Chapter 4

MARIA’S POV

“Maria Goretti was born on October 16, 1890 Corinaldo, Province of Ancona, Marche, Kingdom of Italy.” I paused and mulled overcon what I was saying.

It was time for Spiritual reading and I was the one to take that day. The last day to me taking my perpetual vows. Ironically, Maria Goretti was my name sake and there was more to it obviously. She also died by forceful rape and she was stabbed fourteen times to death.

Everyone’s eyes were on me. My whole body was stiff. It was a month now after the grotesque incident. Though I told no one about it. It was too nefarious and stigmatic, so I was better off without telling them.

“Maria!”Mother superior's voice sparked my consciousness back to life. I gasped and looked around as everyone peered up at me, waiting for me to continue. My hands were wet.

“I’m sorry” I smiled. Yes it was fake, very fake, but it was a smile.

Abbess’ gaze directed at me and I knew she felt something was off. I managed to clasp myself together and finished up with my spiritual reading. Talking about Maria Goretti made me remember vividly my own incident. My whole body grossed me out as I remembered how the anonymous rapist’s hands caressed all over my body. The loathful feeling!

I sauntered down the aisle as soon as I finished up with spiritual reading and headed straight to my room. As soon as I entered my room, I slammed my door very firmly and grasped the down part of my tunic firmly. My whole body was fluttering and my teeth rattled on each other. Tears wadded out of my eyes as flashbacks of the dreadful moment didn’t cease coming back to my memory repeatedly.

How do I even forget this!?

How do I get over it!?

Am I even sure I will be able to forgive the man that raped me like Maria Goretti did?

Various thoughts and guilt clinged to my heart. I slowly slid to the floor with my back colliding on the door. I took off my coaf and laid it on the floor. My eyes were weak and sore. Ever since that day, I didn’t remain the same. I always felt impure to enter the chapel. As much as I prayed the rosary repeatedly, I still felt impure. I wasn’t so sure anymore I would be able to take my perpetual vows.

***

“Good evening sisters. I sincerely can not tell you how happy I am that tomorrow, you will become complete Nuns. Tomorrow, you all are going to take your perpetual vows.” Mother Superior said.

She stood in the center, close to the altar. We sat on the pews with smiles on our faces, except my face. I tried to apt in, but I just couldn’t.

“… I trust that by the power of God and the blessed virgin Mary that you all have remained pure for this course and I really admire you all. It reminds me of my time” Her words grasped my attention. I was lost in between the speech but got hooked up again with this.

My heart pummeled so fast and hard. I felt so uncomfortable seated there. I started feeling very dizzy. Becoming a nun had been my dream since I was a child. But how could I live that dream with this guilt!?

I wanted to be a nun, a virgin!

I kept myself pristine and holy for twenty years.

Why did God permit it to happen to me!?

I felt guilt and disdain. Anger and chagrin. As much as I tried my best to come to the fact that I wasn't the cause of my predicament and the disgusting incident, I still couldn’t rest my conscience.

My head began to bang and my eyes blur. Everything around me was spinning and breezy like a tornado. I suddenly tottered and collapsed…

“Maria!” This shook my subconscious. I ogled around with my eyes flipping close and open. My whole body was weak like a vegetable.

“Mamma Mia! What happened!?” Calista rushed and grabbed my right hand while I laid on the floor close to the convent entrance.

I coughed but no word came out. Pain filled my whole body, sores and bruises. My legs dried and froze up. My heart pounded heavily but slowly.

She managed to pick me up from the ground with my hand wrapped around her neck and hers around my waist and the other held my hand that wrapped around her shoulder. My thighs and beneath hurt so much. Moving my legs became an extreme pain each time I threw a stride.

She carried me into the convent’s large black metal gate. I passed through with my legs curved weakly and brushing on the concrete floor as she continued dragging me gently. Everything in front of me was blurry and obscure. I think I felt a fever as well because sweat filled my forehead.

“Oh Madre Maria!” Exclamations flew in from sisters as they surged to me in Calista’s arms. I couldn’t really picture out who was who. All I could see was blurry black tunics and faces that looked like round doughs.

She took me straight up to my room with the aid of other sisters who helped out. I figured out one was Julia, the sister next to my room. As soon as I laid on the bed, my butt caught fire. The excessive and angry spanks from my assaulter had its effect then.

“What happened!?”Mother superior's voice pierced through from amidst the little crowd.

My eyes are wide open. I saw Mother Superior and Sister Calista in front of me in my room. They both had a pale face. It was then I realized it was just me dreaming and reminiscing on my bizarre past after the assault.

I groaned softly as I adjusted on the bed.

“What happened?” I gasped. Still struggling to have a comfortable posture on the bed. Their looks were too dry and empty.

“Why? How did it happen?”Mother superior’s voice broke the ice after moments of silence. I contorted and narrowed my face in befuddlement.

“What? What is it, Abbess!?” I quizzed.

I got no response but disgusting looks of dismay and letdown from them both.

“You are pregnant, Sister Maria.” The former spat.

My whole world crumbled as I left my mouth gaped and eyes broadened with tears rolling out.

I lost my dream!