12. Rayray

Atalanta’s pov

“What are you doing?” Suzie asked, making me flinch. I put my head down, ready to be scolded.

“Lana… why are you cleaning our room?”

I slowly looked up to find her staring at me with an expression that looked a lot like concern. However, I had no clue what to respond. Why wouldn’t I clean the room?

Suzie came closer, “the first time it happened I just figured you were being nice. But I can clean my own stuff, Atalanta. It’s not your job to tidy my side or clean the room from top to bottom every day.”

“It isn’t?” I asked surprised. It has always been my job to clean everyone’s mess.

“No. I am responsible for the mess I made. And in this case, it might have looked like a mess to you, but there was a system to the madness.” Suzie explained. Her whole desk had been covered in random papers, not an inch left of desk. So I had placed them all on a pile, before cleaning her desk.

The concept of everyone being responsible for their own mess was foreign to me. From a young age it had been my job to keep the house clean and do whatever else was necessary for my parents and Asher to their jobs. It was my contribution to the household, since I couldn’t contribute in any other way. I am not smart, skilled in hunting or good at anything else, really.

How else would I be able to show Suzie I appreciated the way she’s been looking out for me?

“I’m sorry…” I said, unsure of what else to say. If I did something wrong, I needed to apologize, even if I didn’t fully grasp why.

“Don’t apologize, Lana… Just… I’ll clean my side and you yours, okay?”

I nodded my head, but the pit in my stomach didn’t disappear. I had done something wrong. I had offended the one person who had been nice to me from the start.

Zev had been really friendly to me too, but that was different. Mostly because when I was around Suzie I didn’t have dirty thoughts. Although, liking a werewolf as a friend is probably not something my hunter family would approve of either.

So maybe it was better Suzie was angry with me. Maybe it was better than I didn’t have friend here and just focused on my mission.

Last night came back to my mind. Raiden had kissed Lisa in front of me and I didn’t know why, but it actually hurt. Which was the wrong thing to feel. Not only had Raiden been very strange and mean at times, he is a werewolf and I am not supposed to feel anything around him.

God! What am I doing? Asher is probably not dealing with any of this nonsense. He has most likely learned a lot already which he can share. Although I haven’t seen him with other people much, he mostly keeps to himself. Which is the opposite of the way he acted back home. Everyone loves him and loves hanging out with him.

I sighed, thinking back to the conversation about my birthday. It was actually my eighteenth birthday next Monday, but in my backstory they had made me one year younger for obvious reasons.

My birthday was never celebrated, while Asher usually got a big party. I always stayed away at those parties, helping out however I could. When I was younger I would be sad when they didn’t acknowledge my birthday. They didn’t even say happy birthday or buy me a cake.

But I learned soon enough that it was better not to expect anything and to see it as just another day. Besides, why would I celebrate the day I was born, since I often wished that day had never happened?

Everyone, including me, thought it was better that I never had been born.

But now, because of General Sweets, I finally felt like I was important.

Not that it was my reason for leaving, that had been for pure selfish reasons. But now that I was here anyway, maybe I could do some good. Prove my worth in another way than being my parents maid and doormat.

I scolded myself internally for disrespecting my parents.

Ever since coming here I had begun feeling anger towards my parents. If even monsters could treat their children fairly, why had I been ignored, beaten and used all these years?

“Lana? We need to go, you don’t want to be late for your favorite love-triangle.” Suzie joked, making me focus on something else than my parents and my bad thoughts.

“Love triangle?”

Suzie giggled, “yeah, you know. You, Raiden and Zev?”

She put her arm in mine and walked out of the room like nothing had happened. Wasn’t she angry anymore?

I followed Suzie. Today I had chosen to wear a big shirt and some shorts. Today we would be having gym class and since I would be forced to wear those leggings and sports bra again, I wanted to be able to hide the rest of the day.

Just one more day, I reminded myself. One more day and it would be Friday and a lot of them would head home for the weekend. At least those that lived close enough. It would be a lot more quiet and I wouldn’t have classes to deal with.

I could catch up on my homework and maybe Zev and Raiden would leave too, giving me some time to be alone. Being social and having conversations with people was still new to me.

Even small talk was hard for me, because I never had the chance to practice it.

The little training I had was mostly to prepare me to deal with werewolves. Maybe because normal people actually know how to do all this stuff that is hard for me?

Last night after dinner I had walked back to the library, leaving another note. I knew it wasn’t necessary, but writing a note was so much easier than having a conversation. There’s so much I don’t understand when talking to these people. There’s so much I’m scared to say or ask.

The one person I have started to feel comfortable around, I have now angered.

