Desire and doubt (I)

Tyler's POV

I banged the door of the apartment more than I intended, and the noise reverberated along the silent corridor. It was too early, far too early, for me to leave the bar where I worked but following that message sent by Sarah, I could not hang around wiping down counters and smiling at drunks. 'It's over. Don't call me.' That's all she said.

I took off my shoes and went straight to the fridge and took a beer, hoping to drown my sorrows. The cold bottle was pleasant on my palm, but it did not accomplish anything with the knot in my gut.

'Tyler? That you?' The voice of Jordan from the living room, seated on the couch , his laptop on his lap. 'Dude, you look wrecked. What happened? Shift that bad?'

I unscrewed the top of the beer and made a long gulp, leaning on the counter. 'Worse. Sarah dumped me. Over text. Said it's over and to not call.' The words were bitter, as to make it true. I sat down in the chair at the kitchen table staring at the label coming off the bottle.

Jordan shut his laptop and sat beside me, drawing out another beer to himself. He sat opposite me. 'Shit, man. I'm sorry. She did not even tell you why? That's cold.'

I shook, the frustration surging up. 'Nah. Just that. I have been out of it weeks, you see? Why, am I even in a relationship… what am i doing? Or... anything.' My fingers ran up and down the cold bottle of beer. Jordan was the one man I could spill to without being judged. We have lived together as roommates for two years, so he was more aware of my habits than I was at times.

"And honestly? I don't even know what I want. Women, sure, but... I have been contemplating about guys as well. Like, what if I'm bi? Or something else? Sarah had made me straight as an arrow, but now? I feel lost. Why, why could I not keep her interested? Or is it me?' I continued.

He took a slow nod, and drank some of his beer. 'Man, breakups suck like that. They challenge you on all things. But hey, it's not all on you. Relationships are two-way. And the sexuality thing? That's normal to wonder about. I've been there.' His hand was placed across the table and on my shoulder he gave a strong pat. “Well, it is all right to ask about that stuff. Breakups fuck with your head. You are not the only one to figure it out. You remember that last year I mentioned to you about my first crush on a guy? It took me a while to realize I liked guys.”

“I do remember,” I said, and was able to manage a little laugh.

Then he bent back, scratching his chin as though he was contemplating. “Well, in case you want to know the guy thing, maybe we give it a go. No pressure. We might watch some gay p**n together. See how it hits you. When it does not do anything, or feels out of place, then perhaps it is not your thing. Simple as that. I have bookmarks, nothing kooky just simple stuff. I mean, you can say no but that was how I found out and made sure I was gay.”

I looked at him a second, flushed all over. 'You serious? Like, right now?'

He shrugged, with a little smile, pulling at his mouth. 'Why not? Both of us here, the beers flowing. It is better to know than to speculate. I say, when you are not into it we turn it off and hit the crash button. No big deal.'

My heart went up, a combination of nerves and something that was tying in my stomach. The idea of watching p**n was not bad,as I was a regular visitor to p**n sites. But watching gay p**n with my roomate who was a gay man was something I had never done. I looked him in the eye, weighing my choices before taking the decision. 'Yeah... okay. Let's do it. But if it's awkward, we stop.'

'Deal.' Jordan got up and took his laptop off the couch and placed it on the coffee table. We went into the living room and sat down on the cushions, very close to each other, even touching shoulders. He started a browser and entered a site and scrolled to a video thumbnail, two guys, one of them muscular like him, the other one lean-bodied, both naked. 'This one's basic. Begins with them kissing and proceeds to fuck. No BDSM, no rough stuff, just two men toying each other assholes. He pressed play and the screen was filled with the scene.

The clip began with the two men on a bed, staring at each other. They bent forward and began kissing, with their mouths open, and their hands touching the shirts to get them off. The muscular one pushed the lean guy back, kissing his neck downwards as he unbuttoned his jeans. In a minute pants were down, and the skinny fellow was on his knees, and taking his surprisingly huge cock in his mouth, sucking slowly at first, and then faster and faster, his head bobbing with the flow of the saliva streaming out of his mouth. The strong man moaned, with his hand in his hair, slowly face fucking him. They changed, both sucking each other’s dick in a 69 position.

I sat up on the couch, attempting to be normal, yet as the sounds filled the room, the moans, the sucking noises that were wet from the slurpy blowjobs, my body responded. My groin was heating, and my cock was beginning to stiffen in my jeans and press against it.