Chapter IV: Bridge

Have you ever felt like living is a crime? Like every breath has to cost each part of your body, and now that you’re twenty-four, there’s no more of you that you could give off. Ubos na. Now you’re breathing illegally. And you could not contain the guilt of knowing that there is no more of you.

Chris took me back to my apartment, he did not say anything. He did not ask what was happening. He just looked at me and said, “ingat.” And that’s a good thing. As he believes that we would meet again soon, I believe in it as well. May utang ako na kailangang bayaran sa kaniya, I need to return the favor to him. So I’ll be leaving in peace. I wish that our final meeting would happen soon – that my death would come soon.

I don’t want to went inside my apartment pero masyado na akong nahihiya kay Chris at naiinis sa sarili ko. That short stop-by at the convenience store was enough for me to at least breathe and be calmed. 

I got straight to bed and slept the first time my back hit the mattress.

Waking up the next day, with one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in my life. I prepared myself.

The heavy rain made it hard for the passengers. Waiting sheds are full. It’s rush hour, everyone’s up for work and making their way to get to their jobs. My heart was calmed by the heavy rain, the harsh pouring of every drop, the cold wind that hugs me.

“The heaven is crying, “ my mom would always say when I was little. I was amused. The heaven is crying. “Why is it crying?” The question would always linger in my mind, but I do not dare to ask her that. I just nodded and smiled. If heaven is crying, why do some people are happy about it? Of course, there will be water to wet the dry lands, so the children could go outside and play under the pouring rain – which I envy. My mom wouldn't let me. She said that heaven is crying, so why should I enjoy myself in its agony?

Five jeepneys passed in front of me, all with full passengers. Gusto ko pa sana na sumabit na lamang pero ang mga jeep mismo ang ayaw huminto sa tuwing paparahin ko sila. Half an hour had passed and I was able to get on one of the jeepneys. I am late for work, nothing is new about it though.

Cristine greeted me with a frown, “gaga! Late ka na naman!” She's brewing a coffee and taking on the cashier at the same time. I shooed her and told her to focus at brewing. “Dapat doble din ang sweldo ko, lagi na lang akong nagta-take-over para sa’yo.” I rolled my eyes at her. “Sabihan mo si Patricia.” Napangiwi siya at umiling.

The café is almost full, I guess that’s because of the rain. People are looking for something warm, and the first thing that gets to their mind is coffee. Coffee tastes best in the mornings. And even better on rainy mornings.

“Nandiyan na si Patricia?” Umiling si Cristine. “Akala ko bukas pa siya bibisita dito?” She’s not here yesterday. I forgot about it.

“Dumating siya kahapon.” Cristine seemed surprised; by the looks of her eyes, she did not believe me. “Every third week, Friday. Hindi pa pumalya ‘yon.” I shrugged. I was really surprised by it too, but who am I to ask her. I am just a mere best friend who cannot trust her after everything she has done for me. And I’ve been treating her badly lately.

The rain lasted until we’re off at the café. Parang hindi napapagod ang mga ulap sa pagbuhos ng ulan.

I thought Patricia would come to the café today but she did not. Probably tomorrow, maybe she’ll follow her usual schedule. I groaned, I should’ve just texted or emailed her about resigning, but I know It would make her even mad. Worse is that she won’t talk to me anymore. So I should tell her about the resignation, personally.

Mas pinili ko na lumakad pauwi para dumaan sa isang kainan malapit sa Pumpkin bridge.

Pumpkin bridge is an old, rusty-looking bridge in the morning. But a beautiful, well-lighted, and lively bridge in the evening. There are lots of stores at night, situated at both ends of the bridge. It's nice, even if it’s raining.

I can see the lights and the crowd in the distance. Their laughter can be heard in the distance. The rain seemed to calm a bit and so, the smell of the road after the rain lingered in my nostrils.

“Cindy! Bakit ngayon ka lang?” Tita Q blurted, she hugged me tightly and led me to a table. “Sorry po, medyo busy.” Busy doing nothing. “Na-miss kita, dati lagi kang naandito.”

