CHAPTER 8: The Guilt (Part 2)

The next morning, it was the 12th of November, 2019, and I saw all those messages, I mean I just gave her support, as I was helpless too. I woke her up and said to her "Don't think about last night too much, everything will be fine" and she told me "I miss you" and also asked me to "Call me, we will go to class together!". As soon as I got ready I gave her a call and we went to class together, we just sat and talked to each other throughout the class, but suddenly while talking to me, her stomach started to ache very badly and she was in a lot of pain, she kept her hand on my thigh and grabbed it very tightly. I saw this and I told her "Give me your hand!". Laughing, after some time, she was relieved. I held a girl's hand for the first time in my life, I have never done it before, it felt very special that this was happening with me, as soon as her fingers slipped between mine and we held hands, a smile just came over to my face as all of this was happening for real. I never expected to hold hands or to even hug a girl in my life but it happened, I held her hands and she was happy to do it although it was for her pain, I guess she wanted that too that's why she didn't resist.

But as soon as the classes proceeded I started to lose my strength again, so I shifted my chair towards the corner as I wanted to just be distant from here. I didn't know what was happening to me, all of this was rapidly changing me in a very emotional and mature way.*But as soon as I shifted my chair, she saw this and she literally grabbed the chair and pulled me towards her and told me "Why are you doing this, just sit near me okay!",* but I don't know what happened my head started to ache very badly and my eyes again became numb just for a moment, she saw this, looked at me in the eyes and told me "Don't cry please!", however easy might it seem to anybody it was really very difficult to go through and day by day it started to break me mentally and emotionally but having her by side helped me to go through that pain because she gave me the support that I needed. After this, I advised her to go to the doctor. So, it was time for the quiz test, I reached to class before her but Sahil called me out to talk about something, I just went there and talked to him, in the meantime Alizeh and Kabir came outside the class, Kabir actually came to drop her off for the quiz and before he left they both hugged and kissed each other right in front of me, although it might have been normal for me if it was any other day but after we both confessed each other seeing her do it made me very upset that day, I didn't have any words to explain anyone how it felt, it was like somebody threw hot water on my fucking face while she was laughing, but I had to act like that I was there for her so I just smiled looking at her and went inside the class. I sat behind her instead of sitting with her, as I didn't know how to react to what I just saw, because I might not be able to explain to her how it feels, maybe if I had a girlfriend at that time and I had done the same thing in front of her, she would have understood how it felt but I smiled in front of her and said nothing to her and after the quiz, she told me that she was going with Kabir for something important.

As soon as I reached the room, her messages came informing me about JAVA marks in which again she got an average score but she was upset, and she further told me-

Alizeh: "Yaar I think I will just go mad!" (regarding JAVA marks)

Alizeh: "I went to Doctor, he said the stomach ache might be due to kidney stone and as I am going to Jaipur, I will show it again to my Nani's family doctor!"

Alizeh: "And you can reply, I am in my room!"

Varun: "Alizeh please take care, and whatever happens you will tell me first, I just wish I could go with you!"

Alizeh: "Okay babba, I will and maybe it's not stone and I wish that too, but don't worry yaar I will be fine!"

Varun: "Nevertheless at least I could give you more strength to face it, so please take care and also enjoy don't think too much and I know Kabir will take care of you!"

Alizeh: "I will for sure, but this is giving me a whole new thing to worry about!"

Varun: "We will deal with this and just stay strong and happy!"

Alizeh: "We will and you can too, and I am leaving bye! And don't message me now!"

After about half an hour her messages came again and I didn't reply to her as I thought she left-

Alizeh: "Hello!"

Alizeh: "You can reply!"

Then again after 30-40 mins, her messages came-

Alizeh: "Why are you not replying Everything is alright na?"

Alizeh: "Did you eat lunch?"

Alizeh: "What happened Varun?"

Varun: "Yes, I did, I just thought you guys left"( although there were other reasons for not replying as I was upset with her )

Alizeh: "No yaar, I am in a lot of pain, so I thought to rest for some time!"

Varun: "Good for you, just take care and whatever happens, I am here!"

Alizeh: "Yes, I will and whatever doctor says I will tell you first surely, and I know you are here with me! You also rest as your head was paining, don't fall ill please!"

Varun: "I just wish I could hold your hands to support you just like I did in class, I had to gather a lot of strength to do that and it felt really good and I know that you felt really good too!"

Alizeh: "I wish so too yaar, yes I know really, thanks for that, I really needed that at that time! And I know yaar, that's why thank you and hearing this makes me feel really happy! And obviously idiot it was really good"

Varun: "I just pray that it isn't stone!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know!"

Varun: "Don't worry about Java I know you will do better in the next exam, if I could give you the marks I got, I would've given you those marks happily and would have taken yours!"

Alizeh: "Shh(with a heart), you are really mad you know that na(smiling)"

Alizeh: "Listen I am going, I will message you after coming back!"

Varun: "Okay bye take care!"

After that, I tried to sleep but I couldn't because her pain in the stomach was giving me a lot of tension, I just hoped and prayed that she doesn't have stone because it happened to my mom and I have seen her suffer a lot because of that and now I just don't want to see her that way. It will be too much for me to handle but I will surely never give up on her, I would have supported her then also and I am supporting her now also. This girl was making me fall for her more and more day by day and my love grew for her as each day passed by. She was paving a path of memories for me, those memories which I will cherish for the rest of my life, those memories which will always bring a smile to my face whenever I thought of her, she really was special and she was proving it to me each day. Alizeh was a woman of great caliber, she was smart, beautiful, mad, understanding but not only that she was supporting too and all this made me fall more for her. Maybe it was right or it wasn't what we were doing, but loving her was the best and the rightest decision I made in my entire life and I don't regret any of it as it was like a dream coming true for me.

