Chapter 01.1

The teaching finally began.

At the dorm, I shared a room with Eddie. Our third roommate was never around—he practically lived at his girlfriend’s place. I could’ve done the same. We only ever saw him during lectures, which made our room feel pretty comfortable.

I tried to fit in and find the group of friends I’d eventually belong to. I joined a team playing some kind of shooting game on the computer, but I just dragged them down—I kept getting shot.

I also joined Eddie and his friends for card games, but even though they played for small stakes, I kept losing. I didn’t enjoy sitting with them too often. They were friendly enough, but I didn’t really fit in. They were all from the same town and had known each other for years.

I talked to Brian and my family at least once a week—we always made time to call each other. Brian seemed genuinely happy with Mayoko. They’d moved in together and even signed up for a local swimming competition with Paul. Brian always kept me updated on our friends—except Jenny. It was like she’d vanished from everyone’s life.

Just like a year ago, when I ruined everything because of my jealousy, I already missed her after only a few days. But every time I looked at my phone, I remembered—she had made me delete her number, and I had removed all her pictures.

Weekends were painfully dull. Early in the semester, there wasn’t much studying to do, so we usually went into town in groups. We’d go rollerblading, catch a movie, or find something else to do—but even the cinema didn’t feel the same as back home.

I took Uncle Steve’s advice seriously. From day one, I reviewed the material every night and wrote down my questions for him. We agreed to talk regularly so he could help me with my studies. My classmates, on the other hand, partied almost every night—either in the dorm or at the student center.

I went swimming several times a week, but the campus pool was too small for my liking. Most people just chatted, played around, or flirted, leaving barely any room for actual swimming. Sometimes I went into town for a proper swim, but it was too far and getting there by public transport was a hassle.

Brian always answered when I called, but sometimes I felt like I was interrupting something.

After a few weeks, Jenny started creeping into my thoughts more and more. It got harder to focus on studying. I’d compare my lunch to her cooking, wonder what she’d think about something, or remember a joke I wished I could share with her.

Day by day, I became more certain that she had someone new in her life. And why wouldn’t she? She was smart, beautiful—there wasn’t a single reason someone wouldn’t ask her out. Or say yes.

Except me.

Missing her made me decide to bring back the old Jay. I bought hair gel and started flirting around again. At lunch, I’d sit at a different girls’ table every day to chat. But they either weren’t funny, didn’t get my humor, or we just had nothing to talk about. They weren’t as shallow as my exes, but none of them came close to Jenny. Even the thrill of the chase didn’t excite me like it used to. I asked a few girls out for cake or a walk, but I didn’t want anything more.

Whenever I got bored, I went swimming—but I was practically the only one using the pool for actual swimming.

Around the pool, girls and guys lounged on sunbeds. When I climbed out of the water, the girls looked me over like I was a piece of meat. Three older girls giggled loudly while staring at me. The one in the middle stood up and walked over. She was tall, slim, with short brown hair. A tattoo peeked out from under her swimsuit on her left hip—some kind of bird, I think, though I didn’t pay much attention.

“Hey,” she said. “I’m Harper. First year?”

“Yeah,” I smiled, drying my hair. “I’m John.”

“We’re throwing a party Saturday night on our floor,” she said. “If you’re up for it, come by.”

“Thanks, sounds fun,” I said. “I’ll be there.”

It was time for the old Jay to score again. I styled my hair and got ready for the party. I only headed over after studying, so the party was already in full swing by the time I arrived.

As I stepped into the building, a girl handed me a drink. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but I didn’t want to hold on to any part of my old self. JJ would’ve taken the shot—so I downed it in one go. It burned all the way down my throat, but I didn’t care.