CHAPTER 7: The Guilt (Part 1)

So, I just got up from the jogging track and started walking towards Rahul's room. On my way there I picked up my phone and called Alizeh, and I asked her "What happened?", she tells me "I told you all about it in the texts", I then asked her "What do you want me to do? Shall I go and talk to Kabir?", she told me "What are you going to talk to him about? There is nothing to be explained here!", I told her "Yaar, I don't want this to happen, I am not like this Alizeh, I do not want to be the person because of whom you guys break up, and I don't want anything to be messed up between you two, so shall I go and talk to him?", she replied "No, don't ever think that all of this happened because of you. You didn't know any of this would happen and if I feel that you should talk to him then I will ask you to go and talk to him, okay?", then I told her "Okay!" And I went to Rahul's room. I was really panicked not knowing what was going on between those two and what would happen to the bond that Alizeh and I share, will it last and evolve or will it be gone forever, so I called Rahul to come and meet me as I wanted some support at that moment.

As soon as Rahul came I told him about everything that has happened and he asked me to just calm down and told me "We will see whatever's gonna happen, don't worry, I am here with you!". All this helped me to calm down a little bit but the tension on my mind was far from gone and the panicking didn't stop. Amidst all of this tension, her messages came again saying that "I am really sorry Varun that all of this happened I don't know how to sort everything out and I just don't know what to do?". I replied, "Neither do I know what to do, but I just don't want that your relationship to be spoiled or affected because of me!". She then asks me to help her do something to make it all right, all this lead to my SECOND MISTAKE, I shouldn't have agreed to do this. I don't know why I did that maybe because I was so busy with the feeling of so-called love which made me blind to see what was right and what was wrong. I just blame myself every day to let this happen.

She asks me "There is only one thing we could to save my relationship, I will have to lie to him about whatever I said to you, I will have to tell him that "I only did what I did to just get it out of you, I don't have feelings for you and I never did, I only did this because I felt guilty and I wanted to know this", only telling this to Kabir will help save my relationship with him, and I wanted to tell you that when I say this to him in front you just don't get hurt because you know that it will all be a lie".

I told her "That will be wrong but you should do whatever it takes to save your relationship because if you guys break up then that will be on me and I will feel guilty throughout my life. So go ahead do whatever you want to do but just tell him after some time because keeping a thing this big from him will not be right". She then agreed and decided to tell Kabir all that just to protect her relationship.

While all these messages came Rahul was sitting by side and he saw all of this happening, and also Sam too, I asked him to come because I know that he is better at handling situations like this. So both of them sat with me and saw all of this happening with me and just gave me support and told me that "We will not let anything bad happen to you, so don't worry! Just stay strong". After some time Kabir's message came where he asked me to come to his room to talk. Sam told me "Just stay strong and go talk to him and if anything goes sideways then we are here to handle it!".

Before going to his room I did my THIRD MISTAKE, I decided to delete all the messages of my conversation of that night with Alizeh because I felt that if she was going to lie to Kabir and if he checks my phone then he shouldn't see all the messages which I got from Alizeh after the confession in which she already told me that he read all the messages and what she was going to tell me when I go to his room, so I thought it would be better if Alizeh tells him the truth and not me, so I decided to delete those messages.

Before proceeding just let me tell all of you about Kabir, he is lean and tall, a quite nice-looking guy. He is someone really good to talk to, someone who listens to you and understands you, someone who would believe you even though you are wrong if he loves you, someone, who always tries to keep his loved ones happy. He was really good at heart, somewhat shy by nature but a really nice guy. This is my perception about him maybe he could be more than this, but I didn't know him that much.

I went to his room, and guess what, all the things happened like the way she told me they were going to happen. Surprisingly Kabir was quite a rationale about it and I told him that it is natural that we get so much attached to someone if we talk to that person so much and he told he that "Yes I know, so just give it some time and stay away from her until things get back to normal" and I told him "Okay I will do it!". While all of this happened Alizeh was on call and she told me exactly what she told me that she would say and then I agreed that I would stay away for some time and I went back to my room again. But again her messages started to popping up again, I guess they never stopped-

Alizeh: "I am so sorry Varun, I am so sorry that you had to go through all of it, I will never forgive myself for this!"

Alizeh: " You deserve a much better friend, I wish I hadn't done all of this, I am really sorry yaar!"

Alizeh: "I get it that you are angry with me and don't want to talk to me. I fully understand it and if this is the way it'll be I won't argue. I never that things would get so messed up just because of me, I really am sorry Varun. You are very important to me, and you will always stay important to me, but whatever Kabir and I have gone through together, leaving him was really impossible for me."

Alizeh: "I really hope that even after all this we could still stay friends in the future because losing you will be like losing a part of myself now!"

Alizeh: "Never really thought that I'd pray for death."

Alizeh: "Just reply to me once, even if it's "FUCK OFF!"

Varun: "You just started talking like idiot na, I am not hurt."

Alizeh: "It can't be, I am crying here! Kabir is angry with me because whatever I did with you was very wrong and you are saying you aren't hurt?"

Varun: "Well I was hurt, but I would've been more hurt if you would have said all those things to me directly on call"

Alizeh: "That was not true, you know that na? YOU KNOW THAT NA?"

Varun: "Yes, I know."