In the evening I went to the library with Sam to study for the end terms and we just sat there and studied for about 3 hours until I got Alizeh's message, Sam saw that and pulled my leg but I was way too much invested in Alizeh and intended to ignore him. I told him about what happened in the past few days which he said"I think so she really loves you and you just see I think her decision will be in your favor and she will choose you, you just see!".Seeing his confidence I was really overwhelmed and I told him that "I hope so too.", I even told him to just communicate with Alizeh regarding TED as she wanted the passes. Then Alizeh's messages started popping up-

Alizeh: "Oyee, I just came to the room now, it's not serious, my vitamin D is low that's why I had a sprain in the stomach area, that's it, the doctor has given me meds"

Varun: "Thank God, Now you have to stay in sunlight, with this at least you will get a little darker(laughing)"

Alizeh: "Haan babba, why do want to make me darker?"

Varun: "For No reason!"

Alizeh: "Buddhu, do you want to meet?"

Varun: "I want to but I am in the library, sorry yaar"

Alizeh: " I know you want to and Why are you saying sorry, idiot just study okay! I am free till 10 pm if you come to the hostel by then, just tell me, we will meet okay!"

Varun: "Where is Kabir?"

Alizeh: "Room, he wanted to sleep so he went."

Varun: "I will meet you after coming to the hostel"

Alizeh: "Okay, just come in time and eat your dinner please"

After that, I told Sam to message her for TED-

Alizeh: "I'll kill you for sure, idiot! Just guess why!"

Varun: "No you will not, I know that for sure!"

Alizeh: "Donkey, idiot, moron I told you na not to!"

Varun: "What happened?"

Alizeh: "Guess na please what just happened!"

Varun: "Ted na, you're welcome!"

Alizeh: "You are really mad, why do you think about me so much? by the way, did you tell Sam about us?"

Varun: "Yaar I am like this, I can't do anything and yes I have told him a little not much though!"

Alizeh: "Oh and you are really a big idiot. And it felt really good today"

Varun: "Why?"

Alizeh: "You know why! Although it was for my pain, but at least the one thing I wanted to happen just happened"

Varun: "Hands? It felt good to me too"

Alizeh: "Really na? You are sure you were not uncomfortable?"

Varun: "Are you mad, no I wasn't, it was the best!"

Alizeh: "Then it's okay(with a heart)"

It was then around 10 pm

and I went back to the hostel and I saw Rahul with Alizeh and after few minutes Priyank came, he wasn't there for the past few days as he went home for a few days, and it was today he came back, so he came there to meet Alizeh. Just then her message came saying "You haven't come until now?" And I told her "You are sitting with Priyank and Rahul is standing right in front of you!", I came near her but was still at a distance and she saw me and messaged me "Oh God, come here na, come here now!", I just went there and I met with Priyank and said a normal"Hi" to Alizeh. Priyank didn't know about us and also it was something amazing somehow that Priyank still believed that Alizeh and I don't talk to each other that much and the bond between us is just like the second semester but little did he knew a lot has changed between us from the past year and that we were in love. So I met her and we just looked each other in the eyes for a moment and smiled. Priyank came again so we couldn't talk to each other that much. Priyank had some work so we accompanied him. He was walking right in front of both of us and we were behind him just at a little distance and she said to me "We can't see each other like this, Priyank will know if we behave differently in front of him" and said to her "Okay we will not" and then a message came to her and she told me "Kabir is coming" and I told her "Probably I should leave", so I went taking Priyank with me. This felt very shallow and uncomfortable to me as I just came a few minutes back and now suddenly you just asked me to leave, it was not feeling right but I just went to the room as I felt tired. And messages started again-

Alizeh: "Sorry, you have to go suddenly today."

Varun: "No worries, for you anything!"

Alizeh: "Thanks, I am missing my home so much, It felt really good talking to Priyank today!"

Varun: "I know, I could see it on your face!"

Varun: "At least your day today was good, and also you didn't cry so yes it was good!"

Alizeh: "Yes, it was really good, and I didn't cry, thanks!"

Varun: "Why thanks, I did nothing!"

Alizeh: "You have done a lot, you will never know!"

Kabir, me and Alizeh have made a group in September to share study material on W******p and we used to share all the study related stuff on that-

Varun: "Should I leave study material?"

Alizeh: "Should I slap you? If you want to do this then leave me too!"

Varun: "Okay, I will not leave neither you nor the group!"

Alizeh: "Good at least you understood me!"

Then I got a little busy as Rahul was upset, so I went to his room to talk to him, he was really upset and his eyes were numb. He again started to talk about Reva, I couldn't stay there for long to see him break down again. After half an hour when his mood was better, I went to my room again and I sent a screenshot of my chat with Ishani to Alizeh, in which she was just thanking me for helping her regarding some study-related stuff-

Alizeh: "What are you sending me this?"

Varun: "Your bestie(sarcastically) sent me a message!"

Alizeh: "What did she message?"

