EPILOGUE

I didn’t mean to raise my hand that day—the first time I caught her glaring at me with her beautiful brown-ish eyes. I was just yawning, stretching my arms, and about to go back to my seat when the teacher called my name to answer that Math flashcard. I can’t buy sweets for my sister because Mama doesn’t want us to talk with her or even go near her, so I was kind of happy and excited about that cheap chocolate. It was supposedly for Nish but when I saw her crying, I impulsively asked our teacher to give it to her.

The fact that she’s a girl, I can’t help but panic and unconsciously put Nish in her shoes. What if she was my sister, would they have the same reaction? I don’t know why she hated me since that day but I didn’t bother to know the reason. I don’t care. At first, I don’t give a d*mn about it.

Kahit palaging galit at nakasimangot sa tuwing magkasama o magkatabi kami, ang ganda pa rin talaga niya. Matalino pa! Masungit nga lang. Gusto ko talagang makipagkaibigan sa kaniya kaso ang sama ‘lagi ng tingin sa akin. Tipong iniisip ko pa lang na kausapin siya, para bang nararamdaman niya na ‘to agad at awtomatiko niya akong panlilisikan ng mata. I admit, she was a bit scary but it’s no big deal. At least, she always noticed my presence, right?

Nang tumuntong na kami ng high school ay saka ko pa lang napagtanto kung anong dahilan at bakit galit na galit siya sa akin. Lalo pa ngang sumiklab, e. I wanted her to be my friend but I couldn’t let her have what she wanted; I didn’t back down and even did better. I just can’t disappoint my parents just to be her friend. I was young and too scared of my mother’s criticism, dagdag pa na ako ang panganay sa aming magkakapatid. I can’t risk it.

When Rico came, the eagerness to be friends with her disappeared. I thought I was already satisfied, not until I started to be bothered and feel grumpy whenever I saw her laughing with our guy classmates, telling jokes with them, playing along with them—but not with me. I don’t know how and when it started, all I knew is that… I don’t want to be her friend anymore. I wanted something more than that.

I didn’t chase after her when she ran away the moment I intertwined my fingers with hers and even told Analice that we were dating. Nakonsensiya ako dahil halatang nabigla siya sa ginawa ko, I’m actually nervous doing that sneaky move pero hindi ko ‘yun pinagsisihan. Despite the guilt, it was the best feeling ever. Ang lambot, gagi. Mas malambot pa sa tuhod ko sa tuwing nagkakaroon ako ng pagkakataong titigan siya kapag nakangiti siya.

Isipin mo, nakahawak-kamay mo ‘yung crush mo kahit sandali lang? Kilig na kilig ako sa mga pinagagagawa ko kahit na halatang-halata sa mukha niya na hindi na talaga siya natutuwa sa akin. Sige, sabihin na nating makapal talaga ang mukha ko—confident na makapal ang mukha pero anong magagawa ‘ko? Gusto ko siya, e. Siya lang.

Abala ako sa pag-iisip kung ano na naman bang pakulo ang gagawin ko para magpapansin sa kaniya nang biglang umakbay sa akin si Migz.

“‘Tol, alam mo ba—”

“Hindi pa, ‘t*ngina mo. Kung tungkol na naman ‘yan sa mga babae mo ay lumayo-layo ka sa akin at hindi ako interesado,” anas ko.

“Oo nga, huwag mo nga kaming idinadamay sa pagiging hopeless romantic mo kay Analice. Kaya hindi ka pinapansin, e. Mukha ka na ngang baluga, babaero ka pa. Ang lakas naman talaga ng loob mo, ano?” kantiyaw ni Rico kaya nasakal siya ni Migz ng wala sa oras.

“Mga g*go, tungkol ‘to sa balak manligaw kay Prinsesa sa kabilang strand! Ayaw niyo bang malaman? Sige, madali naman akong kausap.”

Akmang maglalakad na ito paalis pero mabilis na lumipad ang kamay ko para hilahin ang likod ng kaniyang kuwelyo. “Sino? Anong strand?”

Cinderella is literally the epitome of ‘beauty and brains’ and for me, she’s the most attractive girl on our campus. Alam ‘kong marami akong karibal but I don’t think I have to do something about it when almost all of them are afraid to confess their feelings to her. She’s intimidating enough to scare those guys but not me. Definitely, not me.

