Midnight Smiles

It has been quite a long time since the last time Jake Caley had a good night's sleep. Hell, even a good nap had become a myth to him. Every day found this young man already awake, with wide open bloodshot eyes, for he never actually fell asleep.

As one more night came and went just like that, Jake sighed in his heart and closed his eyes.

Today it's her anniversary...

Those four words tired him even more than the long sleepless nights. Jake didn't want to get up, didn't want to lie down. He didn't want to stay awake anymore, nor did he want to sleep. Hell no, sleeping was out of the question. Still, with a headache that seemed to split his head open, Jake closed his eyes. His brows were furrowed and the corners of his mouth were lowered in a frown that never left his face whenever he was alone in the quietness of his room.

The turquoise-colored eyes burned as if begging for sleep even if it lasted as long as a wink. Yet Jake refused to sleep. However, he knew for sure that today... today won't be a good day.

Sure enough, Jeremy, his friend... his only friend, knocked on the door. Without even waiting for an answer, he walked inside the dark room with a tray filled with food. Jeremy placed the tray on the desk that was currently used as sleeping space by dear Jake and walked to the window to push open the curtains. The moment the sunlight entered the room, a miserable, almost animalistic groan came from Jake.

"What the fuck?!! Turn it off. Turn it off!!! I'm blind!"

Jeremy rolled his eyes, but today he didn't dare upset Jake. "Stop being such a whiny bitch. Eat your breakfast."

Jake opened his eyes and glanced at the tray right in front of his nose. The rich smell of orange juice, toast, and scrambled eggs assaulted his nostrils the moment the tray was placed on the desk. Yet it failed to arouse any desire to eat. Even worse, after Jake saw the food in front of him, he felt even less like eating.

"I want coffee."

"You have to eat something first."

"I want coffee," Jake repeated like the three-year-old baby he was.

"You're going to destroy your stomach like that!" Jeremy was getting irritated, his "daddy" side coming out. Even though Jake was twenty years old and logically speaking he should be able to take care of himself, ever since then Jeremy had taken under his care this three-year-old baby in the body of a grown-ass man, feeding and taking care of him just like he did with his own daughter. The sad part of all this was that both of them, Jake and Jeremy, were the same age.

"I still want coffee though." Jake closed his eyes, and as if his body had suddenly turned into a mass of slime, he slowly fell on the floor and lay down there as if he was dead.

Jeremy rolled his eyes one more time and walked out of the room. As the door closed, Jake wondered whether he went to get his cute little Leah ready for kindergarten or to make him his coffee. Probably the former.

Coming to the realization that the coffee wasn't going to make itself, Jake sighed once more and finally stood up. His tired, lazily opened eyes looked around the room for his headphones, completely ignoring the miserable state the room was in. Just the sight of it could scare anyone out of it. Even Jake. He didn't like the horrible mess his room was in, but he just couldn't bring himself to clean it. He just simply couldn't.

There were all sorts of things all over the place. The carpet was almost hidden under the pile of clothes and books and endless sheets of paper, scattered all over the floor. And that bit of it that was actually visible was unfortunately dyed with the paint Jake accidentally spilled and sprinkled while painting last night. If his father coincidentally walked inside, Jake knew for sure he would be in big trouble.

The bed, that was there more like a decoration or at most being used like the desk that had stolen its job, had on top of it tangled sheets and books and the laptop that looked like it had been through hell by the way Jake kept throwing it carelessly in any possible corner of the room. It wouldn't be much of a surprise even if the laptop was found in the bathroom. Actually... the bathroom was the place where it was most frequently found, for Jake Caley, who had become a well-known writer, loved to find inspiration in his bathtub while fully clothed and looking like the epitome of depression.

Finally, finding the headphones behind some half-finished paintings that were leaning against the wall, Jake plugged them into his phone and walked out of his room only after the music started to play.