Varun: "She just only asking me how are you(laughing). Hey, I am just joking, she was just thanking me because I helped her don't worry!"

Alizeh: "Okay, Why is she asking so much about you? Idiot, you just keep joking around with me!"

Varun: "No I am not, I am just doing healthy flirting with Ishani!"

Alizeh: "Just be careful of me if you'll do that. Fuck yaar, you are making me jealous and I am getting jealous, what an idiot I am!"

Varun: "No yaar Ishani is like a sister to me, don't worry!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know, I am just an idiot!"

Varun: "Don't worry I will never do this to you or me, you are very special to me and always will be!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know this, and you are very special to me!"

Varun: "Thank you for staying happy today!"

Alizeh: "Thank you for making Me happy in the class!"

Varun: "What did I do? You were happy throughout the day because I held your hands today?"

Alizeh: "You did a lot, and you know it, you guess by yourself!"

Varun: "Today it became somewhat awkward na when Kabir came outside class and I was standing right in from of you both?"

Alizeh: "Yes, a little!"

Varun: "Did you feel awkward?"

Alizeh: "Not really, I just felt sad hugging or kissing him in front of you!"

Varun: "I felt sad too, but I will adjust, I was doing it before and I will do it now also!"

Alizeh: "I know yaar Varun, but how will you? But before it was different!"

Varun: "That's why I don't feel like coming in front of you guys"

Alizeh: "I understand! I am sorry"

Varun: "I am sorry, just coming like that into your life and messing it up"

Alizeh: "Varun shh, idiot!"

Varun: "Have you seen flames? I feel like I am like that guy nature-wise!"

Alizeh: "Yes I have and you are better than him!"

Varun: "You are just really good like that girl!"

Varun: "Just don't stop talking to me!"

Alizeh: "I will never!"

Varun: "If I say anything wrong just tell me about it then and there, anything inappropriate, or even if I touch you wrong just tell me okay?"

Alizeh: "Yes babba, I will obviously, but you don't even touch me, if you'll do that then I will be in the position to say something na!"

Varun: "I did na today the first time, and it felt really good!"

Alizeh: "I know and I felt really happy!"

Varun: "Yes I know I could make out from your face and sorry for crying in class!"

Alizeh: "No need, next time if you'll cry I will hug and then stop crying okay!"

Actually, we had to choose an optional subject for the upcoming semester and we started discussing the same and I asked her-

Varun: "You and Kabir want to take the same? And if I say I want to take the same subject as you?"

Alizeh: "Kinda yaar, because we both have had a different class from starting, so I wanted at least 1 class to be the same, I just want it! And if you want I will take it with you and most probably we will fill in the same subject! And maybe Kabir and I will not get the same subject"

Varun: "If I fill in the same subject as you both and all three of us get it and we are in the same class how can I let it happen?"

Alizeh: "Are you mad, you just see your subject, not us!"

Varun: "No I have to see everything Alizeh, if I am uncomfortable in class so I will miss lectures then that subject will get affected na!"

Alizeh: "No Varun here you will see your subject only, Promise to me please! And why will you not come to class? Why are you talking like kids?"

Varun: "Achha okay, but I will think about it! But I will most probably fill in different"

Alizeh: "But why? At least you will tell me na before filling it?"

Varun: "I will!"

After talking about general stuff and Rahul for some time, I message her-

Varun: "You look really good in your profile picture, the dress is looking very pretty on you!"

Alizeh: "Thank you!"

Varun: "Don't worry infatuation will get over after some time, don't think about it much, just stay happy with him! And don't worry about me as time passes by I will be normal and everything will be fine"

Alizeh: "You na just shut up okay and sleep and I hope everything to be fine, I really do!"

Varun: "And we will be back to being friends!"

Alizeh: "We will?"

Varun: "Yes no matter whatever happens!"

Alizeh: "Ily(with a heart)"

Varun: "I haven't made a friend like you in my life and I will not give up on you this easily!"

Alizeh: "Same yaar, I will also not give up!"

Varun: "No matter whatever your decision is, that is your choice, I will support and respect you in every way possible! And I will never question your decision"

Alizeh: "Thank you, you will just make me cry, idiot!"

Varun: "Just sleep now okay! Good night!"

Alizeh: "Good night!"

The next morning it was 13th November 2019 I woke her up again and we went to class together, actually the class was for two hours and then we all came to the hostel again. I was just sitting with my friends near Tea Post(an outlet for tea and coffee in the hostel) and she texted me-

Alizeh: "Where are you?"

Varun: "Tea post!"

Alizeh: "Just eat something!"

Varun: "Did you eat something?"

Alizeh: "No and I am just not going alone to eat"

Varun: "Should I come?"

Alizeh: "Do you want to come, I mean do you feel like coming?"

Varun: "Yes I want to! But can I come?"

Alizeh: "Then come, come in front of G2 I am coming!"

Then she came down and we went just to get something for her to eat and she wanted it to be packed so that she can eat in the room. By the time it was getting packed we just sat together and just talked to each other, I really enjoyed her company but I wanted her company to stay because we were lovers in the virtual world but we used to spend minimal time with each other in the hostel. I just wanted to spend more time with her in the hostel because if we are present there we can actually talk to each other and make each other feel comfortable and that's what I wanted. While we just sat there and talked, suddenly Nikhil, Shiv and Akash came from Tea post and all of us just joked around for some time and they just went, this was the first time that any of my friends have seen both of us together actually, sitting and talking to each other, and I wondered if it will be right for them to see us like this but amidst all this, I told Alizeh I want to tell you about a lot of things, a lot of little things which I did for you and what made me who I am today, I want to open my life with you and I told her that I will tell you when the time comes. After they went away we just sat in from of G2 while she ate and talked to me and then she went to the room.

