Blood Roses And Bullet Vows

The bus is late again.

I check my phone. It is 10:07. The bus was supposed to come at 9:45. I have been sitting on this bench so long my bottom has gone numb from the cold metal. October is tricky. The days are still warm and pretty. But when the sun goes down, the cold comes fast. My sweater is too thin. I should have worn the big jacket my mother gave me last Christmas. The one I said I would never wear because it makes me look like a sleeping bag. Right now I would be happy to look like a sleeping bag. At least sleeping bags are warm.

I push my hands under my arms and lean forward. My breath makes little clouds in the air.

Then I look.

Just a small look. I do not turn my head because I do not want him to notice. But I have gotten very good at seeing him without looking like I am seeing him.

He is there. Same spot. Far end of the bench.

Pencil Boy.

That is what I named him in my phone weeks ago. I do not know his real name. I have never heard him speak. He wears big black headphones every time. His head moves a little to music I cannot hear. He has dark hair that curls at the ends. A strong nose. A jaw that looks like someone took time carving it.

And he is always drawing.

Tonight is no different. His sketchbook is open on his knee. It is black with a spiral edge. His pencil moves in quick little strokes. I watch his hand more than I watch him. It is a nice hand. Long fingers. A small bump on the side of his thumb from holding a pencil too many hours. I noticed that three weeks ago.

He never looks up when I come. Never nods. Never shows that he knows I am alive. For the first two weeks I thought it was rude. Then I thought it was strange. Now I just think it is interesting. A man who does not look at you for six whole weeks is either not interested at all, or he is trying very hard to seem that way.

My phone buzzes.

Route 14 Delayed. Next bus: 10:50 PM. We are sorry for the trouble.

Forty three more minutes.

"Unbelievable," I say out loud. I did not mean to say it.

And then something happens that has never happened before.

He answers me.

"It does this every third Wednesday. You would think they would text before you are already sitting here."

His voice. I never thought about what his voice would sound like. I would have guessed wrong anyway. It is deeper than I thought. A little rough, like he has not talked all day. Maybe he has not. He is still looking at the parked cars across the street, but his headphones are down around his neck now. When did he take them off?

I blink. "Every third Wednesday?"

"Like a clock." He turns his head and now he is looking at me. Really looking. His eyes catch the streetlamp and I notice two things at once. They are brown. And they are tired. Not sad tired. Just heavy, like he carries his tiredness quietly. "You are new to this bus," he says. Not a question.

"First year," I say. "Graduate school. Post colonial studies."

He nods slowly, like I just gave him a piece of a puzzle.

The wind picks up. It cuts straight through my sweater and I shiver before I can stop it. A big full body shake. I hate looking weak. I wrap my arms tighter and stare at the bus schedule on the pole like staring will make the bus show up.

"Here."

I look over. He is holding something out. His hoodie. Dark gray. He has already pulled his arms out. Under it he wears just a plain white shirt that fits him closer than I was ready for. The cold must be hitting him right away, but his face does not show it.

"I cannot take that," I say. "You will freeze."

"I run hot. It is a thing." He holds it out more. "Really. Take it. I have been watching you shake for five minutes and it is making me feel bad."

Watching me. He said watching me.

I reach and take the hoodie. Our fingers do not touch. I pull it on and it swallows me whole. The sleeves hang past my hands. The bottom reaches my thighs. And it is warm. Not just the fabric. His warmth. Still caught in the cotton like a secret. It smells like something clean. Soap for clothes, maybe, and a little bit like pencil dust.

"Thank you," I say. My voice sounds smaller now.

He nods.

It is quiet. But it is a new kind of quiet. The wall between our two ends of the bench feels thinner now. I can feel it.

"You draw every week," I say. "I have seen you."

He looks down at the closed sketchbook on his knee. "Yeah."

"What do you draw?"

His jaw tightens a little. Just a flicker. "People, mostly. Buildings sometimes. Whatever is in front of me."

The wind blows again and my hair flies across my face. I push it back and tuck it behind my ear. When I look at him again, he is staring at me. But not at my face. At the sketchbook.

Then he does something I did not expect.

He opens it. Flips back through the pages. I see quick flashes of pencil lines and gray shadows. A corner of a building. A pair of hands. He stops near the start and looks at the page for a long time. Then he turns the book around and holds it toward me.

It is me.

I am looking at a drawing of myself. Sitting on this bench. My legs crossed at the ankle. My phone in my hand, the light shining on my face. He has caught the way I bend forward a little when I am cold. The way my hair falls over one eye. It is full of detail. So much detail. The strap of my bag on my shoulder. The fold of my sweater. The tightness in my jaw that I did not even know I had until I saw it drawn in pencil.

"How long have you been drawing this?" I hear myself ask.

"First time you sat down," he says. His voice is quiet. Careful. "Six weeks ago. I have been adding to it. Small things. Each time."

I stare at the page. I do not know what to feel. A normal girl would be scared. A normal girl would stand up and walk away and wait for the bus someplace else. But I am not feeling what a normal girl would feel. I am feeling seen. And I cannot remember the last time someone saw me this closely.

"It is beautiful," I say. "You made me look beautiful."

He blinks. "You are beautiful. I just drew what is there."

Neither of us speaks.

The streetlamp hums above us. A car passes and its lights sweep over us like a search beam. I am suddenly aware of how strange this is. Two people on a cold bench at ten fifteen at night. One of them wearing the hoodie of the other. A drawing hanging in the air between them like an open secret.

"Can I see more?" I ask.

He stops for a moment. Then he moves closer. Not all the way. He leaves a careful space between us, big enough for another person. But he is closer now. Close enough that I can smell that clean smell on him. He opens the sketchbook on his knee.