Since the headache seemed to be worse than usual today, Jake didn't dare to listen to the usually angsty music with singers screaming and roaring their guts out, loud enough to burst his eardrums. Instead, he listened to some waltz music.

Maybe it is because of the lack of sleep or maybe because Jake was just like that, he started to hum along with the music, dancing the waltz while walking through the hall and down the stairs.

When Aiden, his younger brother, walked out of his room to only be met with this sight, he didn't know how to feel for this idiot of a brother was dancing waltz... he wasn't even dancing the male's part. He had taken the female's position.

Seeing this, Aiden snorted and didn't want to see such abnormal behavior anymore. He ignored Jake and walked to the bathroom.

Still humming, Jake walked into the kitchen, but by the time he reached the coffee machine, all power suddenly evaporated in thin air, the sweet music of the waltz suddenly sounded sad, and it felt like it was licking the wounds in his soul. Not even bothering to make the coffee anymore, Jake simply sat on the counter, arms folded, and his chin resting on top of them as he stared at the coffee machine unblinkingly.

He felt like crying, his eyes covered by a glossy curtain of tears, but no tear rolled down his face.

When Aiden came downstairs and saw Jake like this, he once more rolled his eyes, feeling slightly annoyed. It was quite irritating to deal with Jake's mood swings. He would be a complete idiot one moment and all depressed the other.

"Dad went to her grave early in the morning. You can go there yourself." Aiden said while toasting his bread. His eyes didn't fall upon Jake anymore lest he got further annoyed.

Jake took off one of the headphones and looked at his younger brother. The two of them looked alike and it would be the case even more if Jake ate and slept more. However, he didn't. Compared to his younger brother who was tall and strong with broad shoulders, Jake was shorter and considerably thinner. The dirty blonde hair that was supposed to look the same on both of them, on his head the color had turned to a grayish brown that Jake despised. So unsightly...

"Aren't you going?"

Aiden shrugged as if they were talking about going to the supermarket. "I don't know. I will think about it."

The corner of Jake's mouth lowered even more. What is there to think about!! Is this something you have to think about?!! "It's her anniversary, don't you..." Jake started to say, but before he could finish, Aiden interrupted him.

"Mind your own business." Dropping those four words, Aiden walked out of the kitchen. Not long after that, Jake heard the front door as his brother left for school.

On this day two years ago, Mrs. Caley died. It wasn't anything too tragic like a car accident or plane crash, suicide, or fighting cancer. It was a death that looked so pointless. Maybe that's why the Caley family couldn't accept such death. Everything was fine. It was so extremely ordinary and happy until it wasn't so anymore.

Clara Caley had slipped in the shower after she came back from work and had hit her head. It was quite a blow, but she thought it wasn't anything important, ignoring it. Back then Jake was the only one home. His father was working late, and Aiden was at a friend's house. Clara had lied down for a quick nap, telling Jake to wake her up after an hour, yet she died in her sleep. When Jake went to wake her up, he couldn't. No matter how much he called her, how much he shook her, how much he screamed and cried, Clara Caley wouldn't wake up.

This had left a big impact on Jake. After that day, he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. He couldn't fall asleep, and even when he somehow managed to, he would have nightmares. Nothing he ate tasted like anything. It was like eating cardboard. Only coffee could comfort him, warm him up inside, bring him some energy, and help him stay away from those horrible nightmares.

"I can drive you there." Jeremy's voice came from the kitchen door. Jake turned around to look at Jeremy, but before he had the chance, a small figure that barely reached his knees jumped on him like a wild kitten, yelling his name. Well... his "name".

"Jay!!!"

"Leah!" Jake called out as enthusiastically as the little girl, hugging her tight.

"Quick, gimme a good luck kiss. Hurry, hurry, hurry. I'm late." Leah wouldn't stop bouncing up and down in Jake's arms. Her tiny arms were wrapped around Jake's neck and her small lips planted tiny kisses on Jake's face. "I will give you good luck kisses too."