Then only we got to know that maths papers are being shown, and we went to see them together and both of us got around the same marks it was I think, neither they were good nor bad but she was kind of upset after that so while going back to class I gave her a side hug and told her not to worry you will excel in end term, we then went to sit in the cafeteria so that Kabir could not see both of us together. As we reached and sat there we just started talking about proposals and stuff and she told me about her proposal to which she said t"It's nothing, we both just held hand and told I love you to each other" And I told her "That's it? It would have been really good that if either one of you has gone down on the knee and proposed!" And I even told her "It's very difficult yaar proposal and all, I will feel shit scared when I have done it", she then boosted my morale and said that "It's not that difficult, Come on I will show you!", that moment I got a whole lot scared at what she will do and she asked me "Give me your hand!", so I gave my hand to her. It was then like all of it happened for real, she looked me in the eyes with all the love, held my hand tightly, and said "I Love You", I just smiled and she smiled too. She said, "See, it's not that hard, just feel what you want to say and stay confident".All of this felt very real and yes it was, she just proposed to me and couldn't just answer her, all of this might sound very imaginative, but Yes it happened for real. I just keep on repeating that moment over and over in my mind again, I just wish if that day I had proposed to her she might have said yes only and I would have been the happiest person, but at least I got the feel of the whole situation. I even told her that "I will first say my feelings and propose to you when the right time comes", and she told me that "maybe you will, but I know myself na, I just don't know how to hide feelings, I will probably say to you first", I then told her that "No, you will not, I challenge you!", she told me "Okay, I accept it, just be prepared to lose!" And I told her we will see, and we went to our rooms.

In the evening I was in the library when I saw her and Kabir leaving from there, as soon as they both left she messaged me "Just don't reply I just wanted to say you that I miss you!" And then after about half an hour, her messages were there again-

Alizeh: "You are still in the library?"

Varun: "Yes"

Alizeh: "Okay so you just study I won't disturb you, whenever you are free just text me and you also eat dinner, I am free till 10, and if you'll call me before I will come to meet you!"

Varun: "Yes I will have to eat as I have to donate blood tomorrow I have to stay strong and I will try to come before 10"

Alizeh: "I know you will!"

I then sent her a post in which a quote was written from VEER ZARA, after about an hour-

Alizeh: "You quoted Veer Zara for me?"

Varun: "Yes!"

Alizeh: "Ily so much! By the did you eat dinner?"

Varun: "Me too, I am going!"

Alizeh: "Ik you do, Good eat properly, if you will not na, I will not allow you to donate blood okay ?"

Varun: "Okay!"

Alizeh: "Thanks for listening to me, by the way, Reva asked me to go to Udaipur with you all, I will ask my mom, just hope that she allows me!"

Varun: "I hope so too!"

Even after that incident, Alizeh used to send me snaps of her on Snapchat, with each snap having her picture mostly and some captions written on each picture like I miss you, I love you, I am here for you and all that, she used to send me snaps for her every day but mostly after 11 pm and Each day I got to see her after 11 pm on the snaps she used to send me. But that day she sent me a snap with Gonna die written on it, and I got really upset seeing that-

Alizeh: "Now tell me what were you telling me on Snapchat?"

Varun: "Gonna die?"

Alizeh: "Fuck, did I send you that snap? I wanted to send it to Divya and I sent it to you by mistake, sorry babba!"

Alizeh: "Are you angry with me?, Listen na Varunnnn!"

Varun: "Should I die? Idiot!"

Alizeh: "Areyy babba, I am sorry!"

Varun: "Okay!"

Varun: "You know na I came to Manipal to study?"

Alizeh: "Yes I know, you came to study not make relations, oh God I don't know why I remember all your dialogues!"

Varun: "And also to make a friend like you!"

Alizeh: "Thank you!"

Alizeh: "I love you, and I know how I could control myself"

Varun: "Love you too! And how did you control yourself? When you held my hand?"

Alizeh: "I don't know I just controlled myself and thought I shouldn't say it now, as you might not be comfortable!"

Varun: "I also would have said it today! But I will say only when I have all the right to say that to you!"

Alizeh: "Really? But you told na not to, that's why I didn't say it"

Alizeh: "But when you sort of hugged me na after seeing the maths papers, I felt really amazing! And I know you will when it's right."

Varun: "That's why I did it na!"

Alizeh: "You will make me cry yaar, and you will come to class na?"

Varun: "Most probably I will come only one class tomorrow, and till I am with you I will not let Tears drop from your eyes, not even a single drop at least not because of me!"

Alizeh: "Achha okay idiot! you should let tears fall, it's important but be there with me to wipe it off! And I am not crying because of you and I'll miss you!"

Varun: "I'll miss you too! When you held my hands na I thought you would say it, and I know you controlled yourself!"

Alizeh: "I was about to say it, I felt like I should say it, it felt really amazing at that time, but I will say it soon, I know I will not be able to wait!"

Varun: "Soon maybe, but I will say it first!"

Alizeh: "I really hope so, but I am pretty sure I will say it!"

