9. Keel over

When I ring the bell at Tim's house, I wonder why I didn't stop by sooner. Why did I go back to the lake first when the evidence I left for Tim in the past was never really discussed with him? I shift my focus from why to how now. I intend to get confirmation that Tim fully stands behind me and believes me. Who knows what we can achieve if we work together on time travel.

When Tim opens the door his face is pale, he has bags under his eyes and he looks serious. I totally forget what my intentions are, all attention is focused on how bad Tim looks.

“Tim! What’s wrong?”

“Come in, I have something to tell you,” he replies, stepping aside to let me in. I feel nervous, I've never seen Tim like this.

Tim's look gets even more serious as he starts talking, “Yesterday I went to the hospital for an examination. Various inflammatory values have been found in my blood, and my liver, kidney and intestinal functions are reduced.”

“Wow, that's pretty intense. How is that possible all of a sudden?” I say shocked. I know blood tests show this when someone is seriously ill.

“I've been having vague symptoms for some time now. I'm losing weight, I'm very tired, I barely sleep, my joints hurt, I cough up blood …”

“Tim! How long has this been? Why didn't you tell me before?”

“I began to feel sick around the time you returned to the lake. I didn't want to burden you with my illness while you were already going through so much. Besides, I didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with me at the time. But the symptoms kept getting worse.” A bad feeling creeps up on me about Tim's illness and my time travel. But I immediately put it off.

“Have you been diagnosed?” I ask concerned.

“No, despite the poor outcomes and serious signs, the doctors don't quite understand what's causing it.”

I keep looking at Tim without being able to say a word. My friend is ill, and if his functions deteriorate, he could become fatally ill. I can't bear to lose anyone else, especially someone so close to me. I can't handle this, it's too much for me. And at the same time I feel bad. Because it’s hard for me to put my own grief and mourning aside to be there for Tim. Tears well up in my eyes. Why can't I just be empathetic to him?

“It's okay, Alex, whatever happens …” says Tim comfortingly. I fight against myself. It's ridiculous that Tim comforts me when he feels so sick! I'm trying to form words in my head to show my support for him. But I only experience a black hole. There's nothing there. I should be able to say something nice! But instead I just feel panic. My breathing speeds up, I feel like I can't get any air.

“Alex! it's okay, just keep breathing,” Tim talks to me encouragingly, “I think you're having a panic attack and you're hyperventilating.” I try to understand his words, but they don't arrive. Everything turns black before my eyes. And then I collapse.

Shortly after, I open my eyes. I’m stretched out on the couch.

“W-what happened?” I ask confused.

“You fainted.” Out of shame, I try to sit up as quickly as possible. I feel so stupid.

But Tim pushes me back, “No, get some rest first, we don't want you to pass out again.”

“But …”

“No buts.” I sink back into the pillows in frustration. Stupid, now it's all about me again, while I want to be there for Tim. But I do feel calmer.

“I'm so sorry, Tim. I think it is terrible news. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No, I wouldn't know what. I don't even know what I can do about it myself …” says Tim sadly.

***

I had to get away. For the first time I go to the lake to relax. Maybe I should have used this place all along to really grieve. Winter is coming to an end, and you can feel it in the milder temperatures. I have such a need to see life again, when the trees grow leaves and nature awakens. Maybe I should stop wanting to time travel to change the past in small steps. Maybe I should go back to the root of all problems, back to the absolute beginning. I would like to leave the here-and-now behind as soon as possible and let myself be carried away at lightning speed by the rainbow colours.

The Past

I look at my reflection in the water. A blond-haired boy looks back at me. Gosh, I'm still young, barely 4 years old. But wait a minute. Present-me can remember being terrified of water at that age. How come I play so calmly at the water's edge?!

“Alex hun, don't you want a drink?” my mother calls to me. Together with a woman unknown to me, she is sitting on a picnic blanket some distance away. I am not thirsty and continue to play by throwing small pebbles into the water.

“Don't you find it scary that he plays so close to the water? He hasn't had swimming lessons yet, has he?” I hear the unknown woman ask my mother.

“Oh no, Alex is a water fanatic, he loves nothing more than to play with water,” my mother answers, ”He's careful, so not much can go wrong. By the way, he has his first swimming lesson tomorrow, he is already looking forward to it.”

