Chapter 1- New beginnings

“Welcome home.”  My cousin Nathan says standing at his guest bedroom door. He looks at me for a long time, silent. He’s looking at me like I’m a stranger. I guess, I kind of am a stranger in a way. We haven’t seen each other in over six years. The last time we saw each other we were young; right at the cusp of becoming young adults.

 He’s looking at me like he’s trying to figure out who I am; I bet I have the same look on my face.

“Thank you for this.” I say gesturing to the room. I walk to the bed and sit down, my body is tired from the flight but my mind is working over time. I’m having sensory overload with being back. My brain is trying to adjust to being back home.

It feels like I’m having a culture shock. I know what South Africa is and it shouldn’t scare me but I’ve been away for so long that it feels like I have to relearn everything. 

My body feels off, I know it’s probably jet lag.

“It’s nothing.” He says smiling at me.

“I’ll be out of your hair soon,” I say and he shakes his head at me.

“Don’t be like that, you can stay for as long as you want. You’re home here.’ He says smiling at me, his smile genuine.

“Thank you. I really do appreciate this.” I say smiling back at him.

“Cool, let me leave you so you can rest.” He says leaving me in the bedroom. He pulls the door closed, leaving me to the silent echo of the four walls.

I can’t believe I’m back home.

It feels like a lifetime ago when I left OR Tambo to fly to Cuba for med school. I felt so lost and out of place then. And now hear I am with the same feeling, flowing through my body. Only this time I’m home.

I don’t know how to feel about being home. Everything is so foreign and unfamiliar. And the fact that I can’t go home to my mother’s house makes it all so worse. I feel as ungrounded and lost as I did years ago. Med school gave me structure and it helped me forget the stress back home. Now that I’m here, I can feel the stress coming over me.

The only thing that gives me any form of peace is the fact that I’m going to see my son. I can’t wait to hold him, kiss him, and play with him. He gives me peace, he’s the only reason I keep going. He’s the reason why I worked so hard all these years. I left for Cuba a year after he was born; he was just a small and innocent thing. Today he’s a grown-up young man. I have to make sure that I’m the best father he’s ever had. I have to make up for the years I was away. I have to make up for everything I missed out on.

  I stand up from the bed to go take a shower. Maybe if I take a shower I’ll feel better. I have to kill a couple of hours before I take a nap. I’ll start with a very long and calming shower.

I come out of the shower feeling slightly alive. I down a bottle of water and sit on the bed for a minute. My brain drifts to the one person I know it shouldn’t. I close my eyes trying to block her out but a picture of her flashes in my mind.  

This is not healthy; I have no business thinking about Shalom. We haven’t seen each other in over ten years and I know she’s not thinking about me wherever she is. I can’t believe I’m letting myself go back to that. I’d done such a good job of forgetting her. I’m wasting whatever energy I have left thinking about her.

I need to stop doing this before I get too far.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes. For a second I see an image of her in front of me. I smile to myself; I know I’m lying to myself saying I forgot her.

The truth is I never forgot her. I just put her in a very dark part of my mind and closed the door. I convinced myself that I didn’t care or think about her. But deep down I know that she’s been there; in the back of my mind.

Now that I’m back home all I can think about is her. She’s the other reason I worked hard all these years, I knew that I had to become a different man in order to be worthy of her love.

A long time ago all I wanted was her and I didn’t feel worthy of her. I had to grow up and become a man that could stand next to her. I sit here and wonder if I am worthy. All the insecurities I felt all these years are coming back in full force.

I don’t believe in soul mates but Shalom is close to that for me. No matter how far I go and no matter how many girls I meet. She’s the one woman who never leaves me. I unconsciously compare other women to her.

After all these years I know that when I do see her all those feelings will come crawling back to me. Whether I want them to or not.

But I could be tripping. Maybe I won’t feel the same way when I see her. I could be hyping this whole thing up. For all I know she’s grown up and turned into an ugly person. Maybe she’s mean and not so attractive anymore.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and find that the years have taken a toll on her and she’s changed. I bet I won’t even recognize her anymore. I wish she had social media; she doesn’t have a F******k page or I*******m. I can’t find her anywhere. She did that thing where people disappear off the face of the earth.

She could’ve given me the courtesy of having a F******k, so I could see her and be able to prepare myself for when we do run into each other. That way I will know what I’m walking into.

Now I’m walking into this blind.

My phone rings and breaks me out of my thoughts. I fish for it in one of my bags. When I see the caller ID, I come back to reality.

“Hey, baby,” Olive says when I answer the phone.

“Hey,” I say guilt creeping up my spine. I had forgotten for a minute there who I am. I forgot I have a girlfriend.

“Did you get home okay? You just got home huh?” she asks sounding just as tired as I am. Hannah and I met in med school; we’ve been dating for four years. She helped me through the toughest four years of my life.

“Yeah, I’m good. How are you?” I ask and she yawns through the phone.

“I’m good. I got home a few hours ago so I’m feeling a little more settled.” She says her voice so soft, my favorite thing about her. She speaks so softly, she sounds like she’s taking her time all the time. “I miss you already.” She says and I smile. She lives in Cape Town and I’m in Johannesburg. So we’re going to go from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other very much.

So this is going to be very interesting.

“I know, it feels weird not having you around,” I say truthfully.

“We need to make sure we visit each other, a lot.” She has so much emotion in her voice.

“We’ll work it out,” I say knowing that it’s going to be tough to adjust. We still have 18 months of school left. And this is going to be a hard 18 months.

“I just don’t want to let life ruin what we have. Long-distance relationships are very hard. I want us to work and I want to make sure that we’re on the same page.” She says her voice lower than usual.  I sigh feeling the stress that I felt earlier come back.

“We don’t have to worry about that right now. We need to concentrate on finishing school and graduating, the rest will come.” I say trying to calm her down as best I know how. I have so much on my mind; I can’t take on any more stress. I need her not to freak out on me.

“I know… I just don’t want to wake up and you’re not mine anymore. A lot is changing and I’m scared that our relationship will change too.” She says and I close my eyes, feeling pressure on the side of my head. I can feel a headache come on.

“I hear you but let’s not create stress where there isn’t,” I say hoping she can understand where I’m coming from. We have to keep focus here, we have something solid, and stressing about unknowns is the fastest way to make sure that we ruin what we have.

There’s no way we can throw away a four-year relationship like that. I love her and there’s no way I’m letting that go.