Are they supposed to be forgotten?
Forgiven for all those times when tears drowned those eyes.
Those sleepless nights all alone
Lying on the bed with the stained pillows.
Crying and laughing and crying again
For the fate that has chosen
A life that never ends.
****
I woke up to the flash of bright light falling on my closed eyelids. The urge to open them and see what's happening was immense but the strange heaviness that possessed them made it impossible for me to do so. Perhaps I could use my hands to help me but alas they were tied up but not on top of my head like before. Instead, they were painfully arched back and held together with something that had severe sharp teeth for grip and the more I tried to struggle, the more my hands bled. My legs were in the same condition.
Needless to say, I was tied up with zip ties.
Slowly parting my lips, I tried to call for help but was soon interrupted by the inevitable reality. No one will come to rescue me because I had no one. I didn't know where Liza was or what happened to her but if she is here then I am not going to leave without her. If Liza is being treated worse than me, then I wanted to be treated worse than her because I deserve it. She was never supposed to get caught in my shit. I should have known better. I should have known that my life won't ever be better. It can only go worse.
The bang of a heavy metal rod from one corner of the room almost made me scream. I sucked in a deep breath to push the urge to bawl my eyes out. If there is one thing that life taught me then it's controlling my emotions on the outside. All of them who hurt me just wanted a reaction from me to satisfy their sick need for power and I would be wrong if I said that the monster in this room didn't want the same.
The shrill cry of the rod being dragged forward, closer and closer to me made my skin crawl with goosebumps. I wanted to hide, I wanted to run away but I couldn't. The feeling of being trapped was not new to me, neither was fear.
Finally, he stopped in front me with his sharp gaze pricking my soul and said the words that froze my whole being.
You've lost some weight yet you look as beautiful as the first day I met you. It was at that moment when the drowning waves of dread settled on me. I was too busy to notice anything except for the burn in my hands and legs. Especially because I was not allowed the advantage of my sight so there was nothing for me to deduce. Not even my attire.
There was nothing much to what I could feel on my skin. Perhaps a flimsy lingerie with a net embroidery which itched every time I moved. My eyes were undoubtedly blindfolded by a piece of cloth tightly wound around my head. Thankfully, my mouth was not gagged or sealed while I was made to sit on the chair with both of my legs tied to the legs of the chair. Such a compromising position made me feel more vulnerable than all that time when I was bound to the bed, unable to move.
To me, it all seemed useless. Especially the fact that he blinded me. What else was left for me to discover? I knew his name, I knew his face but most importantly, I knew the devil sheathed underneath that calm façade. Unless it was just for his pleasure, a game.
He lifted up his head towards the sky and closed his eyes while smirking happily at his achievements and the ruins that he has caused. "Do you smell that? It's like the smell of a new book, a new chapter, Roza." He turned towards me and looked me in the eye.
"A new game."
The rough and warm touch of his hand traced the lump of gulp as it slithered down my neck. He knew exactly what was going on in my mind because he planned it all beforehand and everything was going exactly as he wanted. I don't struggle or fight back because I know that it is useless. He has everything he needs to pull me down on my knees. I didn't want to admit it, but I was at awe by the accuracy of every decision he mastered and applied.
It's true that I don't struggle but that didn't make him give me the freedom to control my body. He had it all. Took it from me, made his own and ruled it. A huge part of the fear that consumed me most of the time was the inescapable future that lay ahead. Sooner or later it will come, I know it. He will force himself on me but that seems like the easy way and very much predictable
I might not know Dimitri very well but I knew enough to assume that every action of his is calculative and unpredictable. He will most possibly come up with a way to make me follow his demands and orders like he always says he would. All the doors will be closed for me then but hopefully, somewhere I will find a small hole to squeeze through towards freedom with Liza by my side.
The loud bang of the metal rod or stick made me jump with fear. I didn't want to look so helpless, but he wanted me to, and he succeeded. His hand slowly grazed my skin and descended my throat until it finally reached the thin strap of the lingerie on my shoulder. His thumb hooked underneath the strap and tugged at it yet not removing it off my shoulder. It made me realize the terrible trap I had fallen into. One strong tug and my chest would be completely bare to him for his eyes to devour. Yet he waited and teased like he always loves too.
Roza lets play.