When we walked into the cafeteria, Raiden and Zev were sitting at their usual table. They were already eating.

Maybe now that he has Lisa he doesn’t feel the need to buy me food. She’s much better looking than me anyway. A lot smarter too, and she doesn’t have any issues with holding a conversation.

Zev waved at Suzie and I, so Suzie pulled me to their table.

“You started already.” Suzie said.

Without a word Raiden shoved a plate towards me. He then looked at Suzie, “if you complain it will take even longer before you’re able to eat.”

“You want anything else?” Suzie asked me and I shook my head. I didn’t want to owe her money. Money that I didn’t have. It was already bad enough Raiden was spending so much money on me.

I stared at my plate, wondering if I should eat it. That’s what Raiden meant, right? When he pushed the plate towards me he meant to eat. He usually says a lot to me, though.

Raiden growled lowly, motioning the head towards the food and I quickly grabbed a piece of toast and began eating.

While I was eating, I saw Raiden’s eyes dart over to someone behind me. He looked very angry, so I kept my head down, not wanting to be in his line of fire.

“Rayray!” Lisa said, now very close to our table.

Zev laughed, “Rayray?”

“Shut up,” Raiden muttered. He looked at Lisa, “we didn’t plan to meet up.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about last night.” She said, her cheeks turning red. “I wanted to see if you were up for round two?”

What did they do last night and why did it make me feel really uncomfortable?

“No, I’m busy.” Raiden said, not even looking at Lisa.

Pay attention to your food, I told myself. Don’t look up.

But I was too curious to see what Lisa would do.

“Maybe another time,” Lisa said happily. “Can I sit here and we can,-“

“No.” Raiden said. “Those seats are reserved.”

“I can sit on your lap, -“

Once again Raiden cut her off before she could finish her sentence, “leave.”

Lisa quickly turned around and walked off, just as Suzie came to the table with her food.

“What happened with her? She’s usually so cheery. What did you say Raiden?”

Raiden rolled his eyes, “why do you assume it was me?”

“Because Zev is a big old teddybear,” Suzie said, sticking her tongue out.

“It’s not my problem she can’t take a hint. Everyone here knows I don’t do relationships.”

Suzie rolled her eyes and sat down, “still….”

Raiden growled, looking annoyed at my roommate. “No. We fucked, she had a good night and she needs to leave it at that.”

“One and done.” Zev muttered. “Although she’s annoying, you could have handled it better.”

Raiden got up, “little mouse, do you want to add something? Is it gang up on Raiden morning? She got what she wanted, now she should leave me alone. Maybe you should too. I am out of here.”

I looked up at Raiden, not saying a word. What was I supposed to say?

That I felt bad for Lisa? That I didn’t understand most of this conversation. One and done? What does that mean?

That I didn’t like hearing any of this conversation, because for some reason it hurt my chest and made it hard to breathe?

No. I couldn’t say any of that.

Raiden stormed off, leaving me with Zev and Suzie who started to talk together about his mood.

“He’s usually happy after a night like that.” Zev said.

“Maybe she wasn’t any good?”

Zev nodded, “maybe.”

I quickly ate as much as I could and cleaned up my plate and excused myself. The library called me. It was one of the only quiet places before class began.

As soon as I entered I noticed a note hanging on the side. Why was this stranger so nice to me? Why write me another note? Was he or she lonely too?

While I couldn’t answer all of their questions truthfully, I felt I owed it to be as honest as I could be in my note back. Maybe it wasn’t a note anymore, these were becoming more like letters.

“Hi kind stranger, I am surprised to see another letter from you. Thank you so much for responding.

It’s only fair I answer your questions, since you were so open with me.

I am a new student and I feel really out of place here. I’m not like the others.

My mother never wanted a daughter and after my brother was born it became even more clear that I was, or am, not wanted. Sadly this feeling is true for the entire family. Sometimes I wonder if they’re right. No that’s a lie. Most of the time I think they’re right, only some of the times I think I am worthy and capable of more.

You described how darkness doesn’t last, but this far I have seen very little light. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to the darkness that I can’t even recognize the light anymore? Or that the light is too blinding, making me shut my eyes and making me unable to see? Or is that a bad metaphor? I am not very smart or can write as well as you can.

Thank you once again for your letter.

I hope that someday you’ll be able to share your pain with someone. Your best friend will be there to listen when you are, I am sure.”

Was that okay? I rewrote it three times, finally just giving up and saying what came to mind. There wasn’t really a reason to be embarrassed or hide my true feelings, because I didn’t know who I was writing with.

I just had to make sure nobody would realize I was the one writing the notes. Thankfully nobody here knew anything about my personal life, so they wouldn’t be able to connect the dots. I hoped.