My ex-husband’s nightmare

Lydia

In. Out. In. Out.

I forced myself to take breathing exercises, gripping the mop handle tightly as I worked. I stared at my feet, trying to get a hold of myself. The work out boots I was putting on came into view, a harsh reminder of the life I was currently living. I shut my eyes tightly, wanting to block out the harsh reminder of where I was. I opened them almost immediately when the darkness only caused my nausea to heighten. I tried to resume my breathing exercise.

In. Out. In. Out.

It was of no use. The bleach-slick tiles blurred as my knees buckled, and the mop handle slipped from my fingers, clattering loudly against the cold floor. A sickly hum filled my ears, drowning out the prison guards’ muffled orders to get it together. I felt my body lowering and lowering until my head finally hit the ground, my vision a mix of orange and white and black. I had one second to try and steady myself. One second only.

And then there was nothing.

When I came to, the sterile tang of disinfectant bit at my nostrils, my head throbbing like I’d slammed it against a concrete wall. My body felt heavy, anchored to a thin mattress that squeaked beneath me as I stirred. I blinked against the harsh light until a face came into view - a nurse with warm brown eyes and a face lined by years of concern. A nurse I knew all too well from all the gossip in my cell block about her ridiculous kindness.

Gloria.

"Easy now," she said, her voice low and calm. "You're in the prison hospital. You fainted during your shift." I blinked against the bright lighting, fragments of memories piecing themselves together in my head. The prison part of her statement wasn't a surprise. I'd already come to terms with my new life as an inmate long ago. The hospital part however... it snapped me out of my daze a little bit. I had never visited the prison hospital in the three months I'd been here. I did my best to clean up my own mess as much as possible.

Did she say I fainted? I hadn’t eaten much during lunch - what they served barely qualified as food - but I’d felt fine. Well, fine enough for a place like Westgate. My lips parted to respond, but she silenced me with a look. "You need to listen carefully, Lydia," she said, leaning closer. Her voice dropped, conspiratorial. My eyebrows furrowed at the concerned expression on her face, but that was all the reaction I was willing to give. "I ran some tests to figure out why you collapsed."

Ran some tests?

My own suspicions came back in spades and I immediately tensed. Something in her tone set my pulse racing. I gripped the edge of the mattress like it might steady the whirlpool forming in my chest. "You’re three months pregnant." The room stilled. It took a few minutes for me to register her words, and then a few more for me to register it was me she was speaking to. Her announcement hit me like a freight train. Pregnant. Three months. I swallowed hard.

How could I be pregnant?

"No," I whispered, my voice trembling. I shook my head, refusing to accept the results she'd given me of the tests she'd conducted. There was no way I was actually pregnant. I knew I'd been feeling a lot dizzy lately and I'd equally noticed I seemed to run a slight fever in the mornings, but pregnant? And already three months gone? "That… that can’t be right."

Gloria nodded solemnly. "It’s right, Lydia. I double-checked the results myself."

My hands flew to my stomach instinctively, pressing against the threadbare fabric of my uniform. There was nothing there, no sign of the life growing inside me. And yet… my chest tightened as panic clawed its way up my throat. The timing was impossible - or at least improbable - but deep down, I knew the truth. I’d been so careful to block out that night since I'd started my sentence, to suppress the memory of him. When I'd missed my period twice, it had been so easy to write it off as nothing more than a thyroid disorder.

Tears burned behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall in front of Gloria. "Please," I said hoarsely, my voice cracking under the weight of desperation. "You can’t tell anyone. No one can know about this." She stared at me for a moment, her face unreadable. I could have sworn my life flashed before my eyes in that moment. She would let my evil witch of a mother-in-law know, and then they would take my baby from me. A tear slipped down my cheek and I parted my lips, prepared to plead once more.

She nodded then, much to my surprise. "I won’t say a word. But you have to promise me something, Lydia." I stared at her, barely able to breathe. She took my hand in hers, rubbing them affectionately. I could easily see why the other inmates talked about her. She was indeed ridiculously kind. Any other nurse, and they definitely wouldn't have listened to my plea. "Promise me you’ll come back regularly for checkups. No skipping, no excuses." Her tone softened slightly. "You and the baby need to be monitored. Do you understand? I would like to make sure the baby is okay. you figure out what you're going to do now"

I nodded, my response catching in my throat. Gloria sighed and patted my hand gently before stepping away to inform the guards I needed rest. The journey back to my cell felt like I was stuck in some kind of nightmare. The guards flanked me on either side, but I barely registered their presence. My legs moved of their own accord, my mind choosing to remain stuck in that hospital bed, replaying Gloria’s words over and over. Three months pregnant. I didn’t even notice when we reached my cell until the metallic clink of the door shutting jolted me back to reality. I stumbled to the cot, the thin mattress sagging under my weight as I collapsed onto it.

My hands trembled as they hovered over my stomach, and I wondered how I was already three months gone. How could I be carrying a child in there. My stomach was still almost as flat as a washboard. What if my child wasn't growing like it should because I was barely living decently? Another tear slipped from the corner of my eye, tracing a path down my cheek. How could I protect a child in this place? How could I give them anything but fear, hunger, and the suffocating weight of survival?

I curled onto my side, wrapping my arms tightly around myself as though that might shield us both from the cruel world beyond these walls. For the first time in years, I prayed - silent, fervent, desperate - for a miracle. I spread out my fingers in front of me, the wedding band on my middle finger mocking me with the way it shone even in the dim light. Three months ago, my life had almost been perfect. My in-laws had never actually accepted me but it hadn't mattered because I'd still been with the love of my life. The man I'd thought I would spend forever with.

I let the darkness pull me under, the image behind my eyelids of that same man. Only this time he was staring at me with hate and disgust...

As I got dragged away by the police.