104. Brother

Hi! I don't want to make you pay for this, since I've been absent for so long. 

I'm dealing with some mental things, some physical stuff and just, life, I guess. writing felt impossible. Or maybe not impossible. Just not something I wanted to do anymore. But I know it's not fair to leave this and my other story without finishing it.

So. I guess, I wrote this chapter to kind of explain myself. To put some of my own stuff into the story. So here it is. Chapter 104: 

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Nivia’s pov

“You can’t do that.”

“Do what?” Forrest replied, sounding already done with this conversation. We had exchanged pleasantries, as Ford would say. Basically we had talked about nothing really, before I got to the point.

 My point being, “you can’t disappear like that.”

“I am here and have been here all the time.” Now he sounded annoyed. Great.

“Fuck, For… You know what I mean.”

“I don’t. So why don’t you enlighten me, oh wise Luna Nivia.” Okay, now he’s sarcastic. Great. Motherfucker should respect his elders.

‘You’re his sister… You’re only a few years older than him.’ I rolled my eyes at my wolf’s words. I’m almost four years older, but whatever.

I swallowed a growl. Patience.. I’m patient.

I’m not patient.

But I am the mom of two small kids, and I can handle one brooding teenager. So I will be nice. Sort of. I will try.

After taking a deep breath, I started again. “I haven’t heard from you in months. You were supposed to fly out here and you bailed. Mom said you skipped school a few times? And you’re just sitting in your room doing nothing. What’s up?”

Forrest scoffed, “Oh... so you’re calling because Mom made you.”

“Answer the fucking question, Forrest.” Okay, patience gone, I guess.

“I’m fine.”

He’s not fine.

“Answer the fucking question.”

Forrest sighed and said with a fake cheery voice, “I’m great. Super. I’m doing awesome. Having the time of my life!”

“You can talk to me, you know.”

“Can I?” Forrest chuckled dryly. “Cause, um, I might have cancelled my visit, but it’s not like you’ve been reaching out to me either.”

“I am busy and I post stuff in the group chat all the time. I just sent a picture this morning!” It hurts that he thinks I’m not reaching out, because I’m trying my fucking best to be there for the Omari’s as much as my own little family. While working as a Luna an while trying to stop a war from happening.

It’s a lot! Give me some fucking credit, man.

I didn’t say that, though. I’m not stupid. That would only cause a fight, and I am here to figure out what’s going on with my brother right now. Whether he likes it or not.

“Yeah, posting pictures of your kids is great and all. But it’s not the same and you know it.”

“What’s not the same?” I asked.

Forrest scoffed, and I could already imagine him shaking his head at me. I could have video called him, but I knew he’d be more comfortable telling me what was really going on if we couldn’t see each other.

“You left. Marley left. Grandma Leia is gone most of the time. Riker is cranky all the time, which pisses Mom off. And then there’s the whole war that’s likely going to happen. It’s not the same, Niv.”

Finally, he’s opening up.

“Okay, so is that why you’re depressed?”

He laughed, “depressed? I’m not depressed. I don’t want to kill myself or anything. I’m not crying or listening to emo music.”

“So what are you doing?”

Forrest sighed, “nothing.”

“Nothing? Like what?”

Forrest was silent for a while. Then he tutted, trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal. Which meant whatever he was going to say was definitely a big deal. “I just don’t feel like doing much, you know.”

“I don’t know. So tell me.”

“You’re so annoying!” Forrest growled.

“I know, and if you don’t talk to me, I’ll be even more annoying. So tell me.”

Another deep sigh that only teenagers can make. And yes, I am aware I was that teenager not long ago.

“It’s not a big deal, Niv. It’s just. I’d rather just stay in my room and do nothing. It just feels like it doesn’t matter, you know? Like why put in the work?”

I didn’t understand what he meant. Forrest has always been a bit of an overachiever. Maybe because he’s the second born?

“What doesn’t matter?” I asked carefully.

“Like anything? I just don’t feel like doing my schoolwork. Or talking to people or going outside. It’s… like… people leave, and I’ll leave when I’m eighteen anyway to be an alpha. So what’s the point? Right?”

“No.”

He sighed, and I knew he was rolling his eyes at me. Yet he remained silent. Other than the big sigh, of course.

“Can you explain what you mean?” I tried again. “Are you mad I left?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. I’m not mad. Or anything. It’s just quiet here. But it’s fine. I promise I’ll start going to school again and do my homework, big sister. Don’t worry. You won’t be forced to call me anymore.”

He sure sounded pissed off for someone who’s not mad.

“I can make time for you.”

He scoffed, “sure.”

“I can.”

“Yeah, it’s not the can or not. It’s whether you want to or not. Fuck, whatever. Sure. You can call me. Is that all?”

Forrest just said fuck. Yeah, something is wrong.

“If you don’t tell me what’s going on, I will fly over tonight and alpha command you to do so.” It was a joke

“Oh, I’m so scared…” Forrest is being a sarcastic ass again. Great.

“Forrest. I love you and I want to help, -”

“I never asked for you help.”

“Fine, fuck off then.”

“You called me!” Forrest shouted at me.

“Because Mom made me!”

“I know! Because why else would you call me, right? Why else would anybody talk to me? I wouldn’t. If I were you I wouldn’t call me either.”

What? What was he talking about? “What the fuck does that mean?”

“Nothing.”

“No, it’s not nothing, For. What does that mean?”