Bang... Bang... BANG! The deafening slam of the metal rod on the cold hard floor shook me every time he slammed it down. Sometimes he would do so with such force that the ground beneath would shiver under his wrath. Even that unmoving smirk on his face screamed volumes than his words or actions did. "I remember the first time I saw you. With that small little smile and those big teary eyes, you looked so fragile and broken. Your need to hide everything behind that pretty face was what drew me closer to you." His calloused fingers slowly dragged from my right shoulder to my left as he came by and stood behind me. I had no idea where this was headed to or what he wanted it to head to. His words confused me more by each passing second and no matter what, I couldn't find any memories of what he claimed had happened. "It was Christmas Eve. You and your family came to our house for dinner. Shy and quiet with your head bowed down by an invisi
Maybe it was the close proximity I shared with him or perhaps it was the poor ventilation in the dark empty room but whatever it was, I couldn't breathe any more. It's like at that moment I didn't know how to. The ability to concentrate or focus on anything was absolutely impossible when that taunting piece of past dangled in front of my eyes so hauntingly. For a moment it almost seemed like an illusion, something my mind had concocted out of its own accord in such a stressful and panicking situation. But... I wanted it to be a lie, I hoped it was and so the urge to touch and feel and believe that polaroid's true presence, with slightly yellowing edges, was immense. At the same time, I wanted it nowhere near me. I wanted to burn it, to tear it into bits and pieces, to destroy it because it triggered a longforgottenor rather suppressed memory that I never wanted to resurface up again. Say cheese!!! That sickly sweet voice rang in my ears and tore t
"Say cheese!" My mother who seemed unusually excited chimed in her shrill voice to grab the attention of the room full of people, standing in scattered small clusters, as she took pictures of them and their loud smiles. A moment captured in time forever, a memory which would hardly ever be recalled again but it succeeded in achieving what she wanted. To show how happy and silly we were. The truth? Not so much. That was the point. These pictures, these happy smiles, these parties, it has always been the point. To avoid suspicion, to act normal, to blend in. Getting people's affirmations felt like having a subconscious conscience where everything they did was justified, and they knew that if something ever happened then they will always be supported by these people who didn't know the harsh reality of their true faces. She tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as for a moment her facade broke and with that still pearly white smile on her
The cold touch of something stroking my bare arm rose a trail of goosebumps in its wake and left me shivering. It was a moment of oblivion, a welcome one since I didn't know where I was, who I was with. At that moment the man with the green eyes didn't exist and neither did his unthinkable and unpredictable plans saved for me. This stage in between consciousness and unconscious was the most relief I could possibly have and live in and although it lasted for a few seconds, I was left with the yearning for more before I opened my eyes and faced the inevitable reality of being caged in the arms of my captor. The warmth of his breath fanned my bare neck, shuddering the wisps of my unkempt hair back and forth. I dared not to breathe at all and clenched my eyes shut in the hopes of falling into the darkness of sleep again, but it was all in vain. I heard him smirk behind me as his ice-cold fingers kept trailing and drawing figures on my arm which I couldn't quite understand.
Liza. A shiver ran down my spine as I realized how much I miss her. The shine in her eyes every time she made her favourite chocolate filled cookies and then ate almost all of them because she loved them so much. How she always talked about doing crazy things to her hair but settled for the least ridiculous option. The way she knew her way around everything and never really failed. Oblivious of the charm she had and the light she spread. The first person who stepped into my life and made me realize that all people are not the same. That there is more to the world outside my cage. The first person for whom I almost opened the door. A girl who didn't care about why I was silent. She respected my privacy and understood boundaries better than anyone. She never pushed too hard neither did she let me get through things myself. She just always knew what to do in situations where nothing could be done. Unlike me. I wish I could say that it w
I was not in control. From the moment I met him, I never was. He had this twisted charm that made everything work in his favour always, or maybe he was so stubborn that everything just curled under his unrelenting clench. A man so intransigent, lost to the reasoning of right and wrong, and in control. The numbness was all that I could feel and welcome as I let myself drift into the unknown harmony that controlled me; that I have never heard before yet played so smoothly like it was a part of me. A version of me I knew better than anyone. A version of me that nobody knew. It's funny how time can exist, freeze, move forward, backward, and then forward again. Suddenly it doesn't exist at all. What's left is an irreplaceable shadow that doesn't reoccur ever again. It's always the first and the last, yet we like to pretend that it's the same the next time even though it will never be the same. The exact same shadow that once was created is
I was not quite awake when tears started streaming down my cheeks, making me wince at the harsh reality of what's happening. I didn't want this, I don't want this. I just want this to be over with. The urge to even breathe had left my body as I cried uncontrollably and hugged a pillow closer to my chest to shut the bleeding hole in my chest. It was empty, and I wanted everything to just end right then and there. So much pain, it was unbearable. You have to stay strong. As much as I wanted to stop crying, I couldn't. It didn't make me feel weak but instead, I felt free of the bonds that held everything together for so long. I wanted Liza by my side no matter what and I wanted her safe. Whatever has been happening has gone for too long, and I was over it. The sudden surge of pulsating adrenaline made me sit up as my eyes sprang open, and my hands rubbed my tears away. I was done. Heaving deeply, I tried to muster up all my strength and got out of bed to the bat
I hated the way his lips slyly twisted into a smirk. Hands in his pockets and form leaning against the door frame of the room he came out of while his eyes shining like the scales of a snake stared at me intensely, enjoying the situation that has come forward as a perfect opportunity to toy with me. It's funny how delusional I was to consider him a friend and let him stay over the night, meet Liza, and wreck my life from the shadows. Ivan turned out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life. "Is our poor little Rosie lost in this huge mansion? This place is marvellous isn't it?" He pushed himself off the door frame and started walking deeper into the house. A sigh of relief was just about to leave my lips when he stopped midway and turned his head to the side slightly dropping enough hints that it was far from over. I followed his footsteps as he walked in front of me slowly, taking his sweet time to enjoy the uncomfortable heavine