SHATTERED -MY-DARK-PAST

This wasn't the fate that was meant for me, but I was made to believe it was. It wasn't the path I choose either. I guess luck wasn't on my side, it threw me away like that of an abandoned puppy who has nowhere to go.

It wasn't my fault as I was left with no other choice, they took what I cherished and nurtured the most from me and made me this way. Some might say I'm stupid or I made myself this way, or rather call me a shameless woman left without a single pride. The day I had chosen this path, I never wanted to turn back because I couldn't understand why everything started at first. I never wanted to return and turn a new leaf and I knew I would end up becoming worse, but I didn't prepare for death. Maybe this was my fate and I chose to completely listen to the devil and request his advice on daily occurrences.

My dear mother I lost to the cold hands of death, and later my dearest brother joined. I was left with only my father who believed that training a female child was something hard to do and therefore I was sealed from the outside world to make his life easier and make mine harder.

Maybe because of my father, I never got to know how dangerous the world was, I never knew how to protect myself in a world like that because I never got to see such a world. Just like my life, my heart was filled with darkness and nevertheless I loved my father so much without questioning him. And it all started the day I was decieved, that was the day it all started.

No one came to my rescue that night no matter how much I screamed, no matter how much I pleaded, their heart failed to listen to my cries, and finally, when they were all done, I was left on the stony ground beside an abandoned building to heal and cry as much as I wanted.

From a princess in a wealthy home to a sex worker, a drug dealer, a prisoner, a heart breaker, a gold digger, a waitress, a sex addict, and finally on my last day a foolish mother who was about to leave her little angel all alone.

I couldn't thank Roland enough for accepting me the way I was, for never judging me with my past and shattered heart. And trying to heal my shattered heart. I never thought that I deserved such a man in my life after everything I did to myself. He never cared about my past and chose to stay by my side. I wanted to get married as soon as possible but I couldn't either untill he suggested a way. How I met Roland is also a very important part of my life, a part I wanted to hold dear to my heart till I take my last breath.

I had promised myself never to regret my past and be strong if not for anyone, but Roland, and I was about forgiving my dad who was the cause of everything I faced in life, but the moment I set my eyes on my beautiful daughter, my angel, and world... A deep feeling of shame and regrets crept and ate deep into my soul and shattered me more as I recalled my dark past.

Right on my death bed, I decided I wanted to become a married woman before I would finally leave the world.

And just 28 hours to my last day, the day my daughter was to turn a week old, I took out a pen and began writing my story. Maybe people would be able to see and understand my reason. But at the end of it all I never wanted to make younger girls out there be like me, a disgusting and shameless mother.

My greatest fear after my dark past was letting my daughter learn of what her careless mother had done in the past. I wasn't going to be there to explain myself to her but I hope my book represent me and my regretful feeling.

I wish to let the whole world know my story, I don't ever want to be judged wrongly and most importantly I write to my father first before anyone else.

This is my story.

Copyright ©️ 2022 Vivian Anna.

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