4: Time in memorium

I was empty, sad and upset.

Everyone who knew Bilen were on black and my mind was as black as night because I tried so hard to feel fine, but there was a hole drilling in my mind and it needed to be filled with something, even if it costed me to raise hell and watch the world burn.

Seeing my grandparents in turmoil unequivocally broke my heart because no matter how old they were, they loved Bilen more than anything in the world. I also loved my brother even though there are times I wanted to wipe his smile off.

My head was heavy and throbbing like I have been hit by a thousand pounds linebacker and my heart was bleeding the color black like the exact color of dress I was wearing. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to send the thoughts that were gathered, away, but it proved abortive. I have never felt a great unrest like this before and I am stuck with a gnarly inkling that whoever murdered Bilen was closer to me, lurking in the shadows.

Stepping into the church triggered a lot of emotions and self doubt and I felt so guilty and pained for abandoning Bilen. I should never have trusted his safety with Orion, because both of them were so reckless and careless as old as they were.

My grip on Orion tightened, as tears seemed to spill from my eyes. I could not even bring myself to face my grandparents because I was so ashamed and the idea of Bilen committing suicide might have sunken down their mind and there was no way I could induce that he was murdered.

Why did he give in to the party? And why was Orion not with him? Who could have pushed my brother?

Bilen has always been there for me, especially when our parents died in a ghastly accident, he became available to me, mentally, physically and emotionally and he taught me how to connect with my feelings. But because of how selfish I have been, I left him all alone while he was fighting for his life.

I am a very bad sister.

"Zamani, are you okay?" Orion asked in a low whisper, impeding my train of thoughts.

I don't know why I held him as support when I hated him, but don't let anyone lie to you, grief would twist your mind and make you do things you don't want to do. I sniffled and shook my head. I am not okay, if only he could see the havoc in my heart. I was shattered into a million pieces and I didn't know what or how to feel anymore. I would never be okay or feel better in my life again.

The only word cluttering in my mind was revenge. There was this urge gnarling inside of me to avenge Bilen because whoever evicted him lethally from this world will never be exonerated and I don't care how bad it would destroy me. I am already damaged and this is my promise to Bilen.

"Do you want to see Bilen one last time?" Orion asked, sucking a breath. I feared that he might break down and I would be forced to fight him here.

I nodded. I could not comprehend words at the moment. I feared that I might have lost my organ of speech. I was scared that if I open my mouth to talk, I’d spew out lies and false confession. I would also blame Orion for everything that happened and give my dark side credibility.

I allowed Orion lead me to the altar where Bilen laid peacefully in a sleek black coffin that was covered in roses and daffodils. He hated flowers and was allergic to them. I wished he could just sneeze from the allergies and smile to me once again.

Bilen was at peace and it pierced my soul. Before I knew it, I broke down in sobs, clinging to Orion like a lifeline. His hands went over my back as he held me like a fragile little thing that could break if he lets go.

"Hail and farewell, my friend," Orion murmured, his words laced with pain and despair.

The cemetery was packed with people as Bilen's coffin was about to be lowered into the ground. The usual burial ceremony speech went by a blur and I paid no attention to whatever was happening. I just wanted to go home and wallow in self pity.

Another round of singing and prayer resumed and I could not hide my emotions anymore. The cold façade I always wore like armor suddenly shattered as Bilen's coffin made a loud thud on the ground. I had to throw my sand and daffodils on his coffin as I walked away from the crowd and everything I have ever known.

I had to leave without saying my proper goodbyes to my grandparents because I never wanted them to get hurt again.