"Say cheese!" My mother who seemed unusually excited chimed in her shrill voice to grab the attention of the room full of people, standing in scattered small clusters, as she took pictures of them and their loud smiles. A moment captured in time forever, a memory which would hardly ever be recalled again but it succeeded in achieving what she wanted.
To show how happy and silly we were. The truth? Not so much.
That was the point. These pictures, these happy smiles, these parties, it has always been the point. To avoid suspicion, to act normal, to blend in. Getting people's affirmations felt like having a subconscious conscience where everything they did was justified, and they knew that if something ever happened then they will always be supported by these people who didn't know the harsh reality of their true faces.
She tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as for a moment her facade broke and with that still pearly white smile on her face she spotted me and looked at me in a certain way which I was too familiar with.
I stood out like a sore thumb here. In my white dress, neatly pleated hair, emotionless face, quiet and alone. It didn't come to me, naturally or unnaturally. As if that piece was missing from me, snatched away. I couldn't bring myself to even smile back at the several smiling faces that would often questioningly look at me and perhaps wonder what was wrong with this sunken-eyed girl with a dark cloud all around her. Something that repelled everyone around.
I turned away and walked to another room in search of a safe place where the chatter wasn't so loud, and I was invisible to the prying eyes of the people whose attention was on people other than me even if it was for one day. A day that I always looked forward to for reasons not common to most.
Upstairs looked like a good option but an option I was not provided. My grounds were strictly restricted to the three rooms downstairs occupied by the people to show that I was doing okay. I am fine. So that the screams or quiet whispers, whatever reached them were wrong and just something they might have imagined or heard were false tales.
The living room, the study, and the dining room.
None of them were empty yet the only available options I could choose from. Walking into the study room felt overwhelming because I was never allowed there. It was a mixed feeling of cautiousness and something new that I hardly ever felt. Peace.
I walked over to the windowsill and sat on the tufted cushion with a soft sigh on my lips. Pulling my knees up to my chest, trying to warm my cold self as the night glistened outside in the moonlight, on the snowflakes that drifted softly down on the earth. Quietly, making sure to not bother anyone. It must be cold outside too.
Their voices still loud and clear, it was hard to be alone. Well, I was never really alone, and yet I always was. Their eyes always on mine some way or the other. Making sure I didn't break the rules, making sure I did what I was told to do, making sure I kept quiet, making sure I pretended when they wanted me to.
I was good at pretending. Always have been. Like right now as I pretended to walk perfectly fine with a sprained ankle, bruises and cuts on my back, arms and a harmless, perfectly reserved, stoic face devoid of any emotions. I'd give myself that. I was good at pretending.
Sometimes if I tried enough, just hard enough...I could even pretend that I wasn't here.
A deep sigh closed eyes and I could pretend. The voices died down around me as I breathed and let myself breathe as deeply as I could. Feeling the chill cocoon, hold me in its prickling yet gentle caress. I was there. Alone. With no one around. Just me.
Only if that was true.
I didn't notice the stranger that stood in that room, staring at me with eyes sharper than the ones I was used to. A mind so dark and twisted that in a way you can't deny the genius his dexterous abilities because the plans he had swirling in his head from the moment he laid eyes on me was something no one could foresee.
The cold touch of something stroking my bare arm rose a trail of goosebumps in its wake and left me shivering. It was a moment of oblivion, a welcome one since I didn't know where I was, who I was with. At that moment the man with the green eyes didn't exist and neither did his unthinkable and unpredictable plans saved for me. This stage in between consciousness and unconscious was the most relief I could possibly have and live in and although it lasted for a few seconds, I was left with the yearning for more before I opened my eyes and faced the inevitable reality of being caged in the arms of my captor. The warmth of his breath fanned my bare neck, shuddering the wisps of my unkempt hair back and forth. I dared not to breathe at all and clenched my eyes shut in the hopes of falling into the darkness of sleep again, but it was all in vain. I heard him smirk behind me as his ice-cold fingers kept trailing and drawing figures on my arm which I couldn't quite understand.