Alizeh: "Sorry yaar, will we not talk to each other now? I just don't want to lose my bestie, please find a solution. You ARE very mature, so just please try to find a solution."

Varun: "We WILL talk, but we will talk less and you will never lose your bestie, but for the time being there is a need to maintain a distance because I promised Kabir that."

Alizeh: "But Kabir was like you will not talk to him from now on. So we will just have to talk without him knowing it na? I am really sorry Varun, I know we should maintain a distance but we can still talk about work na?"

Varun: "No we will talk after telling him, in front of him!"

Alizeh: "He will never understand this Varun, he will never agree to this!"

Varun: "Yes we can talk about work. But whatever happened was not right, especially whatever I did. I am really sorry I shouldn't have said those things to you!"

Alizeh: "My mistake is 200 times more than yours."

Alizeh: "Varun please, don't make me feel more guilty, the fault was mine and even Kabir agrees that!"

Varun: "Your fault is not THAT much, you went wherever you felt more comfortable, you will only see your comfort level na, so don't think too much, stay happy and take care always!"

Alizeh: "It is my fault yaar, and you too don't think about it that much and I am always here for anything and everything you need! And why are you saying that as if you are leaving me and going?"

Varun: "But nothing will ever be the same na!"

Alizeh: "Fuck yaar, I hate myself, I hate myself so Fucking much!"

Varun: "So just be prepared and there is no need to hate yourself!"

Alizeh: "You are not even normal now, nothing will ever be alright!"

Varun: "It will be, just give it some time!"

Alizeh: "I will, no matter how much time it takes I will give it!"

Varun: "I will stay the same, just give some time to yourself"

Alizeh: "Just always remember that I will stay the same for you always and we will talk in class, and you too just please stay the same!"

Varun: "But we have to talk less na, I have given Kabir my word so I have to honor it, even if it demands just giving up on my feelings for you!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know and I will try too. Sorry yaar, I don't want you to just give up your feelings for me. I told you na yesterday that I feel scared that nothing happens in my life right!"

Alizeh: "If I just ignore you after seeing you, just don't feel upset about it. Just understand that I am not able to face myself that's why I am doing this!"

Varun: "You have the best thing in your life as Kabir, don't worry he will not let anything bad happen to you!"

Alizeh: "And in your life? THAT I made living hell na?"

Varun: "My life was already like this, so whatever I am like, I will stay like this only! I am sorry for everything!"

Alizeh: "Yaar, No Varun it's not your fault it's all mine, I hope everything will be normal as time passes."

Varun: "I hope this too!"

Alizeh: "I know, You just take care of yourself from now on and you will think about yourself now and take care of yourself please"

Varun: "Yes and you too!"

Alizeh: "Yes, and Varun please be fine! I can't stop thinking about it, please please please be fine. For us."

Varun: "I am trying too. There was no US and never will be!"

Alizeh: "Hmm, I am sorry!"

Varun: "You also be happy. And it's okay Alizeh!"

Alizeh: "I am trying really hard but I will never be okay and It will never be okay again!"

Varun: "But we need to talk to each other less na, just understand this"

Alizeh: "Yes I am trying to, but I am so used to you now and it has become like a habit for me now, so how can I leave you so suddenly!"

Varun: "Everything will be fine just give yourself some space and also you will eventually leave this habit!"

Alizeh: "I just don't wanna leave this habit. Besides if I stop disturbing you then, who will solve my doubts, who will give me movie suggestions, who will tell me answers in the quiz? Nah you are too important, I just can't!"

Varun: "But I don't know how can I do all this now!"

Alizeh: "What?"

Varun: "But I will try just to see you smile!"

Alizeh: "No yaar, I won't burden you, if not talking makes you better, I'll do that!"

Varun: "No it makes things worse, don't I have a habit of you?"

Alizeh: "So okay then, we will not stop talking but we all talk less and I am always there!"

Varun: "Are you okay na?"

Alizeh: "What do you think!"

Varun: "I don't think so you are! I just don't know why are you talking to me after all this? I am not like this Alizeh. It's all just a mask yaar, I am not this much caring and I am not this good, and I don't deserve you in my life"

Alizeh: "You are like this with me and I have always seen you like this. And after what I have done, I don't deserve you and Kabir both, and I don't care about this, I just want to be in your life!"

Varun: "You deserve Kabir really, I am not worth it!"

Alizeh: "No I don't! And you have been worth it till now. If you are saying all this thinking that all this will help me in getting better, so sorry it will not!"

Varun: "I am really not that good yaar!"

Alizeh: "Why? What did you do? And if even it is like that I will get to know when the time is right!"

Varun: "I messed up all things na! I am not a person like this why should I take away someone's happiness!"

Alizeh: "I knew it all along you were not like this, you are nothing but a complete idiot! Varun just please don't think like this, you haven't done anything really!"

Varun: "I just don't want you to suffer because of me!"

Alizeh: "I will only suffer if you leave me? Will you do that?"

Varun: "No I don't want to"

Alizeh: "Okay then, I won't suffer and I don't want you to suffer because of me too!"

Varun: "But if the situation wants me and if I see you happy I will leave!"

Alizeh: "Varun just remember always that my laugh won't always mean my happiness!"

Alizeh: "If I stop messaging you, then just know that I can live without you!"

Varun: "So, I didn't use to message you earlier? But you can live without me, I am fucking nobody, I never was and never will be!"

