School is a few weeks away. I haven't spoken with Zander or Brittany in a week. Instead, I've been helping my dad paint the house, rebuild his 1976 Corvette, and any other job my dad can come up with.
"Are you okay, Ash?" Dad asks."I guess so, " I say."Well, it's summer, and as much as I enjoy spending time with you, you seem to be running away from something. Are you okay?" Dad asks."No, not really, " I confess.Crap, I didn't mean for that to slip out."Are you and Brittany fighting?" Dad asks."No, not exactly, " I admit."Are you and Zander okay? Did that boy do something to you?" Dad glares."No, nothing. It's Zander we're talking about. As if...." I lie."Well, that'd better be the case. You know how I feel about him, " Dad says."Zander has a girlfriend anyway, " I say."Oh, really? That boy is capable of being in a relationship?" Dad asks."Not, really, dad. They make out a lot, " I reply.I think I've told my dad quite enough."Well, dad, I think I'm gonna call, Brittany. Are we done here?" I ask."Sure, we are, honey. And don't forget you can tell me anything. I love you, Ash," dad says."Love you too, dad," I say.I text Brittany.Me: Brit, are you there?Brittany: Yes, where the hell have you been?Me: Helping my dad around the house.Brittany: Are you grounded or something?Me: Pretty much.Brittany: Can we hang yet? School's going to start soon.Me: I know. Let's go to the pool later today.Brittany: Sure, see you there.I get my bikini on and walk to the neighborhood pool. Brittany greets me and hands me a water bottle. I look in the pool and see Zander making out with Leslie. It makes me uncomfortable.Zander sees me and gets out of the pool. Leslie Thompson follows after. Leslie Thompson is a sweet girl. There's nothing bitchy about her, then why do I suddenly hate her?"Hi, Ash. You know Leslie, right?" Zander asks.How can he ask me that? God, and the things I said to him the night of the party. Barf!! Fucking hell."Yes, I know her. I'm sorry I pushed you in the pool the other night. I thought there was a bee on you," I lie."Oh, is that what all that shoving was about? Well, I'm terribly allergic to them. Thank you," she replies with her perfect white teeth.Leslie Thompson is an angel. Her wavy blonde hair, blue eyes, and soft complexion make me feel like hiding. Zander didn't really mean to call me beautiful; that was a mistake. There's no way I'm beautiful compared to Leslie."How have you been, Ash?" Zander asks.Like screaming at your face, you idiot."I'm great. I've been helping my dad rebuild his 1976 Corvette, " I say."Wow, your dad has one of those?" Zander says, amazed."Yeah, he does. We are rebuilding the engine. My hands have tons of blisters. It's a fun summer project," I say."Ewww, you like to be a grease monkey? So that's what boys are for? Wow, Ash, you really are a boy, aren't you?" Leslie says.If Leslie wasn't a bitch before, she is now."So, I like working on cars. Who cares?" I say."Umm, women everywhere do. That's not cool, Ash. Get with the program," Leslie says."Excuse me?" I say."Honey, you're an upperclassman now. Start acting like it. It's time to drop the tomboy act and start becoming a real woman. No man is going to want to date you. No wonder you're a virgin. Everyone knows you're a stupid pathetic virgin," Leslie laughs.I clench my fist. I think about punching Leslie in the face. I think hard about it. I tackle Leslie Thompson into the pool. Leslie finds me in the water. She grabs my ankle and drags me down to the bottom of the pool. She sits on me below the water. I breathe in water. A lifeguard jumps in and gets Leslie off me. Zander jumps in and drags my body to the side of the pool. I cough all the water out, and then I vomit. The lifeguard gets me water."Excuse me, miss," the lifeguard says."Who me?" Leslie says."Yes, you. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave," the lifeguard says."Why?" Leslie asks."The Springhill Heights Community pool doesn't tolerate horseplay in the water. And you were clearly trying to drown someone. I could report you. But instead, I'm giving you a warning that you are banished from the Springhill Heights Community Pool," the lifeguard says."Well fuck all of you. This pool sucks anyway. Are you coming, Zander?" Leslie says."In a minute," Zander shouts."Go be with Leslie. I'm fine, " I whisper to Zander."Ash, can we talk sometime?" Zander whispers back."Not in your life. Go be with Leslie, and leave me alone," I say."Bye, Ash," Zander says.Zander leaves the pool, and I could care less. Go be with your perfect wicked bitch of the west."Ash, are you okay?" Brittany asks."I was just half-drowned. So no, I'm not okay," I reply."Well, I'm sorry about Leslie. Zander and Leslie are wrong together. I can't believe Zander has a girlfriend. I mean, you literally kept all the girls off him the night of the party. I don't get it," Brittany says."It's a weird mystery, " I say."Want to come over for a sleepover?" Brittany asks."Sure," I reply."Kyle will be there, hanging with Zander," Brittany says."That's fine. I don't really care what Zander does," I reply."Well, see you soon, " Brittany squeaks."Okay, great, " I reply.I know if it's a sleepover involving Kyle, that Brittany will sneak away to have sex. It's typical for our sleepovers. I don't mind. I sit there and watch movies on my phone. Only this time, I will have to avoid Zander. And avoiding Zander Hogan is not like me.I pack my bags for the sleepover. My fuzzy slippers have made it to the bottom of my bag. I sneak in Oreos, Doritos, and Pepsi. Brittany will be happy to eat junk food. "Mom, I'm going over to Brittany's for a sleepover," I say. "Have fun, sweetie," mom says. I walk on the secret path towards the Hogan's house. I hear squeaking in the tree nearby. "Hello, Meeko, " I say. The dumbass raccoon looks at me. We know each other well. Rocket was an asshole. He's dead now. Meeko's the nicer one. I toss Meeko an oreo from my backpack. "Don't tell my dad, okay?" I say. Meeko chirps at me. I guess that's a promise. "Do you always feed raccoons?" Zander asks. "None of your business, " I say. Crap, I don't want to deal with Zander right now. His dumb bitch girlfriend nearly drowned me. "What's gotten into you?" He asks. "Zander, leave me alone," I yell. I'm humiliated that I thought we had a spark between us the other night. How stupid it was to kiss Zander in a game of seven minutes
I fall asleep next to Zander. I've heard of teens sleeping with and next to each other. I never imagined that it could happen to me. The idea of sneaking around behind everyone's back is new to me. Are teens allowed to take naps next to each other? I guess I'll never know. There's a lot of things that are new to me. Being the worst friend to Brittany is sure to make the top list of my new and favorite vices. I wake up. It's 3 am, time to go back to Brittany's room and pretend I was never with Zander. We made out on his bed for two hours. His lips were soft and gentle. I can still feel them. I blush. I'm not ready to go back to Brit's room just yet. Going back will mean that this magic never happened. That his lips never touched mine. That our lips never made contacted. Zander is still sleeping. I lay my head on his chest and feel his heartbeat below my ear. It's steady. How can his heart be so calm, after we had an encounter like that? My heart keeps thumping like a war drum about t
Two weeks pass. Zander and I text constantly. His words blow up my phone. He sends me memes. I send him photos. Our flirty correspondence has my stomach in knots. We all know Brittany. She's a bitch when she wants to be. She would bitch about this.Being with Zander would be fun, on edge, and flirting with danger. We've all seen the Lion King, like Simba, I too, laugh in the face of danger. Ha-ha-ha-ha!! I head to the mall by myself. I'm tired of going with Brittany. The truth is, being around Brittany is hard. She lives with Zander and tells me all his masculine habits that bother her. When she tells me, I picture them in great detail and get distracted. No, not today. Today it's me, myself, and I at the mall. Yes sir!! Just me. I slam the break of my car and look through my windshield. For fucks sake. Aiden Buckland. The sexy jock, I haven't seen him since the pool party. He's Zander's best friend or was. They had a falling out, and truth be told, I'm not sure where their friends
What in the world am I thinking? Falling for Zander? He's out of my reach. He is out of my grasp. Yet, I want nothing more than to be by his side. I am not sure why in seven hells, I decided to date Aiden. I mean, I know we aren't dating. We are two people who are pretending. Is pretense okay? I sometimes wonder if there is a law disregarding these things. Is there an issue? Falling for someone totally and completely. My best friend told me, 'no,' he is 'off-limits' because she is his sister. She's selfish. I know the party was supposed to be fun. But keeping girls away from Zander was hard. I didn't want to keep myself away from him. I suppose I have always had a useless crush on him. He isn't a bad guy. He's athletic and smart. He's brave and ruthless. He's everything perfect in masculine form. So my desire to honor Brit is strong. And it sucks. It sucks more than any straw I have ever placed my lips on. I want to be a good friend. However, I feel like this relationship is one-
