Chapter 2

"Beauty provokes harassment, the law says, but it looks through men's eyes when deciding what provokes it." - Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Tumatak sa isip ko ang mga huling sinabi ni Zyline. I should get out of my comfort zone? Sumandal ako sa headboard ng kama at huminga ng malalim.

The last time I tried to get out of my comfort zone, I got raped. I don't think I can risk it again.

Hindi ko naman talaga habol ang sumikat sa pagiging modelo. I just do it for a living and as pastime as well. I don't think there's a need to level up. Malaki na ang kinikita ko sa pagiging catwalk model at promotional model.

For catwalk modeling, I just wear clothes made by certain designers and show it to clients through runway. Sa promotional modeling naman ay halos cosmetics at jewelries ang naka-book sa akin. I gain a lot from it actually na nagagamit ko na iyon para sa mga expenses ko at kuntento na ako sa ganoon sa ngayon.

Tumatak lang talaga sa isipan ko ang sinabi ni Zyline. She has a point that I have to go out of my comfort zone but I don't think I am prepared to do it yet. Maybe in time, when I am completely healed.

Sa unang araw ko sa nilipatang university ay hindi naging mahirap para sa akin ang makisalamuha. Some of my classmates even know me. Most of the guys are friendly while some girls look so hard to please.

Wala naman akong pakialam kung magkaroon man ako ng kaibigan o hindi. I am determined to finish my studies and this university has a good reputation that's why I chose it, bonus nalang na elite school ito at karamihan sa mga estudyante ay talagang mayayaman at mula sa sikat na pamilya.

Luckily, despite being a transferee ay regular student pa rin ako. My subjects from my previous school matched the subject descriptions here kaya wala akong naiwan.

"Hi Nicaseane, may kasama ka bang maglunch? Gusto mong sumabay sa amin?" One of the boys asked me. I immediately recognized he's part of the basketball team.

Ngumiti ako at pumayag na makipag-lunch. I am not comfortable being alone with boys but since it's a group lunch ay pumayag ako.

Karamihan sa mga kasama ay miyembro ng basketball at football team, and ofcourse, lahat ay lalaki. They were all friendly and respectful so I didn't really feel uncomfortable.

Hindi nagtagal ay mas nakasanayan kong makisalamuha sa kanila kaysa sa mga babaeng classmates. And maybe because I don't think the girls like me.

Hindi iisang beses na narinig ko silang pinag-uusapan ako at nahuling iniirapan ako. I ignored them though, I don't think they're worth my time. Sanay ako na ganito dahil mula naman elementary ay mas gusto kong kasama ang mga lalaki dahil totoo sila at hindi plastic. At an early age, I know how to distinguish people who truly cares for me from the people who secretly hates me.

Tinitigan ko ang likuran ng dalawang babaeng bumangga sa akin at umalis na parang wala lang. My books were scattered on the floor as I stood there glaring at them.

Pinigilan ko ang sariling sugurin sila dahil ayaw kong mag-aksaya ng oras kahit pa inis na inis ako. I can accept criticisms but bullying? I don't think tatagal akong ginaganito rito. Yumuko at nagsimulang magpulot ng mga libro nang may lalaking yumuko na rin at tumulong sa akin. I sighed when I recognized him.

"Don't mind them," he said while picking up my books. Tumayo ako at hinayaan na siyang gawin iyon.

Nang nakuha ang lahat ay inabot niya ang mga iyon sa akin. He towered over me and showed me his usual boyish and snob look.

"Thank you," I smiled at him.

"You're not even yet at the peak of being a supermodel and the girls already hate you," umiiling nitong sinabi.

Natawa ako roon.

"And I don't think it'll be good for you if they see us talking or even walking together."

Ngumisi ako at kinuha na ang mga libro mula sa kaniya. "Go ahead Gelo, kaya ko naman ang sarili ko."

He smirked, "Ofcourse, you have so many prince charmings in this school Nica." Hindi niya na hinintay ang sagot ko at nauna na ngang naglakad patungo sa classroom.

Sumunod ako sa kaniya ngunit pinanatili ang aming distansya. For the past few months of being in this school, I've been doing pretty well with boys and it started issues I actually expected. Dawit ang pangalan ko sa ilang breakups ng mga football players kaya karamihan sa mga babae ay galit sa akin.

