Chapter Three

Chapter Three

I kept my eyes firmly out of the window as we drove to the church. I couldn’t bring myself to look forward and see Dad's coffin. As we passed, random people on the street would stop and look on with sympathetic glances. Eventually, I had to turn away from those, too and just started down at my hands in my lap, my fingers twisting and turning in an attempt to distract myself. 

All too soon, though, we pulled in, and the car came to a stop, and we got out. Cory, along with my Uncle and a few cousins, stood and waited for everyone else to head inside. They were his pallbearers. 

‘Sarah, you can go inside’. Mum told her sternly, but politely. She didn’t argue; she headed in with other members of the family. The faint sound of music started inside the church, and I reached out to wrap my arm through Mum's. We were going to support each other. I finished, looked up and watched as Dad's coffin was slid out the back, and the guys grabbed the handles, before they started the short walk inside too. I followed behind, clinging to mum, both of us snifflingly and wiping away fresh tears. 

As we passed friends, family and other people who had come to pay their respects to a great man, I kept my gaze firmly forward, not wanting to see all the… the pity on their faces. Sure, I had Annie and Cory, but biologically, I was an orphan now. My parents were gone. 

Making it to our seats, I stood next to Sarah, leaving a gap for Cory, and Mum stood next to me. They placed Dad’s coffin down in the centre, and my brother took a moment before patting the box and coming to stand with us. 

The priest raised his hands, signalling for us to sit and begin the service. 

‘We are here today to honour the life of Benjamin James. A great man, a loyal friend, a loving husband and a devoted father…’

***

The service was going well, but every time someone new got up to speak about how amazing my dad was, the harder it became to sit there and listen. Not because what they were saying was wrong or anything like that, but because it was true. He was THAT amazing and kind and the best man I had ever known. 

…which made it harder every time I thought about the fact that he was gone. Forever. 

Suddenly, that all too familiar feeling of panic and anxiety returned, and I was finding it hard to breathe. My hand flew to my chest, and I tried to take deep breaths in and out. Mum noticed and leaned over, asking if I was ok. I just nodded, lying, not wanting to worry or distract her. 

In…out. In… out. In…out. In…out. 

It wasn’t working. I felt like I was suffocating! I stood up, staring at the people around me. My dad's best friend, Tony, stopped mid-speech, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me. It wasn’t helping the panic and anxiety attack that was currently in full swing. 

‘Piper? Are you ok?’ He asked, sympathy and concern evident in his tone. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I stumbled out of the row and bolted for the doors, apologising over and over as I went. 

As soon as I was outside, and the cold, fresh air whipped my face, I felt like I could truly breathe again. I closed my eyes and just stood there, taking deep breaths, until I felt like I wasn’t struggling anymore. I didn’t even turn around or open my eyes when I heard the door to the church open and close behind me. 

‘Piper?’ It was Cory. ‘Are you ok?’ 

‘No’. I answered honestly, sniffling softly. 

‘I thought your panic attacks had stopped?’ I suffered from them very, very briefly when I was younger, triggered by bullying at school, but thankfully, after a while, they went away. After Dad got diagnosed, they returned. 

‘They did’. I told him simply. Finally, I opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder, where he still stood. ‘Why did you follow me?’ 

‘Because I wanted to make sure you were ok’. I just huffed and shook my head. 

‘Well, no! I’m not ok! That's my dad in there. Hes.. he’s gone. How can I ever be ok?!’ My voice was loud and shaky.

‘Well… no, obviously. Come on, let's go back in’. He grabbed my hand, but I shook it off. ‘Pipes?’ 

‘I’m not going back in there. I can’t. I can’t handle it, Cory. You go’. I told him, before making my way over to the bench situated under a tree. I hugged myself and rubbed my arms, trying to keep warm. Even with a cardigan, I was freezing. I heard him sigh, and he walked over to me, taking off his blazer and offering it to me. 

‘Here. You’ll catch a cold’. I wanted to be independent and refuse, but I really was cold! I took it from him and thanked him quietly before putting it on. As I slid my arms in, the warmth made me shiver more, but it was nice and comforting…and it smelled like him. He sat down next to me and pulled me close, rubbing my back. I felt safe in his arms again, and I couldn’t stop the tears that had been building up behind my eyes, blurring my vision from breaking free, and I let out a loud sob. He ‘’shhh’’ed me and just held me tighter as I cried in his arms. 

I wasn’t even sure how long we stayed there like that, but it was long enough that when I finally wiped my wet cheeks and looked up, a few people had started to leave the church. They looked over at us, but I just looked away again. 

I was tired of seeing the same expression on people's faces. 

Sympathy. 

Pity 

Compassion.

Concern. 

…and a million other things. 

I just closed my eyes and kept my head on Cory's chest while he continued to comfortably rub my back. I heard someone's footsteps on the gravel as they approached, but paid them no attention;

‘Are you coming?’ I heard Sarah’s familiar shrill voice. Not an ounce of understanding in it. 

‘I’m gonna stay here with Piper for a bit’. He told her. His warm, loving tone was the complete opposite of hers. God knows why he’s even with her! She mumbled something that I didn’t quite hear before her footsteps retreated. ‘We can stay here as long as you need’. He told me. I held him tighter, good because I had no intention of moving right now…