Alizeh: "So? Now It's not like it used to be before na! And you will not understand na?"

Alizeh: "It's not in my control, and I don't know that if I can love two people at the same time or maybe it's too much liking or something like that!"

Alizeh: "But I like you more than a friend Varun and I can't help it!"

Varun: "I don't know what I should say but who knows what happens in the future"

Alizeh: "You don't even know What you mean to me and you never will!"

Alizeh: "I was willing to risk my relationship for you, I value you that much Varun, and not just because I like you, but because you are the best human being!"

Varun: "I just want your happiness even if you are not with me that's it!"

Alizeh: "Yes I don't know what will happen in the future and you don't know too but I just want to stay in your life and I want you in mine."

Alizeh: "And don't ever think that you are nobody, Alizeh doesn't cry in front of anyone like this and I cried in front of you!"

Varun: "I am really not the best human being!"

Alizeh: "Shh na, that's for me to decide, you will never praise yourself I know!"

Alizeh: "I can't talk to you in front of Kabir but I will never leave talking to you I just won't.And he will be fine with time too, now he is just a bit shocked and I can't lose you and the only two people I say this to are Kabir and Divya."

Varun: "You won't lose me that's for sure!"

Alizeh: "And you won't lose me!"

Varun: "But if situations force us, we have to leave each other you know that na?"

Alizeh: "Situations won't, I trust my life this much!"

Varun: "Kabir is better than me in each and everything, he takes care of you, he keeps you happy what more do you want?"

Alizeh: "Varun shh, you are telling me this as if you don't do all these things for me? So all that was going was just a lie? If you are trying to put me away by saying all this then I am sorry to say you won't be able to! And we are still classmates and you can sit with me in class!"

Varun: "Thinking all of it as a lie just forget all this, Think of it as if we never met each other"

Alizeh: "I am never forgetting anything ever, do you understand? And all of this is just hurting me more!"

Varun: "I know I can sit with you in class, but I will not. I will not be able to gather the strength to do it"

Alizeh: "I wish that you could sit. Even if I say you to do it, then also you won't sit?"

Alizeh: "Varun I need you babba and you need me too. Things just don't end well by getting away from each other, I know this much."

Varun: "But how will things get normal again?"

Alizeh: "It will be with time, I know that it will be fine, it just has to. Just promise me one thing, okay, You will support Me up until then?"

Varun: "Okay I will, but it will be like moving on for me na?"

Alizeh: "Yes it will be. If you want to move on then I'll help you even if I had to stop talking to you!"

Varun: "I don't want to!"

Alizeh: "So okay then, You will support me up until things get fine!"

Varun: "Okay I will, but whatever things are inside my heart for you will never end na? How will I be able to face you?"

Alizeh: "Do you want to end them right now? And whatever that is inside my heart for you that will also never end na!"

Varun: "No I don't!"

Alizeh: "Neither do I want that to happen. Just like you always come in front of me, you will come like that only and you will shake hands with me like you used to do before"

Varun: "I will now, can't call you, neither have eye contact with you nor will I be able to see you properly!"

Alizeh: "Think of it like this, you are single and all this happened with you but I have a boyfriend and it is not like this that I am sad, I am happy with him and I like him but then I also started liking you, I don't know how yaar?"

Alizeh: "And how can you not call me, you will and we will have eye contact, I will play that stare game with you!"

Varun: "I don't know I just didn't want that to happen!'

Alizeh: "But it happened na Varun, can we do anything about it?"

Alizeh: "And you will be able to see me properly and I will sit with you in class, I dare you to say me no!"

Varun: "But Alizeh I haven't done anything special for you!"

Alizeh: "Then also yaar, it all happened by itself, love wasn't in my hands na?"

Varun: "I don't deserve this love, just understand this!"

Alizeh: "You do, what should I understand? I just don't want to move on from you, at least for now!"

Varun: "How can I take the love that belongs to someone else?"

Alizeh: "It does not belong to someone else, it's yours, That is something amazing somehow, I don't know why?"

Varun: "I don't know yaar, but do you want to move on from me?"

Alizeh: "I know na, it's yours and no I don't want to move on from you, just think of my condition, be it for me, just don't feel sad at least thinking of it as this is your fault."

Varun: "But I will feel sad and hurt na.Alizeh I am not like this who tries to mess up someone's relationship."

Alizeh: "You haven't messed up anyone's relationship, you are just supporting your bestie!"

Varun: "It's all my fault, I shouldn't have loved you, if I wouldn't have done that all of this wouldn't have happened!"

Alizeh: "When did you love me? And all of this happened by itself na, you didn't do anything. And You even never made a move!"

Varun: "But I don't know there is just so much guilt inside!"

Alizeh: "Same with me, but all this happened na, what can we do now?"

Varun: "I told you na that all of this will happen with me, that I will start liking someone who is already in a relationship, see what happened!"

Alizeh: "But I didn't know that this will happen with me, that even while being in a relationship, I will start liking someone else"

Varun: "I was really afraid as to how you will react after knowing this?"

Alizeh: "Did you really like me from the second semester?"

Varun: "We will discuss this after meeting someday. You just stay happy with whomsoever you want to be!"

Alizeh: "For me to stay happy I want you. I just don't know what is our relationship but you are my bestie and you always will be!"

