Chapter 5

/La Provincia de la Laguna de Bay, June, 1710/

Years seem to pass by so swiftly. Like a nighttime drive, arriving so soon just after you started stepping on the gas just moments ago.

     Lucas is now eighteen. The village-folk regards him as one of the mightiest villagers that they have. He is likened to the rare, but hardy Narra trees that the villagers are able to cut down from time to time. Whose woods are only meant to be turned into the finest lumber, having a bit of a red hue – like the red flush he always has on his cheeks – and having the timber not equivalent to any other type of wood. He’s the one in the spotlight now, before was Kai Parker – however, he’d prefer to rather not be in the spotlight, but to be a normal villager instead.

     He would rather be like Soleil – frail, thin, malnourished – a plant that has grown wild, undiscovered and has very little value for anyone. He would rather be left alone in the forest, among with the other secluded trees which have little strength and no value, he didn’t want the recognition, he wants to be alone to flourish on his own and be free – instead of something being planned to be cut down after reaching its peak.

     He finishes chopping their stock of firewood and lifts the rice off of the small charcoal stove. He then heads to his favorite spot by the river, next to the big boulder,  just across the village community garden.

     He brings out his journal and a charcoal stick from his pocket and decides to sketch what seems like a fish having its rest near the rocks in the middle of the quiet river. Lucas has improved his drawing skills ever since five years ago. It has become one of his talents in which his parents pride upon, saying that Lucas will become an artist in the future and shall rise them out of poverty. Sadly, the journal is only the size of the palm of his hand, therefore he cannot create sceneries of what he wants – today, he is on his few last pages for the current journal.

     Little did his parents know that he does not pray to the traditional deities of their village. He has never received one blessing from them which made him lose confidence with trying to connect with them. He prays to the one that Soleil used to pray to – the ones who are full of mischief. He still prays to the original deities if his parents are around, but it’s mostly for show and status.

     As far as he is concerned, none of his prayers have been answered. However, he seems to notice that they are listening, but rather, indirectly.

     His mother once invited three young ladies – about fifteen to sixteen years of age – for dinner so he could choose among them to be his partner.

     That night, he prayed to his deities for the ladies to lose interest in him, and the following week the three ladies we’re both betrothed to Kai Parker, and two other high-class men of the village. This upset his mother greatly, since those women were from rich families and she was hoping for Lucas to be able to share their luxury with them. Lucas was thankful for he knows that this was the deities’ doings.

     No one knows what Lucas’ heart truly desires he prefers men over women when it comes to having a partner. In their village practice, it is a considered a sin. Which is why he never told anyone anything, not even his father whom he felt closest to the most. It’s his darkest secret that only the deities know.

     Lucas doesn’t want a partner. He wants to be free from responsibilities, from any form of marriage, he wanted to travel the world – not stay stuck in Biñan like his parents, or those of his relatives before him.

     He leans back into the boulder and tries to balance the journal on his lap. He takes out his charcoal sticks and sharpens the tip on the boulder next to him, on the area just next to his face. This brings the ends of the sticks to a point. It makes finer and darker lines which makes the images sharper and more contoured. The image of the fish and the image of the flowing river becomes looking more alive that one can even say that the river in his drawing is moving.

     Oddly, at every unused space, there are sketches – Lucas’ secret, his ideal partner.

     A partner made from his dreams. A partner so perfect that he always seems to forget his exact features. A partner that even the deities would assert against to be given just to achieve his desire.

     This partner, sadly, is only in his imagination. A fragment of his artistic mind. Someone who he longs to be with, but will sadly never be true.

     He couldn’t remember how it happened, but on his 18^th birthday he immediately knew what kind of person he wanted to spend his lifetime with. He has been having doubts about his feelings since he was fifteen years old, but now he is finally sure that he does indeed like men.

     Brown piercing eyes.

     Tall, tanned skin.

     A toned body, with a muscular chest and defined stomach – Lucas could care less for abs, but he wanted someone who actually knows how to take care of themself.

     Someone who smelled of bread being baked, and no body hair.

     He always despised them. He would use all of the sharpness of the blade to remove all of his body hair whenever they regrew. He was never comfortable having them regardless of what anyone said. He wanted that clean feeling for himself and other’s opinions didn’t matter.

     The perfect partner. A man he has never met – and never will.

     Whenever he feels uneasy, he would go back and continue drawing. He is now tracing over the outlines. Whenever he cannot sleep, he brings out his journal to stare at him. His deep manly voice. His joyful laughter. The way he would be able to look at him if he was real. He stays awake trying his best to imagine his partner lying next to him, his hand holding his cheek as it trails down his chest and reaches for his hand.

     Even though his thoughts will always be fantasies and lies, the thoughts of having a perfect partner makes the experience seem so wonderful – and real.

     ‘Lucas, I would do everything I can to help you achieve your dream,’ his partner promises.

     ‘I love you, but you don’t have to. None of it matters anyway,’ Lucas answers as a tear slides down his cheek.

     ‘Yes, they do. You matter to me, and that’s enough to keep my promises,’ his partner replies with assurance.