Chapter 2 - Time out

“What does your day look like today.” My mother asks walking into the kitchen. She sits at the kitchen table looking at me. I pour her a cup of coffee and walk to the table to give it to her. I sit down sipping on my own coffee.

“I don’t have anything booked for today,” I say and she looks at me surprised.

“Are you okay?” she asks concerned. I rarely have any off days so she automatically thinks that I must be sick or something

“I’m okay. I just thought I should give myself a day off.” I say and she smiles at me.

“Do you think you can stick to the day off?” She asks skeptical because she knows me very well.

“I’m going to try,” I say truthfully. I work from home as a virtual assistant so it’s hard to take time off. I often struggle to find a balance between working from home and taking time out. I wake up and the work is right there.

I just can’t switch off; the only thing that puts me off is when I’m too tired to get out of bed or if I’m sick. I know that neither of these reasons are good for my health but the truth is bills don’t pay themselves. I need to work to get paid; I don’t have job security so everything falls on me.

“Well, it’s good that you’re taking time out. You need it.” She says getting up from her chair. “What do you want for breakfast?” She asks walking to the fridge.

“You’re making breakfast?” I ask my face split into a huge smile. I love it when my mother makes breakfast. 

“Yes, I want to start off your day right,” She says smiling at me.

“How sweet of you, I’m feeling like waffles this morning,” I say and she opens the fridge to get out some of the ingredients.

“I have an idea, go back to bed and I’ll bring you your breakfast when I’m done.” She says looking at me seriously.

“I don’t mind waiting,” I say smiling at her. She frowns at my answer.

“Go I’ll be fine.” She says sensing the real reason I don’t want to leave her alone in the kitchen. Her health is not good, so I get nervous when she starts moving around. I get anxious when I can’t keep an eye on her.

Her health is the main reason I work from home and why I work so hard. Between her medication and multiple hospital visits; I have to make sure I have money. Chronic medication is expensive as hell and medical aid is even more expensive.

“Okay, shout if you need anything,” I say choosing not to argue with her. We’ve had so many disagreements since her health started failing. And I don’t want to start today with another fight.

“I will.” She says as I leave the kitchen and head to my room.

I walk into my bathroom and take out a scented candle. I want to set the mood for my day. A good scent is the best way to set a calming and soothing day. I walk back to my bedroom, place the candle on my side table, and light it.

I sit on my bed and take a deep breath of the candle. My phone rings just as I start to relax. I look around my room and see my phone on my vanity on the other side of the room.

I stand up and slowly walk to it, hoping whoever is calling gets impatient and ends the call. I’m in my usual no-socializing mood. I want to be left alone.

“Hey,” I say answering the phone.

“Hey right back at you,” Jay says on the other side of the phone. I feel guilty just hearing his voice. I’ve been ignoring him for the past month or so.

“How are you?” I ask him after a beat.

“I miss you, that’s how I’m doing.” He says sounding so disappointed.

“I miss you too,” I say hoping he doesn’t cuss me out. I’ve been flaking on him for a long time; it would be a miracle if he believed that I miss him. But I do, it’s just that life took over.

“Then come see me tonight.” He says and I smile at his genius. He’s calling me on my bullshit.

“Tonight?” I say knowing I can’t talk myself out of this one. There’s no way I can flake on him again. If I do he’ll no longer be my friend and I won’t blame him.

“Yes, I’m having a few friends over and you’re my friend. So I thought you should be there.” He says pushing the guilt deeper into my heart.

“Are you having something formal? Should I bring something?” I ask knowing it’s the right thing to do.

“No, no. Just bring your beautiful self and we’re good to go.” He says his voice so cheerful.

“Okay,” I say and my mother walks into my bedroom with my breakfast on a tray.

“Okay, I’ll see you at 8,” Jay says ending the call.

“Thank you so much, Mom.” I say when she places my food on the bed.

“You’re welcome, darling.” She says walking out.

I sit on my bed eating my food. I wonder what I’m going to wear. I look at my closet door and sigh. I haven’t been there in the past month. In fact, I think it’s longer than that. I can’t remember the last time I went out.

I don’t think my friends know I’m alive anymore. Jay is the only one who has been consistent in checking up on me. He didn’t give up when I didn’t return his calls, he just kept calling anyway.

The past month has been rough for me. My mother had four episodes and we’ve had to visit the hospital every time. I’m taking care of her by myself so I get overwhelmed. There was a point where she needed around-the-clock care and I couldn’t go anywhere.

I had to take care of her and work at the same time.

I was depleted emotionally, financially, and physically. I was in no shape to entertain friends. I had to put all my energy and time into making sure she was doing okay.

She’s doing much better now but I don’t know if she’ll be that way forever. I just have to have faith that she’ll be okay. But I can’t lie and say that I’m not scared.

My mother has been strong for my entire life. She’s one of the hardest-working people I know. She held our family together for a long time. I’m the woman I am today because she’s who she is. So seeing her this tired and frail is terrifying. I’m struggling to accept that she’s getting old and that one day she won’t be here.

And I think she can tell that I’m scared, that’s why we fight so much. She’s trying to get me out of the fear. And I’m struggling to see the light. Nothing can prepare you for the day your parent can’t take care of themselves.

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I’m losing the point of taking a day off. I need to switch off the worry and relax. I’m working myself up a wall and it’s not working for me. I need to snap out of it and enjoy the rest of my day.

I eat the rest of my breakfast and place the tray to the side. I get into bed and will my body to relax. I try to imagine a calming scene. The pink beach in the Bahamas, I’ve never been there but I’ve always thought that it’s beautiful.

I imagine the sound of the ocean and the feel of the sand under my feet. I place myself on the beach walking, happy and content. I let the emotions wash over me. I breathe in the candle I lit earlier and it calms me even more.

I let my body slowly drift into a state of calm. I take one deep breath after another and feel sleep come over me. I’ve tried this so many times before and I’ve failed each time but I think it’s working today. I can feel my body almost floating in my body, this feels so nice. I need to make a mental note to add to my daily schedule.

I bet if I do this at least once a week my days would be a little less stressful. That is my last thought as I drift off into a deep sleep.

As I disappear the image of me walking on the beach lingers in my mind. I look so happy and free.

I want to be that girl every single day of my life.