Irreparable Damage

 Karel

  I stood long on the doorway, counting my breaths. It's been ten minutes since I came and I couldn't go in. Not yet. My hands hovered around the door knob. My breathing went louder with each second. 

 Coach had told me to apologise to Ferdi. Just like that. I should apologise for what I don't even know about. ‘And ‘maybe’ he was going to give you back your position’

  I'd laughed dry at the coach but now I wasn't even smiling anymore. 

 This was for soccer. Nothing else. 

  With one deep breath I walked in. Ferdi sat across his table, scribbling things on his paper. He turned when he noticed me, and I swore I did a mind check for not running away. His lips curled up a bit. I unconsciously bit my lips. “I came to apologise,” My voice didn't betray me. Thank goodness. 

 His lazy lashes swept past me to the door, then back to me again. I cursed out. Now I'm invisible, after all my warmups to stand in front of him. 

 “Then do it.” His voice came out cutting, cold liquid ran down my spine. 

 “I'm sorry,” I muttered, not batting an eye.  

 Ferdi scoffed, then a chuckle slipped out. “That isn't an apology, vice.” 

 “What am I apologising for, exactly?” I snapped, his annoying smirk still plastered on his perfect face. “You're just another bastard who wants control.”

 His gaze hardened, he stood and came at me, I should have moved back but I stood there watching the anger in his eyes. “You don't know what you should apologise for? Should I tell you?” His cold voice could shatter glass. My chest tightened at the hate in his eyes. 

 “I'm not gonna apologise, because you told me to. I'll do it only to get back my position.” I came forward to him, not minding our height differences. “That's how much I despise you. What's your punishment? I know you won't forgive me even though I lick the whole school clean.” I breathed out. His gaze didn't change. 

 “Kneel,”

 “What?”

 He strolled back to his chair, now facing me. “Crawl to me.” His voice went flat on the surface, his eyes dark like sin. 

 My throat went dry all of a sudden, did I say something to hurt him? Why is he looking like he'd kill me? I looked behind me, the door was shut, he'd locked it when he came to me. Kneel in front of him. That should have been one of my dreams before, but now? I dreaded it. Dreaded that he looked at me like I was some raccoon in his old deck. 

  I shook my head, not once, repeatedly like it would wake me up from my dream. It didn't. “I'm not kneeling.” I didn't know how I said that but it sure as hell came out that way. 

 His gaze did that dance on my face again, then he stood up, went to the window at the other corner, his back to me. “Crawl, and stop staring at me like that.” The wind blew his opened jacket and his hair, hands shoved in pocket. 

 I would have turned and walked out that door. Would have told him to go to hell. But instead my knee hit the tiles, sending a jolting pain through my spine. It didn't hurt more than the pull in my chest. It's all for the game Karel. No one would order you around like this. I crawled up to him, each drag reminded me that I'm an ass, and he's a bastard. 

  There was an amusement in his smirk, his hooded eyes never left my face. I lowered my eyes to the floor in front of him and he bent with one knee, raising my jaw to meet his eyes. I pried his hands off, I felt my eyes burn, not from tears, but from the urge to punch him. 

  “Good boy,” he patted my head and I shoved his hands away. 

 “Don't touch me.” I said quietly. He chuckled lightly. “Now you just gained access to make the deal with me.”

 “What?” Disbelief clouded my face. So I apologised so I could be his pawn in his shitty game? I thought it was for the match but all this for… Sighing felt difficult. 

 “What?” Ferdi shrugged. “You think this cheap thing you did here would match any fuck? I told you I want to fuck you. So I made a deal– fuck me and I'll give you a match.”

 He even called my kneeling cheap, like I hadn't cursed his name and all his ancestors. 

 I don't know, but the way he'd said it made my thighs clench.

 My body shook with need, every part of me wanted to scream, fuck him and slap him at the same time.

  “So what's your play, vice. I'm still taking it easy.”

 What part of this is easy? Me holding my thighs together or him staring at me like I was his meal? My jaw tightened at the heat rising, fuck pride. I stood abruptly. 

 “You want to use me right?” I grabbed his collar. “Fucking use me. Fuck me till I forget what your name is.” 

 Ferdi raised a perfect brow. I peeled my shirt off my body. I couldn't care anymore, “Do what you want to me, captain. Just do it.” I screamed. 

 Ferdi's eyes travelled around my whole body, his eyes so unreadable. My chest rose and fell unevenly, then his eyes came back to my face. He took a reluctant step to me, I felt his hands up my neck like he was checking damages on his goods. I should have pushed him off but something about his perfume made me stay. But his last word made the remaining thing  I've got pieced together shatter. The heat in my skin turned cold.

 His hands froze. His eyes glued to my skin. 

 For a second, I forgot how to breathe. The room became painfully quiet. My eyes dropped to where his eyes were on my scars. 

 What I've pretended I didn't see for years. Suddenly it became clear as day. I could see a single one.

 “I don't like scars,"