At mas magiging mahirap kung madadawit pa ako sa isang artista, specifically to Gelo Ferrer.

Magkaklase kami sa isang subject pero matagal na kaming magkakilala bago pa man ako magtransfer. He's a colleague in modeling that's why we're quite close. Pero dahil artista ay hindi siya ganoon kadalas nakikipag-usap sa kung sino lang, his paparazzis can easily  stir up issues if he's seen with girls.

"Hi Nicaseane!" Isang babae ang lumapit sa akin sa loob ng ladies room hapon nang araw na iyon.

She smiled at me before showing me a familiar make-up kit. "Uhm okay lang bang pa-autograph?"

Nagkasalubong ang kilay ko, "Autograph?"

She nodded enthusiastically.

I glanced at the make-up kit she's holding. It's the one that I recently promoted. I am actually the face of that brand. Pero ito ang unang beses na may humingi ng autograph ko dito sa school. I thought every girl here hates me.

"Ayos lang ba? Or bawal kapag nandito sa school?" She suddenly looks embarassed. Akmang babawiin niya ang make-up kit nang tinanggap ko iyon.

I smiled at her as I open the sign pen to write my signature on the back part of the kit.

"I'm just surprised, I thought all the girls here hate me."

Mukhang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. "Ofcourse not! You're so beautiful, how can people hate you?"

Happy girls are the prettiest.

Nicaseane Monteverde

Nakangiti kong ibinalik sa kaniya ang make-up kit.

"I hope girls only knew how to admire and not hate." I told her.

"Well you have haters here too, lalo pa ngayong dito kana nag-aaral. But I think it's normal, everyone here has haters." She smiled at me. "I'll go ahead Nicaseane, thank you so much for this!"

Ngumiti ako at tumango. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa tuluyang makalabas ng ladies room. Nag-iwan ng ngiti sa akin ang mga sinabi niya kaya naman maganda ang mood ko buong araw.

"I will assign your partners and by next week, I want to see initial outputs of your acoustic project."

Tahimik akong nakinig para malaman kung sino ang makaka-partner. This is the first project I need to do with a partner since I transfered in this school at hindi ako sigurado kung magiging maganda ba ang resulta kung may partner ako o wala.

Sa isip ko ay mas gugustuhin ko na ang mag-isa but since it's a project for pair, hindi ako sigurado kung gusto kong sa babae ako ipapares o sa lalaki. Being in pair means working together and I don't think I will be comfortable to do it with a boy. In the end ay lihim kong ipinagdasal na sana ay babae ang magiging partner ko.

Mababait naman ang mga kaklase kong babae sa subject na ito kaya palagay ko ay ayos lang. But maybe I wasn't really meant to get along with girls?

"Sean Park and Nicaseane Monteverde."

Nilingon ko ang lalaki. Halos lingunin din kami ng lahat nang tawagin ang pangalan namin. Umusbong ang mga bulungan.

"What a tandem.."

"Bagay sila, gwapo at maganda."

Halos ganoon ang narinig ko.

I know him, he's very popular. Unang araw ko palang sa klase ay napansin ko agad siya lalo pa't mukhang lapitin siya ng mga babae. And I think he's a playboy.

Nagulat ako nang lingunin ako nito. He smiled at me, hindi naman ako makangiti pabalik.

Nang binigyan kami ng pagkakataon ng professor na magusap-usap ay naroon na agad siya sa tabi ko. Mapaglaro ang mga ngiti nito kaya lalo akong hindi naging kumportable.

"I believe we haven't been formally introduced yet?" Nag-alok ito ng shake hands subalit hindi ko tinanggap.

"Nicaseane Reese Monteverde," maikli kong pakilala.

Ibinaba nito ang kamay. "Yes I know you, our famous young model."

"I know you too and I don't have plans to play with a casanova like you so please let's plan for this project so we can stop talking already."

It rendered him speechless but then his smile didn't fade.

"Where are we doing it? My place?" He asked and I glared at him. Natawa siya dahil doon.

"We can do it separately."

"It's better to do it together."

"I don't want to do it together."

Natigilan siya at natulala sa akin. Nagtaas ito ng kilay nang nakabawi. "The rumors say you're a flirt but you're actually giving me a hard time right now."

Nagtaas din ako ng kilay, "That's why it's called rumor."

