17 - LOVE ME ENOUGH TO LET ME GO (1)

Serena’s words stayed between us as music still went on downstairs. My gaze remained on her, while trying to understand how she could ask me to build something that is meant for myself after she made me feel that being close to her was the only thing that mattered.

My fingers were still wrapped to hers, but I had taken my mind somewhere else. 

“What exactly are you asking me to do?” I asked quietly, with Serena leaning back, protecting the stitches that remained above her eyebrow, while looking at me softly. “I am asking you to have a life that would belong to you, Maya, even if I am lucky enough to be part of it.”

The answer from Serena somehow caught me off guard because I had expected her to convince me to accept Velvet. Rather, she was allowing me to want something that is outside the walls she had used her hand to build. I removed my hand and offered hers and rubbed my palms together. 

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I had spent years running from my feelings for her without making my decision on what I actually wanted for myself.

“I don’t want to become someone people only know because I am with you,” I admitted, as I kept watching the floor before I had to force myself to stare at her. “When I was returning home, I had the plan of figuring out what I was doing with my life, and I don’t want loving you to make me forget that.” Serena slowly nodded at my words, as I saw hurt in her face, but it wasn’t there.

“That is exactly what I would love you to avoid,” Serena muttered, while she was reaching for a folder that was placed on her desk. “If you keep working at my club only because you want to, I will support you. However, if you stay because you believe that to love me means to follow me everywhere, then I guess I have failed you.” The honesty from Serena came up on me in a way that was comforting, but felt really strange. 

I was about to answer when the office door clicked open, and my brother stepped inside. He looked at me, then looked at Serena, and then his gaze met the folder that was on Serena’s desk. I was able to sense that he came to the club looking for answers rather than starting another argument. Serena readjusted herself slightly as I touched her arm just before she could change our discussion into another thing she would have to defend.

“I discovered you were offering Maya a place here,” Ethan disclosed, placing one of his hands on the doorframe. “I just came to know whether she wants it or whether she feels like she has to take it because of you.” The question dawned on me harder than I expected it to be, but I refused to let Serena give Ethan the answer this time.

“I don’t know yet,” I replied, lifting my chin. “And that is the point.” Ethan’s gaze met mine for some seconds right before he changed his expression.

Serena took the folder that was on the table again and opened it to a page. “There is another option,” she said to me, while sliding the paper across her table. “A small event and media project has been looking for someone to coordinate their creative side, and I thought that you could handle it.” I looked at the information from the folder because the opportunity was not something that had to do with being Serena’s girlfriend.

“You already knew about this?” I asked, still opening other pages. Serena smiled briefly and shook her head. “I knew about the opportunity,  not wherever you would want it, and I didn’t bring it up till I was sure you were ready to hear it.” My chest tightened because of the realization that she had thought about my future before trying to control it.

Ethan, standing behind me, was reading the page over my shoulder and then gave Serena a quiet expression with his gaze. “You’re actually telling her to take something that could completely take her away from your side.” There was no hesitation from Serena before she replied. “If it is good for her, then yes.” Certainly, her presence made the room feel smaller.

“What will happen to us if I take it?” I whispered while folding the paper slowly. Serena changed her position and sat closer to me till her knee was touching mine. “We stop testing distance like it’s the enemy,” she murmured, her eyes still on me. “You go build what you want, and I continue building what I want, then we choose each other without any of us disappearing.”

The answer she gave broke the little resistance I had in me. I was going to touch her face but stopped before touching the stitches, and then let my fingers settle against her cheek instead. She closed her eyes for a second and then turned her face into my palm with a softness that made the whole club disappear. 

“I’m scared,” I confessed, barely above a breath. Serena gave me a faint smile while she opened her eyes. “So am I.” She gave me a small gesture, and then kissed the center of my palm, which carried more weight than any promise she could have made to me.

Serena then placed the opportunity back into my hands. “Take the interview,” she asserted, while leaving my side before I could answer. “Go see what they are going to offer you, Maya, and decide because you want the life, and not because you are afraid of losing me.” I looked between the paper and the woman I had loved for a long time while my heart was beating.

At this point, choosing Serena was not like choosing between her and myself because now I am asked to become the woman I had been trying to find since I left for university. I slipped the document into my bag with the knowledge that I had not accepted anything yet and also couldn’t pretend I wanted nothing beyond Serena.

I stood up carefully as Serena’s gaze remained on me. “Whatever you decide, I’ll be here when you come back.” I stopped closer to her seat and pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth and then whispered to her ear, “What if I decide to want both?”

Her smile came up slowly, but before she replied, Ethan stared at the paper in my bag, and the decision had felt real to me. The interview was tomorrow. I had come to Velvet to find out where I belonged beside Serena, but I was leaving with a chance to know who I could become without her.

Tomorrow, I would have to choose how much of my future I was ready to make a claim on. I never thought loving her could leave room for being myself, and at that moment, I was afraid of choosing something for myself because it could change everything between us.