Prologue

“Go to bed and don’t let me repeat myself,” my father ordered finally.

“I think you’ve punished her enough, Gabriel,” my mother joined softly and turned to me. “You learned your lesson right, mija?”

I nodded eagerly at her, and then lowered my eyes when I turned back to my father. I had been punished to go to my room at six pm every night ever since he caught me eavesdropping on a very sensitive conversation he had been having with my mother. I hadn’t heard much, but what I remembered still didn’t make sense to me, or perhaps I just didn’t want to believe it, but since my father was still angry after two whole weeks, it was probably true.

“I said a month and nothing’s changing my mind. Being lenient with her is what makes her do stupid things like this,” he threw at my mother. “I’ve made myself clear Daniela. Go.”

Like I always did with him, I silently obeyed. This was yet another day where I was reminded of how much a nuisance I was to my dad. Mama had said that wasn’t true, the time I had gathered up courage to tell her how I felt about my father. She had told me he loved me, but he was only a difficult man, so his ways of showing it were somewhat unconventional.

I believed it sometimes, because he always got me the things I needed and most of what I wanted. Other kids didn’t have that privilege so I had to appreciate what my he gave. But sometimes I just wished he’d hold my hand and take me to ice cream dates like my classmates did with their dads, or that he’d just smile at me. I never got that, and I stopped complaining so he didn’t call me greedy again.

I wouldn't lie that it didn't hurt. It did. A lot. It was the same reason I didn’t have any friends. I couldn’t relate with most of the kids in my class or in the neighbourhood. And when I tried, it just left me feeling envious of the thing they had that I didn’t, and I didn’t like that feeling, so I just distanced myself from them most of the time. My mom was really the only person I could freely talk to and I was glad for that.

“Do you think papa would have liked to be around me if I was a boy?” I asked my mother as she walked with me to my room. She stopped abruptly after I spoke and I had to stop too, because she was holding my hand. “It’s like how you and I are, right? If I was a boy, I would’ve been close to him instead, right?”

She bent down and cupped my face in her hands, her long black hair like mine, falling around her as she did. “No, it’s not like that at all. Remove that idea from your mind, alright? We all love you the same. Your gender doesn’t matter, okay?”

I nodded and she smiled. “I’ll go and talk to your dad now. Say your prayers before you sleep, okay?”

I nodded again and then she left.

In my room, I read a couple of books and then stopped when I noticed the sky had gone dark. I walked towards the windows to shut them and draw the curtains, but then decided against it. This was one of the nights, where watching the stars and listening to the outside noises could help me sleep.

As I got into bed and stared at the tiny white lights in the dark sky, I thought of when I was four, when my mom would come to my room almost every night. Then we would climb out of my window, sit on the roof and watch the stars.

One time when we were out on the roof, she taught me how to recite Psalm 23. That night she was sad because my father hadn't come home. She told me to recite that chapter whenever I was sad.

I had always wished my mom had a different husband, but she was happy with my dad, so I had to accept it.

And I also wish I knew I could sleep better without the stars.

Before I could close my eyes, I saw a figure move behind my window. I quickly sat up and looked harder to find out what it was.

It wasn't an it. It was a person.

A talk dark haired boy, probably in his mid-teens, climbed into my room, his eyes roaming around until they landed on me. He looked extremely dishevelled and angry. My confusion was running on a lot of questions, that I sat there motionless as this stranger entered my room.

His stare didn’t leave my face and the confusion switched to fear. I shivered.

“W-who are you?" I stammered.

He only growled and took a step forward.

I pushed myself closer to my headboard. “Get out.”

He smirked. “Don’t waste your words. They could be your last.”

I shook my head, goosebumps forming all over my body. “What do you want?” my lower lip trembled. Why didn’t I just shut the window?

“Well, I’ve been thinking about that for a while. Haven't you already guessed?”

“Get out of my room,” I managed to say more boldly.

“No.” His smile dropped and he removed the distance between us, kneeling beside me on the bed and then he held my wrists together. “You’re all going to pay. I’m going to make them feel the same way I am.”

“What do you want? I haven’t done anything to you,” I whispered, forcing myself not to cry.

“No, you haven’t, but your parents have. Do you think it’s fair that you’re happy while my life gets torn apart? They need to suffer. I want you all to suffer, to go through the same pain I'm feeling through right now.”

“I… don't understand.”

“Don't tell me you don't know.”

“I’ll shout and my father will..."

I didn't even know how to continue that sentence. He didn't even care about me.

“He'll what?” He asked roughly, tightening his hold on my wrists. I winced. “Kill me the same way he killed my parents?” he yelled into my face.

My chest heaved up and down with my rapid breathing as I stared into his hard eyes. Then it started to make sense. The conversation I overheard…

“Did you do it again Gabriel?” She was whispering, but even then, I could hear how much her voice was shaking.

“I’m not talking about it.”

“For God’s sake why aren’t you denying it, Gabriel? This isn’t who you are.”

“If you can’t handle it, don’t ask, woman. This is all for our benefit.”

“How can you even say that. How does murdering people help us in any way?”

“Would you rather have me killed, and you and then our daughter? Tell me how that’s a better situation Leticia!”

“You promised, Gabriel,” my mom cried. “You said it wouldn’t have to happen again.”

“Enough, Letty, enough.”

"Remember now?" the boy asked, his voice laboured.

I let out a sob against my own will. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. I wouldn't wish for anyone to kill my parents, not even my dad. But now he was an orphan, because of my dad, because of me?

I look up at him. More tears well up in my eyes. I was so ashamed of my father. "I'm s-sorry."

“Don't tell me that,” he yelled, shaking me by my arms.

“Please let me go,” I whispered.

“Why?”

“I’m so sorry, please.”

"And you think I care? Your dad ended my parents’ lives. He ended my life. I have absolutely no idea what to do, and you should just roam free?" he spat out through his teeth.

"What do you want?" I repeated, my heart thundering loudly against my chest.

"I want to kill you," he deadpanned and pulled out a pocket knife.

My eyes widened. I shook my head struggling to find my voice. “Y-you… you don’t mean that.

“Shut up.” His voice was trembling now. I looked back at the hand that had the knife. It was shaking.

I gave him a pleading look as more tears slid down my face. “You don’t want to do that.”

He chuckled. “Trust me, it’s what I want more than anything.”

I didn’t waste another second. “Mama,” I screamed.

That took him by surprise. “Shut up,” he ordered again.

“Mama,” I continued. “Ma-”

It was so fast that I didn’t feel the pain.

He cut me. He actually cut me.

I looked down at my left arm, already dizzy from the blood that was flowing freely and rapidly out of the gash around the crook of my elbow. I looked back at him, speechless. He looked shocked, and he was shaking even more than I was.

Before I could take advantage and push him away, I heard loud footsteps approach.

But it was too late. My parents rushed in just in time to see me losing consciousness, and the stranger boy… he was gone. I didn't think he meant to kill me, but the damage was done.

They rushed me to the hospital and were able to replace the blood I lost. Everyone asked who did it to me, but I didn't say a thing. I couldn’t. The thought of it alone gave me panic attacks so I shut my mouth.

After that night, he always came into my dreams. Even though I never saw him again, he kept his promise by never leaving me alone, being my worst nightmare.