*Trigger warning, infant loss*
Jaxson reaches out a shaky hand and places it on Alaska’s shoulder and rolls her half off Torin in an effort to see what has happened, Alaska curls into a ball, the hands that were clutching Torin only a moment ago press on her stomach, her stomach is a mess as if it was directly targeted.
"He is gone, they are both gone, I tried so hard but in the end I wasn't strong enough to save either, I failed them, I let them die…"
Jaxson’s tears finally flow as he watches her hold the flesh of her shredded stomach in such a way. They had only celebrated the news of her pregnancy a few weeks before their parents demise. Alaska’s last piece of Torin.
Alaska wails, rocking back and forth on the ground with no way to vent her hurt. The pain doesn’t lessen the louder she is.
"...I want to go with them. Why can’t I go with them? Am I being punished? Did I fail so badly that I won't be granted this reprieve?"
Alaska has tried to slip into death, she has closed her eyes and willed it. Torin's body has turned cold while she desperately tried to slip away. She doesn’t want to feel like this, she wants to follow them, be the family she always dreamed of, give Torin the family he deserved. She wants to be with them once again.
Jax drops to his knees and holds Alaska tight, cradling her, rocking her as she cries.
"You can’t go Alaska. You can’t leave me alone in this. You are all I have left"
"I can’t do it, I can’t feel like this, it is too much"
Alaska feels like her internals are getting torn to shreds. She has never known pain, she never knew anything could feel this bad. There is no relief.
"This is not what Torin would have wanted for you, you are stronger than this"
"I am not stronger, I can’t"
"You can and you will"
Jaxson can hear the thundering sounds of paws, knowing that the new hierarchy will be doing the rounds to get any stragglers to submit, he will be killed on sight. Alaska with her strong beta blood will be considered too much of a threat. If she isn’t killed she will be locked up. Neither of those two are an option.
Jaxson picks up the grieving woman. His fingers brush against Torin’s cold and lifeless body, the body of his best friend, the one so full of life, the bright future that was so close. Torin's cold clammy skin making him flinch back. He holds Alaska against him, two naked bodies pressed tightly together, but it is the least sexual situation possible. At first she fights it, desperate to return to them. Desperate to stay in her final resting place, but as Jax walks she slowly gives up, her arms wrapping around his neck, her face buried in his collarbone, her legs wrapped around him, she just hangs silently on him just sobbing.
Jaxson is her support, he is her reason, he is her legs when she can’t take a step, but he needs her just as much as she needs him. If there wasn’t that warm body pressed against him, that need to keep her safe, that connection to life, he wouldn’t be able to move a step.
The further they get from Torin’s body, they get the quieter she becomes, but her silent tears cut Jax just as deeply as the hysterical crying.
"I am going to get us to safety Alaska. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but everything is going to be okay, we are going to get through this"
Alaska sobs, this hurt, nothing will ever fix this, this is impossible to heal.
"Nothing will ever be the same again"
Jaxson crosses the Autumn pack border quickly, trying his best to disguise their scent in the most vague attempt. Everything seems futile. But he has torn her from that death with the man she loves. He is determined to keep Alaska safe and that is the bare minimum that he can do. He never thought that he would have to leave his own home to consider himself safe, the pack border that he has run so many times before just seems foreign now, it has an odd sense of foreboding threatening to swallow them alive.
Jaxson just keeps walking as the day turns to night once more, his feet are heavily wounded and they are painful, his wolf doesn’t have the energy to fix him, he is hungry and he is thirsty like he has never experienced in his life before. His whole body hurts yet he just keeps putting one foot in front of the other.
He feels exhaustion in his bones yet he never for one moment thinks about putting Alaska down or even taking a moment to rest and collect himself.
This is his punishment for himself, this is what he deserves for failing to keep the pack and his friends safe. He wants to hurt as badly in a physical sense as he does in an emotional sense, just to try and dull this internal pain.
The woman in his arms has fallen asleep on numerous occasions but wakes herself up either crying, sobbing or screaming. Never once does she release her grip on him. His chest is wet from her tears but he couldn’t care less, when she isn’t making a sound, he likes to feel her shuddering breath against his skin because it lets him know she is still with him.
Jax hasn’t said a word in the longest time because he has no words left to say. Even if he had the energy, he would never be able to come up with the impossible words that would make everything alright. Maybe because there is no such sentence.
Jax has been walking for so long that he feels utterly directionless but still keeps going with one foot in front of the other.
The sea of endless trees finally opens up and Jaxson doesn’t pause as he moves through the mostly deserted industrial area. A few streetlights light the way, but the stark white light in random sections fails to bring a sense of warmth or comfort. The streets are empty, the few buildings which are occupied the workers have long since been knocked off for the day.