A week goes by. Three more days and the start of my junior year will commence. I'm not the sort of girl who wants to fall in love with two boys. I am pretending with Aiden Buckland. He makes my breath stop. But he's not the one for me. We have only been on one date so far. The parameters of our dating seem endless. I think he wants to go to all the bases with me. He's a guy, so it must be true. My parents would flip knowing my plans. Little tomboy Ash is turning into somebody. I hope all the nobodies notice me. I notice them. My phone buzzes and beeps. It's Aiden. Aiden: Hey you. Me: Hey.Aiden: We haven't been on a date in a while. Want to get food? Me: Sure. Pizza? Aiden: Always. How's 6:30? Me: Sounds good. Aiden: Want to go to my soccer game? Me: When? Aiden: Tomorrow at 7? Me: Sure. Aiden: There will be lots of people there. You can wear one of my hoodies if you'd like. Me: Aww, sure. Aiden: ByeMe: Bye. My insides are mourning. Wishing deep down that these texts we
Zander Hogan's text message beeps on my bed. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm torn between two boys. I am excited to be with Aiden. Our date involves food. I like watching him eat. The sweat pours from his body when he eats. I lust after Aiden. I know I do. All the girls fond over the Adonis that he is. He is chiseled in stone. The gods handcraft him. I decide to put on one of my mom's sundresses. I'm still avoiding Brit. Aiden is my surprise. I am excited to have a surprise to show everyone. He will be a great asset to my womanhood. I sound like a tool again. Now I'm the man-eater. And damn, it feels good to be shallow and lusted after for once. Aiden needs a girl on his arm. And now I'm that girl-the product of lust and longing. So, Aiden, here I come. The sundress stretches and is hot. It's blue with stars. My red hair bounces on my shoulders. Dresses are not like me. Only when I danced ballet did I dress up. Now I am lost in the void of womanhood. I don't know who I a
Aiden Buckland and I are getting serious. Too serious, if you ask me. It's not that I don't like him. He is a kind young man. And I love that about him. But I need to stick to the plan, the plan to be as fake as make-up.Make-up is shallow for the faint of heart. I never wanted to be a shallow girl. And yet, here I am, being as shallow as the cheerleaders. The first day of school is upon us. And I feel my legs fill with jelly at the thought. Being jelly is disturbing. Jelly is weak. Jelly floats on the surface of shallow waters. I feel the shallowness within me. I put my regular outfit on. The one I always put on. It feels flirty this time, flirty, fake, and forced. Feeling girly is not like me. I haven't been me in ages. Ever since I considered joining ballet again, I have felt girly. Barf. Gag. Vomit. Spew. Aiden Buckland's fancy car pulls into my driveway. His blonde locks are flowing again. His light brown eyes find mine. I like hanging out with him. Even if we are only friends
I feel bad about Zander. I didn't want to make him sad. I didn't want to make him cry. I am not one-hundred percent certain; he did cry. But I did. I want to imagine we are empaths. Our emotions are cousins, and we can feel each other's pain. I know that that's not the case, though. The first bell rings. Zander isn't in homeroom. I see him drive away from the second-story window. I must have hit a nerve. Sorry Zander, but I don't remember you asking me out. And Brit would hate me. Leslie Thompson sits down next to me."That was so savage."I am a bit startled by her comment. Is she talking to me? "Excuse me?" I ask. I fold my hands on my desk. "You and Aiden Buckland. Damn, I never thought he'd choose someone like you."She glances at me up and down. I know I am not good enough. I'm the ugly duckling being interviewed by a swan. Swans are bitches. They are beautiful and meaningful. "If you're trying to scare me, you can fuck off," I snap. "Whatever, watch yourself. Once Aiden is