Eleven

Sleep evaded me.

The new project was also in full swing and in order to get out of office early enough to pick Aki-chan up from daycare, I was forced to bring some work home. Moreover, I had to cook for us. Not to complain, but I ended up taking over all of those chores that Kaori-nee used to take care of before. It was physically and emotionally taxing on me to try and keep the household together, especially since her earlier indulgent father had suddenly become cold to Aki-chan. Even to me. But there was nothing that I could say or do to ease his pain.

Whenever Hiro-san came over, he brought food for us all. Otherwise, he would help me around the house. The visits, however, were nothing like before. He would come, try and fail to talk properly to Hikaru-nii, spend time with Aki-chan, help me out a bit, eat and just leave. From coming here because he was always warmly received, it felt like he was coming over only to check in on us. Save for those random occasions when Aki-chan became a little chatty, there was none of the previous laughter, banter or even conversations.

Everything had changed.

A few months went by just like that. Eventually, Hikaru-nii stopped locking himself in his room and began to make himself seen around the house but Aki-chan had become quieter and the both of them hardly interacted at all. And then, when his medically advised ban on alcohol ended, Hikaru-nii began drinking. Regularly.

He would go to work, come back and drink. He would eat whatever it was that I put on a plate before him, if he felt like eating at all.

As difficult as it was for me to watch him wasting himself like that, he shot down any attempt to talk either indirectly or explicitly.

The only respite that I or Aki-chan really had in that situation was Hiro-san. Hiro-san seemed to be the only one who remembered what it was like to talk for no reason.

“Kakeru.” Hikaru-nii called after walking past the three of us in the dining area and into the kitchen. We had heard the refrigerator being opened. He had probably gone in search of his next can of beer.

“Yes?” I responded from where I sat at the table. Hiro-san was sitting to my left and Aki-chan was on my lap.

“Do we have any more alcohol?”

“Not if… there’s nothing in the fridge.” Had he already finished it? He had stocked up enough at least for three whole days!

“Damn it!” The fridge door shut rather forcefully and he re-emerged from the kitchen. “Could you go buy some?”

“I-” I looked at Hiro-san. I did not want to go and buy any more. Even if Hikaru-nii had a high tolerance for alcohol, I did not want to allow him to drink so much, if I could help it.

“Hikaru, isn’t that enough already?” Hiro-san turned to him. “You’ve been drinking a lot.”

Hikaru-nii looked between the both of us and on realising that I wasn’t making a move to get up, he turned towards the door instead. “Fine. I’ll go get it myself.”

“Stop. You’re drunk.” Hiro-san frowned. “Hikaru-”

Even if he did not behave like a typical drunk, it was no surprise that his long-time drinking buddy would know him that well.

“I’m fine.” Hikaru-nii said.

I ended up holding Aki-chan closer.

Why had things turned out like this?

“Otou-san, will you eat Ohagi?” Aki-chan spoke up this time. That was when I realised what I had done. She had probably spoken up on noticing my tension. “Hiro-jii brought some.”

“I don’t need it.” Hikaru-nii responded bitterly.

“B-But… it’s delicious.” She picked one up from the plate and held it out to her father.

“I don’t need it.”

“I-It’s sweet.” She tried again. “Otou-san, you like Ohagi, don’t you?”

“Aki, I already told you that I do not need it!” He turned as he slipped on his footwear at the entryway and raised his voice. He did not hide the torrent of emotions from his face either. I felt Aki-chan go stiff instantly.

“B-But-”

“Aki, stop it!” He cut her off. “If it’s delicious, eat it yourself. Otou-san- I-” He stopped himself from saying anything further but his paroxysm had already hit the child hard.

“Otou- un. Kake-jii!” She dropped the Ohagi onto the plate and turned to climb onto me and hug me around my neck. She began wailing into my ear almost immediately. 

“Hikaru!” Hiro-san was on his feet immediately. Hikaru-nii had already disappeared out the door and Hiro-san followed him after throwing me a worried look.

Soon, it was just me and the crying girl in the house. And despite her crying, it all felt awfully quiet.

“Kake-jii, Otou-san is mean!” She wailed.

I… should try to get her to stop. Right.

I picked up an Ohagi. “Here. Take this. Otou-san is okay. He just got angry because he was a little busy. Forgive him, Aki-chan.”

“No! I don’t like Ohagi anymore!” She pushed my hand away.

“O-Okay.” I replaced it. I felt a little lost. Realsing that I was spacing out a bit, I talked myself out of it in my head and took her out of the dining room and into my bedroom. I wanted to get as far away from there as was possible. “It’s okay. Hiro-jii has gone to talk to him. Don’t worry about Otou-san.”

“He got angry… I just gave him Ohagi…” And his refusal had very well gone and torn her world down. She was only trying to cheer him up.

And it was my fault.

I should have been more careful. I was the one who had shown my anxiety, causing her to act. And when I realised that it was not going to end well, I should have stopped them. I should have interjected and saved her from this heartbreak.

But I was secretly hoping that she would be able to touch the father in him. That just… went so terribly wrong.

“Kaa- Kaa-chan too… Emi-chan also told me. That my Kaa-chan is dead. That… she won’t come back. Otou-san too-”

“No. Otou-san will come back. For sure.” I did not allow her to finish what she was saying. The last thing she needed just then was the fear that her father would abandon her too. “He has only us. We’re family. Otou-san isn’t going anywhere.”

How could I even say that so confidently? It wasn’t like Kaori-nee had wanted to go.

“Mm. Ah… Kake-jii…” She clung to me even tighter.  “I want… to see… Kaa-chan.”

What response could I have given to comfort her? Comfort? Was comfort even a possibility here?

In the end, I couldn’t figure out what to say and she had cried herself to sleep. It was probably the most she had cried in a while too. She had tired herself out. I could have just laid her down on my bed and let her continue sleeping. It had become a habit for her to sleep with me over the past few weeks anyway. I could have just lay her don and waited for Hiro-san to return with my brother but… I did not want to let go just then.

I couldn’t bring myself to let go.