My Husband's Shadow

PROLOGUE

Umiiyak ang kalangitan… katulad ko. I tried to wipe my tears away pero hindi ‘yon nauubos sa tindi ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. My heart’s badly broken… at unti-unti na itong sumusuko.

I’m waiting for my husband to come home. I’ve been waiting for him for days already. Hindi na ako makatulog nang maayos kakaisip kung nasaan ba siya at sino ang kasama niya. I clasped my hands and walked back and forth while looking at the clock. It’s already 2 am and I’m still here, desperately hoping that even for once, he’d come home to me.

Ilang oras pa akong naka-upo roon sa sofa na hindi ko na namalayan pa ang oras. Napatayo lang ako nang biglang bumukas ang pinto at bumungad sa akin si Raven. I looked at him from head to toe and I just clenched my jaw because there’s no words coming out from my mouth, ni hindi ko nga alam kung paano magsisimula.

“B-Bakit ngayon ka lang? Anong oras na, nag-alala—”

“Stop with your drama, Archella. ‘Wag kang umarte na para bang nag-aalala ka,” he coldly said as he walked past me. I licked my lower lip before following him.

“Saan ka ba kasi galing? Papatayin mo naman ako sa pag-aalala, e!” Hindi ako tumigil kahit na kita ko na ang kunot sa noo niya. “If you’re going to go home this late, at least text me!”

He chuckled. “Really? You’re worried? Nag-aalala ka na ngayon?”

“Because I’m your wife, Raven!” I tried to reach him but he moved away from me. “Asawa mo ako at normal na mag-alala ako—”

“Oh! Now you’re my wife? Ngayon lang kita naging asawa? Ngayon ka lang nag-alala sa ‘kin? Dahil ano? Dahil dati, iba ang nasa puso at isipan mo—”

“Matagal na ‘yon! How many times do I have to tell you that it’s you now!” Sinubukan ko ang ‘wag umiyak pero sa galit at panlalamig na nakikita ko sakaniya ngayon, hindi ko napigilan ang paglandas ng luha ko.

“Enough with the drama, Archella. I had enough! If you are just doing this para makabawi sa akin, I’m sorry but it’s too late now. I’ve loved you enough and that’s my limit.”

Nilagpasan niya ako at naiwan akong nakatayo roon sa salas. I stayed there for a few minutes before I decided to follow him. Nang makarating sa kwarto namin, nasa banyo na siya at naliligo. I saw his coat on top of the bed. Kinuha ko ‘yon para sana isampay pero natigilan nang may maamoy. I looked at the bathroom door to check before bringing back my gaze on the cloth I am holding. Slowly, I lifted it up to sniff it. I swallowed the lump on my throat when a female scent enveloped my nose. Kinapa ko ang coat niya at tuluyan na akong nanigas sa kinatatayuan nang may makuhang pink na panyo at lipstick sa bulsa no'n.

Wala sa sarili akong napa-upo sa kama habang hawak ang coat ng asawa ko. I stared at the lipstick with no emotion at all. There were no tears coming out of my eyes but when my husband came out of the bathroom, tears started to form.

Our gaze locked and his eyes immediately drifted to his coat. I expected him to panic but it didn’t come. He just walked towards the walk-in closet. Nang lumabas siya ay dumeretso siya sa kabilang parte ng kama at kinuha na ang laptop niya.

“Aren’t you going to tell me why you have a damn lipstick inside your coat? Kanino ‘to?” I asked as I faced him. He didn’t bother looking at me. He just continued with what he was doing. “Answer me, Raven! Kanino ‘to?! This isn’t mine! I don’t use this sha—”

“Bakit kailangang mo pang malaman?” aniya sabay tingin sa akin. Halos manginig ako sa lamig ng tingin niya.

“Did you forget? Asawa mo ako!” I really emphasized those three words for him to realize my position in his life. “A-Are you cheating on me? A-Are you seeing another woman?” I asked as I advanced near him. “Answer me!”

“It is none of your business.”

“It is my business! You can’t do this to me, Raven! We are married!” I cried.

Inalis niya ang laptop sakaniyang kandungan at hinigit ang kumot. “I’m tired. Matutulog na ako.”

“We’re still talking!” Hinigit ko ang kumot niya at tinaas ang coat niya para ipakita sakaniya. “Your coat doesn’t smell like you, Raven. This is not your perfume. Your perfume is manly, strong, and… and not a female perfume.”

“Fine. I was with someone else earlier. Are you satisfied now?” he said heartlessly before covering himself with a comforter. Nanatili akong nakatitig sakaniya, hindi makapaniwala. “Now go to sleep and stop crying behind my back.”

“Napakasama mo…” bulong ko. “Ang sama-sama mo…” I continued as I entered our bathroom.

I looked at myself through the mirror. Niyakap ko ang sarili habang hinahayaan na pumatak ang mga luha na kanina pa gustong kumawala. My tears didn’t stop from falling even after washing my face. Inayos ko ang sarili bago lumabas ng banyo. I even told myself that I can do this, that I can overcome this, and that I can still fix and save this marriage.