Varun: "But at the end, I will have to get away for you and Kabir"

Alizeh: "No Varun you don't have to, but we can't tell Kabir we are talking to each other and you don't have to get away from me, I am handling everything, you just don't worry!"

Varun: "But isn't it wrong all of this?"

Alizeh: "Yes it is but I really can't let you go now!"

Varun: "I am not going anywhere, I am here always, but talking to each other without him knowing is really wrong and no relationship works on a lie you know that na?"

Alizeh: "I am also here with you always and yes I know that, so what should I do? Should I stop talking to you?"

Varun: "But you have to leave talking to me na!"

Alizeh: "No Varun please don't!"

Varun: "You can only love one person at a time!"

Alizeh: "Yes, I know, and if I say that I love you? But just I can't leave Kabir. I can just fuck up myself, but not him"

Varun: "So whenever he is comfortable I will talk to you!"

Alizeh: "We can't talk in front of him so how will you talk to me, on texts?"

Varun: "I will not come in front of him, I will just ignore both of you and leave even if I see you both"

Alizeh: "I will just come and slap you if you'll do that. You can just come and say "HI" to us."

Alizeh: "Okay then we will talk on Whatsapp, we will make some rules to talk to each other so that we can talk less, I just can't let you go away from me more than this, I can never! And we will talk to each other in the class and also at night and also we will not stop sharing things if I try very much then only I can stay this much away from you, just to stop talking to me is impossible for me."

Varun: "But at the end of the day what do you want? Just remember this, you can only keep one from both of us!"

Alizeh: "I want that, who can't be mine now! Yes I know and I understand this and it's very difficult you know"

Varun: "You can't stay good at both sides, one day or the other you need to choose!"

Alizeh: "If I chose Kabir, then I will I have to leave you forever and If I choose you, then I have to leave him, how do I make myself understand this, I don't know what should I do?"

Varun: "Take your time!"

Alizeh: "I need to, if I choose him then you will totally cut off from me?"

Varun: "No I will not, I will only talk to you if he feels comfortable!"

Alizeh: "Do you know Varun, I have gone through so much with Kabir that I don't know what I have with him if that is not love then I don't think so I have ever been in love."

Alizeh: "And when I started loving you I don't know, I just wanted to stay your best friend always but how and when this happened to me I don't know and I don't want to move on from you!"

Varun: "I shouldn't say this but I will forget you thinking of you as my first love!"

Alizeh: "You just called me your first love, is that true Varun?"

Varun: "It shouldn't really matter, but really you should choose Kabir over me!"

Alizeh: "Why? Please tell me, I need to know that I am our first love or not"

Varun: "Because he is really better for you in every way!"

Alizeh: "And how do you know that babba?"

Varun: "He cares for you probably more than I do, he just stays with you all the time, he just listens to you, understands you, and supports you always, he always thinks and does things for your betterment!"

Alizeh: "Varun you know, you are describing yourself not him!"

Varun: "Yes you are my first love!"

Alizeh: "I am sorry Varun, I will pray that you get your first love! I really will"

Varun: "I will pray that Kabir gets you!"

Alizeh: "Varun are you mad! Do you know that all this makes me fall more for you?"

Varun: "It shouldn't na!"

Alizeh: "But it does naa"

Varun: "Yaar I am nothing, he was there in your life when you needed him the most but I have just come recently only"

Alizeh: "Just say that one more time that you are nothing, I am not joking, no matter how much it hurts, I will never talk to you, never even If I have to cry!"

Varun: "I don't want that!"

Alizeh: "So okay then, just don't say that again. I told you recently that I love you and you are saying you are nothing, Idiot, buddhu, donkey, and you moron."

Alizeh: "Just let me say this one time."

Varun: "What?"

Alizeh: "I LOVE YOU! And you don't have to reply anything to it"

Varun: "Why are you doing this, why are you complicating things?"

Alizeh: "Because I just felt what I just told you, I will never say it again"

Varun: "These 3 words are very heavy you know that na?"

Alizeh: "Yes I know, but this feeling is very heavy I hope you know that?"

Varun: "When did you start liking me?"

Alizeh: "Middle of the third semester, you think of it from September 2019"

Varun: "I love you too! I also felt like that I should say, so I said it!"

Varun: "At that time toh really we both just started talking?"

Alizeh: "Shh na I told you na all this happened by itself, I had no control over it! And good you did say it AND you told me that you liked me from 2nd semester, that time toh really we only talked a little"

Varun: "Thank you so much for everything!"

Alizeh: "Thank you to Varun, for understanding and being there!"

Varun: "I had a certain respect for you because of which I started liking you, but just listen, think about Kabir, and not me, okay?"

Alizeh: "Varun shhhh, and you listen to me just sleep, your eyes must be aching, just sleep now we will talk tomorrow!"

Varun: "Okay, your eyes must be aching too, but tell me one thing are you happy na?"

Alizeh: "You are with me na?"

Varun: "Yes I am but I don't know till when I will be with you?"

Alizeh: "Till whatever time you are with me, I am happy and will try that you stay happy too!"

Varun: "You just think about your happiness, I will think of mine!"

Alizeh: "Till whatever time I am here, I will think about you!"

Varun: "Alizeh what happened to you suddenly, you didn't have anything for me till yesterday?"

