Mag-log inIn my first life, today was the day everything began to unravel. My husband Zach and Sienna were in his office, saying how he never wanted to marry me. How he only needed a baby to get bone marrow from. I was only a baby incubator for him. And that was the start of the end. This time, awakens in the past, armed with the awful truth of every betrayal, I won’t stand outside the door. I won’t listen at all. This time I call the shots. This time I turn the tables and turn their lives upside down. And I can’t wait. ‘Stupid enough to get pregnant’ We’ll see who’s stupid now.
view more(Ava)Kai turns his head toward Lila, slow and shaky.He smiles at her. So heartbreakingly gentle and selfless for a boy who has every reason to be angry at the world.Lila blinks groggily in her recovery crib, still foggy from sleep. But when she sees him her eyes light up.Her whole face lights up.“Kai…” she whispers, reaching out her tiny hand.Kai lifts his fingers an inch… trembling… but he reaches back. “Sissy.”The smallest touch. The biggest moment.My throat closes with emotion. This is what matters. Not our adult crap.I lift her out of her crib and place her next to him. Tuck the blankets around them both.“They did this together,” I whisper, more to myself than anyone else. “They’ve always been a team… Lila’s braver because of him. Kai’s fighting because of her. They don’t have to do this without each other.”Zach stands across from me, watching the kids. Tears roll down his face. “You’re right. They can get through this together.“We all can. We’re a family,” I say.Kai’
(Zach) Six months.Six months of watching my son fade.Six months of trying to learn what’s really important in life, and giving up on getting the forgiveness I know I’ll never get.Six months of showing up at every hospital shift change, every blood test, every consult, every damn second because I don’t know if I’ll get another moment with him.But I understand why we needed to wait. For Lila to be older, stronger. I understand and I am grateful. I see her regularly. She comes to visit Kai.Ava always declines. She comes to see him when I’m not here. I get it. I don’t blame her.Sienna is still behind bars. My brother Robert is under suspicion too. My whole existence that I knew has gone now.Lorne businesses lost investors and buyer faith. Most of the arms sank like a stone in water. I had some of my own dealings I managed to keep going.But only because the public believed I was a victim of Sienna. Because they feel sorry for me with Kai no doubt.But I wasn’t a victim. I allowed
(Ava)It happens in the hospital corridor.After I told him No and walked out without looking back.He watched an entire panel of experts take control of his son’s fate and watched me walking away, rejecting him again.I hear him behind me.“Ava!”Paige squeezes my hand and lets go as I turn to face him.His voice is sharp.Frantic. On the edge of losing it.“Ava, you can’t just walk away like this!”I exhale, slow and controlled.Zach is striding toward me like a man seconds away from shattering.His hair’s a mess. His tie is yanked loose. His eyes are wild and glassy… filled with the anger, fear, desperation fighting inside him.He looks like someone ripped the floor out under him.He stops a foot away from me, chest rising fast.“You don’t get to walk away from me like this,” he spits.I lift my chin. “I already did.”“You can’t just… just vanish emotionally,” he snaps. “You can’t shut me out like this. Our children’s lives are at stake.”“I can shut you out. I am.”His breath come
(Ava)One Week Later:The hospital’s Bioethics Committee room is nothing like I thought it would look.No dramatic lighting. No soft, calming music.Just bright overhead fluorescents, a long oval table, and twelve people who do not care about my feelings or Zach’s guilt or the mess our lives have become.They don’t care about the podcasts on our lives, about the true crime series built around Sienna. They don’t care about the drama that feeds the beast.They care about facts. They care about risk.They care about one thing only:Whether Kai’s survival justifies the medical burden placed on Lila.Their focus on medical facts is brutal.The process is clean and clinical. They don’t even pretend to look after our feelings. But they did allow a support person each.Zach is here alone. Of course.Paige is waiting outside for me. I wanted to do this part alone.Paige and I have thrown every otherworldly way to get information at this that we can. Can we rely on it? Maybe not. But I can rely
(Ava)I don’t know what day it is or how much time has passed.My body is a battlefield. Everything hurts. I’m shaking, sweating through the sheets.Caleb said breathe, it’ll pass.It doesn’t pass.I think I’ve thrown up everything I’ve ever eaten. I slept but I’m not sure for how long. The shadows
(Ava)I wake up and the world is ordinary.My body protests when I move, but it doesn’t throw me into spasms. The shaking has gone.I see a fresh set of clothes and a towel on the dresser. I head into the ensuite and enjoy the hot water coursing over my body.It takes some time, but I wash my hair
(Zach)The divorce file is sitting on my office desk.Signed by both of us.My lawyer stands across from me. “If I lodge these today, the decree can be processed by the end of the month.”I look down at the file again and open the folder. Both our signatures.Her name next to mine. It used to mean
(Ava)“Don’t—” I just cannot stand him near me right now.“Look at me.”I meet his eyes because I don’t know what else to do.They’re steady. The steadiness irritates me. It also helps.“In for four,” he says. “Out for six.”I shake my head as I try and suck in air.“In!” he repeats firmly.I breat
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