Chapter 37: Hating And Loving

Megan's POV

I can't deny I miss Ashton, and it is official—I am going crazy. All I want is to forget him ever since I left Astikoz, after all the things he had done to me. God knows how much I tried to stop myself from longing to see and be with him. I couldn't believe that I would be feeling this way for the entire week after meeting him again. I was hoping to receive another bouquet from him, but I always went home empty-handed.

I was thinking about joining that high school reunion, but I am also scared of meeting him because I only spent a half-day with him, and now my mind is in chaos—and how much more if I am going to meet him with our classmates? I am sure it would be another disaster for me.

"Come on, Megan, you have to decide now, or else we can no longer attend the reunion," Alice said, and I could tell she was getting impatient. She has been bugging me for how many days now that we should attend our high school reunion, but I didn't give her my reply yet because I am still thinking about it over and over again, but I still end up with the same conclusion.

"Alice, I don't think it is the best idea for now. I don't think I can handle it if I am going to meet Ashton again, and I don't want to hide anything anymore from you. I hate that I am missing him like crazy," I declared, and she beamed at me.

"I know all about it, Megan. You don't need to tell me because even if you're hiding it from me, I could still see that you are having a hard time because of your ex. And why are you doing this to yourself? He came into your house and begged you to give him a chance to be with you and Axel," she declared.

"Correction, Al, he wanted to have a chance with our son and not with me, and that is what I am upset about because we both know that he is getting married, and that is why I can't allow him to be with Axel. Because I can't deny I will be in pain again once I learn about his life, and I don't think we can be friends, Alice. After everything that happened between us, there is no way we can be civil toward each other," I declared.

"You don't know about that yet, Megan. You haven't tried doing it, so I think the best thing you can do now is give him a chance to know your son. Tell him the truth and don't give him false information because it will only lead to another problem, Meg," my best friend responded.

"And I know you will be the one who will suffer—and worse, your son. So while it is still early, I think you should do the right thing. You don't want your son to hate you, right?" Alice said, and I felt like my entire body shivered.

"Of course not, but I am sure Axel will understand at the right time," I insisted.

"It is all up to you, Megan. You know I will always be here supporting your every decision, but I think this time you've got it wrong, girl. You can never say that Axel will understand because he knew that his father came into your house. And how are you going to tell him when he asks you why you didn't tell him who his father is?" Alice declared, and I was lost for words as I tried to look at my monitor.

"Stop avoiding the issue, Meg. You have to face it whether you like it or not. Ashton and Axel both need to know the truth, and you are the only one who has the power to tell them. But if you want, I can tell Ashton the truth," she said, and my eyes got so big.

"Besides, Ashton already knew the truth, and what he needs is a confirmation coming from you since he got the evidence that he needed to know that Axel is his son. But I think he still wants to hear the reality coming from your mouth because I can tell he is still in love with you," she started, and I laughed as I tried to hide my face turning so red.

"Stop talking nonsense, Alice," I replied.

"Yeah, it was nonsense, but I could see how your face flushed," she declared, and I fell silent.

"Even if Ashton has the hunch that he is Axel's father, I know the reason why he stopped sending you flowers, and I think it was because Gael asked your ex to stop bothering you. And since you told Ashton that Gael is the father of your child, he thought that you are in a relationship with the hot singer. And if you don't want Ashton to bother you anymore, why not make Gael the real father of Axel by marrying him?" Alice said, and I was shocked by her words; I shook my head.

"Why are you shaking your head, Megan? You have to acknowledge that I am right, and that is the best way you can avoid Ashton Pritzgold. And for heaven's sake, Megan, you have to decide now because you are no longer a teenager. You have been hating and loving Ashton for eight years now. You were the smartest in our class, yet you can't get the final answer of what you want to do with him. Choose one, Megan—hate or love him," she said.

And Alice's words made me feel so disturbed as I drove home, and I felt relaxed when I found Axel and Clara waiting for me on the front porch. My son ran toward me, shouting the word "Mommy" several times after I got out of my car, and I was walking toward the front steps, smiling ear to ear as I listened to his sweet voice.

I could tell just one sweet smile from my son would make me feel better, and that is why after office hours, I no longer have a social life. I didn't even go to the mall even if Alice kept asking me because I wanted to be with Axel right away. And it is a bit of a long drive from Majuscule to Megalopre, but I don't mind because I can't wait to have bonding moments with Axel. Motherhood made me more mature, and even if I miss the remainder of my teenage years, I will never trade it for the gratification I felt the moment I became a mother to my twins.

"Mom, when is Uncle Ashton coming back?" Axel asked, and I suddenly felt my throat dry as I tried to smile at my son.

"Hmm, Axel, Ashton is so busy running his company, and why do you ask, my dear?" I asked, and I could see the sadness on his face, and I could tell this was bad.

"Well, he told me he will always find time for me if I wanted to play football with him. I hope he can come here this coming Saturday," he replied, and I got down on my knees, and I cupped his face.

"I am sorry, buddy," I said, bringing him closer to me.

"It is okay, Mom. All I need is to look at the sky tonight with Nanny Clara," he said, and I raised my eyebrow.

"And why do you need to do that?" I asked, feeling excited for his answer.

"Because I can't make a wish list yet since it is not yet Christmas, so I will wait for a shooting star tonight, and I will make a wish that Uncle Ashton will no longer be busy, and he will find time to be with me," my son said, and I felt so guilty. He didn't need to look for a shooting star or make a wish list to see Ashton—it was only at the tip of my fingertips, and I could make it happen. How long do I need to feel this guilt? How can I be this selfish for my own son's happiness?

Maybe Axel can feel that Ashton was his dad since I couldn't believe he only spent a half-day with Ashton, and he couldn't forget about him already. And I realized maybe because he was a football player, that is why he wanted to be with him.

"Don't worry, baby, Mom will find a way," I said as I realized I was willing to do everything for Axel.

"Thank you, Mom, and I know you are the best mom in the world," he said, and I felt guiltier. I stood up, held his hand, and we got inside the house.

We ate dinner, and after he took a bath, we studied his lessons together. I was staring at my son's face after I tucked him into his bed, and I couldn't stop myself from remembering his words. I wondered how I was going to face and ask Ashton to come to our house and play football with my son.

"I know it, Megan. Axel will be the reason you need to reach out to Ashton, and I know you will say no again, and you will disappoint your son because of your pride?" she asked, and I shook my head as I focused my attention on the road. We were on our way to the nature retreat center, and I am glad Ava said yes the moment I sent her the plane ticket. She was excited to spend her weekend with her nephew, and I felt delighted Axel was thrilled when he learned his Aunt Ava was coming.

"I just want to remind you, Alice, we are not only talking about my pride here but my heart as well," I responded, and my best friend fell silent.

I was hoping this retreat would give me enough time to think about what to do with my personal life between Ashton and me, and I wanted to have a word with Gael if ever I decide to let Ashton know the truth. Yes, I needed this kind of activity to weigh things over. And I hate to admit that Alice was right... I had been hating and loving my ex for eight years now, and I was hoping I could do something about it, too, without breaking my heart.