Alizeh: "You say it was not there, but I know na it was there for a long time, Do you remember when I was drunk at Rahul's birthday, do you understand why I was with Kabir and you only, I was literally searching for you when you were not there around me. When I come to class I just wish that I sit with you in class, and if instead of me you are sitting with Ishani I just get upset I don't know why"

Varun: "But why yaar?"

Alizeh: "It's not my hands na, you understand this Varun!"

Varun: "Do you love me that much?"

Alizeh: "Yes, I love you that much!"

Varun: "This genuinely made my day!"

Alizeh: "Now sleep my love, Your eyes need rest now!"

Varun: "Didn't you think you'd go so frank with this?"

Alizeh: "Now if I am telling you everything so let me just be frank, I just wanted to say this to you for a long time!"

Varun: "But now we'll talk tomorrow night, till then what?"

Alizeh: "Till then just remember me, I will toh definitely remember you and just take care of yourself definitely have dinner okay please?"

Varun: "You too yaar, and listen, you don't have to do all this just because you feel guilty or you want to make me happy, I will adjust in my life somehow!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know this, I am not doing all of this because of whatever you are saying, I am doing all this because I want to do this! And you don't have to adjust!"

Varun: "But you are already in a relationship, you understand na, this will never happen!"

Alizeh: "Yes I know, I am trying na and never? How have you already thought that this will never happen?'

Varun: "But you really look good with Kabir!"

Alizeh: "And you look good with me! Now?"

Varun: "I am not saying that this will never happen, but I don't think so it will happen until college gets over, but what has happened to you? Are you drunk?"

Alizeh: "Loveeeeeeee, it's not necessary but just let's just believe for a moment nothing can happen between us, what should we do? Should we both forget each other? And I am in my full senses but today I just want to tell you everything!"

Varun: "But this love belongs to someone else!"

Alizeh: "Oh God!, you are so mature then why are you talking like a dumb person right now!"

Varun: "What you have for me na is not love, it's the likeness for me or just infatuation!"

Alizeh: "Ohhh, let's see, we are now slowly gonna cut down the time we talk to each other, and if this feeling fades then I will understand, okay na?"

Varun: "When you leave this habit you will understand!"

Alizeh: "And if that feeling stays the same and that does not happen then we will see what to do!"

Varun: "But these feelings will never get depreciated from me"

Alizeh: "Never?"

Varun: "Yes never!"

Varun: "Everything is going to change from tomorrow and I am really scared about it"

Alizeh: "Yes I know and I too feel scared!"

Varun: "Just remember this I love you and I always will!"

Alizeh: "I love you too! ( According to you I don't but according to me I always will!)"

Varun: "Yaar what has happened to both of us, we are openly confessing to each other everything!"

Alizeh: "I don't know yaar but whatever has happened it feels really good!"

Varun: "Just answer me one thing, when did you know love me?"

Alizeh: "I don't know yaar, it was just that I was talking to you so much, so I was just thinking from the past 3-4 days that there is something more, there was just a feeling. How much and what we were talking about to each other na, how we have seen each other at times made me feel that you like me!"

Varun: "But why did you want to have it out in the open?"

Alizeh: "That is one mistake that happened, I just hope that I haven't let it out, but I think it was important. Did you have any idea that I liked you?"

Varun: "No I didn't, I just thought if you would've liked me you would have given hints but you didn't!"

Alizeh: "See, me so sly. I don't need to give hints, It is not like that I always hold someone's hand and ask to take a picture with me idiot"

Varun: "But I don't deserve you, you know that na? You'll get better people than me in life"

Alizeh: "Oh God, please someone make him understand, he is listening to me. Varun, do you love me na?"

Varun: "A lot!"

Alizeh: "Then just shut up and don't ever say that again that I'll get better people than you!"

Varun: "But what about Kabir?"

Alizeh: "I don't know about it know yaar, I don't know what will I do, I just think if I choose him then I would have done so much wrong with you, I don't know, I am not able to think?"

Varun: "You just choose him, okay?"

Alizeh: "Then what about us Varun?"

Varun: "I can see wrong happening  with me but not with him!"

Alizeh: "This the only problem with both of us we can let anything wrong happen with him, but just leave right or wrong, what about us? Will we do not talk to each other? Will we just see and ignore each other?"

Varun: "We were always nothing. We will stay friends"

Alizeh: "Varun we were nothing officially but we were something emotionally, right ?. And can we stay like friends?"

Varun: "I don't know but we have to"

Alizeh: "Will I able to call you my best friend?"

Varun: "No"

Alizeh: "Okay just think, If I choose him now and I keep liking you and you keep liking me and in the future me and his break up, so will you accept me?"

Varun: "Always! I will always accept you for the way you are, just don't do wrong with anyone!"

Alizeh: "And I will always too and yes I will never do wrong. I promise!"

Varun: "Just let me say this one last time. I love you Alizeh! Even though you can't be mine in my life"

Alizeh: "I love you too Varun. And I know that feeling"

Alizeh: "You told me that you gave me hints"

Varun: "Yes I gave you hints, they are all in chats but I never gave you hints face to face, It doesn't really matter now, you would have said no to me then also and you are saying no now also."

Alizeh: "I didn't say you no because of that reason, I didn't even say no to you, if it's in my hands na, I will just come and hug you right away."

Varun: "This is the only problem, things are complicated now!"

Alizeh: "Very complicated, but we told each other that we will handle so we will"

Varun: "We have to, we can't be weak!"