“The same order?” the waiter asked me, I nodded.

Nandito ako sa isang café na madalas puntahan ni Raven. Ilang beses ko na siyang nakita rito kaya madalas na rin ako rito para tignan kung sino ang kasama niya. Puro meeting ang inaatupag niya sa lugar niya ‘to kasama ang business partner niya na si Marianne pero iba ngayon… iba ‘to.

“Who are you…” I whispered when Raven stood up to welcome the woman who just entered. She’s wearing a cap and shades kaya hindi ko masyadong makita ang mukha niya.

My hold on the table napkin tightened when they hugged each other. My husband even pulled a chair for her. Nanikip ang dibdib ko nang makita kung paano ngumiti si Raven. ‘Yung ngiti na kahit kailan ay hindi ko pa nakita sakaniya simula nang ikasal kami.

It hurts… It hurts so much.

I didn’t pay attention to my food when it arrived because my gaze just won’t leave my husband and his woman alone. Gusto kong sumugod pero hindi ako ‘yon, hindi ako ganoon.

“Wow… just wow, Raven,” I muttered when Raven left his chair to hug the woman. Mabilis kong kinuha ang bag ko at tumayo. Lalabas na sana ako nang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa. I looked away, not wanting to look weak in front of him.

I walked so fast, scared that Raven will follow and scold me for stalking him. E, anong magagawa ko? Mahal ko ‘yon, e. He is my husband. We are married.

“So, she’s the reason why you suddenly went cold to me. She’s the reason why you’re always coming home late. She’s the reason why you don’t love me anymore. Tama, hindi ba?” walang emosyon kong sabi nang pumasok siya sa kwarto namin. Tinigil ko ang pagsusuklay sa buhok at tinignan siya sa pamamagitan ng salamin. “She’s the reason why?”

“What are you talking about?” he asked without tearing his eyes off me.

“We saw each other earlier. Don’t you dare deny that you didn’t see me because our eyes locked while you were hugging her,” I said. “Nasaan siya ngayon? H-Hinatid mo na ba?” 

“Stop this—”

“Masaya ba siya kasama? Masaya siya kausap? What? She loves your cuddles? Your… Your kisses? Was she better than me?”

“Wala akong panahon para rito,” he answered, obviously avoiding my questions.

“Just answer me. ‘Yon lang ang gusto ko, ‘yon lang ang gusto kong malaman. Okay, it’s clear for me that you love someone else now! Pero gusto kong malaman kung paano siya kasama? Kung paano ka niya napapasaya? A-At kung paano niya nahihigitan ‘yung pagmamahal… ‘yung pagmamahal na binibigay ko sa ‘yo?” I sobbed hard. Sinubukan ko namang pigilan, e. I really tried. “What? Answer me now—“

“Wala akong dapat na sabihin sa ‘yo. ‘Wag mong pakealaman ang buhay ko, Archella. You are out of this,” aniya sa isang matigas na boses. “Don’t use your tears on me, pwede ba? I’m not weak for you anymore! Hindi na ako lalambot sa mga luha mo dahil naubos na ako! Inubos mo na ako!”

“What did I do, Raven?! Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagawa ko for you to act like this! I don’t understand you. I thought we were going to try this out? I thought we were going to save this marriage… but why am I the only one standing?! Why am I the only one who’s fighting?!” Tumayo ako at lumapit sakaniya. I sobbed more as I punched his chest. “You can’t keep hurting me like this, love.”

“I thought that my love for you would never last, but it did… and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He looked down at me with emotionless eyes, gone the love and admiration.

“So… you don’t love me anymore?” Should we end this?

“I don’t want to answer that—“

“Why?! It’s just a simple yes or no! Kung hindi mo na ako mahal, sabihin mo! O hindi mo naman talaga ako minahal?” Tinulak ko ang dibdb niya habang walang tigil sa pagtulo ang luha ko. “’Yon ba? Answer me! Parang awa mo na, sagutin mo ako!”

“Oo, I don’t love you anymore! That’s what you want to hear, right?! That’s it! I’m giving you the answer now!” he yelled and I saw how his eyes glistened with tears. I looked down to lessen the pain I’m feeling, pero nadagdagan lang ‘yon nang mapagtanto ang sinabi niya.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

I stepped back with my eyes still looking at the ground. I wiped my tears away with shaking hands. I just continued stepping back until I bumped into the bed. I fell down and I let myself. Raven’s just standing in front of me like a damn statue.

“Matulog ka na,” sabi ko at tuluyang pinahid ang luha at pinigilan ang pag-iyak. “You’re tired. Take a rest now, Raven.” Tumayo ako at akmang lalagpasan siya nang hawakan niya ang braso ko.

“Where are you going?” tanong niya.

“Just sleep,” I replied as I forced him to let go of me. I walked towards the door and was about to open it when I heard him.

“You will be here when I wake up, Archella. You need to be here when I open my eyes.”

