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56. Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 57. Dudley Done Right
For the next week, life was nice and relaxed. Nobody wanted to kill us, and we didn’t want to kill anyone; other than a few fish who, let’s face it, were too delicious to live.Claire was still a bit pissed off with me, but she had forgiven Maurice, at least that’s what it sounded like every night. Now that I knew they were all at it, I became aware of all sorts of sounds and I ended up moving my tent away from the camp just so I could get a decent night’s sleep.I may have convinced them to try other forms of intercourse, but I really didn’t want to be within earshot of cries like, “No, no, take it out. Take it out!” And that was Maurice’s voice.We fished, we swam, we messed around with swords. It was supposed to be hardcore training, but I don’t think you could call it anything other than messing around.I showed them all the moves the Princess had taught me, but I didn’t really have them down well enough to teach others. Still, it gave everyone a little
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 58. Together Again
I stood staring at Jenny for a minute, unsure if it was really her. What was she doing here? Was she following me? Was she alone?I lowered my bow and looked around. “Are the others with you?”“They’re probably back at the camp, or still scouting. We always split up and map out anarea when we first arrive in a new place. Helps prevent us running into any nasty surprises.”“Sounds very organised.” I couldn’t imagine us doing that. We’d all go off in different directions and never be able to find each other again. Then a horrible thought struck me. “Did the King give you the marshlands?”“No,” said Jenny, to my relief. “He said he’d think about it, but someone had already made a claim.” I don’t know if my face gave me away, but she seemed to sense my involvement. “You wouldn’t happen to know who that someone might be, would you?”“Why are you here then?” I asked, rather clumsily side-stepping her question.Jenny took her hand off the hilt
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 59. Meet The Family
My arm hurt. I mean it really hurt. But I didn’t want to use magic in front of Jenny so I handled it like a man: I whined a lot.Fortunately, Jenny had a first aid kit. Well, some bandages and a needle and thread. She offered to sew up my cut. You see that sort of thing all the times in movies, where the Navy Seal beautifully cross-stitches a wound closed without even wincing. What better way to show a girl your manliness?I politely declined her offer. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have done the same, the needle was fucking huge.When we arrived back at the lake, everyone was standing around a large fish. It was pretty impressive, about the same size as Suri, with bright red scales. However, the mood was far from jubilant. They all watched apprehensively as we approached.The kid was in his mother’s arms. He pointed at Jenny. “Her. She the one who hurt the idiot.”“First, I’m fine. It was just a misunderstanding. Second, who taught him to call me the i
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 60. Waiting For A Star To Fall
Once Jenny left I was able to heal my arm. I warned the others not to mention that we had discovered magic, even after Jenny joined us.“Even if she really wants to be part of our group, once she realises what a hopeless bunch we are, she may want to leave. Probably immediately. We don’t want her going off with all our secrets.”“When you say hopeless bunch,” said Claire, “you mean the rest of us, right? You’re not including yourself.”“No, Claire, I am including myself. Just because I act like I’m better than everyone doesn’t mean I think I’m great. I have a very low opinion of myself, trust me. It just means I’m constantly being surrounded by people who are even less impressive. It’s very depressing.”“Ah think you’ll find this will cheer you oop.” Flossie jumped in front of me, legs wide apart, hands on hips in superhero pose. She pointed a finger at me, and out of the end appeared a teeny, tiny flame. For about a microsecond, and then pfft, it was gone.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 61. Trial By Fire
It might seem very romantic, a terrified girl falling into your arms and asking to be saved, but I assure you it isn’t. It’s actually quite upsetting. That she’s scared; that someone out there did this to her; that you’re expected to take care of it. All very upsetting.A hero, of course, will do what needs to be done in order to save the girl. The heroes you hear about, that is. Then there are all those ‘heroes’ who attempt to save the girl, but fail. You don’t hear much about them, but I’m guessing they’re in the majority.Dag had a bandage around his thigh where I assumed Jenny had stabbed him. He didn’t have his sword with him, but he was carrying the axe he’d been given on the first day. He immediately broke out his biggest smile when he recognised me.“Hey. Look who it is. How you doing, bruv?”From Jenny’s story, I had expected it to be Tin. I guess that was just my prejudices coming out. She was too worked up and babbl
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 62. Tin Man
Walking along with your hand held up is quite tiring. It was too dark to see where we were going without the light, but very awkward. Dragging Dag’s body through the long grass was no easy matter, either.There weren’t many trees in the marshlands, and we’d passed a group with distinctive white trunks when we first arrived, so I had a rough idea of where we were going. Still, not an easy task in the dark.Dudley was as untalkative as ever and I was busy ignoring the doubts trying to force their way into my thoughts. The obvious thing to have done was leave. Dump the body somewhere and deny we had anything to do with it.But some of the things Dag had said made me think Tin wasn’t the type to just leave it. I really didn’t want to spend every day looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to catch up with us. Plus, I had eagle-eyed Dudley backing me up.It took us about an hour to get to the copse of white trees. By that time, my hand was barely flickering. Ap
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 63. Lizard Blizzard
Nabbo gave us simple directions to Dargot. All we had to do was head northeast out of the marshes and we’d reach the main road to the city.There were seven of us now — far too many people to comfortably sneak around. If the lizardmen were tracking us, they wouldn’t find it very hard.We walked for many hours. I was too worried about the lizardmen to rest for more than a few minutes at a time. They all complained greatly.“Get the fuck up or I’m leaving you here,” was my main argument. My follow up was, “You didn’t hear Amy’s screams. Piercing, they were. Sounded like she was in a lot of pain. And then the screaming stopped and the laughing began. Horrible, horrible lizard laughter. Anyway, I’m going, you do what you want.”That got them back on their feet sharpish.Of course, the lizardmen might not have been following us. And even if they were, there were only five in their group. We outnumbered them, but that didn’t mean much considering the kind o
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 64. The Mandy Project
“What we need,” I said, “is somewhere nice and quiet to hide out.”“If I’m not mistaken,” said Dudley, “there are some trees in that direction.” He pointed back the way we’d come.I hadn’t seen any trees, but then I didn’t have Dudley’s superior eyesight. We headed off in the direction Dudley had indicated and sure enough, an hour so later, we found ourselves in a wooded area.We put up the tents, built a fire pit and sorted out a latrine. It was all very efficiently done. Jenny and Mandy must have thought of us as quite the pros. Ah, if only they knew the truth.We had three tents between seven people, but since there needed to be someone on watch at all times, it wasn’t too hard to sort out sleeping arrangements. First watch went to me and my good friend Mandy.Once the others had gone to bed, I sat down by the sunken fire and took out my sword (no, that’s not a euphemism). I looked up to see Mandy staring at me from the opposite side of the fire.
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