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53RD HEARTBEAT
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The Badboy's Heartbeat 54TH HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLIf the universe will give me the chance to change one thing in my life, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to think of anything to change. One, I have so many unwanted stuff that I would want to change. And two; I personally think that I’m already used to how life has been fucking me over and over that I’m basically not able to let go of every single emotion that’s pent up inside of me. But if I would rephrase the question, it would be a different thing. If there’s one thing that I won’t change with my current life, that would be my father. I was hoping that he would stay out of my life. He has already ruined everything for me and now he’s trying to wiggle his way back when I personally said I don’t want anything to do with him. Better yet, I would certainly change the fact that he’s my father.I’m going to be honest with myself, I did not feel any single strike of relief when Coach Millstone revealed to me that my dad called the school to pay for my shit. I felt rather p
The Badboy's Heartbeat 55TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSI sat on my usual chair during sex ed. and for the most part, Xavier and I kept on exchanging stolen glances between each other. It’s as if we were both secretly in love and we just don’t want to admit it. That’s crazy to think of but that’s how things are basically rolling off right now. It was pretty much difficult to be in the same room as the person you love but you can’t even express how you feel about that person. But what can I do? This is what I agreed to and while it’s restricting, I’m still glad to have Xavier in my life.How would I describe this pulsating feeling? I was initially against the idea but when I finally understood Xavier, I finally realized it’s pretty hard to be so out and proud while the other one’s still pretty much hiding in the closet. It’s like a classic story of homosexuals falling in love while the world is completely against their entire existence. No matter how far the community has progressed in the recent decade, still, it isn’t enough
The Badboy's Heartbeat 56TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSMy heart was dropping at such a rapid speed and I thought I was going to lose consciousness as well until I realized Xavier’s father was already here screaming out loud. It started to sink in to me that everything’s actually happening in real time. As soon as the bearded guy saw Mr. Rockwell rushing, he quickly woke his bald friend up. They both rushed back inside their car and eventually drove away like it was nothing.“XAVIER!!!” Mr. Rockwell sat down on his knees and checked Xavier for his pulse. He looked very much flustered.Gritting with agitation, I quickly rushed to their side and I was already overwhelmed with panic. “Xavier. Oh my god.” It was hard for me to breath and I could feel tears streaming down my face. I could blood dripping out of Xavier’s waist and I know I just had to toughen myself out.“Stay calm, kid.” Mr. Rockwell muttered and I could clearly tell it in his eyes that he was figuring things out himself.“I-I can’t.” I cried out.Mr. Rockwell held
The Badboy's Heartbeat 57TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSI couldn’t bring myself to sleep the night that I came home from the hospital. I’m still shaking on the inside even after everything has gone down to a calm. Though he was already stable and was rescued from the brink of death, Xavier was still unconscious when my mom showed up to pick me up. As much as I want to stay the night and watch for the poor guy, his dad was there for him and I thought I wouldn’t be that person.In this universe, I guess there’s always this wide empty room for this certain thing called forgiveness. Only a few people are using that room, I guess. I was just reeling in about this certain thought in my head about Xavier forgiving his father. This is probably a chance given by the universe. I’m not saying I’m trying to invalidate Xavier’s feelings about his old man. Of course his pain and anger are very much valid no matter what sort of perspective you are trying to view it from, however, the clear question is up until when? Until when is he going to
The Badboy's Heartbeat 58TH HEARTBEAT
JORDI ADKINSHearing Michiko’s fake soft good girl voice felt a lot more like someone just banged a gong right next to my eardrums. It was giving me a banging headache and I thought I was going to go full throttle with her. I thought I had the right courage to jump towards her and grab her by the hair before pulling her out of the room but I was more like a poor human petrified by Medusa. I had my foot planted on a certain spot and I was just thrown into this state of intrusive thoughts.I can’t fucking believe Michiko just told Mr. Rockwell that she’s Xavier’s girlfriend for Pete’s sake. That’s not fucking true and I would’ve disrupted her but I felt like my tongue’s left frozen. I was just standing in the corner clearly aware that I don’t have any say over what’s going on. Mr. Rockwell doesn’t know what’s going on between me and his gorgeous son and I know for sure that he doesn’t know his son’s made out of rainbows and unicorns.Am I even going to allow myself to out Xavier to his
The Badboy's Heartbeat 59TH HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLI woke up in a daze or so that’s how I felt the moment I opened my eyes. My head’s feeling a little cranky, my vision was fuzzy and for some reasons, I feel like I’m floating on mid-air. It felt like I just had the longest slumber of my life and I was erratically confused to wake up in my bed at our tiny little apartment. I took some time breathe in and breathe out and then I suddenly heard a loud screaming and banging coming from the outside. I slowly propped myself up and sat on the bed as I quickly noticed myself dressed in a hospital gown. I slowly got up and then walking seemed like the easiest as if there’s some sort of wind carrying my own weight.When I brought myself outside to check on the ruckus, I was stupefied to see my mom and Hector going at each other’s throat. They were both yelling at the top of their lungs seemingly arguing about something I can’t even be
The Badboy's Heartbeat 60TH HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLSometimes being alone effectively helps with your own thoughts and sanity. Even just for a sweet hour or half a day or even a full night. The utter silence feels like the widest and warmest embrace too and I’m glad that I’m spending the night alone in this hospital. It was my own choice and I’m very glad that I fought for it. My dad tried to assert his dominance over me trying to stay here with me but I already know what I want and I was even more adamant than him. In the end, he ended up letting me win the argument mostly because he’s a smart man and he knows he’s starting on his path to earning my forgiveness.Lying like a rock on my bed, I’m definitely starting to feel sore. It’s been two nights that I’m lying here basically doing nothing and I thought there was going to be no drama but I was dead ass wrong. Drama seemed to keep on finding me for some reasons
The Badboy's Heartbeat 61ST HEARTBEAT
XAVIER ROCKWELLSpending the night alone again was somehow a blessing in disguise. I got the chance to lie down on my bed and without the exasperating presence of my mom and Hector, it felt heaven to me. I got the chance to actually make up my mind with the presence of silence that’s there to help me think. It was very much a self-reflecting moment and while I wasn’t expecting to talk myself this much, I may have enjoyed the solitary confinement.Jordi didn’t hold back earlier and everything that got out of his mouth made complete sense. He was right when he said he forgave me for everything that I’ve done to him and that I should at least give my dad a chance of the same chance that he gave me. I did a lot of unforgivable stuff towards Jordi and not only that he gave one but he basically swallowed his words and gave me a lot of chances. It takes a good heart to give out chances like they’re fly
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