He sighed and swallowed hard. Is he going to cry? Forrest doesn’t cry often. But when he does, I cry. I sat there holding my phone, my eyes filled with tears, not understanding what the fuck was going on. He knows I love him, right?

“Okay, it’s just. “It’s not a big deal, okay?” He said. So why is his voice shaking? He swallowed again and sniffled. “I’m just overthinking everything.”

I laughed, “I tend to do that too.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s genetics,” Forrest laughed, but it didn’t sound convincing. “It’s just… When you and Marley left the packhouse… it became quiet. Like too quiet. Like I suddenly had time to think. And I realized, I don’t know. I just… Who am I, you know?”

“You’re my brother.”

He chuckled, “yeah.”

“But that’s not what you’re saying, right?”

“I know, like, a lot of us aren’t, like, neurotypical, you know? “Like, you clearly have some ADHD going on.”

“I don’t.” I scoffed.

“Sure…”

“So what are saying? You think you have ADHD or something?”

Forrest coughed, clearing his throat.  It was clear he was crying, but he was trying not to show it. “Yeah. I’ve been doing some research on autism and ADHD, and ever since, I’m just… I feel stuck. Not stuck. But I feel like I don’t know what’s me and what’s me masking? Like, who am I? And what’s the point, you know?”

“You feel like you’re not good enough?”

“No. I don’t know. Maybe? It’s more like… It’s overwhelming to not know which behavior is normal and which isn’t and the more I feel pressure to do something, like school or be social or whatever. The less I want to do it. I just… I just don’t want to do anything, really. It all feels like too much.”

I sighed with a heavy heart. My poor brother is going through this all by himself. I’m not even sure if he’s on the spectrum or not. I mean, he makes eye contact. He’s not afraid to touch… Although, it’s a spectrum. So not everyone is the same. Maybe I should do some more research first.

“I think you should get tested. Get some real answers instead of just assuming something. And talk to someone. Like a professional. To help, you know?”

“Because you think I'm wrong and I'm just acting crazy?” He laughed mockingly.

“No, because you’re miserable. You know depression isn’t just not wanting to live. It’s also not wanting to do shit and spending your whole day in bed. It’s not taking care of yourself. There are different forms…”

“I don’t know. It feels like I’m making a mosquito into an elephant.”

I chuckled softly. Dad taught us that saying. It’s the Dutch version of making a mountain out of a molehill. “You’re not. You are important. Your mental health is important. And I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“And I know who you are.”

“Sure…” Forrest sighed.”

“You’re my baby brother, For. I know your love for Lego runs deep. I know you’re kind. You’re smart. You’re a great fighter and a momma’s boy. I know you loved the color orange since you were a baby, despite it being an ugly color.”

“It’s not ugly.”

“Whatever. I know you’re funny, and you love animals. I know you’re a great listener.”

“Okay, you can stop now.” Forrest said, clearly not liking me praising him. Which made me want to do it even more.

“You’re my brother. The guy who used to sneak into my bed when Mom and Dad weren’t paying attention. The guy who brought me chocolate when I was on my period, even though most boys your age would be grossed out.”

He sighed, “thanks, but that doesn’t really fix anything.”

“Not doing shit about it doesn’t fix anything either. I know you’re going through something, but you can’t just hide from the world.”

“I’m not hiding.”

“You are.” I replied. “And the longer you postpone something, the bigger it gets. Like, start with something small.”

“Okay, doctor…” There is that sarcasm that I love soooo much. Not.

“Just… You get to make the first step, you know. If you want to feel better.” I tried.

“I know.” Forrest sighed. “I know. Thanks for trying and stuff.”

“Yeah, thanks for opening up and stuff.”

Forrest laughed, “so, when can I visit?”

I paused. “You know I’m not making excuses, because I really miss you and want to see you, but…..”

“So not any time soon?”

“I think shit is about to hit the fan, Forrest and I want you home and safe. I might even send the kids your way, just to keep them safe as well.”

“Because I’m just a kid like them?”

“No, you’re not a kid. But you don’t have a wolf yet.” I told my brother. “But if there’s anyone who can keep my kids safe, it’s you.”

“Whatever…”

“I mean it, For. You’re a great fighter, but these guys play dirty.”

“Okay.” I knew it wasn’t okay, but I did feel like I got through to my brother and that’s something, I guess.

‘It’s a start,’ Gwyn said.

Yeah… a start. But I’m telling Mom she needs to keep an eye on my brother and not in the way she usually does. He’s not a baby anymore. She tries to protect him from everything, but it seems the biggest thing he needs protecting from isn’t the world, it’s from himself.

I don’t think he’ll hurt himself, like physically. But this isn’t okay. hiding away. doubting himself… it’s not good.

Sadly there isn’t much I can do right now. Like I said, shit is about to hit the fan and I need to take care of my pack, my mate and my kids.

He’ll be okay.

Right?

‘He’ll be okay,’ Gwyn assured me. ‘He’s a good kid. He’s just going through a rough period. He’ll be fine. He’s got your family. You did everything you could, and now it’s time to focus on your own stuff.’

“So, I’ll can you soon to check up.” I told Forrest.

“Okay.”

“You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah,” Forrest replied, but it left me feeling nervous. I never really had to worry about Forrest before. He always seems to have everything under control. He always seemed happy.

Was that fake? Was he just pretending?

“I love you.” I said before finally hanging up.

He’ll be okay. I’m sure of it. Mostly.