She doesn’t want me around, I’m very aware of that. It’s not like we weren’t used to sitting next to each other but since she has no choice, she would just avoid me throughout the day. She will talk to me only if it’s necessary—o kapag inis na inis na talaga siya sa akin. Wala akong balak na lubayan siya kaya mas mabuting masanay siya na ‘lagi lang akong nasa paligid at anumang oras ay handang guluhin siya.

Hindi ko naman ipipilit kung alam kong wala akong pag-asa, e. Alam kong meron—nararamdaman ko. Isipin man niyang ako ang pinaka-matinik niyang kalaban, kakampi niya ako sa lahat ng bagay. Her battles are mine too although, sometimes I cannot be with her because my hands are full with my own.

“‘Ma, she was only 9… My sister was only 9. How could you do that to her…?” nagpipigil ng luha’t inis na bulalas ko. “D-Do you know how lonely she could be wherever she is right now? I want to know where she is so, I could just visit her if you’re not planning to keep her in again in this house! Anong magagawa ng pagsusustento ni Papa, kung hindi naman ‘yun ang talagang kailangan niya? She needs affection from her father! She also needs Papa like we do—she needs family, ‘Ma. We can be her family but you’re just too ruthless to accept her! Napaka-tigas mo, ‘Ma. Oo, bunga siya ng pagkakamali ni Papa pero hindi niya kasalanan ‘yun! Naririnig mo ba ako, ‘Ma? It wasn’t her fault!”

Hindi natinag si Mama at nanatiling galit ang ekspresyon habang nangingilid ang mga luha. I don’t want to see her cry but she was being too much. Hanggang kailan ba niya panghahawakan ang galit niya sa kataksilan ni Papa? Labas si Nish kung ano mang pagtataksil na nagawa ni Papa noon. Hindi dapat siya ang nagdurusa.

“Don’t use that tone on me, Alessandro. I am your mother! Why do you care so much about that child? Hindi ko siya anak—hindi siya nanggaling sa akin, kaya hindi niyo siya kapatid!”

Nang umalis si Nish sa bahay or more like pina-alis siya sa bahay dahil lang sa kadahilanang baka raw malaman na may anak sa labas si Papa, mas naging magulo para sa akin intindihin ang salitang ‘pamilya’. Ganito ba dapat ‘yun? Mas iisipin mo pa ba ang sasabihin ng ibang tao kaysa sa kapakanan ng sarili mong kadugo? Alam kong si Mama ang may gustong paalisin si Nish but Papa could’ve done something for his daughter. Kahit sabihin pa na susustentuhan pa rin naman niya si Nish, ‘t*ngina, e hindi naman matutumbasan ng kahit gaano pa kalaking halaga ang aruga ng isang magulang.

Kahit anong pilit ko, ayaw nilang sabihin kung nasaan na ang kapatid namin. I am her oldest brother and it’s my responsibility to look after my siblings. But how could I do that? I don’t even know where on Earth she could be. Paano kung mag-isa lang siya? Paano kung walang nag-aalaga sa kaniya do’n? Just thinking about it breaks my heart.

Sa kabila ng lungkot at inis, sinubukan kong tunawin ‘yun sa pamamagitan ng pagpapaka-busy sa pag-aaral at ng nararamdaman ko kay Cindy. Pakiramdam ko nahulog ulit ang loob ko sa kaniya sa hindi ko na mabilang kung pang-ilang pagkakataon nang bigla na lang niya akong bigyan ng regalo. It was probably for the Calculus reviewer I gave and knowing her? Alam kong ayaw lang niya akong pasalamatan ng maayos. I don’t mind ‘tho. The fact that she thought of giving me something in return was enough to electrify every system in my body.

A guitar strap with my name on it… It was the best present I’ve ever received. I kept it and the note that came with it, kung hindi ko lang naitapon ‘yung lalagyan sa sobrang galak ay talagang pati ‘yun ay itatago ko rin. Sa takot ko na baka masira, hindi ko ito ginamit ni isang beses. Ipina-glass box ko pa! I wanted to use it until it’s already worn out but just by thinking it’s from Cindy and gifts from her might never come again, I might as well just keep it new and unused.