The first time I saw this place, I couldn't get enough of it. The people are nice, they serve really delicious foods, you can stay as you like whether you just took one order or none at all. “Busy lang po talaga, I’ll double the meal that I’ll order! Para makabawi.” I smiled sweetly at her.

Tita Q is an amazing woman, she’s a mother of two adorable kids which she is raising alone. She told me that her husband left her three years ago.

“The usual ba?” I nodded.

She left me to take my order. I busied myself with my phone, which I have not opened since yesterday. I knew Patty would bombard me with messages and calls, so I turned it off instantly. And I was right, my phone was lagging because of the messages and missed calls notification. I read all of her messages and composed a message saying sorry and that if we could talk tomorrow. She instantly replied “yes.” I was relieved.

“Cindy! The usual, two special goto with egg and tokwa!”

I missed it! Tita Q makes the best goto here in Pumpkin. Talagang dinadayo.

The food warmed my stomach, this is the only meal that I’ve eaten for today. It’s delicious as ever. I do not really know how to cook, just the basics. From rice to frying an egg, that’s the best I could. Mom was the one who always cooks for us.

She’s hands-on at everything. Everything at home.

Home.

When was the last time I thought about home?

After finishing my food, Tita Q asked me to stay a bit and chit-chat with her. I refused, saying that I am really busy and I need to go home and sleep as early as I can. She seemed sad about it.

I left and walked to the bridge. I am in the middle of the road, there are no vehicles that are passing through. It’s normal, all vehicles are using the new bridge, it has easier access, and it will eventually lead to the main road. Not like here.

I stopped, putting my hands at the rusty bridge, feeling the cold metal. I step closer to the side and watch the raging water below. The truth is that I would love to hear Tita Q’s stories. But I cannot. There are certain things that I should deprive myself of, and that’s one. I don’t wanna be close to anyone. Not except Patty, and now I am slowly closing the door I have for her.

I looked at the sky, it was pitch black. There are no stars, the moon is crescent-shaped. I held my hand up, reaching the moon within my hands. Even though I know that I couldn’t. It’s too far away, it’s impossible, it’s nonsense. Why would somebody want to hold the moon within their hands? After getting the moon, so what’s next?

I laughed with my own silliness. I probably look like a fool and a crazy girl in the middle of an old bridge with her hands up in the sky and smiling.

 A car stopped.

May bumusina.

No one usually crosses this bridge, not if they want to have meals here at pumpkin. The window opened. “You shouldn't really cross this bridge at this hour”

Chris. It's Chris.

“You know what, you always come at the wrong place and at the wrong time.” I removed my shoes, held on to the dim-light post, and stood up at the bridge’s railing, while feeling the air. Yes. The emotions I’ve been feeling are making me this emotional. I think this is a lot better than staying up at my place, crying, hurting myself. Right now, I feel like I am a water—streaming down to wherever the possibility would take me. I do not have any choice but to accept the fact that I cannot control my own self.

“You think so too, I cannot call this uncanny encounter though. Probably fate?” He was already standing behind me.

“What do you know about fate? Like some cheesy soulmates? Red strings?” I laughed. These absurd things are just made by the mind of those people who live with their ugly ideals. It’s not bad though, sometimes they hold onto these things believing to meet someone that could change their lives in a good way, and so they live with hope. But I am not one of them.

“Nasaktan ka na siguro noon, kaya hindi ka na naniniwala dun. I understand you.”

I face him, “no. Not really, ever since my existence I do not believe such things.” He looked sad about it, I laughed. “Why? First time mo’ng makakilala ng taong di naniniwala sa fate? You should get out more, there are lots of my kind.”

“Why? First time mo din makakilala ng taong naniniwala sa fate? You should get out more, there are lots of my kinds as well.” He said, mocking me. I shrugged.

I put on my shoes and started walking away from him. I remembered the day of my almost death. But he intervened. Was it called fate? Ill-fate, I could say.

“What do you believe in then?”

I stopped half-way but I did not face him. “I believe that my death will come. That I would be able to run away from everything. That I would be freed. That one day there will be no pain.” I said, loud enough for him to hear, although I cannot see his reaction. He stayed silent and I decided to just walk away.

Oof. So much for strangers to share.