Chapter 1: Empty House

Lola's POV

The pregnancy test hit the bathroom tiles at exactly 4:47 in the morning.

I didn't throw it. My fingers simply stopped holding it. Five years of trying and my hands had finally decided they were done pretending the result would be different this time.

Negative.

Again.

I stared at it on the floor for a long time without picking it up. The bathroom was cold and the tiles were cold and the word negative sat inside my chest like something with weight, like something that had always lived there and had simply stopped hiding.

Five years.

I said it to myself the way you repeat a word until it loses all meaning. Five years of waking before dawn to count dates on a calendar. Five years of holding my breath through the two-week wait, of whispering prayers into the space between sleeping and waking, of pressing my palms flat against my stomach like I could will something into existence through sheer devotion. Five years of the same ending. The same single line where two should have been.

I picked the test up off the floor, wrapped it in tissue, buried it at the bottom of the bin the way I had buried the ones before it. Then I washed my hands twice, dried them on the towel hanging behind the door, and looked at myself in the mirror.

The woman looking back at me did not look like someone who was falling apart.

****

By nine, the pack market was already crowded.

I had told myself I only needed to pick up the herbs the physician prescribed. In and out. Simple. But the market on a Saturday morning was the worst place in Crescent Ridge for a she-wolf who was losing a quiet war with her own womb.

They were everywhere.

Children.

A little girl, maybe three years old, broke away from her mother's side and ran straight into my legs, arms wide, face split open with the kind of joy that had no reason behind it.

"Sorry, sorry..." Her mother rushed over, scooping her up. "Anabell, I told you... "

"It's fine." My voice came out softer than I intended.

Anabell looked at me from her mother's arms. Round eyes. Milk teeth. She reached out and patted my cheek with an open palm like she had known me her whole short life.

Her mother laughed. "She does that to everyone she likes."

I smiled.

I held the smile until they turned the corner.

Then I stood in the middle of the market and pressed my hand flat against my stomach and breathed through it.

Five years, I thought. Five years and nothing.

"Lola."

I turned. It was Tabitha, one of the she-wolves from the east ward, a baby strapped to her chest and a toddler pulling at her skirt from below. She beamed like she always did, warm and completely unaware.

"I heard about the IPO. The whole pack is talking. You must be so proud."

"Thank you."

"And you..." She tilted her head, that particular tilt. "Any news on your own end? Any child coming soon?"

My jaw tightened. "Not yet."

"Don't worry." She patted my arm with her free hand, the one not holding a baby. "The Moon Goddess has a plan. It'll happen when it's time."

She walked away.

The toddler waved at me from behind her mother's legs.

I waved back.

When it's time.

I had been hearing that sentence for five years too.

****

Tristain was in the kitchen when I got home, phone pressed to his ear, jacket already on. He held up one finger when I walked in without looking at me fully.

"...I'll be there by eleven. Tell the council it's confirmed." He laughed at something on the other end. "Yes. Yes, that works."

He hung up.

"You're going out?" I set the herbs on the counter.

"Council meeting. Ran up this morning." He reached past me for his keys. "I told you yesterday there might be one."

"You didn't."

He paused. Looked at me. Then smiled, slow and easy. "My luna. I'm sure I mentioned it."

"Tristain. We have the appointment at two."

The smile held but something behind his eyes shifted. Just briefly. "Which appointment?"

"The physician. I fainted… remember?." I kept my voice level. "We scheduled it two weeks ago, Tristain."

"Right." He nodded once. "I'll make it work. I'll be there."

"You said that last month."

"And I was there last month."

"You were forty minutes late and Dr. Callum had already started."

"Lola." He stepped toward me and put both hands on my shoulders, his voice dropping to the register he used when he wanted me to stop pushing. "I will be there. Okay? I promise."

I looked at him.

This was the man the pack pointed at as the gold standard. The Alpha who cried at his bonding ceremony. The husband who held his wife's hand in every photograph. The wolf who, when asked at a council dinner what his greatest achievement was, said her name.

My wife. Without question.

"Okay," I said.

He kissed my forehead. Picked up his keys. Left.

I stood in the kitchen alone and listened to the car pull out of the driveway.

****

He was seven minutes late.

Not forty, like last time. He walked into the examination room still straightening his jacket, mouthing sorry at me with a smile that said he knew the smile would be enough.

It usually was. I loved him so much that I couldn’t stay angry at him for long.

Dr. Callum was already seated. No weather comment today. No question about the business. He had a file open on the desk in front of him and he was not quite meeting my eyes.

My wolf went still.

"I asked you both to come in because the routine panel flagged something." He kept his voice even. "We ran a second test before calling you. Both results are the same."

Tristain sat forward. "What kind of something?"

"I want to be direct." Dr. Callum looked at me. Only me. "Lola."

"Say it," I said. "Please."

I hate to be the one to break it, but you have stage four cancer and less than a year to live. 

The room didn't spin. I had expected it to spin. Instead everything just became very still and very sharp, the way things go quiet right before something breaks.

Tristain made a sound beside me. A sharp, fractured sound. He grabbed my hand and his shoulders dropped and he said my name once, just once, in a voice I had never heard from him before.

"No." His voice cracked. "No, that can't… run it again. Run every test again, there has to be..."

"Tristain." Dr. Callum was gentle. "The results are confirmed."