Liza. A shiver ran down my spine as I realized how much I miss her. The shine in her eyes every time she made her favourite chocolate filled cookies and then ate almost all of them because she loved them so much. How she always talked about doing crazy things to her hair but settled for the least ridiculous option. The way she knew her way around everything and never really failed. Oblivious of the charm she had and the light she spread. The first person who stepped into my life and made me realize that all people are not the same. That there is more to the world outside my cage. The first person for whom I almost opened the door. A girl who didn't care about why I was silent. She respected my privacy and understood boundaries better than anyone. She never pushed too hard neither did she let me get through things myself. She just always knew what to do in situations where nothing could be done. Unlike me. I wish I could say that it w
I was not in control. From the moment I met him, I never was. He had this twisted charm that made everything work in his favour always, or maybe he was so stubborn that everything just curled under his unrelenting clench. A man so intransigent, lost to the reasoning of right and wrong, and in control. The numbness was all that I could feel and welcome as I let myself drift into the unknown harmony that controlled me; that I have never heard before yet played so smoothly like it was a part of me. A version of me I knew better than anyone. A version of me that nobody knew. It's funny how time can exist, freeze, move forward, backward, and then forward again. Suddenly it doesn't exist at all. What's left is an irreplaceable shadow that doesn't reoccur ever again. It's always the first and the last, yet we like to pretend that it's the same the next time even though it will never be the same. The exact same shadow that once was created is
I was not quite awake when tears started streaming down my cheeks, making me wince at the harsh reality of what's happening. I didn't want this, I don't want this. I just want this to be over with. The urge to even breathe had left my body as I cried uncontrollably and hugged a pillow closer to my chest to shut the bleeding hole in my chest. It was empty, and I wanted everything to just end right then and there. So much pain, it was unbearable. You have to stay strong. As much as I wanted to stop crying, I couldn't. It didn't make me feel weak but instead, I felt free of the bonds that held everything together for so long. I wanted Liza by my side no matter what and I wanted her safe. Whatever has been happening has gone for too long, and I was over it. The sudden surge of pulsating adrenaline made me sit up as my eyes sprang open, and my hands rubbed my tears away. I was done. Heaving deeply, I tried to muster up all my strength and got out of bed to the bat
I hated the way his lips slyly twisted into a smirk. Hands in his pockets and form leaning against the door frame of the room he came out of while his eyes shining like the scales of a snake stared at me intensely, enjoying the situation that has come forward as a perfect opportunity to toy with me. It's funny how delusional I was to consider him a friend and let him stay over the night, meet Liza, and wreck my life from the shadows. Ivan turned out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life. "Is our poor little Rosie lost in this huge mansion? This place is marvellous isn't it?" He pushed himself off the door frame and started walking deeper into the house. A sigh of relief was just about to leave my lips when he stopped midway and turned his head to the side slightly dropping enough hints that it was far from over. I followed his footsteps as he walked in front of me slowly, taking his sweet time to enjoy the uncomfortable heavine
I felt suffocated. Bound inside this body, I felt nothing but a stranger as I struggled to sustain my sanity. The pounding ache in my head didn't help either as I blinked slowly, trying to understand and comprehend the words that Ivan just said. What did he say again? I heard something, I saw his lips move, but the piercing static in my ears didn't let those words swim through. Everything was wrong. Everything was so wrong, and I wanted nothing more than this to end. I wanted this to be over with yet no matter how much I clawed from the inside of this body, this reality, I couldn't. Suppressing the urge to puke my guts out, I gulped deeply. His eyes noticing my every move not bothering me at all as it would have. "What did you say?" Tricked by my spiralling head, I could hardly catch what he said. A poor attempt from my brain, trying to hide the truth, protecting me from what really is by distorting and distracting the present.
He seemed unaffected. Until he broke out into the most ridiculously hysterical laughter I had ever heard. The humour in my answer was lost to me even though I knew the reason why it shouldn't have been my answer at all. "Boy, you truly should be a part of our family. You aren't even half sane as I thought you would be! My brother sure does have a great taste." With a grin still lingering on his face, he got up from the seat and walked towards one of the locked cupboards in the room and tried to jiggle the handles only to come up with nothing but disappointment. "How many years are you-" I didn't need to finish the question as he cut me off and replied without any delay. "Thirty minutes." Confusion clouded my mind as I frowned at the answer I received. Maybe he didn't get my answer after all and thought I was asking something else until it dawned on me. They were non-identical twins. Things made a lot of sense now and more believabl
Things were eerily quiet. The record playingP. Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers did nothing to calm my nerves as I was made to sit in the same office for the second time that day after dinner. It wasn't Ivan this time but the devil himself who had his eyes closed and back rested on the majestic chair on the other side of the desk. His fingertips on both hands touching each other in a poise of calibrate relaxation. I watched on edge as his chest barely rose up and down, making the slightest movement, assuring me that he wasn't a statue nor a figment of my imagination. He was very much here, in this room, with no one but me. I have never been able to understand his actions before or predict them successfully but this time I didn't need much to assess why this present situation has come by. From the moment he found me with Ivan in this room with the closed door, he hasn't said much except for the general direction of how things should happen wh