The tired eyes of Jake softened as a small smile barely lifted the corner of his lips. Hugging Leah tighter, he loudly planted a big kiss on her rosy cheek.

"MWAH! There. I gave enough good luck for the whole day."

Leah giggled and jumped out of his embrace. "Daddy, let's go. Hurry, hurry, hurry." She grabbed Jeremy's hand and pulled him towards the front door.

"Wait until I drop her off at kindergarten and..." Jeremy started to say.

"I want to go for a walk." Jake interrupted him, the meaning behind that was loud and clear. I want to be alone.

Jeremy cast one last worried look at him before nodding and leaving the house with Leah.

Only after the whole house fell into a silence that was broken by the soft waltz music still coming from his headphones, did Jake stand up and go back to his room, completely forgetting about the reason why he came downstairs in the first place.

It was almost noon by the time Jake finally managed to put on his best clothes, which were basically a pair of jeans and a dark hoodie, and walk out of the house. He had taken some Advil for his headache and the medicine prescribed by his psychologist Dr. Natalie for his depression before going out. With headphones blasting loudly rock music, he walked down the streets as if he had no destination.

By the time he reached the graveyard, it was already getting dark. There weren't many people out there. The place was overtaken by calming silence, and from now and then one could hear a few birds chirping in the nearby trees. The grass on the ground had already started to lose its green color, turning slightly yellow.

Leaning against Clara's grave was a bouquet with flowers, tiny blue Forget-me-nots, her favorite flower. Undoubtedly it was his father's, Mathew, deed who had visited the grave earlier today.

Jake didn't say anything nor did he have any desire to. It's not like talking to the grave would make him feel as if talking to his mother. He knew she was gone and what lay underneath was nothing but a soulless body that was slowly disappearing with time.

Jake simply sat down in front of the grave and stared at it. Deep in his being, he could feel a dark hole that wanted to eat him whole, to make him feel more pain and despair. It was this that made him feel so empty and it was this that fed his depression daily. There was simply no escape from the grief and pain he felt.

The only thing Jake could do was breathe, even though breathing hurt. Live, even though he felt like there was nothing worth living for.

Without noticing it, the tears that he had been holding this whole time suddenly fell. The crystal clear tears rolled down his cheeks and fell on the yellowish grass, breaking on the blades of grass and splattering around.

His eyes fell on the tiny blue flowers once more.

Jake bit his lip and then let out a trembling sigh. "I'm in pain." He said to no one for there was no one there to listen to him. "I miss her..."

It was already late in the night when Jake exited the graveyard, making his way home, head hung low and face covered by his hood. However, ever since he stepped out of that place, his hand that was stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie kept fidgeting with a small plastic bag with some small round pills. Fidgeting and fidgeting but never daring to put that pill in his mouth.

Yet he was so tired. So hurt. So hopeless. Jake was exhausted from all this. He wanted to sleep. A long sleep with no nightmares. No matter what medicine Natalie prescribed him, nothing worked against his nightmares. Just like evil demons haunting him, they would never leave him at peace. Only the drugs in that tiny plastic bag could give him a way out, even if it was only for a few hours. That was fine too. Only a few hours were fine. Jake would take whatever he could.

Only thinking about another sleepless night gave him a headache. It has already been more than a week since he last fell asleep. Even if he wanted to stay asleep one more night, he couldn't. His body would simply collapse. Thinking this, with tears that yet had to stop, he took out one of the pills from the plastic bag and swallowed it.

As the drug still needed time to take effect, the turmoil Jake was feeling in his heart overwhelmed him. He kept scolding himself. How would Clara feel if she knew her son, her cheerful, smart, and lovely son, had become this useless, broken being that dropped out of school and found salvation in drugs? Scolding himself, criticizing himself, but yet feeling wronged... what else could he do? He was scared to sleep! What if he died just like his mother? It was too illogical, he knew. He understood that, but it's not like Jake had any control over the fear that took over him.

