3: A Pain in my heart

My heart kept on pounding against my ribcage like a crazy prisoner that wanted freedom. 

For the first time since I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, I have never felt real pain like what I was feeling. 

The agony of seeing Bilen on the floor, his arms spread out and one of his legs twisted in an unholy angle and his eyes wide open and devoid of life while thick crimson blood pooled beneath his head, made me so angry to the extent that tears began rolling my cheek.

The metallic smell of the blood mixed with exhaust of cars filled my nostrils. Without thinking, I crashed down beside Bilen and cradled his head on my laps as tears streamed down my face. I blocked out the panic and shouts around me, while I begged Bilen to wake up and stop this unnecessary prank.

I slapped his cheek with what little strength I had in me. I could not believe what was happening right now and it all felt like my fault. 

"Bilen, please wake up let's go home," I cried, cradling him as he stared at me with his eyes wide open.

There was no response from him, not even a blink of his eyes. He must have been scared and in a lot of anguish while he fell. I looked up at where people claimed he fell and saw that balcony was really high and someone…must have seen something.

It was as if Bilen was already dead before I came to meet him and as soon as the paramedics arrived, I was pushed aside and I watched as they put him inside a body bag like a fucking Christmas present. Another scream escaped my lungs when my brother was wheeled away into the ambulance and the cops cleared everyone out and taped the scene.

I stood alone in the crowd, watching the red and blue lights of the ambulance reflect everywhere. Words failed me and the only thing that was in my mouth was my brother's name. "Bilen." Just then it occurred to me that Bilen did not come alone to this party, just to wound up dead.

I pushed around the dispersing crowd, trying to find my nemesis and it was as if I was lost in a sea of confusion. "Orion!" I screamed his pathetic name, anger seeping through my bones like a volcano that was about to erupt.

It was not even my fault Bilen fell to his death. He did not even know that I was in the party and I hadn't seen him. He came here with Orion, that bastard and now, my brother was on his way to the morgue, while Orion was God knows where.

"Orion!!" I shouted one more time, hoping he would pop out and surrender himself to me.

A female officer approached me with a sad smile. "Ma'am, you need to leave this place, this is a crime scene." She directed me outside the tape and I just wanted to push her away.

I shook my head, trying to conceal my pain. "I need to find Orion." It was none of my business if she knew who he was or not. I just wanted to find him and beat the hell out of him for allowing Bilen to fall.

"Orion Blackwood? He has been taken in for questioning. Is he your family?" God forbid bad thing.

I shook my head. "My brother was the victim. I just need to find Orion."

"Ma'am, I am seriously sorry for your loss, but you need to leave so as not to taint the crime scene," she said, touching my shoulder.

I shrugged her hand off me, my eyes turning to slits. "Don't touch me. I will stay here and wait for Orion."

"Then I'll have to arrest you."

Bilen's blood wouldn't be the only one spilled on the floor tonight.

There was nothing to tell my grandparents when I get home, that is if they have not heard the news already and I'll have so much explaining to do even though I was not there when it happened.

"Was it suicide or murder?" I questioned the officer, trying to calm myself down and save my energy for Orion.

"It is inconclusive at the moment," the officer answered, guiding me to a sitting area that was filled with people. 

I had nothing else to say except whoever caused Bilen's death would pay blood for blood and I don't care if I reach my downfall.

From where I sat, I watched people run helter skelter like sheep without shepherds. A thousand and one thoughts were running through my mind like horses left to race in a rodeo. I wanted to find something to do before I go home and tell my grandparents that Bilen…was no more.

No one paid attention to me because I was kind of invisible. For so long, I have been hiding in the shadows of Bilen and now that he was now a memory of shadow and dust, this is time for me to step up and give him eternal rest.

"My God, Zamani!" I whipped my head to the voice and wondered who really knew me as to call my name sympathetically. Not surprising, the person I have been looking for staggered towards me.

It was hard to control my anger and the moment Orion got to me, I jolted up and pounced on him like a mad woman, slapping his perfectly shaped face. He did not even stop me, he just stood and watched as I kept on slapping him. Fresh set of tears rolled down my face and it was all Orion's fault. I grabbed him by the collar and now, people were gathering.

"Where were you?" I screamed at him. Orion shook his head, as tears streaked down his face. I was hurt all over again. "Why were you not with Bilen?"

Orion stared at me with those piercing green eyes that I seem to hate. He was perfect in all sense and was the world's definition of normal, while I was a freak. "Zamani," he whispered, holding my wrists. "I'm sorry, Zam."

"Why did you leave, Bilen? You should have been the one to fall," I screamed at the top of my voice. Orion deserved to be in Bilen's position and it angered me that he was here, holding me like we were friends and we didn't have our differences.

"I'm sorry, Zam," he said, as he wrapped his arms around me, giving me warmth in this cold night. "I'm sorry about Bilen."

My creature purred at the closeness of Orion and there was a tug in my heart that dragged the iron bars of toxicity and threatened to tear it apart. I was beginning to fall into a stupid trance and comfort that seemed to come with Orion whenever he was around me.

I hated him with every inch of me, however, he had an effect on my inner creature that longed for him. It was that creature that called out for him, while I wanted to kill him here and now.

"Let's get you home, Zam."