She still hates me in our last year of high school but she became a little… softer. Iniiwasan niya pa rin naman ako ngunit may mga panahon na nakikita kong nagkakaroon na siya ng pakialam sa akin. Akala ko nagkakamabutihan na kami dahil may mga pagkakataon na, hindi na niya ako itinutulak palayo pero matapos kong umamin sa kaniya ay parang bumalik na naman kami sa umpisa. Hindi ko matanggap na hindi niya ako pinaniwalaan noong unang beses na umamin ako sa kaniya kaya sinubukan ko ulit. Although, I was not expecting that I’d get carried away to the point that I impulsively kissed her that Senior Ball Night.

I was about to apologize that Monday but then the final exam results were announced. Hindi ko alam pero nang magkumahog siyang tumakbo palabas ng classroom, hindi ko na kinailangan pang mag-isip at basta na lang siyang sinundan.

I witnessed how she broke down. I painfully wanted to comfort her, hug her and dry her tears until she calmed down. But how could I possibly do that? She was having a hard time because of me. I cannot be her crying shoulder and someone she can hold onto. I can’t give her the comfort she needed when I was the reason behind her frustrations.

Hindi ko na kaya pang makita siyang nahihirapan dahil sa akin kaya mas minabuti ko na lang na umalis. I ran away. We flew to France and Mamita died, her death wrecked me even more. That time, I feel so shattered and hopeless. Hindi ko na magawang takasan pa ang naipon kong lungkot. Wala na akong mapaghugutan ng lakas ng loob dahil malaki pa rin ang tampo ko sa mga magulang ko at hindi ko rin ugaling sumandal sa mga kapatid ko sa panahong kailangan rin nila ako bilang sandigan. I felt so lost, but no one knew about that.

It took me months to finally stand on my own again without having to force myself. Those months were long and dark that they feel like years—and those were the first months without me, thinking about Cindy. Ni hindi ko nga namalayan ang mga nangyari sa bahay, basta nang tuluyan na akong mabalik sa katinuan ay kasama na namin ulit si Nish sa bahay and Mama was treating Nish like she is her only child. Ang nakakatawa pa ay bigla kaming naechapuwera nina Cho at halos maging alipin na lang ng nag-iisa naming babaeng kapatid. After years of longing for our sister, Mama finally let go of their painful past and accepted her wholeheartedly.

My life got so much better until I entered law school. Hindi ko alam kung pareho lang ba sa Pinas ang sistema ng law school dito sa France pero put*ngina, halos malagutan muna ako ng hininga bago tuluyang maka-graduate at pumasa ng bar exam. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko kinayang pagsabayin ang pag-aaral at ang pag-aasikaso ng sarili kong restaurant, e.

“Merde,” mahina kong singhal dahil umiikot na ang paningin ko sa sobrang antok at pagod. Marami pa akong kailangan aralin kaya kahit gustong-gusto ko nang humimbing ay hindi puwede. Ultimong pag-inom ng tubig ay parang aksaya pa sa oras habang nagbabasa ng cases.

Sa mismong araw na lumabas ang resulta ng bar exam, naisipan kong buksan lahat ng social media accounts ko at halos malunod sa dami ng chats ni Enrico. Sa isang platform pa lang, 578 messages  na agad ang galing sa kaniya. Amp*ta, sabik na sabik? Parang g*go talaga.

Enrico: Nalaman ko kay Cho na abog*go ka na raw. Sabi ni Kheena, mahirap raw ang Law diyan sa France, ah? Congratulations, Atty. Villantura! Umuwi ka na ng Pinas, ‘t*nginamo

Enrico: Ano, reto ko na ba sa iba ‘tong bebe mo? Tagal mo umuwi, e

Most of the messages are candid pictures and videos of Cindy. That sneaky b*stard. I don’t know why he sent these to me but I am somehow glad that he did. From their college years until their graduation… Wow, I can’t believe I missed every achievement she had after high school. Lumipas man ang maraming taon, talagang napakaganda pa rin niya kahit pa 'laging nakasimangot.

“Bon dieu. Still so f*cking gorgeous…” I exhaled as I stared at her photos. She graduated with Latin Honors. F*ck, I’m beyond proud of you. “Just look how far you’ve reached, Prinsesa. Kung hindi lang kasalanang mortal na sumamba sa iba bukod sa Diyos, hinding-hindi ako magdadalawang-isip na sambahin ka.”

A few months after passing the boards, I decided to fly back to the Philippines. I didn’t come back solely for Cindy, the main reason was I wanted to bring La cuisine d'Aven here. Fine, I wanted to see her or even just a glimpse of the successful Architect Cinderella Margaux Velasquez but I didn’t plan to have our paths cross again.