Varun: "No I will, I have to fulfill your wish na! But just be clear first!"

Alizeh: "Okay!"

Alizeh: "Just tell me one thing, when you are in Rahul's room with all of them sitting there and you chat with me, don't you smile while chatting with me?"

Varun: "Yes I do it openly! But only in front of Rahul not in front of anyone else and what about you do you smile in front of your roommate?"

Alizeh: "Yes I do, she doesn't ask me much, so I don't care much"

Varun: "Good"

Alizeh: "You were telling me na you want to say a lot of things, so tell me?"

Varun: "Yes that were all the little things, how and when to happen all of this happened, a little bit about my past, a little bit of all everything!"

Alizeh: "Ohh, tell me yaar everything, I want to know! aww!"

Varun: "Okay I will just wait for the right time!"

Alizeh: "Okay, just call me before going, I will come to meet you!"

Varun: "Alizeh, Thank you!"

Alizeh: "Shut up idiot, Thank you for what?"

Varun: "For everything!"

Alizeh: "Shhh, sleep now!"

After that, we both ended our conversation and slept, next morning was 14th November 2019 a big day, a day on which a lot happened, some things made me upset and some things made me happy, the day which made me cry and the day which made smile at its end, the day on which things started to take a turn and started to give my relationship with Alizeh a beautiful yet disturbing shape, the day which gave me a reality check of my current situation and the day we confessed each other our feelings by saying to each other. And not only this, a lot was going on that first was the blood donation, then class and quiz situations, then the library situation, then Rahul's situation, this was a lot to digest for a single day but all of this happened and I was at the very core of all of this, however much I never wanted any of this happen, it happened and affected me a lot, breaking me even more and making me realize that all of this is not possible. I and Alizeh were not made for each other, nor were we compatible and we can never be together.

So, the day begins with me getting ready to go to the blood donation camp, I just got there while the rest of my friends were already there. As soon as I got there met Ishani and we both just sat and talked to each other, she told me that she had messaged Alizeh regarding her problems and I told her that just don't say anything out of the limit that would go out of respect for anyone, so she then sends me the screenshot of what she has sent Alizeh and I asked her not to worry as I have already talked with Alizeh and I will make sure you both sort it out. After that, we both just met Priyank and Rahul, and we all just stood there and chilled, in the meantime, Priyank went to donate the blood, after giving the blood he just got dizzy and fell and became unconscious, seeing him that way we started laughing, all of them were worried about what will happen to me after giving blood but seeing Priyank that way I laughed. While I was with them I got messages from Alizeh -

Alizeh: "Oyee, Blood Donate?"

Varun: "I have not done it until now, when I will go I'll tell you!"

Alizeh: "Achha, okay!"

Alizeh: "Yaar Varun, Ishani message have come, I don't have the strength to open it!"

Varun: "I know she told me, wait I will send you the screenshots! And we will go together to sort it out between you guys"

Alizeh: "Yaar I don't have the strength, but I will reply to her and obviously I will not go alone, you have to come with me!"

Varun: "Okay!"

Alizeh: "I miss you(with a heart)"

Varun: "I miss you too!"

Alizeh: "I know!"

Varun: "I am going to donate blood!"

Alizeh: "Okay do it(with a heart), I just wish I could sit there with you while you donate blood!"

Varun: "Okay!"

After donating the blood I went to the class, however, I didn't felt like that I should go but I have to see Alizeh, so I went to class only for her, just to sit with her and to see her. Although only one class was there, as soon as I reached, she just saw me and smiled. I went and sat next to her, I could see that she was quite tensed, and she even told me "Why don't you listen to me, I told you na not to donate blood!". I told her "not to worry I am fine" I don't know what happened I again shifted my chair away. She asked me "Why are you doing this?", making her eyes big and with all the anger in her eyes, she didn't wait for me to reply and she turned her face towards sir and became somewhat angry with me, but how could I let her stay angry with me, I tried to make her normal again but I stayed at a distance and she was fine after some time. After the class there was a quiz so we all went to the class, but this time it wasn't necessary to give a quiz from class but we all decided to give the quiz from class and I asked Rahul, Reva, Shanaya and Piyush to come to our class but only Rahul and Reva agreed. So we all went to the class, I reached there a bit early and sat in the class. Again Kabir came to the class to leave her, but this time he didn't drop her off and went, he came to the class and gave the quiz to all of us. The quiz was a bit awkward, I felt that I lost my freedom, I couldn't openly ask anyone anything, just sat there in the corner without speaking much and gave the quiz, but the same thing didn't happen with her she just jumped around here and there, asked me quite a few questions and even gave me Kabir's phone to answer a question on which they were stuck but I couldn't do the same, I don't know I couldn't gather the strength to even talk to her during that quiz, I just sat there, while helping all of them in a clueless and a helpless state and maybe that's the reason I fucked up my quiz, while all of them excelled in the quiz, I just couldn't even barely score passing marks in it. I don't know why, that moment had a lot of going on my mind and I thought I was a worthless piece of shit and nothing could ever go good/right all in my life, so with that shit going on in my head and a fake smile on my face I left and went to eat the lunch, but I think Alizeh noticed that I was upset. As I went to eat lunch I saw Alizeh with Kabir in Dominos eating the lunch, I just saw her and went to Chaap Hut(a restaurant in the hostel) with my friends to eat lunch, while I was eating the lunch I started to get her messages-

Alizeh: "Sorry Yaar!"

