Say You Won't Let Go

THE worst part about losing someone is losing them when you least expect it. It's not every day you have your parents break the news to you that your best friend has committed suicide. It was one of those days where I just had that gut feeling that something was bound to go wrong–and trust me, I’ve had more than one of those days–but never in my life could I have imagined something going this wrong.                                                                                                                     

            The memory of hearing of my best friend’s death is as fresh in my mind as ink on a sheet of paper. The days after hearing of her death were a blur of tears and locking myself in my room all day, convincing myself that this was all just some cruel joke. I soon learned this to be the first stage of grieving: Denial. But as much as I’m not ready to move on, I know I have to try. Because even if she isn't here to live her life with me, I know that she would want me to live mine for the both of us. Even if I’m still angry and confused about why hers ended.

***

I sit in my car and stare up at my high school. The lawn is littered with teens conversing about what they did over break, going on as if absolutely nothing has changed when it feels like my whole world has changed. Taking a deep breath, I grab my things before opening the car door and stepping out. Putting my head down, I try to walk briskly into the building without having to run into anyone.

            "Alexa!" Just my luck.

            "Paige, hi." I force some enthusiasm into my voice, but it just ends up falling flat.

            "I heard what happened and the girls and I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. If you ever need anything, I would be happy to help." She says with what I can obviously tell is fake sincerity. I look at her and the rest of the girls sitting at a table a few feet away.

            "Thanks for your concern, Paige," I say, forcing down any hint of anger. "But I'm fine." I abruptly turn around and walk away before she can get a chance to reply.

            As I walk through the crowded hallway, I glance at the place where my best friend's locker used to be. The place where I'd meet with her every day to complain about how awful our mornings were as we headed to our first class together. The place I'd no longer be going to every morning. I trudge through the halls, memories surging my mind as I try hard not to break down right here and now. It was hard enough waking up this morning and driving past her house on my way here, but this? This just adds salt to the wound. The shrill ringing of the bell breaks me out of my trance, and I hurry to my locker before heading off to my first class of the day.

            I can’t seem to focus as Ms. Anderson promptly starts the lesson. I can’t stop hearing her voice in the back of my head, or picturing her next to me, not paying attention to the lesson at all as she makes snarky comments about how awful Ms. Anderson's outfit choice was that day.

            "Alexa? Ms. Parker are you with us?" The sound of Ms. Anderson's saccharine voice interrupts any further thoughts and I try to clear my head.

            "Yes, sorry." I quickly apologize and she gives me a sympathetic look before continuing with the lesson, a lump forming in my throat. As my next few classes go by, time seems to be moving agonizingly slow and it doesn't help that every few minutes I am approached by people saying how sorry they are for my loss and how she was such an amazing person. Half of them didn't even know her. It infuriates me that these people didn’t give her a second thought when she was alive; but, now that she’s dead she suddenly matters to them. 

            When lunch finally comes around, I sit at a table towards the back, relieved to get a break and a chance to sort my thoughts. My break is short lived as I’m joined by company.

"Hi, Alexa. How are you?" Alison greets timidly as she and Madison sit down with their lunch trays. Alison and Madison are twins and probably the sweetest girls you'll ever meet but right now I just wish they would get up and leave. I was tired of people coming up to me with their pity and condolences which only reminded me more of my loss.

            "I'm fine," I reply half-heartedly, not having it in me to ask them to leave. "What brings you guys here?"

            "Can't we have lunch with our captain?" Madison says with that bright smile that can light up any room.

            "We just want to check on you and the team wants to know if you'll be at cheer practice today.” Right. There's practice. 

            "Yeah, totally." I flash them a smile. I couldn’t let them see me in my weakness and if moving on meant that I had to resume the role of the girl I was before that day, then so be it. As lunch progresses and they make no move to leave, I struggle to stay focused. Everything reminds me of her.

            The table near the center of the room was our table. The table we'd sit at every day and talk about boys while also discussing our futures. She'd always talk about how we would attend the same college and become roommates and then rent an apartment together in a different city after graduation. It all just keeps leading me back to the question of why? I can feel my eyes start to blur with tears and I stand up suddenly. The twins look up at me with concern filled eyes.