Present-me is completely confused. This is not how I know myself. I have gone back to this past to make me even more afraid of water, so that even with all the loving help of my beloved, I would never ever get into a boat. But this is even worse, I'm not even a little afraid of water. How is this possible?! As far as I know, and my parents have always confirmed that, I have always been afraid of water, and I didn't even want to go near swimming lessons.

The little boy, the strange young version of myself, continues to play close to the water. He sometimes even puts his hands in the water to try to fish out a pebble. It's bizarre to be him, and to feel what he feels. He feels so happy and so calm. And at the same time my present-self feels distraught. I have to make sure that he is at least as afraid of water again, the boat accident must be prevented.

I can't force my younger self to feel fear, that doesn't work. The need to enjoy the water is too great. I can't even move myself away from the water. Present-me hates doing what I intend to do, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I feel the resistance to the movement, and yet I succeed. I push myself into the water with a thud. The unexpected movement takes the boy by surprise. He opens his mouth in shock, just as his head disappears underwater. The water sloshes in through his mouth. It's a horrible feeling.

My younger self is terrified. His powerlessness causes him to panic. What have I done to myself?

Then I feel two hands pulling me out of the water and get me to safety at the water's edge.

“Alex! Alex baby!” my mother cries. She holds my limp body and tries to push the water out of me. Her actions take effect, I start to cough which frees me from the water in my lungs. My young self begins to cry dramatically. It's almost more a scream than the sound of crying.

I shriek, “I want to go away! Away away away! Away from the water! Never again near the water!” My mother hugs me tightly but nothing can calm me down. It's only when she picks me up and rushes away from the water’s edge that the scream-crying turns into soft sobbing. It worked, I'm petrified of water …

The Here and Now

When the rainbow colours take me back to the bench by the lake, I cringe in misery. I don't get it, I don't get how my past was different. How could I not be afraid of water?! I can't remember anything but the fear, though I've never understood where it came from. Then suddenly a realization sinks in. I now know where my fear of water comes from ... I created it myself … But it would mean that time travel only just started my fear. But that's impossible right?! Even though the logic is barely comprehensible, I realize that by time travel I have created the past with serious consequences for the present.

Then another realization hits mercilessly. Tim's inexplicable illness didn't start until I started time travel. And the longer I time travel, the worse it gets. Is it like the fear of water? Have I created it?! My head is trying diligently to find other explanations. But my intuition is in line with my bad suspicion.

***

“Alex, don't think like that!” Tim says startled when I explain my suspicion to him. When I got back I went straight to him.

“But the thing is, I've also caused my own fear of water,” I contradict him.

“No, no, please don't carry that guilt with you too …” his voice sounds desperate. But I won't listen, I won't believe that it’s not my burden to carry. Time travel clearly has nasty consequences, it disrupts something in the universe. This must be it.

Tim pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me tightly.

“No, it can't be so …” he whispers. He rests his head on my shoulder to be even closer to me. His touch confuses me. He surrenders completely to our embrace. It feels so close, so intimate. He's done the only thing that can distract me from my bad suspicion. I press my lips to his neck, lovingly and gently. With no ulterior motives other than to be even closer to him. A shiver goes through me when I feel Tim doing the same, he also presses a kiss on my neck. Then he runs his hand through my hair. We let go of each other for a moment and look each other in the eye. Between us there is despair, but also something else. At the same time we bend towards each other so that our foreheads come to rest against each other. It's like everything that ever stopped us from being intimate is gone. Slowly our lips move towards each other.

But then suddenly Tim collapses and drops to the ground. He loses consciousness. He lies on the ground as his arms and legs go into a hard spasm and his back stretches in an arc of spasm. Then he slackens and for a moment he lies lifeless. But soon his body begins to shake. I quickly grab a pillow from the couch and put it under his head. I've never actually experienced it, but this is clearly an epileptic seizure. I wait anxiously for his body to stop shaking. It seems to last for hours but in reality is only a few minutes. I feel powerless. Not sure if I should call the ambulance. Is Tim going to make it out of here? The shaking stops, and his body lies deeply unconscious on the floor. I push him on his side because his breathing starts to make a snoring sound. He is having trouble breathing. Tim looks so vulnerable. And I feel a huge fear that this is the moment I'm going to lose him.

“Tim, Tim, please don’t leave me too …” The guilt is back in full force. Because of me, Tim is in serious danger. And he can no longer keep me from all the bad suspicions that are now haunting my head.