Alizeh: "We won't be weak!"

Varun: "Sorry there is you and me and not we."

Alizeh: "Maybe there will be someday, till then we will manage!"

Varun: "Maybe not!"

Alizeh: "I want it to happen"

Varun: "Why are you sounding so desperate Alizeh, it is as if I am a toy and if you will not get me you will use start crying!"

Alizeh: "Are you mad, if it is like this then I will become calm after 4 days, which I know will not happen, you will just see it in some time, everything will stay the same and you will know!"

Varun: "And if all your feelings about me get depreciated then? I will forget you okay?"

Alizeh: "I know it won't happen, but if it did happen then I will not be able to forgive myself ever and I won't stay with Kabir either"

Varun: "But I just don't want your relationship to end like never"

Alizeh: "But why? Even if it means dating you?"

Varun: "Yes maybe!"

Alizeh: "But why Varun?"

Varun: "I don't know because I will feel guilty always that you guys broke up because of me. You guys are just made for each other!"

Alizeh: "No please don't feel guilty, nothing happened because of you and never will. And how do you know that?"

Varun: "I don't know I can just make out by looking at you guys!"

Varun: "Now just sleep okay, tomorrow you need to sort everything out will Kabir and just try to mend everything with him okay?"

Alizeh: "Yes I will, thank you Varun!"

Varun: "Good night!"

Alizeh: "Good night!"

With all these messages our chats ended that night and it was already 4 am, but I don't know why, I was tensed a lot. I was very emotional, happy, sad, and amazed that day. I didn't know how to handle what was going on, I had so many questions on my mind Whether she will choose me or not? Will, I ever get the person I love so much?, Does she really love me, or is she infatuated to me? Will, we ever be together, although not now but ever? Is she the one for me? Will, she give me the long gone happiness in my life? Will she be my strength and support always? Will, she understand me? Will she give me the warmth and support that I need?, And If not, will both of us remain best friends?.

With all these thoughts in mind, I wondered, I just wanted to scream out to everyone and say that yes I love you Alizeh and I will always love you. I wanted to tell her that

I will do everything in my power just to see you happy. I will support you in times of need and I will be your strength whenever you grow weak. I will hug you when you need me the most and I would never disappoint you, I will just do anything for you to just be mine for a moment. I just want to hold your hands and just sit with you and talk, nothing else, I just want you to be there for me, I want you to be my everything and I will try to be yours. All these thoughts ran through my mind and it was already 5 am and the next day we had to go for an outing i.e. on 10th November 2019 as Rahul was giving all of us not Alizeh and Kabir another treat, so I slept with all the tension on my mind.

When I got up and got ready, I was on my way to Rahul's room from my room and her message came again saying-

Alizeh: "Good morning, I know we have to talk at night, I will surely not message after this. You just enjoy today with everyone okay and I miss you ❤️"

Varun: "Okay, and you also enjoy with Kabir and just mend everything with him"

Alizeh: "I will mend everything I promise, I thought you will not reply to me!"

Varun: "Why shouldn't I? Yaar you always make me emotional I have to. And both of us are going through the same thing so we need to support each other"

Alizeh: "Idiot, we will! Did you guys already leave?"

Varun: "No we will leave around 12.30 pm"

Alizeh: "Okay, you just go and enjoy yourself with everybody, just don't think about me maybe you will feel better!"

Varun: "How can I not think about you? I always think about you!"

Alizeh: "No babba, just distract your mind, I just want you to be happy!"'

Varun: "And I want you to be happy, now no messages okay?"

Alizeh: "Okay!"

It was 12.30 pm and we all went to the hostel gate to leave, but as soon as I reached the gate I saw Alizeh and Kabir sitting on the bench near the gate. Maybe it was coincidental or I don't know why it happened, I got to know later from Alizeh that she went to talk to Kabir and both of them were either in the mess area or in front of G2 and as soon as the clock struck 12.30, she asked Kabir to just get up and come with her and sit on the bench near the hostel gate. She told me that she did all this just to see me later when we discussed it later. After that, I just had eye contact with Alizeh and we all then went from there.

No one had any idea about what I was going through except Rahul. Just as Alizeh said I was trying to be happy, that day was quite different, actually, some protests were going on in Jaipur that's why the internet connectivity was turned off, so I didn't have an internet connection that day, so I had no conversation with Alizeh throughout the day. We all went to eat lunch and then went to the mall as the girls wanted to do some shopping. It was quite a wonderful day although I was tensed about Alizeh all the time, nobody noticed it on my face but yes I was going through a lot and I just smiled throughout. I just remember one moment at the mall when LAG JA GALE was playing in the mall I just stood there for a moment with my eyes becoming numb and missed Alizeh even more as it was her favorite song. As soon as I reached the hostel my internet was turned on again, there were some messages from Alizeh which said-

Alizeh: "Hey are you free for 10 minutes?"

Alizeh: "I was just feeling very alone, I just waited for you, and I slept!"

Alizeh: "Listen to this song if you haven't" (The song was BAARISHIEN by ANUV JAIN, after listening to that song I instantly fell in love with its lyrics, what an amazing song it was)

Alizeh: "Now I will talk to you at night, I am just going for dinner, you also eat dinner and listen"

Varun: "Go on I am listening"

Alizeh: "How are you?"

Varun: "Trying to be happy just as you said"

Alizeh: "Please do!"

