FAZER LOGIN(Sonia)Julian answers the door with a clipboard, which is the first wrong thing.The second wrong thing is the smile.He's had it on so long it's gone stiff."You're just in time," he says. "I need a second opinion on the bar."I came to give back the eulogy.That was the whole plan.Hand him the stupid short straw I won fair and square, back when Taylor dying was a punchline we all got to keep, tell him I can't do it, and leave before anyone makes me feel things in daylight.Except there's nothing to give back, apparently. Because there's no funeral.There's a party."She didn't want a sad thing," he says, walking me in like a maitre d'."Black clothes, organ music, everyone whispering into their canapes. She'd have loathed it. So we're not doing that. We're doing the thing she'd actually turn up to."There are samples everywhere.Napkin colors fanned out on the counter.Two cake boxes.A playlist open on his laptop, four hours long, with her name in the title.He's been at this for
(Chase)I have the driver take the limo, which is ostentatious, but it has a partition I can put up.A driver in the mirror would have a front-row seat, and I don't want a witness for this.There's a reservation I made myself at a place with an ocean view.A tasting menu the chef planned around all of Natasha’s favorite foods.I picked the wine pairings yesterday and changed it twice this morning.I can walk into any boardroom and leave with the answer I came for.I’m so nervous about tonight’s date I can barely function.There's no angle here.No leverage.The only honest pitch I've got is please.She opens the door wearing a simple satin mini-dress with spaghetti straps and sky-high red heels.It clings to her indecently and I nearly lose my nerve right there on her front steps.Her hair is down, falling down her back in loose curls and she looks soft and kissable and I want her so much it makes my chest close up.She knows exactly what her hair does to me and wore it like this anyw
(Natasha)Chase is still here in the morning, which is the part we’re both still adjusting to.We're very good at the nights.We’ve done the night thing twice now and both times were spectacular.Morning afters are new ground.He's awake before me, flat on his back, one arm stretched out with my head resting on it.I don’t think he’s moved it all night.His shoulder has to be screaming in discomfort by now but he's living with the ache rather than wake me.That almost gets me more than the intimacy of last night.Not quite, I’m not a crazy person, but it’s so sweet and considerate that it makes me want to swoon a little."Your arm has to be asleep," I say."It's fine.""You know you don’t have to punish your arm to keep me happy.""It's loyal."I laugh into his chest before I can stop it, and he goes still in a pleased way, like he caught something rare and doesn't want to spook it.Down the hall, Lily starts up.Not crying.The babble she does to herself when she wakes, running throu
(Julian)"Where's Taylor?" Gloria asks, coming through with a delectable looking leg of lamb. "I made enough for an army. She told me she loves lamb.""She couldn't make it."True, technically. The best ones are.I take my usual chair.We’ve been doing these Sunday lunches at Gloria and Nathanial’s for the past three weeks.Taylor loved them.She said my messed-up family had a lot more heart than her perfect-on-paper one ever did.I pour myself a stiff drink and don't stop when a sensible man would.The table's doing its thing.Gloria and Nathanial arguing about who was supposed to keep an eye on the gravy, which has over-reduced.Chase down the far end with Lily on his knee, feeding her something she's mostly wearing.Natasha's beside him. Half in the noise. Half somewhere I recognize."Couldn't make it," Gloria says, turning her attention back on me, like the words will rearrange if she says them twice."She's not unwell?""Define unwell."Sonia snorts. "He's sulking. Taylor probabl
(Nathanial)Gloria reorganizes the spice rack for the umpteenth time at eleven.Cumin, fennel, paprika.It’s been alphabetical. Then organized by frequency of use. Then paired by meats it best accompanies. Then by color.She did the linen closet on Tuesday and the garage on Sunday.The house has never been this clean.She has never been this far away while standing in the same room as me."Come to bed," I say."In a minute. This is chaos."It's oregano. It is not chaos. But I’m not stupid enough to put that between us.There was a due date.I still know it.Occasionally I catch myself counting toward it like it's a thing that's still coming.A countdown I started without being aware of it and now I can't switch it off.She's stopped saying the word out loud.We had a bad night right after she told me. We both broke down, emotions spilling out messily as we held each other on the bathroom floor.We clung together and swore we'd get through it.I believed it that night. As deep as the
(Chase)I don't sleep.I've never been able to sleep in the good part of anything.I lie there waiting for it to get taken back.Natasha's against my side in the dark, not asleep either.I can tell by her breathing.The first time was fast.Too long of not-this came down all at once and neither of us lasted the way we'd have wanted.I would have apologized except she laughed, this delighted, wrecked sound, and told me to give her ten minutes.It's been eleven.Her hand moves first.Flat on my chest, then lower, unhurried, like she's decided something and is taking her time about the execution.She does everything like that.Decides, then does."You're thinking," she says into the dark."I'm always thinking.""Stop."She rolls up over me, and her weight presses me down into the mattress.Natasha, who has spent the entire time I've known her three steps ahead of every man in the room, looks down at me like I'm the one thing she didn't see coming.This time there's no rush in it.This ti
(Nathanial)Sonia calls at noon and asks if she can come over that evening.I haven’t seen much of her recently.I neglected her for a bit when I found out about Nat’s death.But in fairness, I neglected myself as well while dealing with that overwhelming grief.When I was more myself and tried to
(Natasha)By the time Lily comes home, the nursery looks less like a nursery and more like a satellite office for St. Jude’s.There are printed instruction sheets above the changing table.A thermometer on the dresser.A neat stack of follow-up appointment cards clipped together with one of Chase’s
(Chase)The waiting room is too crowded for this conversation.That is my first clear thought when Dr. Patel walks in with a tablet in one hand and a folder tucked beneath his arm.The second is that doctors only carry paper when they’re about to tell you something they want no possibility of misun
(Julian)Sonia looks like she hasn't slept.Which, for a woman who treats her appearance as a full-time occupation, is genuinely alarming.There are shadows under her eyes that her concealer hasn't quite covered, and she's holding her coffee cup with both hands like it's the only stable object in t







