she said.

"You're not mad?"

"I'm tired of being mad." She looked at me. "I'm not saying I'm okay with it. I'm not saying I forgive you. But I'm tired of carrying this anger around. It's exhausting."

"Then don't."

"It's not that simple."

"I know."

We sat in silence for a minute. A bird landed on the bench next to us. Looked at us. Flew away.

"Cole stayed at my place last night," I said.

Maya turned to look at me. "What?"

"He stayed. We just slept. Nothing happened. I just... didn't want to be alone."

Maya was quiet for a long time.

Then she said, "Was it nice?"

"What?"

"Having him there."

I thought about it. Waking up to sunlight on my face. Cole's arm around my waist. His breath on my neck.

"Yeah," I said. "It was nice."

Maya nodded. "Good."

"You're not angry?"

"I told you. I'm tired of being angry."

She stood up. Brushed off her jeans.

"I have to go," she said. "Class."

"Okay."

Maya looked at me for a long moment. Then she said, "I'm not ready to see you with him. Not yet. But I'm getting there."

"That's all I can ask."

She walked away.

I sat on the bench for a long time. Watching her go.

After work, I went to the rink.

Cole was already there. Sitting in the same row. The same seats.

"Maya came to see me again," I said.

Cole's head turned. "What did she want?"

"To talk. To understand. To tell me she's tired of being angry."

"That's huge."

"I know."

"What did you tell her?"

"The truth. That I love you. That it's different with you. That it's hard but it's real."

Cole was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "What did she say?"

"She said she's not ready to see us together. But she's getting there."

Cole reached over. Took my hand.

"We're getting there," he said.

"Slowly."

"Slowly is better than not at all."

I squeezed his hand.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Anything."

"What are we?"

Cole turned to look at me. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... are we boyfriends? Are we just... seeing each other? What are we?"

Cole thought about it for a long time.

"I don't know," he said. "But I know I love you. And I know I'm not going anywhere."

"That's not an answer."

"It's the only one I have."

I looked at him. His gray eyes. His tired face. His messy hair.

"That's enough," I said.

"For now?"

"For now."

Cole leaned over. Kissed my forehead. Soft. Quick.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too."

We sat there. Holding hands. Watching the ice.

For the first time in weeks, I wasn't scared.

I got home at 9pm.

My apartment was still clean. The candle had burned out. The bed was still unmade from the morning.

I lay down. Stared at the ceiling.

My phone buzzed. Cole.

Tonight was good.

Yeah, I replied. It was.

Can I see you tomorrow?

I'm working until 6.

I'll come to the coffee shop.

You don't have to.

I want to.

I smiled.

Okay, I typed. I'll see you tomorrow.

Sweet dreams.

You too.

I put my phone down. Closed my eyes.

For the first time in weeks, I fell asleep smiling

I woke up to sunlight on my face.

The rain had stopped. The sky was blue. The streets were dry.

I got out of bed. Made coffee. Burned my tongue. Didn't care.

I texted Cole: Good morning.

His reply came immediately: Good morning. Did you sleep?

Yeah. First time in weeks.

Me too.

Must have been the company.

Must have been.

I smiled.

I'll see you later, I typed.

Can't wait.

I put my phone down. Got dressed. Walked to work.

The sun was warm on my face. The birds were singing. The world felt alive.

I passed Maya's apartment. Didn't stop. Didn't knock.

But I looked up at her window. The lights were on. She was awake.

One day, I thought. One day we'll be okay.

Until then, I'd wait.