I Choose To Let Go

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome. When it flared up, my whole body would suffer unbearable pain.

For three years, my parents sought every possible treatment.

They sold our house to pay for my treatments. Our family had to squeeze into a tiny rented flat after that.

Hearing their arguments hurt me inside. I wasn't hurt by my mom's complaints, but by my own uselessness.

I was being a burden to all of them.

While I was thinking that, the door opened, and my mom walked in, her eyes teary. She looked at me and asked, "Are you feeling better?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore. Let's discharge."

My words made her sigh lightly, "Whatever you say."

I knew she was upset. Every time I had an attack, my whole family had to come to the hospital with me.

When the pain struck, it was agonizing. My whole body would tremble. Because the pain made me irritable, I often took it out on my family.

Over time, anyone would lose their patience.

I followed my parents and my older brother, Alan, home.

I was dozing off in my cramped room when I heard my dad's voice outside the door. "You must continue studying. Without a master's degree in medicine, it'll be hard to find a job. Don't worry about money."

"Dad!"

"I don't want to hear it. Your brother's illness won't get any better. You can't ruin your life for his sake. It's not fair."

I could hear Mom's sobbing so clearly that I couldn't fall asleep.

After Dad left for work and my brother went to his part-time job, I got up with difficulty and wrote them a suicide note.

My hand trembled with pain, so my writing was messy, but I persevered.

"Alan, please don't give up on your dreams for my sake. A good-for-nothing like me is not worth that kind of sacrifice.

"Mom, I'm sorry, I should have listened to you and not watched the snow. Maybe my illness wouldn't have triggered then.

"Dad, after I'm gone, you don't have to work three jobs anymore. You'll wear yourself out if you keep doing that.

"This family will have a little more hope without me."

By the time I was done writing, I was drenched in sweat.

Just then, my mom came in. "Jack, I'm going out to buy groceries. Will you be fine staying home alone?"

"Yes, of course. I'll take a nap. Don't wake me when you get back."

Mom glanced at me, then turned and left.

After she was gone, I got dressed and walked out. I had to lean against the wall for support, shuffling along slowly. My hands and feet had long stopped obeying me.

My initial plan was to jump off the building, but that would be really painful. The aftermath would also be messy and unsightly, and it might scare the neighbors.

Walking down the stairs used up all my strength. Just then, a neighbor walked over.

When he saw me, he gave me a smile and said, "You're out, Jack!"

"Yeah, I want to take a walk."

"Good. Getting some sun will be good for you."

I tried hard to force a smile, then walked away unsteadily, leaning against the wall.

His sigh reached my ears. "Poor kid. His family is suffering!"

See? Even the neighbors thought my family was in misery because of me.

I walked to the park nearby. I was completely exhausted when I arrived.

I took one last look at the rented flat behind me, forced a smile, and leaped into the pond!

Dying in the rented flat would upset the landlord, and he might kick my family out.

Dying in the pond would inconvenience the public, which I felt sorry about, but at least no one would give my parents trouble.

The icy cold pond water submerged my head. The feeling of suffocation enveloped me.

I had no idea how much time passed after that, but I felt myself floating out of the water.

When I saw my body at the bottom of the pond, I realized that I was dead.

I floated above the pond and looked around. There was no one around at the moment, so no one saw what I did.

I was starting to regret it. Why didn't I leave some traces behind? I had no idea when my body would be discovered at this rate.