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Incident Report #248
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2026-07-21 06:57:05Case Title: Operation: Cat Distribution
Reporting Officer: Beta Mason Hawthorne Department: Wolf Ridge Pack Administration Case Classification: Preventable Chaos (Escalated to Ongoing) Priority Level: High Status: Officially Closed. Actual Status: Unfortunately still unfolding. ⸻ Executive Summary This report documents a sequence of events beginning with one unauthorized tree-climbing rescue initiated by Alpha Rowan Ashwood and concluding with the unofficial assignment of one orange kitten to the undersigned. While no permanent injuries were sustained, the incident resulted in significant loss of productivity, unnecessary property damage, emotional manipulation by a feline estimated to weigh less than three pounds, and the continued deterioration of this officer’s remaining patience. The Alpha maintains that everything “worked out.” This office respectfully disagrees. ⸻ Individuals Involved Alpha Rowan Ashwood Primary cause of the incident. Beta Mason Hawthorne Reporting officer. Unpaid therapist. Emergency response coordinator. Apparently cat owner. Unnamed Orange Kitten Primary victim. Primary suspect. Current residence: Disputed. The Goat Professional nuisance. Repeatedly interfered with rescue efforts. Shows no remorse. Elder Martha Provided wisdom. Also somehow predicted everything. Various Pack Members Witnesses. Unhelpful commentators. Encouragers of misinformation. ⸻ Background At approximately midmorning several days prior, the Alpha heard what he described as “a tiny voice asking for help.” Normal leaders would have alerted trained climbers. Our Alpha removed his boots and climbed the tallest oak tree in pack territory. No authorization was requested. None would have been granted. When questioned afterward regarding his decision-making process, the Alpha stated— “The kitten looked worried.” This explanation somehow satisfied everyone except the Pack Administration Office. ⸻ Timeline of Events 10:17 a.m. Reports received regarding distressed animal sounds near the eastern meadow. 10:19 a.m. Alpha Rowan voluntarily begins climbing approximately forty feet into an oak tree. Several witnesses later confirmed he appeared cheerful throughout the ascent. This should have been the first warning sign. 10:24 a.m. Reporting officer arrives. Discovers Alpha speaking calmly to one frightened orange kitten. Discovers no exit strategy exists. Questions several life choices. None of them belong to the Alpha. ⸻ 10:31 a.m. The Goat arrives. No one knows why. The Goat begins chewing rescue rope. The Goat refuses all verbal instructions. Several witnesses attempted negotiation. Negotiations failed. The Goat appeared encouraged. ⸻ 10:42 a.m. Alpha successfully secures kitten. Alpha immediately discovers climbing down is considerably more complicated than climbing up. Gravity begins participating in the incident. ⸻ 10:48 a.m. Reporting officer initiates Emergency Retrieval Procedure. Procedure was not included in existing training manuals because it was previously believed unnecessary. Recommendation: Update manuals. ⸻ 10:56 a.m. Alpha safely reaches the ground. Immediately asks— “Did you see how brave he was?” Clarification requested. Alpha was referring to the kitten. Not himself. ⸻ 11:03 a.m. Kitten refuses to leave reporting officer. Initial assumption: Temporary attachment. Subsequent evidence suggests otherwise. ⸻ Property Damage Assessment One rescue rope. One patrol schedule. Three hours of productivity. One flour sack. Several professional reputations. The Alpha’s credibility. Again. ⸻ Evidence Collected Exhibit A One orange kitten. Currently asleep. Refuses relocation. Exhibit B Chewed rescue rope. Teeth marks match Goat. Goat declined further comment. Exhibit C Patrol paperwork bearing tiny muddy paw prints. Reporting officer attempted to file replacement copies. Originals have since been declared “adorable” by the administrative staff. Professional objections were ignored. ⸻ Witness Statements Elder Martha “The kitten chose who needed rescuing.” Statement interpreted as philosophical. Also annoyingly accurate. ⸻ Patrol Wolf Ethan “The Beta definitely has a cat now.” Correction issued. Correction ignored. ⸻ Kitchen Staff “Please tell the Alpha to stop helping.” No further explanation provided. None required. ⸻ The Alpha Official Statement— “Everything turned out fine.” Supplemental Statement— “Also, I think the kitten likes Mason.” Reporting officer declines to comment due to ongoing emotional distress. ⸻ The Goat Interview was attempted. Subject consumed interview notes. Investigation concluded. ⸻ Coffee Consumption Log Cup One Interrupted by emergency tree rescue. Cup Two Consumed while untangling rescue equipment. Cup Three Forgotten. Found cold. Cup Four Required after hearing the phrase— “I have an idea.” Recommendation: Increase departmental coffee budget. Significantly. ⸻ Findings Following a thorough investigation, this office has reached the following conclusions: The Alpha cannot be trusted to ignore distressed animals. The Goat should never be considered a neutral party. Orange kittens possess alarming negotiation skills despite speaking no known language. The entire pack is actively encouraging misinformation regarding feline ownership. Elder Martha knew how this would end before anyone else. This is becoming concerning. ⸻ Recommendations Require the Alpha to notify at least one responsible adult before beginning any rescue operation. Relocate all climbing equipment. Lock the climbing equipment. Hide the climbing equipment. Increase coffee rations. Assign someone to monitor the Goat. Recommendation withdrawn. No volunteer could be located. ⸻ Confidential Notes Restricted Access If you are not the reporting officer… Stop reading. Seriously. … I know you’re still reading. Rowan— If this is you— This section is confidential. The kitten followed me back to the office today. He fell asleep on the patrol schedule. When I moved the paperwork… He moved with it. I should have relocated him. Instead… I worked around him. No one needs to know that. Especially not the Alpha. If this document somehow reaches the pack archives… I would appreciate it if future generations remembered one thing. I did not choose the cat. The cat chose me. There is a difference. No matter what everyone else insists. … Also… Someone needs to tell Elder Martha to stop sewing tiny blankets. She’s making this worse. ⸻ Final Determination The investigation is officially closed. The cat, however… Appears to have other plans. Filed respectfully, Beta Mason Hawthorne Head of Pack Administration Professional Chaos Archivist Keeper of the Coffee Pot
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