Chapter 2

I walked into my first college chemistry class feeling nervous and excited all at once. As I took my seat, I looked around at my nameless classmates and tried to make eye contact with someone, anyone. I wanted to make friends, to find someone to share this experience with.

The professor walked in, and I quickly turned my attention to the front of the room. As she began her lecture, I tried to follow along, scribbling notes in my notebook and hoping that I was getting everything right.

As the class wore on, I found myself feeling more and more comfortable with the material. I even found myself raising my hand a few times to ask questions, something I never would have done in high school.

During a brief break, I struck up a conversation with the tall brown haired boy sitting next to me. He was friendly and easy to talk to, and before I knew it, we were discussing our majors, our favorite TV shows, and everything in between.

As the class ended and we all gathered our things to leave, I felt a sense of hopefulness wash over me. Maybe this college thing wasn't going to be so scary after all. Maybe I could make friends, learn new things, and find my place in the world.

I stepped out of the classroom and into the bright sunshine, feeling a sense of purpose and excitement that I hadn't felt in a long time. I had no idea what the future held, but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was on the right path.

I ran home and grabbed a snack before I nervously fiddled with my fork, pushing my food around my plate, I always felt uncomfortable in spaces with lots of people, and the dining hall was certainly no exception.

As I sat there, feeling awkward and out of place, two guys I semi-recognized from chemistry class sauntered up to the table. The tall one had sat next to me in class on the first day, his name was Darren but we hadn’t spoken since. I get a look at his musculature frame and round rimmed glasses and decide that I find him very handsome, and I can feel myself blush a little at the realization. The other was smaller, with shaggy blond hair, green eyes and a mischievous grin.

"Hey, mind if we join you guys?" Darren asked, flashing a charming smile.

I looked up, startled, and quickly averted my gaze when I realized he was looking straight at me.

"Uh, sure," one of my classmates said, gesturing for them to take a seat.

The two guys introduced themselves as Darren and Shilo, and I couldn't help but feel a flutter in my chest when Darren's eyes met mine again. There was something about him that drew me in, something that made my heart skip a beat.

As we sat there, chatting and getting to know each other, I found myself laughing and joking with them in a way that I never had before. Darren was funny and charming, and his easy smile made me feel at ease.

As we wrapped up our study session and prepared to head our separate ways, I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. I didn't know what it was about Darren that made me feel this way, but I knew that I wanted to see him again. And as we said our goodbyes, I couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same way.

I walked back to my dorm room feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand, I was excited about the prospect of getting to know Darren better. On the other hand, I was still feeling a bit self-conscious and unsure of myself. As I approached the door, I could hear muffled voices coming from inside.

As I stepped inside, I was greeted by the sight of my roommate Rita giving her girlfriend a topless massage on our shared futon. I froze in place, unsure of what to do or say.

"Hey, Cassie," Rita said, not even bothering to look up from her girlfriend's back. "How was lunch?"

"It was fine," I stammered, still feeling embarrassed by the situation.

Rita's girlfriend looked up at me and smiled, her bare breast pressed against the futon my mom helped me pick out. I sighed as I had forgotten what Sarah was like, and how she made Rita act. When Rita was with Sarah, it was like our friendship meant nothing.

As I made my way over to my side of the dorm, I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy at the sight of Rita and Sarah together. They seemed so comfortable and at ease with each other, while I was still struggling to find my place in the world.

As I settled in at my desk, trying to focus on my homework, I couldn't help but feel like an outsider in my own room. But as I looked over at Rita and Sarah, I realized that maybe it was okay to be different. Maybe it was okay to take my time and figure things out at my own pace. But damn would a massage be nice.

I lay down on my bed and notice a text message.

Darren: Hey Cassie, did you start the chemistry homework yet?

I feel a smile and immediately groan and blush as I realize I have a crush on this boy already.

Cassie: No, not yet. Why do you ask?

Darren: I'm stuck on question 7. Do you know how to do it?

I look at the untouched chemistry book next to my bed and sigh.

Cassie: Sorry, I have no idea.

Darren: That's okay. Want to come over to my dorm room and work on it together? We can make it fun and order some food!

Cassie: Hmm, I don't know. I don't usually go to people's dorm rooms.

Darren: I totally understand. But we're just classmates trying to get some work done. Plus, we can get to know each other better!

Cassie: Okay, I guess it wouldn't hurt. Sure, let's do it!

Darren: Awesome, see you in a bit!

He drops me a pin and I grab my coat, humming to myself. I walk out of my room and see that Sarah is alone in our common space and back to fully clothed again. I feel a little bad that I interrupted their time together even though it’s my room too. “I’m headed to a classmate's room to do homework!” I tell her. She nods and doesn’t look up from her phone. “I’ll be gone for a few hours” I say poignantly. She looks up at me, catching onto what that means for her and Rita. She smiles and nods again “See you in a few hours!” she waves as I leave.

I close the door behind me, thankful I won’t have to hear them. I start towards Darren and as the knowledge of where I’m going sits in my brain for a second I feel the urge to skip there. I can’t wait to spend time with him already. I close my eyes and try to think rational thoughts.

“Okay it would definitely be dumb to just start dating the first guy to be interested in you, the second week at school.” I think to myself, but my head is full of a crooked smile and strong forearms and old spice Figi.