Jaxson expertly navigates down the familiar roads until he enters an industrial precinct and walks straight toward a single large space. The warehouse is huge, there is no signage on the unused building, but Jaxson actually breathes a sigh of relief when he sees it. He may have lost everything else, but at least he still has this tiny slice of home.
Jaxson moves around the building, located under some long weeds and a pile of what looks like building refuse sits a small lock box. Jaxson enters his date of birth and the door opens, revealing a key. During this whole process, never once does Jaxson try to move Alaska from him.
The key opens a small door beside the large sliding door which is locked up tight with a chain and large padlock. As Jaxson enters, he looks at the place that is frighteningly familiar, but he never thought it would be used in such a way. When his father first bought him to this place and set the rules, Jaxson believed it was the biggest burden, but now it is a goddess sent. How situations can change so quickly.
Jaxson walks into the building, walking through the cavernous empty interior to the back section, two rooms, one containing a bed, the other near bare a few random stacked boxes, a small rundown, filthy bathroom and a small kitchenette with a few canned goods that he dropped off in his travels just to keep his father happy. There is a broken down old couch which has more stuffing on the outside than is contained inside the cushions.
Jaxson walks into the room with the bed, tearing off the dustcover and breaking the rest of the half broken frame, allowing the clean mattress to hit the floor. He deposits Alaska on the bed.
As soon as she loses contact, she wakes up once again. Staring at her surroundings with tears pouring down her pale and dirty face, Jaxson has no idea how she still has tears to cry, they haven’t had a drink of water in nearly forty-eight hours, her lips are dry and chapped and shriveled beyond recognition, her hair is a mess, the glossy sheen is gone appearing as lifeless as her hollow eyes.
"My heart, it hurts so much, it isn’t just broken, it is sharp shards tearing me apart. How can it hurt so much?"
Alaska massages her chest over the position of her heart, trying to ease it enough that she can breathe.
"It will get better, I promise"
Jaxson feels like he is making so many promises that he has no idea to see through to the end. Jax can’t look at Alaska any longer, it is breaking him apart. She looks on the outside how he feels on the inside. He moves toward the closet in the corner, there are very few items contained within, but at least he can pull on a pair of shorts and he grabs a large shirt to give to Alaska and a thin blanket.
Jaxson turns to Alaska, his blurry eyes clearing for a moment as he watches her, running to her side,
"I can’t do this Jax, I am sorry"
Alaska claws at her own heart. Fortunately, her wolf is so weak at this point, her claws are only an eighth of their usual length, barely leaving a flesh wound behind.
"You can’t leave me like this Alaska, you need to seek vengeance, you need to fight back"
Alaska stops her movement, her hands dropping to her side as she stares up at the ceiling above. Half the cork ceiling tiles are missing, revealing the heavy layer of dust on the few tiles still remaining and opening out to show the large distance to the tin roof overhead.
Alaska may have her weak moments, but her sense of justice is strong. If Jax can keep her alive with the promise of revenge, then he can only play on that for now.
Jax holds her hand until she falls into a fitful sleep once again.
Finally, he extricates himself from her grip, walking out and quietly shutting the door behind him. He collapses face first on the sofa, a big plume of dust erupting around him, but he couldn’t care less.
Finally the tears flow, finally the agony is released, he wants to scream, but he knows even at his weakest point he needs to be strong for her.
Alaska will survive for revenge.
Jaxson will survive to protect her.
*3 years later*"Alaska, I'm home"Jax’s voice reverberates around the cavernous space as he walks into the warehouse. It is unrecognizable from the empty, near rundown place that he walked into three years ago. It looks very much the same on the outside and anyone would still consider this an abandoned warehouse. Inside it is polar opposites.Of course, it wasn't a quick process and they have only put the final finishing touches on it recently. It was a massive effort to get it to where it is now, to get them to where they are now and it wasn’t a rapid incline from the near unlivable space to the wonderland that appears in front of him now.He receives no reply, not a single sound can be heard, his face tilts up and he takes a deep breath in."I know you are here, I can scent you"Jax’s eyes scan the once empty space that is now filled with training equipment, a set up that they never dreamed of having within the autumn pack. They use the upper space as much as the lower space. Wolve
Jax’s head tilts back toward the roof, trying to stretch out the tension, he has known for a longtime that this was coming and maybe Alaska is right, if they are ever going to be ready they are now. But he is finally comfortable in the life they have now. They may not have everything they used to have, they may only have each other, but that is all he needs.Jax is terrified of losing her and going head to head is classified as a suicide mission, but saying no will just result in her moving without him, which he will not allow.Jax looks at his meal, the tasty dish only moments before is dull and tasteless now and he can barely choke it down, but he shows none of that on the outside, pretending it is the most interesting thing in the world. Right now he needs a moment to think and doesn’t want to engage in this conversation. He needs the perfect words, but just like so many times before, when it comes to Alaska he is drawing a blank.Alaska doesn’t wait for an answer even though she w