            "I-I'm going to go, I just remembered I have to go to the library and check out a book for my next class.” I say while grabbing my things.

            "Oh okay. I guess we'll see you at practice?" Alison questions.

            "I’ll be there." I promise.

            I emerge from the cafeteria and make my way to the bathroom, my eyes locked on the ground so no one can see the tears ready to fall.

            "Sorry." I apologize after accidentally bumping into someone, not even bothering to look at them as I start to sprint to the bathroom in my frantic state. Making sure it's empty, I slide against the wall and do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do today. I cry. The tears pour out like a waterfall, the confusion and anger and pain with them. I cry until my vision is blurry and my eyes are red. I cry until I know that I can’t be in here any longer because someone is bound to walk in and I’m not sure I can handle confrontation in this state. It's been a month since she's been gone and instead of things getting easier with time, everything seems to be getting harder and I wish that I could just go back in time and stop any of this from happening. 

            It takes me some time to compose myself. I’ve missed the remainder of my classes for the day and I can’t even bring myself to care. I end up leaving cheer practice early at the suggestion of the team. I couldn’t focus on the routine and only ended up messing everything up. Pushing through the double doors of the gym, I let out a frustrated sigh as I lean against the wall and pinch the bridge of my nose. I eventually head to the school's parking lot which is mostly empty with the exception of a few cars.

            "Alexa?" I hear my name being called and go rigid. Why can’t I be left alone?

            "Hey, Matt." I turn to look at him and his friends surrounding his truck, sweat and dirt running down their faces. Matt Carpenter is the quarterback of our school’s football team and I don’t really recall having any real interactions with him other than at football games.

            "It's been awhile since I’ve seen you." He says.

            "I have a lot going on at the moment." I unlock my car door, not caring to continue this conversation after the crap day I've had.

            "Wait," he says as I'm about to make my escape. I look at him expectantly, feeling annoyed that I am being delayed from leaving.

            “I’m sorry but I need to go." I shut my car door and leave, not allowing myself to feel bad for how harsh that probably sounded. When I finally enter my house, I’m greeted by the smell of my mother's cooking. Before, I would be rushing into the kitchen, anxious to get a bite of whatever was on the stove. Now, I barely have an appetite anymore.

            "How was school?" She inquires with a smile as I throw my keys down onto the table.

            "It was okay," Sighing, I watch as she dumps some pasta into the pot of boiling water.

            "You know you can talk to me, Alexa. What happened isn't something you can easily recover from," she starts, a soft gaze in her eyes as she looks at me. "I know you both were close but-" I clench my hands at her words.

            We weren't just close. She was all I had. The only person that understood me and now she's gone. No explanation, no warning, and no apology.

            "Mom, I know you're trying to help me, and I appreciate it, I really do, but I just need time and space. She was my best friend and I don't want to think about that fact that she’s gone." She looks taken aback by my words but nods her head.

"Okay, well I'm here if you need anything. I just want you to know that you're not alone." She replies with a sad smile and I give her a quick hug before heading upstairs to my room. I lock the door and collapse onto my bed as I stare up at the ceiling. I grab my journal from off the nightstand and open it up to a clean page but freeze as a picture falls out.

            It’s of her and I at a party, holding red solo cups in our hands, which were filled with ginger ale, and smiling like there was no tomorrow.

            "I can't believe you did that!" I exclaim as we both stumble into my room, hunched over in fits of laughter. "The look on her face was priceless!" 

            “It was definitely an accident,” Cam says with a smirk. 

            “I think Paige knows you spilling that drink on her wasn’t an accident.”

            I shut the journal and hold it tightly to my chest. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that Cam is gone and I’m expected to just move on. How can I when most of my happiest memories are with her? How can I when day in and day out, all I can think about is her? The tears fall down my cheeks for what feels like the thousandth time today and I curl into myself, the picture clenched against my chest. I don’t know how long I stay like that but before I know it, I’m asleep.