Nanliit ang mga mata nito at sa huli ay ngumiti na lamang at tumango.

"Let's do it in your place then, if you're uncomfortable to do it with me."

Umiling ako, "Let's do it separately."

He chuckled, "In a coffeeshop then? May mga tao roon."

Natigilan ako't napatingin sa kaniya. Why do I feel like he can read my mind? He knows I'm uncomfortable? Is this one of his tactics?

"Don't be scared, I may be a playboy but I'm serious about my studies. We should do the project together because we're a pair."

I sighed. Sa huli ay pumayag din ako. I don't think it's unsafe at tama naman siya, we should do it together. We exchanged numbers so we can text each other about the project.

Noong una ay duda pa ako kung proyekto lang ba ang dahilan kaya niya kinuha ang numero ko pero napatunayan kong totoo iyon nang nag-Biyernes at doon pa lamang siya nagtext tungkol sa oras ng pagkikita namin bukas.

Sean Park:

Hi Nica, this is Sean Park. Do you prefer to meet in the morning or in the afternoon?

Mabilis akong nagtipa ng reply.

Me:

I prefer to do it in the afternoon since I go to the gym in the morning. Is it okay?

Mabilis din ang kaniyang reply.

Sean Park:

Yeah sure. Let's meet at the coffeeshop near the university then. Where do you live? You want me to pick you up?

I rolled my eyes. He's really good with girls I guess?

Me:

No thanks, I have my car. Let's just meet at three in the afternoon.

Isinara ko ang locker matapos magreply sa kaniya. Inayos ko ang mga gamit sa aking bag at nagsimula nang maglakad patungo sa parking lot nang nakarinig ako ng ingay sa dulo ng hallway.

Mula sa kinatatayuan ko ay natanaw ko ang kumpol ng mga babaeng naroon.

"Just give us his number!"

"Sabing ayoko nga!"

Dahil dadaanan ko naman talaga iyon ay hindi ko napigilan ang sariling mapatingin na rin. Higit sa limang babae ang nakapaikot sa isa pang babae.

"Bitch ka! Hindi porke close kayo ay pwede mo na siyang ipagdamot!"

"Mas bitch ka! Trying so hard to get Ice's number from me, alam niyo namang may girlfriend yung tao."

"Aba at talagang sumasagot ka pa ha!"

Nagulat ako nang sinampal nito ang babae. The girl is tall but she doesn't look like she can fight back for herself. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sariling makialam nang hinila nila ang buhok nito.

"Hey hey why are you hurting her for just a phone number?" Singit ko sa kanila.

Natigilan sila at mabilis na bumaling sa akin. Sinamantala ko iyon para kunin ang kawawang babae at itago sa likuran ko.

"Bakit ka nakikialam? Hindi porke sikat ka ay pwede ka nang makialam!"

I looked at her from head to foot. She doesn't look that sophisticated like the other girls I usually see in this school. In fact, she looks like she can mess up.

"What will you do if I report you to the student council for harassing a co-student?"

Walang takot naman itong natawa. "Then we should hit you both para naman hindi masayang ang effort mong magsumbong."

Kumunot ang noo ko at halos napapikit nang umamba ito sa pagsampal sa akin. Ngunit nang wala namang naramdamang masakit ay nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang nakita si Sean sa harapan ko.

"S-Sean.."

Hawak nito ang kamay ng babae at alam ko agad ang ginawa niya para sa akin. Mabilis na nagtakbuhan ang mga babae palayo.

Hinarap niya ako. "Are you okay?"

Tumango ako, "S-Salamat."

Sumulyap ito sa babaeng nasa likuran ko. Hawak ko pa rin pala ang kamay nito.

"How about you Coleen?"

"T-Thank you Kuya Sean.."

Tumango ito at muling bumaling sa akin. "Some girls in this school are aggressive so if you don't want your face to get ruined, just avoid them."

Sasagot na sana ako nang may tumawag sa kaniya na agad niyang nilingon.

"What's taking you so long?" A girl yelled from behind him.

Ni hindi na nakapagpaalam si Sean at kaagad na siyang naglakad patungo sa babae. Inakbayan niya iyon at pinanood ko sila sa pag-alis sa hallway.

"Uh.."

Napalingon ako sa babaeng tinulungan ko.