The week passes quickly and Jaxson really does regret it, not because Alaska is out on a death-defying mission, not because she has delivered something so brilliant that he can’t possibly say no. It is because she is so deeply immersed in the planning process that she doesn’t do much except disappear into her room and then reappear to eat and work only.It is hard for him to adjust to the sudden loss of her as his constant companion. Even when she was in such a bad state, she was there. She didn't need to say anything. She didn't need to smile or give him any emotion. Just being there was enough. When they first arrived, when she was just laid out in her room for months on end. The only difference was that back then he had free access to look after her. Sometimes it was like she didn't even know he was there, but at least he could be close. But now it's different. Instead of hearing, silence or sobbing, now he can hear progress. He can feel her happiness at the process and it makes
Alaska eats her cereal so fast that she appears to be inhaling it, barely stopping to take a breath. She places her bowl on the sink before gripping Jaxson’s forearm and kissing his cheek."Only a quarter of who you are would still be a good man Jax"Alaska doesn’t wait for a reply as she practically skips out the door with a smile on her face and her emerald eyes shining with sinister ideas, her whole persona is out of place in her outfit.Jax just stares at her disappearing figure long after she is gone. She touches him so softly, she says all the right words, but he is well aware that she never intends for them to mean what he wants them to.Jax stares at the photo on the wall, one of the two remaining photos of their previous life. He could have had so much more if he had listened to his father, one of his many regrets."Stop it Torin, I am well aware that her heart will always be with you…"Jax stares at the smiling face of his best friend, Torin’s arms wrapped tightly around Ala
Jaxson looks at Alaska as she emerges from her bedroom. He has been up half the night, just sitting on the sofa staring at Alaska’s door like he used to do early in the piece, sleeping on that broken old sofa waiting for her nightmares.Sleeping with one eye closed, wanting to get to her before it got too bad. The sofa is new and a lot more comfortable now, but right now the anxiety is very much the same.Jaxson stares at Alaska’s neat clothing and glowing face, her small amount of makeup is impeccable. Her lips look soft and subtle with a tint of pink. She looks healthy. She looks glowing. She looks a long way off all the other times that she has presented herself in front of the five. Admittedly, it is not often that she has had to show herself in front of them. Jax has to go once a week, but Alaska has only been requested as little as once every six months. Alaska may have good breeding and come from good bloodlines, but they expect very little from a female beta blood who would s
*Three years earlier continued*The large black wolf skirts the edge of the summer pack, just as he is about to head to the main entrance to be allowed in by the border patrol, he has a strange feeling down his spine.He has been to the summer pack many times before. Technically, the alpha, Valen, is his uncle. He is a couple of times removed but they all like to play on it. At one time, in Jaxson’s great-great grandfather's time, this was all one pack. The seasons pack, Jaxson’s great-great grandfather had four sons, which was incredibly rare for an alpha. The sons were very close in age, one set of twins and two separate on either side. The season's pack was incredibly large, to the point where it was nearly too difficult to protect the borders. All the sons were very similar in abilities, which made it hard for him to choose who was going to take the pack.The only logical solution was to split the pack into four smaller pieces and allow each of his sons to have a pack of their own
Driving up to the summer pack now is much the same feeling as that first time he re-entered the summer pack and found out the depth of the betrayal. The people that he thought would be there for him, the ones that he considered family. The ones he considered good people. He thought it was bad then. But the more he learned, the more he thought about it, the worse it became. Jaxson's hands move without him releasing his grip in the slightest, the cheap plastic steering wheel making a sort of screeching sound under his hands. Alaska finally looks up from the radio and places a soft hand over his. "It is all going to be fine" Jaxson is like this every single time. It is like that same feeling of dread and clarity washes over him and then every time he has to swallow down all those intense feelings and smile at the scheming bastards that caused him to lose so much, the ones he actually went to as a savior were the ones that took it all away.He believed that this trip would help, but
Alaska just puts one sandal-clad foot in front of the other on the bitumen-paved driveway. Her hand brushes against Jax's large hand, grounding her just that little bit as hatred washes over her, it's so thick and fast. Sometimes it's a little harder to swallow down than others, but she manages to push it all into the pit of her stomach and put on her token fake smile. Back before all this, she didn't even know that a fake smile was a real thing she didn't understand what someone would even use such a thing for. She spent so much of her time smiling and having fun. No matter the workload or what life threw at her, she could still smile happily. Now it has just become a piece of her mask, a necessary item, better than any makeup at hiding the true feelings inside. A smile can hide a million truths. It is as necessary mask in her workplace as it is here. She looks up at the one dark-haired man that stands between his four golden blonde sons. There is no doubt that all five of them ar