Alizeh: "Really I am sorry, I am in my room you can reply!"

Varun: "I will message you after going to the room!"

Alizeh: "Okay, I will message you if I go down"

Varun: "Ok"

Alizeh: "By the way, I am going to the medical center, I am feeling like I am going to puke!"

Varun: "Achha okay go!"

Alizeh: "I got the meds in the room, so I am not going now!"

Alizeh: "Are you angry? Or Upset?"

Alizeh: "Please whenever you can talk just tell me!"

After 10 mins or so I got a huge message from her-

Alizeh: "Yaar I don't know I am having a lot of anxiety. I told Kabir that sir will come to class, but then he met Akash outside the classroom and he told him that we can give quiz from anywhere. When we both were standing outside the class I told him you just go and give quiz from your class only, sir might come, but then again we saw Rahul and Reva coming to class. Varun I really wanted to give the quiz to you, I hope you know that and Varun, you could have given your quiz to me, I also came to you na, I thought if you weren't asking you might know all the answers. Sorry yaar, I feel really terrible!"

Varun: "Are you in the room?"

Alizeh: "Yes!"

Varun: "Did you take the meds and are you feeling better?"

Alizeh: "Yes I took the meds and I feel a little better!"

Varun: "Good, then rest for some time!"

Alizeh: "Tell me what happened to you?"

Varun: "I don't know yaar!"

Alizeh: "Just say whatever you are feeling right now! You have to share just tell me!"

Varun: "I just try a lot not to show any of it in front of you, but I don't for how long I can do any of it! Genuinely I get upset from a lot of things and I feel those things but I just ignore them just because of you so that you can stay happy"

Alizeh: "Are you mad Varun, don't do this yaar, and what did you feel upset about Varun tell me all of those things, if you feel this way all those things will not happen in front of you, surely. And you don't have to do any of it I am there to sort it out and stop thinking about my happiness I will stay happy, and even if I don't then it's still okay!"

Varun: "But your happiness is more important for me!"

Alizeh: "I know but tell me all those things that hurt you!"

Varun: "Everything has become really awkward and weird, I just don't feel happy, nothing is like it used to be before I don't know!"

Alizeh: "I told you na I am listening just tell me okay!"

Varun: "During the quiz you got busy I know why, but I didn't feel good!"

Alizeh: "Yaar, you could have given me your questions, I solved 8-9 people quiz today, why didn't you give your quiz to me!"

Varun: "Genuinely I don't feel upset about getting low marks in my quiz and I didn't give you questions to solve because I just couldn't!"

Alizeh: "You didn't felt sad but I did na, I was feeling upset this whole time!"

Alizeh: "Yaar Varun why do you think I came towards you? Do you thought I didn't know the answers, I knew the whole quiz today, and just give it some time!"

Alizeh: "We have to give some time na so that it all becomes normal, but till then we have to go through this together na!"

Varun: "But someday will hit my breaking point na!"

Alizeh: "I know it's very difficult at times, and I know someday you will hit your breaking point, and as I promised naa, I will be there to handle you!"

Varun: "Sometimes I feel I shouldn't exist anymore I don't know yaar, I am just breaking down again and again"

Alizeh: "Varun? Before saying this you should have at least thought about me, and I am also breaking down and I have to make myself understand"

Varun: "I know I told you I will handle but I don't know sometimes I lose all my strength!"

Alizeh: "And this is normal my love. I also sometimes lose my strength but I am there with you na to give you strength again!"

Alizeh: "And listen I will not go to Udaipur! Because you'll not be able to enjoy it. If I'll go then Kabir will also go, he will stay with me all the time and all that, and it will not work out that's why should leave it for now!"

Varun: "If you'll not go then I'll not be able to enjoy"

Alizeh: "You think like this, for now, you will miss me obviously but at least you'll not feel bad on the trip, and how will you see me and Kabir together for 3 days, I will not be able to even talk to you properly"

Varun: "I don't care about it but if you'll be there I will feel good! But it's still your decision I'll not force you ever"

Alizeh: "I know(with a heart), I will talk to my mom then!"

Varun: "I am sorry for everything!"

Alizeh: "Shh yaar stop saying sorry! I should say thank you!"

Varun: "Sometimes I think I have made a huge mess by coming into your life"

Alizeh: "Don't say like this my heart will break!"

Varun: "Alizeh I really miss you!"

Alizeh: "I miss you even more Varun"

Varun: "You know I came to class just for you after donating blood!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know this, that's why I couldn't even stay angry with you, you should have called me I would have come to support you leaving the class, and we would have gone to eat something!"

Varun: "You just ate at Dominos, so no problem"

Alizeh: "How do you know this? And Varun, one second did you eat something?"

Varun: "Yes I did and I told you na I always stay near you although not with you!"

Alizeh: "I love you!"

Varun: "I love you more!"

Alizeh: "I know!"

Varun: "Listen, you told me na Kabir is not well, is he better now?"

Alizeh: "Yes, he is. You wanted to say this?"

Varun: "Thank God, yes I wanted to say this!"

Alizeh: "You are really good Varun!"

Varun: "I don't know I was not feeling good, I was really angry with myself and I felt like crying so I just went away as soon as the quiz got over!"

Alizeh: "Do you want to meet? And if you want to cry, you will cry in front of me, do you understand?"

Varun: "No you just rest, and I am better now!"