He wanted his old life back. He wanted to go back to those blissful days when his biggest problems were taking care of his little brother who had just gotten into high school and how to make that freshman girl he had a crush on like him back.

Maybe it was the drug's fault that had started to take effect or maybe it was simply because of unspoken thoughts and deep desires and resentments, but as he walked down the streets in the middle of the night, crying his heart out for all the wrongs in his life and for being such a disappointment to his mother, Jake suddenly found himself in a road that he had years of not walking down. A familiar yet foreign place... It was the backyard of a house that wasn't his. The place was lit by small lights and noises of someone working came from over the fence. Not thinking twice, for God knows what reason, Jake jumped over the fence.

Only when his body heavily fell to the ground, did he understand what he had just done.

Great. Now he's a burglar too.

How much more of a disappointment can he be?

The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. Just like that, as if all that had happened wasn't enough, Jake found himself in someone else's backyard, crying his heart out. Shoulders shaking violently as he sobbed, that dark hole in his chest felt as if it was eating him up from the inside bit by bit.

"I'm sorry." His voice broke. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." He bit his lip not knowing to whom he was apologizing. To the owner of the house? To his mother? To himself?

Suddenly a voice broke the silence around Jake. A soft, familiar voice that he hadn't heard in years that made his heart tremble violently. "Are you okay?"

It startled him and sobered him up. The violent sobs and tears that had no end came abruptly to a stop that almost choked him. Jake sat up, his head hung low, and knees brought to his chest. His hands covered his face as he tried to think clearly.

Why was he here? How did he end up here? Trying to make sense of the situation, he finally realized that the place he had fallen into was a dark corner of the backyard. So she hasn't seen my face, right? Will she call the police?

Thinking of this, Jake shook his head. No, no. She can't. I... I have to leave... before she does anything. However, Jake was someone who hadn't slept for several days in a row, and what's worse, he hadn't put absolutely anything in his mouth today. Even though he still wasn't hungry and had no appetite, Jake was thirsty...

Embarrassed, with wet cheeks that were flushed red, Jake spoke in a hoarse voice. "Can... can you give me some water? Please?"

Fucking hell!!! I broke into her house. HER house... and as if that wasn't enough, I'm even asking her for water. What the fuck Jake? Thinking of who the girl was made him feel even more embarrassed.

This was Ryder. Ryder Quinn!!! The freshmen he once had a crush on!! He hadn't said two words to her when he was in school, and after two years, he just breaks into her house and asks for water after crying like a fool? What the fuck is wrong with me!!!!

Sure enough, Ryder answered in a voice that couldn't hide her fear. "Will you leave afterward?"

Jake nodded.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Ryder grabbing a bottle of water from a table. Only then did he notice that the backyard looked more like a junkyard than anything. There were all sorts of things around, yet he didn't care to observe anything, but the girl in front of him who tossed the half-full bottle to him.

Looking at her, the only thing Jake could think about was only one sentence:

She cut her hair...

Jake took the bottle in his hands and brought it to his lips, drinking like he had never tasted water in his life before. When the bottle was empty, Jake rolled it back at Ryder's feet and stood up. He dusted off his clothes and, anxiously making sure his hood hid his face, he spoke to Ryder once more. "I'm sorry for scaring you. I better get going." Before you call the police, he wanted to add but didn't lest he gave her any ideas or reminded her of such an obvious thing Ryder should have done. Just as he was about to jump over the fence, something stopped him. It was a desire, a mischievous, selfish desire that he hadn't felt in years. The desire of a young man who wanted to leave an impression on the girl he likes, even though Jake's feelings for Ryder had gathered dust since long ago. Yet he wanted her to know that he wasn't just some random drugged guy...

Without thinking of the consequences, Jake threw another sentence at Ryder, his tone soft and warm, carrying a hint of a smile.

"Thank you for helping me, Ryder."