Cravings and Silence

I started craving pickles and peanut butter. Not like I wanted them. I needed them. Like my bones were screaming for it. Woke up at 4 a.m. thinking about the smell of dill vinegar. Dreamed about dipping a pickle spear into a spoonful of that cheap, oily peanut butter from the 99¢ store. At work, the smell of onions made me run to the bathroom to puke. Came back, shaky, and just stared at the peanut butter jar in the pantry like it owed me money.

Rosa found me one night eating pickles straight from the jar, standing over the sink so the juice wouldn’t drip on my uniform.

“Twins,” she said. Not a question. A fact.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Didn’t answer.

She didn’t push. Just leaned in the doorway, arms crossed over her apron. “My sister carried twins. Ate chalk for three months. Real school chalk. Said her body felt empty, like it was screaming for minerals. Like it knew.”

I nodded. That’s it exactly. Not hunger. Like my insides were hollowed out and needed filling—with anything, everything.

That night I went to the store with $18. Bought bananas. Eggs. A block of yellow cheese. And a small jar of green olives. I don’t even like olives. But I remembered my mom eating them when she was pregnant with me. She’d pop one in her mouth and say, “Salty little hearts.” Like they were alive. Like they mattered. She would always tell me those stories wen I wz much younger.

I ate three in the parking lot, leaning against the bus stop bench. The brine burned my throat a little. But it felt like a thread pulling me back to her. Like she was still watching.

My stomach’s getting round now. Not huge. But if I stand sideways in the mirror, I see it. A soft curve under my skin. I wear three hoodies to work so no one notices. My hips ache when I walk. My lower back too. And my tits? Sore all the time. Like if I bump them on the counter, I almost cry.

But that’s not the worst part.

The worst part is no one to tell.

Leo kicked yesterday. Just a soft flutter low down. Like a moth tapping on glass. I was sitting on the edge of my mattress, tying my shoes, and—there it was. I held my breath. Didn’t move. Felt it again. And again. That’s him. Always quiet. Always calm. Like he’s checking in.

Nate? Rolled last night so hard I gasped. Felt like a fist turning inside me. Woke me up. That’s Nate. Already fighting for space. Already loud.

I wanted to call someone. Text Rosa. Say, “They’re moving.” But I didn’t. Because what would I say after that? “But I can’t keep them.” And I can’t handle the pity in her eyes. The “oh honey” voice. So I kept it to myself. Like always.

The clinic visits are the worst. Every morning at 7 a.m., I take two buses. Stand in that silent hallway with no windows. Let the nurse stick a needle in my hip. She’s got a small bird tattooed on her wrist. Never says much. But yesterday, after the shot, she handed me a granola bar.

“You look like you haven’t eaten,” she said.

I took it. Said thanks.

Then she looked at me real hard and said, “You don’t have to do this alone.”

I almost laughed. “Yeah, I do.”

She didn’t argue. Just nodded and walked away. Like she’s seen girls like me vanish before. Like I’m already a ghost.

At work, a customer left a note on the table: “You seem sad. Hope today gets better.” Twenty bucks tucked inside.

I put it in the cookie tin under my mattress. Now I’ve got $87. Not enough to run. But enough to buy time.

Last night, walking home, I saw him again. On a billboard on Crenshaw. Kai Sterling. Suit. Hair perfect. Smiling like he’s got the whole world figured out. Hand resting on some kid’s shoulder. AQUA West logo big and clean. Caption: “Clean Water. Stronger Future.”

I stopped dead. Just stared.

He looks nothing like me. Nothing like this life.

But his blood is in me. In them.

I touched my stomach under my hoodie. Whispered, “Your blood. But not your life.”

Because my life is pickles and $3 bus rides and hiding in plain sight. His is private cars and photo ops and a name people know.

We’re in the same city. Same bloodline. Different planets.

Back home, I boiled eggs. Sliced cheese. Ate in silence. Then I did something stupid. Opened my library laptop. Typed: “How to tell if it’s a boy or girl.”

Silly, right? But I clicked anyway.

One site said heart rate over 140 means it’s a girl.

I remembered the Doppler at the ultrasound.

Nate: 152. Fast. Fierce.  

Leo: 138. Steady. Quiet.

So Nate’s a girl. Leo’s a boy.

Of course. The fighter’s the girl. The watcher’s the boy.

I said their names out loud last night. In the dark.  

“Nate.”  

“Leo.”

Felt dangerous. Like saying it made them real. Made them mine. Like the universe might hear and come take them back.

But I didn’t care.

For one quiet minute, I let myself imagine them growing up. Nate arguing with teachers, raising her hand fast, smart and sharp. Leo dribbling a basketball in a cracked driveway, calm and focused. Both safe. Both loved.

Not “stillborn.”  

Not “non-viable.”  

Not “contract fulfilled.”

Just… mine.

I turned off the lamp. Lay back. Put both hands on my belly.

Two lives. One secret.

And silence so heavy it feels like a blanket.

But it’s my blanket.  

And I’ll keep them under it as long as I have to.

Even if no one else ever knows they existed.  

Even if the world says they don’t matter.  

I know.  

And that’s enough.

I check the cookie tin every night. Count the bills like a prayer. $87. Then $89 after a good tip. Then $92. It’s not much. But it’s mine. No one can take it if they don’t know it’s there.

I wash my hoodies twice a week so they don’t smell like grease or sweat. I comb my hair in the diner bathroom mirror. I make sure my shoes aren’t splitting at the seams. Because if I look like I’m falling apart, someone might notice. Someone might ask questions.

And I can’t afford questions.

Leo moves when it rains. Nate kicks when I’m stressed. I’ve started talking to them in the shower, quiet, so the water covers my voice. “You’re safe,” I say. “I’ve got you.” It feels stupid. But it helps.

Sometimes I wonder if Kai ever thinks about them. If he lies awake at night like I do, wondering what if. But then I see him on a billboard or a commercial, calm and controlled, and I know he doesn’t.

Well, they are mine so its my duty to protect the ones I love.

So I keep eating the pickles. Keep walking the extra blocks to avoid certain streets. Keep my head down. Keep my secret close.

Because love doesn’t pay rent.  

But it keeps you breathing.  

And right now, that’s all I need.

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