His Demons

Walking back to the bed, I open the drawer, pulling out the pills I take my daily dose. I don’t know why, though. They don’t help. Every now and then, I feel amazing, joking, laughing, yet inside I am dying, and I can’t keep fighting it. I shouldn’t be alone tonight, but I don’t want to pull the guys away from their families. I shouldn’t do that so close to us leaving.

Looking around this house, I wonder if all the decisions I made these last ten years were right. How did I go from smiling with Alena within my mind to now having nothing but darkness and scary thoughts, dark, melancholy plaguing my mind and trying to make me do something I shouldn’t?

I look at our wedding photo. I can’t do that to Maria. No matter how down I am feeling, I can’t do that to her. I still remember the last time, waking up in the hospital, her by my side, her face broken, soaked from tears because I was selfish, trying to take the coward's way out.

Her words are still loud in my mind.

“Do I mean so little to you? Do you really love me so little you would do this; you would leave me alone wondering why you hate yourself so much that you couldn’t even fight and stay for me?” I had hurt her more than anyone in her life ever has, and all because I could not fight those demons within my own mind.

I feel like hiding away, yet I also feel like I should be around people. My brothers are always there for me when I feel like this. I don’t want to burden them so close to the mission though, I need to sort my head out before then, without bringing them down with me.

Sitting on the bed, hours passing me by while I just watch the world pass around me, wishing this life didn’t exist, this is my way of being free. I can just sit here and pretend this isn’t life, this isn’t me, and none of this is real, a dream I am sure I will wake up from sooner or later.

Night-time is here, and the room getting darker. Closing my eyes, I fall asleep. I will just stay here, hidden away until Maria gets home. Waking up, it is bright. Ignoring the clock. I roll over and close my eyes, forcing myself to fall asleep, to rid my mind of these demons that plague me and want to kill me.

The feeling of the bed moving wakes me, Maria is sitting next to me looking worried. I was hoping I would be feeling better when she got back, but apparently not. Smiling, I act like I am fine. It is all I can do anyway.

“So, did dickhead remember to please my pussy?” I look at her, laughing. She shakes her head, clearly not fooled by my jokes. She is one of the only ones who can see straight through me to the truth.

“Have you really stayed in this bed for over twenty-four hours, Marcus? Don’t joke. I am not stupid. Why would you not tell me how you felt when I asked you last night? You know I wouldn’t have left you if you did.” She is concerned, I knew she was, and my jokes made no difference in changing that.

“I won’t spoil your night because of my mind, I love you, Maria, and I don’t want you to stop what you do to come to make me feel better.” Pulling her to me, I kiss her, her arms unfastening my shirt slowly, her lips kissing my neck. Was I a fool for not wanting just her? Looking at her now, I feel like I was. I should have been happy and let my past go.

“Come on, staying in bed won’t help Marcus. Get up, and I will cook. You need to eat.” She tries pulling me up, my weight too much for her to move. Looking at her, I realise now how lucky I am to have her. Can things change? Can I tell her I don’t want to share? I know I can’t now.

If I do, she will think it is because I don’t have Rebecca, but I will soon. I will tell her I love her too much to share her. She gets off the bed, stands next to it, sitting up quickly, my arms wrap around her legs, cuddling into her.

“I love you.” I kiss her legs, she slowly kneels, kissing me. My hands unbutton her shirt. The need for her is so strong. Her hands are stopping me as she fastens her shirt up.

“Food first, Marcus.” Getting up, I follow her downstairs, sitting at the kitchen table. My mind closes off, my eyes on her, yet I am looking straight through her, into nothingness, just the darkness that is within my mind. I need to let it control me now and get it out of my system for the mission.

I know I can hide from it, but I don’t want it to hit while I’m holding the gun. The plate is put down in front of me, sitting I eat, her eyes watching me. I can see she is scared, scared I will try to end this life again. I wish I could tell her I won’t, but I can’t promise that. I can only try and live for her.

“Are you taking all your pills, Marcus? Every day?” Looking at her, I nod. I am why though I don’t know. “Then maybe you need to go back and get help, change the drugs you are on, something?” Looking at her, I know she is right, but if I do that, I lose one of the things I love most in this life, and I don’t want to lose it.

“If I do that, I will be deemed unfit to go on missions. I am not giving up that part of me. It is one of the things that bring me pleasure. Losing that will only make it worse.” Looking at her, she has tears in her eyes. I hate myself and my mind for putting her through this.

“I will be fine. Let’s eat and go out, somewhere just us two. Where do you want to go?” Her perfect face scares me. I need to try and do this. I need to not hide it but work around the thoughts. I need to live the life with her she wants.

“Well, why don’t we book the cottage we normally go to until the day you leave?” Thinking about it, I think that will be a good idea, to get away from here and everything else.

“Why not? I will go and start packing.” Smiling, I stand up, pulling her to me. I kiss her, my hand stroking across her back, slowly kissing down her neck, the feel of my cock hardening just from her hand stroking through my hair.