CHAPTER THREE

IT'S been one month and two weeks since her death, and I can feel myself drifting away more and more from reality with each passing day. I feel numb.

     As if I felt so much during these past few weeks that now, I feel nothing. Some might say that I'm depressed, which by the way is the fourth stage of grieving according to the school's counselor.

     "Are you sure you want to do this?" I nod my head as I slump farther into the chair.

     "Alexa, you do realize that by you dropping all of these extracurricular activities-"

     "Yes, I know," I interject, looking at my counselor. "But I just don't have the time to manage all of these clubs and everything is just too difficult for me at the moment..." I trail off at the end.

     A brief look of pity that passes over her face tells me that she knows what I'm referring to.

     "So you're sure you want to-"

     "Positive."

     "Okay then. As you wish." Ms. Vega sighs in defeat as I get up and make my way out of her office.

     The hallways are crowded when I exit the office doors and make my way to lunch. There's one more thing I need to do and I have to do it before I convince myself otherwise.

     I saunter up to the table where the whole cheer team sits, a newfound determination in my stride. I can feel everyone's eyes on me–watching, calculating, waiting to see the scene that is about to unfold.

    "I quit," As soon as the words leave my mouth they all look up at me with dumbfounded expressions.

     "What?" Mackenzie, our flyer, says not quite getting what I'm trying to say.

     "I quit the team. I resign from my position as captain." Their faces go from confusion to shock and Alison immediately stands up as if to protest.

     "What do you mean you quit? Alexa, don't do this." She says harshly.

     "I'm sorry," I reply. "But I just can't anymore." I turn to Paige who's trying not to show how happy she is at the turn of events. After all, now that I have given up my position as captain, it will be passed down to her.

     "Congrats, Paige. Finally got what you've always wanted." I turn away from the table and walk out of the cafeteria, trying to hold my head up high.

     Not only did I just give away my position, I gave away my status too. I make my way through the empty hallways and into the school's library, the only place where I know I can be alone. That's when it all hits me. Do I really want to do this? Give up everything I've worked for since freshman year just like that? 

     Yes,

I decide. I'm done being that girl. I'm done being the stereotypical high school cheerleader who has the whole school wrapped around her fingers. I'm done putting everyone else's best interests before mine. And I'm definitely done trying to be someone I'm not.

     All these years I've been everyone else's image of what a perfect teenage girl should be and look like. But, I'm far from perfect and I'm anything like the girl I pretended to be. I'm done. And the worst part is, it took my best friend dying for me to realize this.

     I pull my fingers through my hair in frustration as I look around the library,  remembering that I need to check out Wuthering Heights for my literature class. After rummaging through every related category I can think of with no luck, I slump into a chair, growing frustrated. I get up to leave the library before my eyes land on a small shelf across the room labeled 'Classics'. How did I not see that? I sigh in relief and rush to grab the book off the shelf, heading towards the librarian to check it out.

     "I'd like to check this book out." I give her my best smile and hand her the book.

     "Student ID." Is all she says and I hold my ID out so she can scan it.

     "Sorry hon, says here you have an obligation for an overdue book. I can't let you check out any more books until you return the copy of A Tale of Two Cities." It takes me a moment to register the book she's talking about but then I remember that I checked that book out last year for a project and have probably misplaced it by now.

     "I really need this book for my English class. I promise I'll return it." I plead.

     "Sorry hon," she shrugs. "Rules are rules."

     I groan internally as my eyes wander around the library as if some answer to my problems would magically appear on a sign on the wall. Just as I'm about to try making a run for it with the book in hand, the door opens and I can only see a stack of bins that cover the tall guy's face.

     "Miss Everly," his deep, husky voice sounds and I manage to get a peek at his black hair and greenish-blue eyes. "I have those copies you wanted."

     "How kind of you Blake," she smiles cheerily at him. "Just set them there." She turns back to me seeing I'm still here. "Like I said Miss Parker, there's nothing I can do."

     I nod my head, knowing it wasn't her fault and deciding that it was time to get going considering lunch ended in ten minutes. I thank the elderly librarian before making my way out of the library. I guess I could just go to the public library.

     I open my locker, gathering my books for my next couple of classes before slamming it shut and jumping a bit when I see the same guy from the library standing beside me. This time I can clearly see his eyes, his blue-green irises instantly making me hate my dull, brown ones.

     "Hey," his voice sounds through the silent hallway that would be swarmed with noisy teens in a few minutes. "You seemed like you really needed this."

     I look at his hands to see that he's holding the copy of Wuthering Heights and I tentatively take it from him both surprised and confused.

     "Thank you," I sigh in relief. "Blake, right?"

     "Yeah," he nods with a natural smirk on his lips that suits him perfectly. "I never got your name."

     "Alexa." I offer my hand and he grips it firmly, giving it a light shake. "Parker."

     "Harper," he replies. "Blake Harper."