I didn’t know I’ll be clashing with her again, that she was the architect Kheena's been blabbering about and that she's still holding grudges against me. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to hold myself back the moment she cried that night. That "I'm not sorry” was my line. She remembered… The corners of my lips immediately stretched when those words slipped from her lips. 

Everything was just extremely far from what I anticipated. It almost feels like a dream, or maybe it was really a dream. As much as I don't want to lose her, I can't tell her about Nish yet. She doubted my love, she thought I was cheating on her—like how Papa cheated on Mama. She can't even trust me… I was hurt and mad. I love her but her words cut so f*cking deep, that even my old wounds were scraped by how sharp they are. Godd*mnit, just how many times do I have to bleed for her?

No matter how much I tried to express what I feel for her or how many times I let her go, it will never be enough. We still ended. I don’t know why I can’t keep her when I'm more than willing to give her everything I have.

"Sigurado ka bang wala kang nakalimutan? Baka saka ka pa lang uungot kapag nasa himpapawid ka na. Think about it so, I can get it for…" Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at napahinto sa paghila ng maleta ni Nish nang mapansin ang mabagal niyang mga hakbang, tutok ito sa kaniyang telepono at mukhang natataranta. "Hey, Sweetheart,” tawag ko pa. “I'm talking to you."

Aligaga itong bumaling sa akin habang patuloy pa rin sa pagtipa sa kaniyang phone. Sino bang tine-text niya? Sinubukan kong silipin kung sino bang kausap niya pero agad niya na itong binulsa at dismayadong nagpatuloy na ulit sa paglalakad.

"Hmm? You're seeing someone, aren't you?" I asked. "Alam ba 'yan nina Cho? Why aren't you telling me anything? Nakakatampo ka na, ha."

She giggled and gave me a side hug. "Ang drama naman ng Atty. Villantura na 'yan. I was texting a friend! And no, I'm not seeing anyone. Kung meron man, ikaw naman ang una 'kong kukuwentuhan e."

"Psh, liar. We both know that Cho will be the first one to know. He's your favorite among us three," I playfully scoffed. "I still love you, 'tho. Just don't be fazed by some a**holes, okay?"

"Kuya, you should go. Baka marami ka pang aasikasuhin," lihis niya ng usapan na para bang pinagmamadali niya akong umalis. Inagaw niya sa akin ang maleta niya, humalik sa pisngi ko at bahagya na akong tinulak. "Kaya ko na 'to. Bye, ingat ka. Love you!”

Nalilito man sa mga kilos niya, tumango na lang ako at sandaling pinanood siyang maglakad papalayo, hila-hila ang kaniyang maleta. What the f*ck is going on? She seems panicking. Why do I feel like she's up to something? That brat… What did she do this time? Parehong-pareho sila ni Cho, mga sakit sa ulo.

I actually was planning to talk to Cindy today, and I think I already gave her enough time to cool down. I'm a hypocrite for telling her that we're not going to see each other ever again. P*tangina, anong let go-let go? Walang gano'n. Hindi puwede. Hindi ko kaya.

My heart dropped when I saw her sitting in a squat position outside the airport, shoulders shaking with her palms covering her face. She was crying loudly and people were already looking at her but she didn't seem to mind. I was astonished and almost stopped stepping out of the exit. What is she doing here?

"Why are you crying?" I asked, trying to sound like I was just asking out of curiosity when I was actually dying to hug her and calm her down—like I didn't rush to her and nearly tripped.

Sandaling natigil ang hagulgol niya at agad na nag-angat ng tingin. Sumalubong agad sa akin ang mga mata niyang tila nagsusumamo at nangungulila, tumitig muna siya sa akin bago bumuwelo ng iyak. This time, hindi niya na tinakpan ang mukha niya. She just bawled in front of me like a kid.

"Akala ko ba aalis ka na?! Bakit ka pa nandito?!" bulyaw niya, halos hindi niya na maimulat ang mga mata sa kakaiyak.

"Aalis ako?" nagtatakang ulit ko.

Who told her that I'm leaving? Hindi pa tapos ang mga transaction ko dito sa Pinas kaya kahit pa gustuhin kong umalis ay hindi puwede. Masama niya akong tiningnan at pinunasan ang kaniyang mga luhang hindi pa rin tumitigil sa pagpatak. Why the f*ck is she crying?!