Alizeh: "Just remember I am here with you! And if you want to meet then tell me I can come naa, then we couldn't meet in the evening"

Varun: "No I don't, you were telling me na you have to rest then rest for some time okay!"

Varun: "Just don't get upset okay, just stay happy your smile is really good!"

Alizeh: "Then why do you talk like this and why did you get away from me in class, if it would not have been DS class I would have held your hand and pulled you towards me! If I could have na I would have hugged you tightly"

Varun: "I wish yaar!"

Alizeh: "I wish so too!"

Varun: "Do you?"

Alizeh: "Yes I do and you know I can but I don't!"

Varun: "Why?"

Alizeh: "Will you be perfectly fine with it? Like 1000%?"

Varun: "As long as you are in a relationship how can I, just tell me? What have you done if you were in my place? I just know my limitations!"

Alizeh: "Yes that's why na! And I not good like you, I might have hugged and I know you do and just leave all this and sleep na please!"

Alizeh: "By the way mom agreed for me to donate the blood, I am not going because of you as you just gave me swear na!"

Varun: "Aree that was a joke!"

Alizeh: "But you said na, I toh believe in all this!"

Varun: "I will not let you go because you don't that the capacity to donate blood(laughing)"

Alizeh: "Thank you!"

Varun: "For what?"

Alizeh: "For everything!"

Varun: "Achha okay then tell me one thing for which I deserve this idiot!"

Alizeh: "You just support me and take care of me!"

Varun: "So what, Priyank and Kabir also do the same!"

Alizeh: "Should I tell the truth?"

Varun: "Go on"

Alizeh: "They don't care for me as much as you do!"

Varun: "I don't trust this yaar!"

Alizeh: "At least Priyank doesn't and Kabir has his own ways, he just gets angry very fast, and then all the things go upside-down"

Varun: "That's why I saw na everybody should stay single for a lifetime, then there will be no problem in life!"

Alizeh: "Yes yaar, I wish I stay single in the future or with someone with whom I can face all the problems!"

Varun: "You will wish this, seriously?"

Alizeh: "Aree, just ready the next message!"

Varun: "Okay!"

With that message I slept and it was evening, but I got some messages from Rahul saying "Bro, I don't want to give you guys more tension, take care", most of the day had been passed but still a lot was about to happen, as soon as I woke up I saw those messages and tried calling Rahul but his phone was switched off, I then got to know that he was sleeping in his room so I went to the library, I didn't know that was the beginning of the more difficult thing is was going to face that day. I don't know but I was not able to get happy, I was trying really hard but there was one thing after another that was making me upset each day. Each day I used to wake up with the hope that I will stay happy today, but each day ended with me caught in the midst of all the problems. Amidst all my thoughts, while I studied in the library with Sam, I got messages from Alizeh -

Alizeh: "Hello, I woke up just now, you just eat dinner please otherwise you'll get weakness and you can reply!"

Varun: "Some tension is going on, I will message you after some time, I got very weird messages from Rahul"

Alizeh: "Okay you sort it out then tell me!"

Alizeh: "Something else has happened, I'll tell you, first read this!"

Then she sent me a snippet of her chat with Kabir which said-

Alizeh: "I literally wanna stop fighting over this! I can't anymore."

Kabir: "Then don't"

Alizeh: "Okay then just tell me, what do you want? should I never talk to him ever?"

Kabir: " I don't want anything, because whatever I ask is apparently too much to ask."

Alizeh: "No, Kabir I just can't talking to him for professional reasons yaar, he's in my class!"

Kabir: "Do what you want to do. But one thing is for sure, I can never be normal with it anymore, maybe I could have been but not anymore."

Alizeh: "And why is that?"

Kabir: "I am sure you are smart enough."

Alizeh: "No, I am not please tell."

Kabir: "Not gonna keep repeating myself."

Alizeh: "No yaar please just say!"

Kabir: "Because the first thing you did after the first fight we had was to run to that guy."

Alizeh: "Right!"

Kabir: "The exact reason we fought for the first place! Not only that you hid it from me! So yeah this."

Alizeh: "Yeah I get it, I knew you'd never be normal again nor will I be in the position to do whatever I want, I hope you know that!"

Kabir: "I think I was quite rational the first time it happened when I even texted him myself, but I'm done with this shit!"

Alizeh: "Yeah you were and it's my fault I did all that again, so it's my doing and I am not even blaming you!"

Here the snippet ended and she asked me to call her, so I called her and she said "I don't know yaar what to do, he is also right at his place but I don't know how to handle this", she was asking this from a person who was caught up amidst all this, so how could I have given the right advice, so I only told her "Just wait for him to calm down, and then ask him whatever he wants and then whatever you guys decide, and also on the thing that somebody else cannot decide whether you can talk to someone or not at the end of the day it's your life and your choice, so that should be your decision" and I tried to uplift her mood as she was upset, In the meantime, I was talking to her, I saw Aman and Shanaya, I was sitting on the staircase just outside library and talking to her while both of them just stood in the mess area in dome building and talked to each other and after about half an hour on me talking to her they asked, "Whom are you talking?" And of course, I told them that I was talking at my home, what else could I have said to them. As soon as I reached my place, Sam asked me "Where the hell were you from so much time?", I told him that she was telling me about a situation and I was helping her out, then we both continued studying. After some time I got her messages again-

Alizeh: "He wants us to not to talk for a while, and not talk in sense that we will only talk about professional work and I told him that it's not gonna happen forever like this and then he said he also wants some time to get normal again and reply me okay."