Varun: "How are you?"

Alizeh: "I will tell you about me when we talk at night, actually not okay!"

Varun: "Please be okay, and tell me about it at night"

Alizeh: "Did you feel good today going out?"

Varun: "Yes I feel quite good and more I will tell you at night!"

Alizeh: "Okay, by the way, the white jacket was smart! Just wear it sometimes it looks good on you"

Varun: "It's not mine, it's Rahul's!"

Alizeh: "Idiot and where is your white jacket?"

Varun: "It's in my Room"

Alizeh: "Fuck man, I have smiled just now in the whole day!"

Varun: "At least I made you smile!"

Alizeh: "You always do!"

After that, I just went to my room and relaxed for some time, and then we all went to eat dinner. After the dinner as per the routine, we all went to sit outside G2 but I saw Alizeh and Kabir outside G2, so I asked Akash to accompany me to just go and sit somewhere else while the rest of them sat outside G2. I neither had the strength to face both of them together nor I wanted to, so Akash and I went to sit near the jogging track. After some minutes her message came saying-

Alizeh: "Where are you?",

Varun: "At the jogging track!"

Alizeh: "Why? Everybody is here, why you aren't here, Come na outside G2!"

Varun: "Don't chat with me!"

Alizeh: "I am alone, Kabir is not here with me, come naa!"

Varun: "I just can't, I promised Kabir!"

Alizeh: "What Varun, why? Varun, we are in the same class, why are you talking like this? Okay so, I will go to the room, you just stay with everyone please!"

Varun: "No yaar, okay I am coming wait!"

Alizeh: "At least you all don't sit at different places because of me! And Thanks!"

I went there and I saw her sitting with the gang, and laughing and enjoying but I can easily make out from her face that she wasn't happy sitting there, her eyes were numb and said a lot of things. I just got there and sat there, without saying much to anyone. I just sat there silently and guess what Alizeh did, she just got up from there and sat right just in front of me on the floor, just to see me, however much it made me overwhelmed I just couldn't do it so I shifted more towards the right and just sat in the corner.

She then messaged me again- "Why don't you just go and sit farther from me?", so I just shifted a little bit towards her to make her smile. Then she came and sat right next to me, folded her hands, and kept them on her knees, with her head resting on those hands and she just kept on looking at me. Her eyes said a lot to me, it was like she just wanted to see me the whole day, she just wants me to be there for her that day, she wanted me to hold her hands and support her but unfortunately, I wasn't there, and I just told her "Don't worry, everything will be alright" in front of all the people. It was like nobody could hear us talking, it was our moment, our lovely little peaceful moment in which we both just sat there and kept on looking at each other. She then said "You know what, it is very difficult to get a person this good!, you are really good!", this just made me overwhelmed, and then it was time for all of us to just get back to our rooms as the clock struck 11 pm, so I told her "Goodbye!" and she told me that "I will message you!". It was really hard but I had to leave so I just went as I had a college meeting to attend.

During the meeting we both continued to text each other, all the general and romantic stuff as usual, like this we ended the day and slept. The next day was supposed to be different, because after the confession and after the weekend ended, it was the first day for us to attend the classes together. She messaged me that we will go to class together, so in the morning I called her to wake her up and after getting ready both of us went to class together.

In the class we talked, a lot, it was not like we were in a relationship but it sure felt like one. We used to look at each other with a lot of love in both of our eyes, sometimes I just kept looking at her and she used to ask me "What are you looking at?", I replied "I am just looking at you! Any problem?" And she used to say "Ohh, no problem, then look at me properly, did anyone stop you?" And I used to smile and say "No". I don't know what was it but I can surely tell it wasn't fake, no one can ever act out like this and make somebody feel that way. For a moment I wondered that whatever she tells me is for real and it's not her guilt or infatuation but I intended to ignore it as I didn't know anything for sure, but all of this really was changing who I was. What I felt for her had now started to evolve and grow more and more, it was like this feeling gave me all the more strength to face the difficulties, it helped me to smile in all the situations. Having her by my side was the best possible thing that could have happened to me and it was like I was living the best dream of my life and I never wanted to get out of it.

As we both were sitting and talking to each other in the class, we got to know there were no more classes for the rest of the day so I told her "We should both go to hostel and rest in our respective rooms", but she told me that she felt hungry and she asked me to accompany her to the old mess for some snacks, so I went with her. After taking the snacks we just sat and talked to each other. I tried to persuade her to choose Kabir and not me, and she told me "Why are you forcing me? Shouldn't it be my decision?", what more could I have said. I then just sat silently and listened to what she had to say, then we just sat there and chatted with each other for about an hour. I told her that Rahul knows about us and you can talk to him, as I felt that there must be a person who could speak for both of us as he is close to both of us and I knew that he will be impartial in his advice because he cared for Alizeh and her decisions much more than me so I told her that "I did this because I wanted that you should have somebody to talk to and I knew you will feel comfortable with him" and she thanked me and then we went to our rooms.

But as you all know God does not want the happiness in my life to last long, so another setback happened which just broke me, which made me realize that whatever it that we were doing is wrong. Although it doesn't feel like this if we look practically into the situation, all that we were doing was very wrong. So after the dinner, Alizeh asked Rahul to meet as she wanted to talk to him, obviously, Rahul told her "Take your time and decide accordingly, there is no hurry, I only want your peace" and Rahul gave her the support she needed as he was his brother.