I opened the door and went downstairs. Dumeretso ako sa kusina para maghilamos. He’s so selfish. Paano niya nagagawang saktan ako?

I love him… I love him so much, but do I really have to ignore myself? Do I really have to cry a river whenever he’s coming home late? Do I really have to love him first before myself?

I didn’t sleep beside him and went out. Nung umalis ako para sa trabaho, tulog pa siya. I didn’t bother waking him up like how I used to. Baka dapat ko nang sanayin ang sarili ko na mag-isa lang dahil pakiramdam ko’y malapit na magkaroon ng katapusan ang lahat ng ‘to.

“Ma’am, these are the reports from the sibling company.” My secretary entered. Tumango naman ako at minuwestra sakaniya na iwan nalang ang mga ‘yon sa aking lamesa. Sinunod niya naman ako at pagkatapos ay lumabas na rin siya.

I covered my face with my hands. What should I do now? Should I go to my parents and tell them that I want an annulment? Or should I stay with Raven and try to save this marriage instead?

Mababaliw ako sa kakaisip.

“Ma’am?” My secretary entered again with panic in her voice.

“What is it?” I asked, a bit annoyed.

“Your husband’s downstairs. Hinaharang po ng guards pero nagpupumilit,” aniya at mukhang kabado pa.

I told the guards earlier to not let Raven enter the building. I want him to think that I’m gone and won’t let him see me again. Dahil para saan pa, hindi ba? If hurting my heart is his only way to keep me, then maybe I should give up already because this isn’t the love I dreamt of.

Raven didn’t leave the building. He was just there, waiting for me to come down but I didn’t give him the satisfaction. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nariyan at ano ang dahilan kung bakit nagwawala siya? Hindi ba ito ang gusto niya? Ang malaya siya? Ang wala ako sa buhay niya?

“He just left, Ma’am,” my secretary informed me.

I chuckled at myself. See? He didn’t wait for you enough. He got tired, he lost hope. Kung ganito ang ginagawa mo, paano pa ako hahanap ng rason para manatili sa ‘yo?

“This is not going to work, Archella. Stop hoping,” I said to myself while driving. I’m going to follow Raven. I have his location because that’s what we did when we were still okay as husband and wife. “Kapag nakita mo na naman siyang may kasamang iba, what will you do, huh?” I kept talking to myself because this is the only way I know to distract me from thinking of so many things.

I parked my car not so far away from Raven’s car. Dito ako dinala sa isang condominium. Bago ako pumasok sa parking area, tinanong ko muna ang sarili ko kung may pag-aari ba siya na ganito? I even checked everything, pero wala.

I heaved a deep sigh while comforting myself that this will be fine soon. I swallowed hard and even fixed my hair. I was about to open the door and step out when I saw two familiar built. Ang dapat na pagbaba ko ay hindi na natuloy nang mapagtanto kung sino ‘yon.

I smiled… painfully.

“Love…” I whispered.

I just watched them as Raven pulled the same woman in his arms. He even kissed her forehead and whispered something. I tilted my head to make sure that it is really my husband… and that someone else is in his arms.

Pinanood ko kung paano pagbuksan ni Raven ng pinto ang babae at inalalayan pang pumasok. He looked around first before sliding himself inside the driver’s seat. Nanatili naman ako roon kahit na nakaalis na sila dahil pinoproseso ko pa ang nakita.

That’s him, right? That’s my husband.

When I realized it, I yelled and punched the steering wheel. Tears started to fall like waterfalls. I kept on punching the steering wheel until I saw my phone. With tears in my eyes, I immediately grabbed my phone to call Amara, my friend.

[Hello—]

“I don’t want this marriage anymore! I want out of it!] I yelled while enduring the pain in my heart.

“Okay, okay. Calm down, please? What happened? Where are you?” The panic in Amara’s voice didn’t escape my ear.

I didn’t tell her what happened dahil parang hindi ko kaya. Sinabi ko lang kung nasaan ako at sinundo niya na ako. Iniwan ko ang sasakyan ko roon at tahimik lang na sumakay sa sasakyan niya. I looked outside the window while hugging myself. Ang lamig… sobrang lamig.

Sumama ako kay Amara sakaniyang condo. She didn’t speak, she just let me have my own space to think. Pero ‘yung totoo, hindi ko na kailangan pang pag-isipan ang lahat. I did everything. I gave everything. I loved him too much… sobra-sobra pa sa pagmamahal na binibigay ko sa sarili ko. And I think that’s enough. Tama na.

I looked at my ring finger and tears didn’t fall unbelievably. I just feel pure pity for myself. I don’t feel pain anymore because my heart went stone cold from all the heartbreak I’ve been through. Slowly and calmly, I removed my wedding ring. I shut my eyes tightly, thinking that if I remove this, I will be completely out of his life because I don’t want it anymore… I’m finally giving up after endless tries.

That’s it. I’m walking out of his life now because this is what he wanted in the very first place. This marriage between us should have never happened.

...