"Cindy—"

I gaped when her stare softened real quick. "Huwag ka munang umalis, please… Hindi pa nga ako nakakahingi ng tawad, e. Alis ka ng alis, tatakbuhan mo na naman ako!" maktol niya.

"Hindi pa kita nakikilala ng maayos, wala pa akong masyadong alam tungkol sa 'yo. Paano kita ikukuwento sa anak natin kung gano'n, ha? Kung sakali man na umalis ka at hindi na bumalik ng Pilipinas, anong sasabihin ko? Pati ba naman 'yun ipagkakait ko pa sa kaniya? 'Yan ka na naman, e! Hindi mo na naman ako hahayang makahingi ng tawad… Ang pangit ng trip mo!"

Bahagya akong napa-atras habang nanlalaki ang mga mata. Teka lang, ano raw? Anak? Namin? Nagh-hallucinate lang ba ako o talagang sinabi niya 'yun? Bigla ‘atang limpad ang katinuan ko nang marinig ang salitang ‘anak’ mula sa kaniya. We have never discussed about kids, not even once. Is she… pregnant? It’s not like getting her pregnant was one of my intentions but just imagining her with her baby bump, makes my heart leap.

Nagsimula na namang lumakas ang iyak niya. "I love you, okay?! I love you so, please take me back!"

"I'm sorry that I doubted you, I'm sorry for not knowing about Nish and just jumped into petty conclusions, ran my mouth like a b*tch. Sorry sa lahat ng mga nagawa kong nakasakit sa 'yo… Sorry kasi hindi kita sinubukang intindihin, hindi kita pinakinggan at mas inunang maging maging makasarili. Sorry kasi—"

And just like that, I can no longer understand what she was saying. She's trying to speak properly but she cannot contain her sobs and her words become gibberish. Oh God, let me keep this crybaby forever.

"You're sorry because you love me?"

Mabilis siyang umiling at sandaling suminghot. "I'm sorry because I've hurt you!" Malakas niyang hinampas ang binti ko. "B-Bingi ka ba, ha? Mahal nga kita, Alessandro!”

I chuckled. “I heard you, love…” I crouched down a little to hold her arms and help her stand, then I cupped her face. I pressed a long peck on her forehead before I looked into her eyes as both of my thumbs grazed her cheeks. “Shh, hush now… I’m not leaving.”

I felt her arms tightly wrapped around my waist. “B-But Nish said—”

Inilapat ko ang hintuturo ko sa kaniyang labi upang patahimikin siya. Mugtong-mugto na ang kaniyang mata at namamaos na rin pero patuloy pa rin siya sa pag-hagulgol. But, did she just say ‘Nish’? D*mn. Kaya naman pala gustong-gusto niyang ako ang maghatid sa kaniya ngayon dito. I knew she was up to something! Kuhang-kuha talaga ang ugali ni Nicholas, mahilig magpa-iyak. Napailing na lang ako sa kalokohan ng kapatid ko.

I sighed and hugged her back. "What makes you think na titigilan talaga kita? My mind was a mess the last time we talked. I'm sorry for making you think that I’m really going to give you up…"

Umiling lang siya at ibinaon ang luhaang mukha sa dibdib ko. I stroke her hair as I hug her tighter. "Let's get married when you're ready. Like you've said, you wanted to know me. We'll do that, hmm? Let's get to know each other slowly, love."

* * *

"And that's how Mama confessed her love to Tatay. Sweet 'no? And then years after that, you guys followed Ate Ayi."

"You know I can hear you guys from here, right? Stop brainwashing the kids, Anastacio," she yelled from the kitchen.

"Mama, gusto po ni Aki ng tipay please?" malambing na pakiusap ni Aki, na sinegundahan naman ng kambal niyang si Ali. "Tipay rin po si Ali, Mama!"

Natawa na lang ako at niyakap ang pitong-taong gulang naming panganay na si Ayi, na naging dahilan nang paghagikgik nito. Bumungisngis rin ang kambal. They’re obviously not that hungry but still ask for bread just to distract their mother. My little saviors, haha!

“Boys, it’s called tinapay. Okay? Mama will give you tinapay in a while. How about my Ate Ayi, anong gusto?”

"Sliced Apples please!" Ayi cheered.

Napanguso ako. “What about me, love? Hindi mo ‘ko tatanungin kung anong gusto ko?”

“Why should I? Get your own food, Anastacio!”

~ END ~