I just didn't go there as it was not right for me to do, so I remained at a distance and watched them. Then Kabir came there and all three of them just sat and chatted, so I decided to just go away as I had to purchase some snacks. I just went to the shop and sent a snap to her via Snapchat, though it was quite normal as I used to send snaps to all of my friends and she was one of my friends too, so nothing should have happened, but as soon as I sent my snap she opened it there right in front of Kabir. What she told me was Kabir didn't open the snap, she did and Kabir was looking at her phone, as soon as the snap went away Kabir saw a snippet of our chat, actually, it was a set of forwarding messages which Kabir had sent her discussing our problem which she sent me. So Kabir saw those and became angry with her saying to her "Why are you discussing their fights and discussions with him, I told you to stay away from him" and all that. While Rahul stood there and did nothing. She told me that she managed to calm him down, but he was not in a great mood after that and it was near 11 pm

so all of them went to the room.

In the meantime as all of this was happening Rahul called me and said "Don't just come here now!" And he then disconnected the call and also my phone was just discharged so I went to Rahul's room and kept the phone on charging and I asked Rahul to come out of the room as I wanted to talk to him. He came out and sat there for almost half an hour and he told me all about it. While I didn't have my phone with me, I didn't know that Alizeh was tensed in the meantime, she was messaging me for the past half an hour and even called me a few times and when I didn't answer she called Rahul and asked "Where is Varun?", so he gave me his phone and she told me "Where the hell are you? When aren't you replying me or picking up my calls?", I told her that my phone was discharged, she then asked me to "Just get up and reply to the messages now!".

I grabbed my phone and went to my room and I saw her messages and I replied-

Alizeh: "Did Rahul message you or should I tell you what happened? We shouldn't use Whatsapp or Snapchat, tell me is Viber or WeChat good for you? And please reply as soon as possible, I am very much tensed? Varun, where are you? Reply me na, reply me now!"

Varun: "Yes I am here!"

Alizeh: "We can't talk on Whatsapp or Snapchat but at least I need to talk to you now, just tell me where do you want to talk?"

Varun: "On-Call?"

Alizeh: "Kabir is on the call and also my roommate is awake, she can't know! I can't say anything on call"

Varun: "WTF!"

Alizeh: "What happened!"

Varun: "Nothing"

Alizeh: "Just say na"

Varun: "Nothing, what happened to Snapchat?"

Alizeh: "Just download we chat and I will tell you and yes, if you don't want to talk to me, I understand!"

Varun: "WeChat is getting downloaded"

Alizeh: "When WeChat gets downloaded just text me, I am blocking you from What's app, because things are going out of hand now!"

Varun: "OK!"

Alizeh: "Varun I am really sorry!"

Varun: "I know and I am also sorry for everything! For messing up your life"

Alizeh: "You shouldn't be, I should probably leave you and I will probably leave him too, I have already hurt both of you enough! And you just shut up, you didn't mess up anything"

Varun: "You deserve much better in your life, not a fucking idiot like me!"

Alizeh: "Fuck off yaar, I need you right now and not this!"

Varun: "Yeah I am fucking off, probably I should die right now"

Alizeh: "Varun please yaar and shut the fuck up!"

Varun: "What Alizeh? Everything is over right now!"

Alizeh: "I know it is and if WeChat is downloaded then message me there!"

After this I got a call from Rahul saying "Hey moron, what are you saying to her, she is very tensed yaar. She called me now asking me to stop Varun from saying all these things, please don't say it" and I told him okay. I then opened WeChat to chat with her, but what happened was that I became very negative. I don't know why but I grew very weak that day, I just didn't know what to do and she told me that "Don't be weak and even if you grow weak I will be there with you to give strength!"

But I didn't know why I just couldn't control myself that day and I broke down and just started crying in my room. Then Alizeh called me and told me "I am here, please just don't cry Varun, I also don't know what we should do. We will do whatever you say, just please stop crying, I couldn't see you like this", this gave me strength but my eyes were still numb with both of us in a very helpless state of what to do now. We just couldn't let both of us go from so much pain, again and again, so we just gave each other support and talked to each other, and then as I was tired so I slept. But she was more tensed and couldn't sleep the whole night and kept on texting me -

Alizeh: "Just listen to this song okay, I love this!" (It was HAMARI ADHURI KAHAI title track)

Alizeh: "It's good that you slept, idiot!"

Alizeh: "Varun yaar I don't know what decision I will take, I also don't know whether it will be right or wrong for us. I just know that I will stay your best friend always. If anything happens I will always be with you, no matter what, even if I am single or if I am Kabir's Girlfriend or yours, I will support you always. This is my promise to you and you have all the right to be near me and talk to me, no matter whatever happens."

Alizeh: "Listen to the these to songs also, and I love a line in the second one, just guess it for me, will you?"(Songs were SOMEBODY'S ME by Enrique Iglesias and other was JUDAAI from Badlapur)

Alizeh: "By the way wake me up in the morning, otherwise I will not be able to come to class!"

Alizeh: "I just can't sleep today, I am feeling a lot of nervousness and restlessness today, I just feel like running from here to someplace else, just away from everybody!"

That was the last message that night from her and after that, as she was tired, she slept and so did I only to wake up to a beautiful morning the next day.