"Thank you, for helping me.." she said shyly.

Pinagmasdan ko ito, "Bakit hindi mo nalang ibinigay ang numero para tigilan ka nila?"

She bit her lower lip, wala naman siyang sinabi.

Huminga ako ng malalim at tuluyan na siyang hinarap. "Do you like the guy? Kaya ayaw mong ipamigay ang phone number?"

Her eyes widened because of that. Namula ang kaniyang magkabilang pisngi at muntik na akong matawa dahil doon.

"You look so young yet you are here acting so tough for the guy you like." Napapailing kong sinabi.

"But you are here too, acting tough just so you can save me. Ni hindi mo nga ako kilala.."

Nagtaas ako ng kilay. She has a point but can't she atleast be thankful?

"Kung hindi dumating si Kuya Sean baka nasaktan ka rin nila.."

Kumunot ang noo ko, "Kuya Sean? Are you related to him? He knows you.."

"He's friends with my older brother, and Ice.."

Napatango ako, nanatiling nakamasid sa kaniya. She looks so innocent, pakiramdam ko ay tama lang na may kuya siya. Despite being tall, she looks defenseless, kaya siguro hindi man lang takot ang mga babaeng iyon na i-bully siya.

"Ikaw? Bakit kilala ka ni Kuya Sean? Bago ka nanaman ba?"

Kumunot ang noo ko, "Huh?"

"I mean bagong girlfriend?"

I chuckled a bit because of that, hindi ako nagkamali sa reputasyon ni Sean sa university na ito. And it's as if it's not new to people that he changes his girls frequently.

"I'm not his girlfriend. We're classmates and we were paired to do a project. And he just left with a girl, baka iyon ang girlfriend niya?"

Umiling ito, "Si Ate Samantha iyon, bestfriend niya."

Bestfriend, really? He's a playboy, I don't buy that.

"Uhm.. I'm Coleen by the way. Ikaw ate? Anong pangalan mo?" She suddenly looks expectant.

"I'm Nicaseane.."

She smiled at me. "Nice to meet you Ate Nica!"

Ever since that day, Coleen started tagging along with me. Kapag nakikita ako sa hallway ay agad na lumalapit, she smiles at me in a very friendly way, at sumasabay sa akin tuwing lunch.

I gained friends too, kaunti lang pero nakuntento na ako roon. And I've fallen for Sean Park, and got brokenhearted because of a man, for the very first time.

"I told you Ate, he's not someone who's gonna date you for a long time. Alam mo naman 'yon diba?" Coleen joined me as I cry my heart out for being dumped for the first time.

Umiling ako. I really liked him. He's a playboy but his intentions were real. He knew about my weaknesses even when I couldn't tell him, he knew something happened to me in the past and he respected the fact that I couldn't say it.

But he also admitted that he purposely dated me so he can get even. Weeks ago I confronted Samantha because I was crazily jealous of them. Everyone hated her for what I did and Sean was mad because of that. He dated me and tried to hurt me but he admitted he couldn't do it anymore. That day he ended our relationship, which was all a lie to him.

"You played with my feelings?" I couldn't believe it.

This is my first time to like someone and I got played. I don't know how to describe the pain.

He nodded, but then shook his head. He looks frustrated.

"Listen Nicaseane, it was a plan, I dated you because I wanted to get even. But it all changed when I started to realize who you really are. Maniwala ka sa akin, pinagsisihan kong nasaktan kita. You don't deserve this. I know you've been through hell and I feel so bad for doing this to you."

My tears just won't stop falling. Alam ko ring nagkamali ako, I knew all along that he's a playboy, pero hinayaan kong mahulog ako sa kaniya. This is my fault, for giving in that easy, for letting my guards down.

"You did that because of Samantha, right?"

He couldn't answer.

"I was right, from the very start. You love your bestfriend, you love her so much you can even hurt other people for her."

He shook his head, "She didn't ask me to do this."

I smiled, "It's okay. It's painful but I think I'll get over it. Ganoon naman lagi, kailangan kong mag-move on."

He looked at me with sad eyes. Nararamdaman kong gusto niya akong yakapin pero pinigilan niya ang sarili.

"Nicaseane I'm really sorry. I want you to know that even after what happened, I am your friend. Nandito ako, tawagan mo ako kapag kailangan mo ako."

**