Varun: "Whatever you feel like doing we will do that only, So no talking right?"

Alizeh: "After the class nope, not for a while, but for anything important and anything related to studies you know na that you can message me anytime?"

Varun: "I know"

Alizeh: "Good but this starts tomorrow, so today we talk!"

In the meantime, I got a call from Aarush " Where is Rahul ? ", I told him that I had no clue as the last time I checked he was sleeping. He told me that he was not there now and we cannot find him, he is not picking up his phone and his mobile data is off so messages are not getting delivered to him. Hearing this made me and Sam panicked and we tried to search for him, I told him about the same situation to Alizeh and she was also like "What?WTF? What is he doing? Wait I'll call him, he just hung up my phone, leave it yaar Varun, this is not right? How can someone get so mad after one girl?" I told her "I don't know for how much time I need to handle him but I don't ever give up on anyone" and she told me "This is wrong, he should think about others na, I get it that he loves her, but how can he let others struggle for him" and I told her "I know yaar, I will not give up on him even if all his friend give up on him!". She then tells me "If you find him tell me, I am also feeling tensed, and his friends will not give on him, but I am very angry right now!", and then finally we found him, as Piyush knew had his email, so we managed to track down his last location and found him, he was in college ground and you all will not believe what he told me, he told me that "I came here because this was the place I took a picture with Reva, I just sat there seeing her photo and admiring her and comparing which moon is more beautiful either my moon(Reva) or the real moon" and I said to him"You are completely mad you know that let just go and we will talk about it".I told Alizeh that we found him and she said to me "Oh God, what should I say, tell him not to talk to me, this is not the way to do things" but I told her to talk to him as he was very upset at the night. I told her to look after him to which she said "Bring Rahul to the hostel, I will talk to him and you also come, I will not able to handle him alone because I am very angry I might hit him", I told her that after the dinner I will come with him to you. While eating dinner I messaged her-

Varun: "Sorry!"

Alizeh: "What? Do you also want me to hit you? I am legit very angry right now!"

Varun: "We both can't be together, we are not compatible!"

Alizeh: "What are you saying? Are you drunk?"

Varun: "No I am not, we can't be together, we are not made for each other you know that na!"

Alizeh: "Varun, what happened suddenly? and where did this come from? I don't believe in this made for each other thing, no one is made for some other person we are all made for ourselves"

Varun: "Today was the last day to talk to you so I thought I should say all this"

Alizeh: "Yaar, do you think if we will be together we can't stay like this? That we would break up? Because not compatible means this na"

Varun: "I don't know if I could give you the happiness you deserve!"

Alizeh: "Why do you think like this?"

Varun: "I don't know, I think that you can't be mine ever!"

Alizeh: "Woah! Okay! I can't be yours, cool!"

Varun: "Listen, I want you to be mine, don't get angry"

Alizeh: "I am not angry, I am crying! I'll be fine"

Varun: "Oyee, please stop crying otherwise I'll get upset or hit myself"

Alizeh: "Shut up idiot, I will not cry, shut stop talking nonsense!"

Varun: "Just don't get angry and don't cry please!"

Alizeh: "I am not angry my love!"

Varun: "Ily so much you know that na!"

Alizeh: "Ily too!"

I messaged her to come down. I just went there and she came, we both took him near the badminton court in G2 and sat down on the bench talked to him. She sat in the middle of both of us and told me that she was feeling very cold so I shifted more towards her and very close with her, in such a way that she could feel warm. She then just leaned more towards me I guess she wanted me to sit close with her, she got very much comfortable and started to make Rahul understand that "whatever you are doing is not gonna help you, it will make it more difficult for you as well as for others, so just stay calm and don't lose hope, and I also have to leave talking to someone and it is so much difficult you can't even understand, so yeah don't lose hope", and Aarush went from there and he saw all three of us sitting there, after some time Reva and Shiv came there and asked us to just give us so time as we want to talk to Rahul, we both just got up from there and stood in the corner, and Shiv also accompanied us, but he realized that he should give both of us some private space, so he just then went back to Rahul while Rahul and Reva talked. In the meantime we both stood there and talked to each other, we both stood very close at that moment while we talked and then again she told me that she was feeling very cold and as my hands were warm she asked me to give her my hand. She grabbed my hands very tightly, just smiled looking at me, with a certain numbness in her eyes, at that very moment she was literally very very very much comfortable, it was like her happiness was on cloud nine, she just then came a little more close to me, while looking at me and holding my hands and said "I LOVE YOU!", so first I was shocked that all of this was happening for real and so soon, my eyes just got big and a smile just came over to my face, hearing those words from her made me so much satisfied and relaxed I cannot even explain, It was that happiness when someone gets after completing their goal or if their dream comes true, that warmth and feeling was very similar to the love you feel while you hug your mom or dad, but it was not for a family member, it was for someone who made you feel like that you were their family, that's what made that feeling so special. While going through this stream of emotions on my mind I also said to her that "I LOVE YOU TOO" and I told her that "You will not let me speak first ever na?" And she said "I told you I will win and yes I will not!", while Shiv stood there and saw all this happening but soon she had to leave after that because Kabir messaged her to meet her, so she went and also it was near to 11 pm so we had to leave, so we all reached the room, but who knew that the night has just started for me!.